Ok…so I’m not good at sharing exactly where I’m at. Prefer to give rather than receive. I have had some sort of ‘lurgy’ for a week now and been on antibiotics for three days. I work full time in a mentally demanding role. Today I once again dragged myself into the office, attended an intensive morning of meetings feeling very unwell then drove back to my office and awaited yet another meeting. While I sat at my desk I thought what are you doing here you’re too sick to be at work. I had a meeting coming up that I couldn’t cancel as someone was on their way to the meeting by car. In retrospect I should have phoned them and said I’m sick I’m going home but I didn’t. When the meeting concluded I came home to bed. My pain level at rest is through the roof, something that happens when I get unwell, not sure it’s a flare of the Fibro or the arthritis. I cannot walk without crutches tonight and I have had to take morphine for the pain level. Why do I do this to myself? I don’t have a problem with others being sick and often tell them to go home when they are but I don’t afford myself the same slack. I push myself way too hard most days and when I get home generally I end up zapping a frozen meal and crawling into bed with it. I think I fear stopping I fear saying I have a disability (and I do!) I fear one day not being able to work because I fear depression more than the pain of Fibro. I have suffered depression over my lifetime and I have severe depression when it visits and have made a number of attempts on my life during those times. More than once I have ended up on life support as a result of an attempt on my life. The pain I’m suffering with Fibro and arthritis is almost preferable to depression for me. I work in an advisory role in a health service, it involves many meetings as I work at a senior level, I am also involved in policy. Sometimes I wonder how I can do this when I can’t take care of myself when I’m sick. It’s almost like it’s ok for others to be sick but I must keep going, mustn’t stop and I know even on the days when I am in extreme pain I keep pushing myself. It is an easy answer to say stop, take care of yourself but something that goes into the head through one ear and directly out the other. I think I am also in denial that what I have is a serious illness. If you have managed to read this far, how do you accept that you have a serious health issue? How do you take good care of yourself? Is anyone else on this site like me? Was there any defining moment you can share from your own experience that might be useful in helping me with this unrelenting need to continue to push myself to the limits. Even laying in bed right now I’m thinking I will get up in the morning and go into work, I actually don’t have to I have only one meeting tomorrow at 4pm and it is one that could be rescheduled but my mind is saying just go to work! I’m really sorry for the rant, I just needed for once to tell it how it is.
I had a very similar problem with work. I am a registered nurse and would work when I was in pain and so tired I felt I could just pass out at any moment. There were many times I felt I was sicker than the patients I provided care for. I did that and took care of 3 teenagers and a husband at home. I went and went until I could go no more. My body was getting more and more viruses, sinus infections, migraines, pain and
depression.
I like u have suffered with depression most of my adult life so I was used to working with that. But the pain and severe fatigue just kept beating me down further and further until one day I just could not go any more
If my body would have let me I am sure I would still be pushing it but it was no longer my choice. I pretty much ran my body into the ground for too long. Now I am retired from nursing and am receiving SSDI. I am pretty much homebound, I no longer drive and I only leave home for my monthly doctor appointment.
I know its hard and trust me I am still struggling with this issue because my job was a major part of who I was even though I didnt realize that until I stopped working.
I wish I had advice for you but I guess all I can say is do what is best for u. Please don’t do what I did and completely burn yourself out or have another major depressive episode. It has been 1 year since I stopped working and my body is still so exhausted I often wonder if it would be a little better if I had stopped working sooner. Well anyway just wanted to let u know that u r not alone.
Best wishes and I hope everything works out for the best ! Darlene
Hi there, I am new here but from what I have been reading, you are a lot like many people on this site including myself. We just all seem to suffer from do it all syndrome. Like you, I never take a day off and feel guilty when I need a nap or am in just too much pain to move.
It concerns me that you have attempted to take your own life so many times. I have felt that way many times when I was younger. Are you past those feelings? Do you have someone to call if you feel that way?
You have to give yourself permission to be ill. It is easier said than done. If you are on your own then it is really hard as you have no help.
Give yourself a day off, take the time for you so you can feel better tomorrow. If you end up in the hospital from overdoing it, then your job will really miss everything you do and that would be a hardship for them. They can survive a day.
Please know, I am a do as I say, not as I do person. From an outside perspective it is clear what I think you should do. Can I do it..................no. BUT I am trying to let myself admit I am sick so I can get better.
Vent anytime, yesterday was my day.
