Do husbands expect more when we are home everyday?

Support Information to Share with Loved Ones
1

I have not been able to work for 1 1/2 years due to Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue and most recently depression. I have been sleeping 10 to 12 hours (interrupted) and then another 2 - 3 hour nap. Physical activities wipe me out, then I need to lay down or take a nap.

My husband thinks since I am home all day he should be able to come home to a clean house, the dishes and laundry done, dinner made, and now raking the leaves, too. I have been trying to pace myself and rake the leaves for the last few days before it rains, it is not done yet, and I am exhausted. The house is a mess, the dishes aren't done, and I haven't paid the bills, but I am ready for another nap.

Anyone else have expectations like this from there husband or others that are more than you can possibly do?

Teri

2

Mine expects this and I still work. But yes, when I was home for 16 months my husband thought he should come home to a sparkling home with clean dishes, clothes, kids and I was to meet him at the door with a beer and a smile. After 14 months I had enough and said I would have a job by April, I started my job on March 15th. I hated being at home. Very depressing, everyday same routine. Get up, get kids ready for bus, put baby down for nap, clean house/play with baby, pick up kids from bus, clean up their mess, make dinner, clean up their mess, go to bed. I never could get into a routine or get my kids to clean up behind themselves.

3

i guess each situation varies. i have been disabled for 28ish years with severe case of chronic fatigue immune dysfunction syndrome with a multitude of things that jumped on board. i was bedridden ( litterally ) for the first 10 of those years. Now i am fairly homebound but i can do some things ( llike type , push a mouse, feed and wash myself, read, as you can see. So in my case the relentless suffering and disablitly was not anything that could be denied so my family did not expect anything from me other than the hope of getting some effective treatment for me to heal and recover. I also cook as often as possible and i can do some other things but i stay pretty much at home. Illness and relationships affect everyone differently. it is not easy for the one who is ill or the family members. Often the relatives need a better understanding of what is going on so they can more effectively understand. sending them links with credible articles and information helps and/or taking them to the doctors appointments. I wish you all the best for your well being and send you HUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGS

suzie

4

Hello Teri,

I think this condition is incredibly difficult for others to understand. I have encouraged my family to read up about it, there is a letter from a fibro sufferer and various websites explaining how to understand someone with chronic pain. The family are beginning to get the message, and my partner is trying really hard to be supportive. Still don't think they get it totally - who can blame them!

I wish you luck, take care

Anne

5

Terri,

Yes, situations do vary and our ailments are at times difficult for others to understand. I won't jabber about my condition because this is not about me. But, what I will say is that it is hard for us that are going through something like Fibro, CFS, MS, Dementia, Alzheimers, etc... But if you have a spouse, children, significant other, family member, so on and so forth, who once solely depended on you, you have to step back and put yourself in their shoes. Any relationship comes from a partnership. That means that either way the teeter totter rocks it still has to equal 100%. Now don't get me wrong I know how bad you feel but sometimes we have to kick ourselves in the butt to go above and beyond and fight the condition back with all our might, pull that strength up from the bottom of your feet, no matter how hard it may be sometimes and take care of you relationships or they will falter. Let me tell you from experience... I struggle too, but I love my husband, my children my grandchildren, my family and my friends, and I will not give in or give up. What one woman won't do another one will.... Just Keepin it real...

Love G

6

Hi, Teri. I am sorry you are going through this with family. Because we have an invisible illness, it is very easy for loved ones to lapse and forget we are suffering and have a very real disability. There is an excellent article posted in our featured discussions up top on understanding someone with chronic pain that you would do well to read if you haven’t yet and pass along to your husband. We’ll continue to be here for you for support when you need us.
Hugs,
Laurie

7



Inspiration said:

Terri,

Yes, situations do vary and our ailments are at times difficult for others to understand. I won't jabber about my condition because this is not about me. But, what I will say is that it is hard for us that are going through something like Fibro, CFS, MS, Dementia, Alzheimers, etc... But if you have a spouse, children, significant other, family member, so on and so forth, who once solely depended on you, you have to step back and put yourself in their shoes. Any relationship comes from a partnership. That means that either way the teeter totter rocks it still has to equal 100%. Now don't get me wrong I know how bad you feel but sometimes we have to kick ourselves in the butt to go above and beyond and fight the condition back with all our might, pull that strength up from the bottom of your feet, no matter how hard it may be sometimes and take care of you relationships or they will falter. Let me tell you from experience... I struggle too, but I love my husband, my children my grandchildren, my family and my friends, and I will not give in or give up. What one woman won't do another one will.... Just Keepin it real...

