The weather yo yo’s from one temp to another. My body seems like it is messed up. Does anyone have a burning sensation across the upper back, shoulders, down the arms to about the elbows? That is what I have today, along with my ankle locking up on me, I almost fell that time. I wish I had something to look forward to. I know there are good things out there, but I can not seem to see them. All I want to do is go back to bed and sleep. I already hate the long nights and that will get worse.
I sit and look forward to obvious things that will happen. The years my son and daughter are here with me will go by fast. I am not with anyone, although I really pray and hope “he” comes along. As it is now, when they are moved out, I will be alone and the only companion I will have is “where does it hurt today”. I don’t want to be alone then, I don’t want to be alone now. I want to feel loved, treasured, cherished despite my illness. I want to know I am more than just a mom/dad.
Lately I have been so down, I cry, I sleep, I function only to what I have to do. I hate this sad feeling. Too many worries about being able to give my kids a nice Christmas. I don’t even have a Christmas tree this year.
I am sorry, I am not able to type more, although I really want to get it out there. I can’t see through my tears right now.
Dawn, I know all those feelings very well. I have family, but they just don’t “get” it. That’s why it’s very important to be here for each other. Write more when you can.
Warm thoughts & gentle hugs,
Tee
Hi Dawn. That's a very sad letter you wrote. And very heartfelt.
I think your pain is doing a number on you today. In other words, pain is causing despair/depression. I would strongly encourage you to go back to your doctor and share this info with him/her. In my non-medical opinion, you need some help now coping with the depression that has come as a result of the pain. And then you also need more pain help. Is your pain level up recently? That's the way it sounds from your letter. Remember, when pain goes up, so does the depression.
That's not to discount any of your thoughts and fears. They are real and valid. But I think that if you weren't so pain logged, you would be more better able to tackle the fear and sadness. My opinion is that you deserve to live without all of the fear and sadness. And pain. So, in my opinion, I think it's time to pick up the phone and make a doctor's appointment.
Dawn, I do know how awful the pain gets and how desperate we feel as a result. My heart goes out to you for suffering through this. And I am sure that as you get older, your children will be involved and helping you out if this illness still exists at that time (hopefully not!) You love and care about them very much and I think they will pick up those traits and treat you the same way.
Many gentle hugs to you today to get you over this hump,
Thank you angelonearth. I have very tender spots there as well. If I could wish for anything I want in the world, I would wish for a pain-free day, and the load on my shoulders lifted, just to see what it is like. I laid on my side last night and woke up and my hand had fallen asleep because i laid on my arm wrong.
Hi Dawn, I’m so sorry you are having such a hard time, I can totally understand how overwhelming life as a single mother can be. I also had no help, no breaks, and having that responsibility along with the pain of fibro, it can be so depressing. I don’t really know how I would have managed had I had this fibro when my kids were young … Yikes I can only say, take one day at a time, one moment at a time.
Like petunia said your kids will grow up to be very caring and compassionate.
You have to try & do something for yourself… ???
Something you may enjoy,
I like you hope to have someone in my life to cherish & love me, so we can pray for each other that we find our night in shinning armor … Lol not really a joke though hope it made you smile
Christmas will be fine, and ya know what, as much as it made me feel good to give my kids lots of gifts, it really tought them nothing, when I was growing up I remember one Christmas that I only got one gift, and all I remember is my mom crying that she couldn’t do more, that experience has made me appreciate thing more, had more care for my mother also. when times were hard my mom would pull us togeather & say we all have to help eachother if we going to get throught this… Lucky to have the lights on
It made me so close with my brothers, we always looked out for each other
Not sure if that helped I’m rambling … My heart goes out to you, I know how you feel …
You are not alone !!!
Hugs & blessings
Even my mom thinks I just need to straighten up. She is older (88 yrs), so I don't expect any changes in what she thinks of this. My brother and sisters, they seem to be in their little circle and basically have forgotten about me. The insides of my elbows hurt, if I sit wrong or lean on my arms wrong, it hurts. So it always seems like I am shifting and moving around when I sit. I stand up, then my thighs, knees, ankles, hips and lower back hurt so I shift and move around. It's hard enough being a single mom with a set and limited income. This just makes things so much more difficult that there are many days I wouldn't get out of bed if I didn't have to get my kids off to school. Will write more later, once again my tears fall.
I saw my psychiatrist yesterday, he changed some of my meds, so hopefully they will help. My pain level has been moderate high to high lately. I don't know why, none of us do, but we have yo -yo weather rights now. I have a lot of stress again. Seems like I get rid of one big thing (which was my sons eye surgery) and another one moves in to take it's place. I am truly tired of wondering what will be hurting tomorrow, if I will be able to sleep tonight, I have restless legs, trying to make sure everything is good with my 2 youngest, my daughter is in 7 grade and my son is in 3 grade. Finances, hoping to be able to keep my apt after my heat assistance runs out. I am trying to save any extra pennies I can so I have that to rely on in a few months if needed.