Feel better, :)
I am totally like you! For example, I got up this morning, knowing I should stay home, but yet I am almost out the door to leave for work. I am a stylist. My thought is if I can just get through my one appointment I have today, I can go home after. I missed work one day last week, and since I am self employed and only work part time, I am telling myself that I have to make up the lost money.
Geez! yes, why do we do this? I am feeling better now than when I woke up, due to a mixture of some meds. I am thinking, what if they wear off? What if I feel so bad later I can't drive home? I have convinced myself that I will comtinue to feel better and if I stay home, I will feel ok, and beat myself up for rescheduling a client.
I think if tjis has been a long time client, I would reschedule, but this is the second time I am doing her hair.
As I am a single parent, I am the only source of income in our house. therefore, I must push sometimes.
I guess it all depends on our situations.
I sure can relate with everyone... try PsA and Fibro.. a double whammy... and I'm still working.. for how long I do not know... it took me several years.. to accept the fact ... that I had PsA along with the Fibro.. I probably let it go so far as to damage a lot of my joints... when I first started researching what it was.. I was like.. that isn't me and just brushed it off.. then.. it kept getting worse .... probably a 10 year spread before I finally accepted it and did something about it... You know,, I had one dr.. tell me.. "It is what it is - accept it and go on... do not be afraid to be afraid.... live your life one day at a time.... of course you have to look a little bit in the future.. but as for day to day things... don't beat yourself up .. if you can't go to work once in awhile or clean house or work in the yard.. Your body will let you know what is possible. It keeps me from dropping into a depression... I have had many crying jags.. my husband is finally coming around.. understanding a little bit as to how I feel. He is calling today to have a cleaning service come in.... because I just cant do it anymore!! That itself will lift a little guilt from my shoulders..... I usually am not an emotional person.. I usually hold things in.. but since I have gotten Fibro and PsA... I let it out.. because stress is one of the biggest contributors to the pain we feel..
Enough for now.... let me know .... if you need to chat.. I'm available...
Hugggs
Karen
I think you spoken the words of every fibro patient so you’re not alone. I have watched my friend develop fibro over the last year or so too and have to coach her a bit as I’ve had it for eight years now. My first word of advice would be to give up any idea of full time work. It’s not depressing as having to give up all together trust me. Most of us actually know/knew this all along but still drive ourselves into the ground. Depression is unfortunately part of the fibro too so the harder we force ourselves the worse the depression gets with the pain and the awful insomnia to make things worse too.
Do everything you are doing just a little less, and less intense. Find new hobbies. Meet new friends. This is a good place so we’re making the right choices already.
Acceptance of the new you is always difficult but we all do eventually. We can make it easier or harder for ourselves. True although even I don’t like to admit it lol. I love my new life now I’ve made all the best changes in all aspects of my life. It’s not easy in the slightest but its the very best I can make it. We’ve got to please ourselves at the end of the day because we know what’s best for us, and we’ve got to live our lives. Never feel guilty for taking it easier to lessen your suffering.
Good luck with the choices that you face on a daily and weekly basis. Listen to your body! And your mind too. Take good care of yourself…
Jo
I am also a registered nurse and go into work when I shouldn't. I have recently had to half the hours I work as I was unable to continue. A friend once told me the world will not come to a halt if you are not there, no-one is going to let you have any slack. I was also told you are an adult and know when you should not be in work and to take responsibility for my own health, you are no good to anyone if you are unwell, so take the time you need to help your health. I know I had a hard time accepting this . It is very difficult and I understand how you feel, but now if I am not well I am not doing my job properly and may also be endangering others so now if unwell I stay at home.
I don't mean this to be judgemental as I think we are all the same, Just I care about you pushing yourself so hard.
Cuddles
Ann.
Despite what we think, one monkey dont stop no show! It got to where I cried all the way to work everyday. I continued knowing that I couldnt do it. It is so freeing once you do accept and finally take the time to take care of you. You work to exhaustion and dont have time to eat and rest properly. Our work really dont define us, God does, and this is the hand we were dealt. Take it easy on yourself!
