Why don't people understand?

I have always loved to cook for my family and anyone really, but it has become difficult for me because Im always weak, can't stand or sit that long and always in pain. I want to continue cooking but need things to make it easier for me to do so, my mom lectures me on how my husband should be helping out with that stuff. She gets me so mad. I do not want someone to do these things for me...I WANT TO DO THEM. I feel as she is expecting me to give up and sit and watch life happen but thats not going to happen. Am I wrong for being upset? How do I get her to understand? :-(

It's the same with my mum and my boyfriend. He helps an awful lot yet she will still say ' mind her now, make sure she doesn't do .....' or asking how I am and how I've been sleeping etc etc behind my back.

Our mum's just want to wrap us up in cotton wool and try to do anything and everything they can to try and help even if they aren't . I think they feel helpless and that they are letting us down by not being able to make it better or take all the pain away.

It's rotton to feel like you're 'not alowed' to do things . Hoovering(vaccuming) oh my god I could be in bed for days after doing it BUT I still feel like 'I need to do this , normal people do this' and thats the worst part , you're trying so hard to try and 'be normal' and trying to feel needed and not useless that when someone like your mum,husband,partner,friend etc steps in because they see you in pain or know how bad you will be after , but we dont see that we get irritated because 1. your in pain 2. your trying so hard and 3. you just want to be 'normal' like you used to be. I found Im short tempered and get frustrated easily since having this I feel like im treated like a child or a fragile china doll and and that it totaly ok to be upset about . You've grown up you're used to being independant and able then all of a sudden it taken from you . I think you're not really mad at your mum but your mad at the fact that your mum feels,notices that she needs to step in and interfere. We will forever be their little babies . I think just a chat letting her know that you know your limits , what you're able for and not, and that you appreciate her concerne and her trying to help/mind you but that you need to do things for you own sanity even if it hurts and that when you know you've reached you're limit or need a break that you'll stop and if you need/want anyones help you'll ask. She will still fuss but just keep reassurring her that you know when to stop and that you love her and thank her for trying to help even if she's made you feel like screaming and made everything 10 times worse haha I seem to find it sooths them calms them a bit and gives you a bit of space for a bit then vent to you husband about how much she bugged you haha I find in situations like this little white lies to 'shut people up' are completley necisary to function without having a nervous break down lol .

I hope I've helped a little, sorry for writting so much Im kind of venting on my own simular incounters lol

I so appreciate this reply....you have made me realize so much. Thank you.....

my husband knows not to interfere unless I ask him too because it means a lot to me to be able to do it myself.

I so needed this wake up call...thank you. I wish you the best. :-)

Yeah the men tend to learn qiuckly not to mess with you when you're sore haha it's a battle that can not be won . I find im near phycotic at times when I feel the need to 'be normal' and do stuff I shouldn't . The only way I can describe how it feels is a mother lion minding her cubs, you know the saying 'Dont mess with my cubs/pups' thats how you can sometimes feel about your independance its wierd . Glad you found some comfort in my long winded splurdge . When I saw your post I knew exactly what you meant and it took me time also before taking a step back and seeing everyone and understanding their 'interferance' was love and they are some times just as scared as us about our well being and pain we have x You're great you have a condition that would put a saint to the test and its ok to be upset , feel crap or annoyed, you're coping, witch is all we can do in our situations x Here anytime for a chat , :) K x

I took your advice and had a talk with my mom. She apologized for making me feel the way I do but she still thinks I should let my husband do it. SMH @ my mom.

You have been a huge help. I am glad I have someone to talk to. It helps a lot. I am still getting used to being limited in the things I can do but I try not to let it stop me. I have 5 kids I have to take care of...well I should say they have been trying to take care of me lately and it hurts me and it warms my heart at the same time cause I should be the one taking care of them. But it is nice to know that they love me enough to want to take care of me. <3

Thank you again

You are some woman! 5 children thats hard work for anyone never mind somone with fibro! I'd do anything for my mum she suffers with alot of pain due to an 'operation gone wrong ' and was left with nerve damage .

We are both as bad as eachother but we both support eachother the best we can .

She is my only support really before i joined this .

hate her knowing how much pain im in cause it upsets her and she's the same she doesnt like me knowing cause it upsets me lol one big circle lol x

As a kid ( well 21 but Im an only child so her baby) with a parent in pain I can totaly reassure you that your kids would and will do anything and everything (age depending lol) to help and not think twice about it . They will actually be glad and feel good that they can do something for you . Dont feel bad about it look at it as a reflection on what a fantastic job YOU have done raising such loving and caring kids!

Thank you so much for those kind words... you brought tears to my eyes.....my kids are 12, 10, 8, 4, and 3 years old. The oldest is my angel baby...he would do anything in the world for me, he is my spitting image with his heart...