Love G

I still struggle with this website/discussion group. don't know what my problem is. but everything everyone said is good and completely understandable but I have to say, Inspiration... and I don't know where this going to "land" is right on... we have to Keep it Real -- what choice do we have? I have fibro, neuropathy, osteoarthritis and a few other disorders to boot. i have had these problems for years but only in the last year have finally gotten a neurologist to understand and help and my rheumatologist is awesome (who was the dr to diagnose me with fibro probably 5 years ago) -- very important to have a good rheumatologist I believe. I get IVIG infusion treatments for CIDP monthly (neurologist) am still trying to find the right drug(s) to help and have many problems like the ones you all have mentioned. i have worked full time for almost 30 years (as a legal secy) on a job that is going away and worked many years at other jobs before that and I am WORN OUT... literally. will probably try and go the social security disability route which my drs believe shouldn't be too difficult but who knows?!? and I am terrified of finding if/what type of insurance I can afford to get for me and my family (b/c I have always carried our insurance as my husband is self-employed) and afraid if i have to go back to work (I'm 58) that I'll have trouble finding a job -- my current boss is very kind about my "bad days" but all this to say... I do not believe my family completely gets it but I think they try... that's all i can hope for. it's frustrating for all for sure. God bless you all

8

Hi, Teri.

Thanks for sharing. I needed to read this today. Yes, this is happening to me, too, and I'm tired of feeling guilty about it. I'm able to work, (and feel better when I do since my mind is preoccupied), but I've been unemployed for a year and continue to job hunt, eager to get out of this homebound hell.

Even though I've gotten my husband to read up on FMS, etc., he still doesn't get it and thinks a lot of it, not all, is in my head and I'm being lazy. When I tried to find an easier workaround for some tasks recently, he asked why I'm always trying to take the easy way out...????? He doesn't get it. I'm not trying to get out of work - I'm trying to make it easier on myself, so I can do more in a day!

A few things I TRY or PLAN to do to help myself:

1. Put dishes in the dishwasher (or wash) immediately after each meal, so they don't stack up and become harder to do.

2. Stagger chores throughout the week, as needed (Mon - dust and vacuum, Wed - clean bathrooms, Sat - change bed linens, etc., so I'm not trying to do too much in one day. Sunday, I don't do anything strenuous.

3. Set up all bills possible on autopay through my bank and/or credit card. (I still missed two bills that came through a couple of months ago...)

4. Do something for myself every day - apply for at least one job, keep up on dr appts, eat better, exercise, yoga, meditation, Epsom salt soak, journal, etc. (Except for supplements and a better diet, I currently DON'T do the above, but bought Epsom salt yesterday, so there's a start! I have a 4 month old pilates machine still in the box...)

5. Volunteer time doing something I enjoy. As Site Admin, I'm helping to resurrect the once famous giving site 29Gifts, now on follr.com and Facebook. Sadly, I've been too tired to devote time to the new website lately, but plan to jump back in Nov 1 to keep the momentum going. I rescue stray and abandoned animals and work with a no-kill shelter to find them homes.

6. Continue to make contact with others with my condition(s) to share stories and support. It doesn't make the pain go away, but it sure helps to have you guys around to empathize and share solutions with. I recently joined a couple of Facebook sites. If you're interested in them, let me know. We're all in the same boat, even though we feel isolated.

7. Take my dog to the park daily.

8. And this is a big one - don't let my husband's words or attitude affect me, because I'm the only one who can allow that to happen!

9

I have the same problem with my husband. He is also dealing with health issues so it's hard because we both feel like crap most days but, we do try and understand each other. He is better now that he has researched FMS. That has helped my family and friends that don't have it as well. I think all of the advice on this discussion is great as well. It is hard when others don't understand and it causes depression and anxiety for me. I don't like it. I hope all is better with you. :)