Hi Lindy-loo, like others have mentioned we drive ourself into the ground… Something we all have in common, my father use to tell me all the time … Slow down !!! I worked full time ( I am also a nurse ) raised 2 children on my own, took care of everyone else… Except me
It’s been 9 months now I have not worked, the year prior, leading up to my shear exhaustion I pushed my self everyday… Walking into work at 7 am wondering how in the world I would get through the day, only to completely crash in bed when I got home, crying because I knew when I got up the next day it would be such a huge struggle. I cut my hrs to 30/week then to 25, still struggling to get through each day… Finally a short term disability ( diverticulitis ) took so much out of me I couldn’t return to work. It killed me to give up the job I loved, and sitting here today I can say I wish I had not pushed myself to the point of exhaustion. I thought taking a short leave I would feel better… Nope, that’s not how fibro works, I think once we are tapped out… Who knows the damage may already be done. The acceptance of this has been a long road for me… But I’m working on that everyday !
Please takes some time for you… Make yourself do it, take care of you first… Before you get to the point of no return… Boy do I wish I had listened to my father when he would tell me to slow down ! Had I gone part time when I first started to struggle, maybe I would still have my career, I wonder ?
Hugs & blessings
dee
Hi, I just want to tell you the same that others also say, you are not alone. I understand this complex reality of patience for others but not ourselves, depression, pain, the entire gamut. I too know what it is like to fear the ramifications of severe depression setting back in on me and feeling that I may once again be a real risk to myself as I too have made attempts on my life that required extreme measures to be taken to keep me here. I wish I knew how to answer accepting that we have a serious health issue and our limitations that come with it...I too am still in this odd sense of denial. It is like I feel the pain, know I am suffering daily, but still expect that I should push myself to prove that I can still do it all and am afraid that if I accept that I can't do it all, then I will be essentially giving up on myself...and from there the depression waits to set in. I want you to know that you are not alone, and you have helped me to realize that it is good to have a place that we can just "rant" now and then, if that is what helps us get through this and make it to another day. We are allowed and with what we deal with, entitled.
You've gotten really good feedback already. This is such a nice place to be with such a loving group of people.
Lindy, we are all over-doers. I did it too. I worked doing medical referrals at our local county clinic. One Christmas right before my break we had 3 lovely women patients whose diagnostic mammograms came back bad. One real bad. It was my job to see that they got into specialists, right away. No specialists to be found. I tried everyone and everything. The ones I found wouldn't take patients with little or no insurance. Heartwrenchingly, I had to leave those referrals on my desk and go home for a happy Christmas with my family. I stressed over those women the whole time. Meanwhile I was caring for my elderly parents and 4 kids who were all just entering the adult world.
I suffer from depression too. I've never tried to take my life. You are a goer and a doer. I would suggest that you have some things to do when you do decide to leave your job. It's easy to stay home and sink into the depression and guilt of not being in the work world. The "woe is me" syndrome. I used to take classes and try to be a little busier. I do take a swim class now but other than that it seems that the less I do, the less I do. It gets harder and harder to get out of the house. If it weren't for feeding my husband, a handful of friends, and loving on my pets I would be pretty sedentary. I'm just saying to keep moving. Think of things to keep you busy when you do leave the busyness of work so your depression doesn't hit you too hard. There is a grieving process from leaving work. And a double wammie to accept the fibro and arthritis on a new level. Reprogramming that brain is not easy. Who knows, maybe it won't be a problem for you. I hope not!
Do the right thing for you, Lindy. Hang in there. We are all right there with you.
Hi Lindy-loo
There seems to be a theme here, because I too was a staff nurse (like many other members who have responded to your words)
I feel so strongly that you don’t value yourself as much as you value others, and I just wanted to say 'you need to care about you!!!'
Difficult - yes but your body is screaming at you to slow down and rest.
I understand your concerns regarding depression (I’ve been there) but you now know the warning signs making you more prepared, and hopefully you would seek medical help immediately.
You can probably tell that everyone on here is very much on your side, so please be kinder to yourself.
Sending big gentle hugs
Bev
I applaud you Lindy Loo for sharing from your heart. No indeed you are not the only one who lives and pushes and pushes too many days to go to work when you ought to stay at home. I am a retired teacher. When I was actively teaching full time I did the same thing. I was attacked with laryngitis my first year of teaching and several times after that. I went to school and would whisper the whole day!!!! I taught elementary age children. When I told my doctor that he scolded me and said that I could do permanent damage to my vocal cords! Stay home when you're sick!
What you shared is more common than you might think. The only thing in your sharing that I have not done is to try to take my own life. Though I suffered with pain and fatigue for years I was not diagnosed until I was 44. I continued to push myself and ignore what my body was telling me until I was 55 and then I could do no more. I was fortunate that at age 55 I could take early retirement and start receiving my teachers pension. I continued to work from home for another 12 years tutoring and teaching piano and voice. Then my body said No More! Now it's a full time job taking care of myself.
