Not sure any of this will make sense but feel I have to talk to someone and since I don’t have anyone in-person, this was the best place I could think of.
This may get long, will probably be ramble-y and if it was pen and paper, would definitely be tear stained. Sorry in advance.
I don’t post often, a long-ingrained teaching of “you don’t talk about personal or family matters outside the family” thing. But like I said, I got to talk to someone and family isn’t it. Some just don’t understand, some just simply don’t care.
I guess I am just tired . . . tired of the pain that never goes away, tired of the fatigue that is all consuming, tired of the depression and anxiety that tags along with the pain and fatigue. I’m tired of the struggle.
I am tired of people thinking they know my situation better than I and freely telling me just what I need to do to “fix” my problem. I am tired of complete strangers telling me if I would just lose some weight, or would exercise more, I wouldn’t have the trouble I do. I am tired of being told I am lazy, playing the system (even though I am not receiving any help from the system), looking for sympathy, etc. Even friends and family chime in at times.
I’m tired of people asking how I am doing, but then brushing me off if I say anything other than “fine” “ok” or “not bad.” If you don’t want to know how I am doing, don’t ask! I realize some use such kind of like a “hi,” but when you have just seen them spend several minutes listening to someone else, after having asked them the same question, it hurts.
I’m tired of struggling to get the doctor to listen, REALLY listen to me. Not just hear what he wants to hear. Not see me as some kind of financial picture - Oh, no insurance, no money; this is a waste of my time. I’m tired of begging for help, only to get a condescending “it’s just severe arthritis, learn to live with it.” Learn to live with it . . . I’ve been doing that for over 12 years. It’s getting harder and harder to “live with it”; what happens when I can’t live with it any longer?
I am tired of easy answers that don’t really answer. Severe arthritis is an easy answer but it doesn’t explain the muscle pain, the spots that can be so tender that just barely touching them brings tears, the times when my skin is so sensitive that even my cat brushing against me hurts. Severe arthritis doesn’t explain the brain fog, the inability to focus and concentrate or the constant fatigue that never goes away. Seldom do I have a day that I don’t take at least one nap, some days it is 2 or even 3.
I am tired of trying to stretch pennies. The savings is gone now, there wasn’t a great deal there to begin with. I have virtually no income. I tried getting some computer work that I could do from home and it fell through. I’m trying to get some income coming in from resale, but that will take time. In the meantime, my phone has been disconnected, my other utilities are in danger of such, the property taxes and car tags are late, and until I can pay the doctor bill I have and have the next visit’s fee in hand, I can’t see him either. The only thing I am not behind on is the car insurance (I still have 3 months before it is due), but somehow that’s little consolation since the computer is going out on my car and I can’t rely on it. Rather difficult to go anywhere when you have to get someone to jump it just to get it started and then you can’t turn it off or you can’t start it again without another jump. And don’t plan on going to far because you never know when it will give out completely and leave you stranded. There is no money to repair it, let alone replace it. And being 25 miles from the nearest town, means no alternative transportation.
No, I can’t work at the local grocery, convenience store, farm store, restaurant, etc. No, I can’t work in dietary or housekeeping at the hospital or nursing home, either. Nor can I do housecleaning (most days I struggle just to get my own done). I can’t do the lifting, bending, standing, etc. that they require; nor can I keep my focus - brain fog is NOT an asset when working. I can’t stay awake for an entire shift, and if I do manage, by some miracle to do so, I am not safe to drive home. At least not if I want to arrive home without blacking out most of the drive home or worse. I’ve done that more than I care to - very scary to realize you are home in your driveway; and you have no recollection of getting from work to home. Even more disheartening to drive to work, realize you don’t have memory of doing so - and you still have your shift to work.
I am just tired.
I want you to know you are not alone. Have you considered going on disability? Disability does not mean you are lazy or just “using” the system. It is there for a reason. Just for a moment, I’m going to put that aside and tell you about other types of help available. If you live in the USA, you can call all your utility companies to see if you qualify for financial help. If not, they may be willing to reduce your bills for “that month.” If you have medical bills, talk to the business office. They will help you by setting up a monthly payment plan. You may also qualify to have your bill paid in full. I learned this year that medical bills are negotiable. Sounds crazy. Right? I have reduced my medical bills, this year, by THOUSANDS of dollars. It’s amazing what is negotiable. The worst thing anyone can tell you is NO. Many churches have benevolence programs to help with bills. I know this does not take away the physical and emotional pain you are enduring but it might help a little. You deserve love, respect, kindness and care. You deserve to be believed! I believe you. We believe you. We will help you get through this. We all need each other because we hurt in the inside so much but have nothing on the outside to show our wounds. I’ll keep thinking of more resources available to you. 