It is beautiful that you and your mom can support each other like that. I am glad that you have someone to help you through these tough times. I thank you so much for all of your advice and guidence. It means a lot to me!

I found something on the net that I've shared with people who just don't 'get it' re the Fibromyalgia. It won't stop your Mom from wanting to 'help you too much' but you might want to share the video with other people in your life who cannot quite grasp how you are feeling. On google--type in 'youtube Fibromyalgia what we live every day' There is an excellent video there that certainly has opened the eyes of people in MY life.

I do hope things will work out for you.

Geranium

I like this question .... Only because it's usually the other way around, that our loved ones DON'T understand and expect so much from us. It's nice to see that your Mom is worried about you, even though this is causing you stress. I guess we get both ends of the spectrum when dealing with people !

Renie

Isn't it natural for us to want to do as much as we possibly can? Some days we are able to do more than others. There are books about how to get others to understand at the bookstore at www.restministries.net . There are a lot of articles on the subject there too, and a search box to type "understand" or other key words. We have to adjust as our limitations change, like getting a tall stool to sit on while doing things in the kitchen, and I need to use a rollator walker, but still, we want to live life as fully as possible when we have the ability to do so. Yours is an unusual question. Most people ask "How do I make people understand how sick I am?" Yours was "how do I make them understand that I don't want to give up?" Good for you! Both questions are valid though. You just have to be tactful and sit and look her in the eye and tell her that you are only natural in wanting to do as much as you possibly can, and that you don't want to be "served" until it's absolutely necessary, and that what your husband does for you or doesn't, is between you and him. It's not her problem.

Best wishes, Sheila

Coffeejnukieerin,

I understand the idea of ' want to be functioning at full capacity' but in reality we are not. At some point we need to accept that and move forward. Children love to be part of the team and parents that model team work are great. Is it possible the cooking experience could be shared? Can one child or your husband do joint cooking with you one night and another child and your husband do cooking another night? Can you delegate? Do you have to be the line cook and Chef at the same time or can your restaurant run with some employees? They make money, its efficient and customers are happy. The Chef always gets the credit.

I have been helping my 6 year old to get dressed in the morning before school and I gather his stuff and hand them to him day in and out. One day he wanted to go somewhere quick. He ran upstairs gathered all my clothes including bra and panties, shoe and coat and said, "Okay, mommy get dressed!"

Children learn how to do things for a reason - to help their family and society. Who knows one day that helper might say, "I want to be a Chef!"

You have a good heart when you say you want to cook for your family,doing things for them. Your mum cares for you,wants you to take time out for yourself. [When saying your husband should be helping out with that stuff].Let your mum know that your upset and that it makes you feel hurt when she says these things. When you say,difficult for me because i"m always weak,i understand because i feel week like this too. Try too do what ever works for you.[do little tasks first and feel good about what you have done. Hope this helps. Never loose patience we need it..

I thank you all for your responses. I will take all of your advice and go forward. My children do help me cook and they enjoy it, I even do sometimes...Me and my daughter bake and me and my sons cook dinner....It can get overwhelming and it is understandable.

Thank you all for your kind words, they brought tears to my eyes. The way the people in this care about one another is amazing and heart warming. Thank you all.

Hi coffeejunkyerin,

One day they will be able to do all the meals without your help and you should welcome that on the bad days. If you are introducing new dishes to them then you will always be the ring leader. What if you focused on doing one or two favorite dishes and let the kids do the clean up? You deserve a break

I just want to add that I have done a lot of work with individuals with special needs... and the trend now is to focus not on the "disability" but instead to focus on the "ability" .

I love this new frame work and feel it is so true for anyone with a chronic illness/disease. I would encourage your to reevaluate your abilities and go from there. I bet you can still do a lot, maybe just in a different way.

When I find friends and family are pushing me to do less or "take it easy", I like to remind them that I may have fibromyalgia, but it does not have me. Fibromyalgia does not get to decide what I will or will not do - I decide. If I decided to cut back on my activities or modify how I do something, it is because I chose to do so, not because fibromyalgia makes me do it. Any woman with 5 children is already strong and brave; letting your family have the honor of being your extra hands when you need them is a different kind of strength, and one that may test your pride.

It may be helpful to have a heart to heart talk with your mom, and explain to her that not being able to do things the way you did before fibro is hurting your pride, but that you are working on setting that pride aside when necessary. Learning to accept help takes time and practice. Maybe you can enlist your mom to help you think of ways to adapt your activities. I'm guessing that in her heart she just wants to make you all better, and is frustrated and sad because she can't. Asking her to be one of your advocates will give her something to focus on other than lecturing you, and will help relieve her feeling of needing to do something to make you better.

I hope you find something useful in what I've said. My hugs to you and to your mom.