You are burnt out it happened to me I was RN I had a very responsible job, and sometimes there is just nobody to replace you. I ended up doing all afternoon shifts because at least if I had a bad night, I could sleep in the mornings but I had to keep uping ny pain meds just to stay at work. My body started shutting down I was totally mentaly and physically exhausted totally burn,t out my heart started to beat so rapidly my lips turned blue because it can not squeeze the blood effectively with your heart quivering I was taken to hosp many times. They give you a drug which stops your heart completely and hopefully it jumps back to a normal rythym, then I got sceptacemia, blood poisioning thougt they were just fibro symtoms and ignored them, I left it for 4 days before I ended up in ICU fighting for my life. Working was killing me and it obvios to me you are in the same boat burnout you have to change your life unless you will end up like me, don't go there it's a nightmare all they will say at your eulogy is she was a good worker which in the scheme of things means nothing if your dead. I'm sorry if this is not what you wanted to here but its the truth. DON'T LET FIBRO STEAL YOUR LIFE take a break before your body starts without you all the best if you want someone to talk to I;m just a mouse away. I see a pscychiarst on a monthly basis it is a good place to open up you can't be that honest with friends and family because you would probably hurt there feeling it does me the world of good, I'm sure it would help you with clearly some of your issues but you have to get somebody you like, it's so funny when I go there the receptionist turns the music up, my GP found it very amusing' I said think yourself lucky I could have been giving you heaps instead LOL anyway sweetie if you want to talk mouse me
Yeah.. How do you know when enough is enough.. My husband keeps pushing me.. because if I quit work - we will lose my medical insurance. And the cost of the prescriptions I need are astronomical....and besides the fatigue and pain I fight each and every day.. I have a bone spur in my big toe... that needs surgery and within 3 years.. I'm sure I will need a knee replacement on my left knee... i have had a partial and a revision done on my right knee in 2008/2009..... ugh... lol
I rant now and then.. it truly helps.... especially to those of us that understand what each of us is going thru..
Hi SNEAKERS! OOOH, so sorry about the bone spurs, I feel for you,girl, I have several, they are excruciating!
Sorry about the knees too! It really is great to talk to those who understand! I would like to have a SI joint replacement, but they haven't come up with that one yet!
It's good hearing from you, I sincerely hope that you can get some substantial relief!
Big hugs,
SK
Lindy Loo, how are you? Thinking of you and wishing you a really good day!
Hi Lindy Lou. I am just reading this for the very first time even though I realize you posted back in April. I too have a very long story to tell just like everyone else who has replied and it sounds just like everyone else as well. The only thing I can suggest to you is to know that when you’re no longer doing your job any justice or yourself by going to work that’s when you need to stop. That’s when I stopped. I was a lucky person in that I have a stable marriage and someone who could financially support the family until my medical retirement came through. They did finally medically retire me but I had to prove I couldn’t think and I did that by going through Cognitive testing. I have also applied for SSDI and have been turned down by the judge just a couple of weeks ago. I was disappointed because I felt as though I was being called a liar one more time in reference to my illnesses. But as my husband explains it’s okay because they would’ve just wiped out that money from the government retirement that I have so it kind of evens itself out.
Something to consider and I saw it on someone else’s post, but that is that it’s very possible you’ll feel like you’ve lost a good part of your identity when you give of your work. That was something I didn’t expect and hit me right between the eyes really hard and caused me more major depression along with everything else. I felt like a quitter even though I knew I couldn’t get up and go to work every day anymore. I hate that I can’t even keep up with my home and doing for my three children and husband anymore either. I have three boys who are into football and are very active.
I’m sorry I really didn’t mean to go on as long as I have. Know that you are not alone. Gentle hugs and prayers coming your way. Please keep this up to date and I hope everything works out for you.
I completely agree with your emphasis on your identity. I am 6 years into "forced retirement" and I still can't get to a place where I'm comfortable with my purpose. I have a great husband. My kids are all adults, My 6 grandkids live over 2 hours drive in opposite directions, but need us sometimes. It's hard to commit to anything else. It really is something to consider.
I. Terms of my house I had recommended to me and use the flylady.com website. She breaks cleaning down to 15 minutes at a time and I have found it easy to keep things up using her encouragement and regimes. I further break the 15 minutes down to 5 minute bite sizes throughout the day. Ir works for me. Limdy