I'm sorry, I was just running on about what most have to worry about. I am waiting for a return call from my family doctor for an appt for my physical. Sometimes they are booked out so far I may very well end up waiting 2 months or so.
Desperate is a very good word to describe part of how I feel. Sometimes I just want to crawl out of this pain ridden body just to remember what it felt like not to hurt, not to cry, not to be so tired because I can't sleep at night, not to be so fatigued it is work just to go to the grocery store. But I know that isn't possible, so I can only do what I can do for myself. I have no one to lean on.
That is awesome that you have family with you. I can only wish for that, but it has pretty much been the same way with my family for several years. I know this will sound really stupid, but when you said 'you have to try and do something for yourself, something you may enjoy', I am not sure what that is. I have always put my kids first, trying to deal with issues as they come up (which seems like an endless supply) that I am not sure what I would do, and if I did, how I would deal with the guilt of it.
A knight in shining armor...if you find one, find one with a brother and send him my way.
The holidays are always hard. The last time we got together it just ended up in bickering and my mom crying, etc., so I just stay here with my son and daughter and let my sister and brother do whatever they do when including my mom. She won't come and stay with me so it's kind of hard to do things with her. It's a very dysfunctional and separated "family". My daughter is so moody minute to minute...and I have a few years to enjoy that too. Ugh....just take me away, to relax, recharge, reflect,...and be ok with being just me.
Hi Dawn, I feel so sad that your family is so separated … Life is so short & precious, I could never understand how people can be like that. I lost my oldest brother 4 months ago, he was only 50, and my dad last year, my youngest brother had a bilateral lung transplant 5 months ago, I guess when your sick and loosing people you just see things in a different light. I try and cherish my mother everyday, even though she can drive me crazy.
As for your daughter how old is she ? Girls can be so difficult, I had the worst time with my daughter OMG, it was awful, but now that she is 29, married & has a son, she has done a 150, she is so wonderful, I’m so blessed to have her, but when she was younger I would have traded her for 3 boys in a heart beat. ( moody is to nice a word ) they are brutal, not even sure how I managed, I feel your pain.
I do understand about always putting kids first, I did that my whole life, like you I didn’t know what it was I even enjoyed, bec it was always about the kids, now that my kids are grown I kinda regret that I didn’t take more time for me, they have there life, and now it’s just me, there still very much a part of my life, but so is fibro … Ugh
Hang in there, they do grow up fast…
I hope you can find a way to recharge, & relax,
Hugs.
You still have a little while to worry about a Christmas tree! I know you'll find one somewhere, there are always deals to be had, someone who gets a new one, and donates the old. I also know you will do your best to give your kids a nice Christmas. We always find a way! You have a strong faith, let it work for you!
I know about the weather making you feel bad, I go through the same thing, winter is very, very hard on me!
Oh Dawn, I'm sorry that life is so tough on you. You've got enough major stressors for 3 or 4 people, let alone one person. When I lived in Florida, I noticed that the Baptist Church tended to help people like yourself fairly often. They might be a resource you'd like to consider in regards to your heat situation. I'm not making any kind of religious referral here, just noting that they were good about helping others in need. If not them, perhaps the Salvation Army? They try to help some if they have the money. Catholic Charities, Operation Round Up and Citizens Energy also offer some help.
Is there medicine you can take for restless leg syndrome? I don't know how you get a moment's sleep with that problem unless you get some help. And sometimes a little bit of pleading (I'm in so much pain right now and desperately need to see the doctor for help with my pain) gets you an earlier appointment than you would otherwise get. I'm not suggesting to abuse the situation, only to truthfully tell the appointment person just how much you really need the doctor's appointment. I hope your doc can give you some meaningful pain meds because i don't see how you can function with two kids without some help.
Hi Dee, thank you .. my daughter is going to be 13 in a month. She already has her period, it started almost a year ago. I have 4 boys, three olders boys that are on their own, and there are days I would trade her for 4 boys. I honestly believe that boys are easier to raise, less taxing on my heart. I love her with all I have, as I love all my kids with all I have.
I twisted and knocked against the open dishwasher door yesterday. I didn't fall on it, it certainly would have "cushioned" my fall on the floor, since it was going with me ... lol. I hurt so bad today by trying not to break the door off. Hopefully it will get better as the day moves on.
Hi SK, I think I was just letting out some of my garbled thoughts out yesterday about Christmas. I just want hem to have a good Christmas, that would be my gift is to see their smiles on Christmas morn. I am sore so I am gonna go for now.
Thank you Sunny, sending gentle hugs back to you. Today looks like it will be a bit better so hopefully it will help, especially since I twisted to avoid falling on my dishwaher door.
