Need some advice fibro and husband

Support
1

This is much more personal than i want to be on here but im desperate for any kind of advice i can get. Here it gies…

My husband has been angry, bitter and emotionally and mentally harsh on me for quite some time.

It all comes down to not being able to go and do things with him, not sleeping in the same bed ( I sleep on the couch) I can’t sleep on my mattress , no money to get new one.
I can’t travel with him when he has gone to see family. Sometimes he wants to go to the bar ( I don’t drink) but he would want to stay till he can’t drink anymore and that is impossible for me. If I wanted to go anywhere for a little while, it’s not okay with him. He doesn’t want to compromise and support the fact that I have issues and I I always and will do my best. I always have. It won’t be enough. He’ll still be mad.

I don’t know what to do. I can’t change what has happened to me, but each day I give it all I got. I’m in a transition of accepting this fibro but not giving up at the same time. It’s hard to do when I don’t have ANY SUPPORT from my own husband of 27 of marriage.
If he educated himself on fibro and had a better understanding, he would be proud of me for doing what I do everyday.

He said we have no relationship.
All he knows is that I can’t go and do things with him and blames me for that.
He thinks that I’m okay with staying home and never doing anything and won’t here me when I say thats not true.
He said even if you do anything you can’t stay and enjoy yourself because your hurting or tired.
He doesn’t know anything about this condition and doesn’t care to. I gave him information to read but it just sat there and I finally put it away.

Most of you know what this fibro is and how it robs you of life in a lot of ways. I don’t know how to appease him because I can’t change it.

He is fed up and I don’t know what to do. How can I make this work? I don’t want to loose my marriage : (

Love Lisa

2

Hi Lisa...I'm probably not the best one to be giving you advice as I've been divorced now for 10 years. I feel very sorry for your circumstances and in fact it made me mad. I know you don't want to lose your marriage...but in my mind it is difficult enough trying to deal with Fibro more so when your first diagnosed and for some time afterward to accept this illness ourselves. I couldn't even imagine having to deal with a partner who is and I'm sorry for saying this self-absorbed and selfish. You are suppose to be the woman he loves and he cannot take the time to read information on what is affecting his wife's health. It is very sad and wrong! I don't know how much energy you have to want to continue to deal with this, but perhaps some professional help may help. Maybe having a third party give their input might open his eyes. That is providing you could even get him to go to counselling. I hope others here can give you some advice on how to deal and cope with this. Just know you do have support and understanding here and my comment is truly in support of you. You simply just don't deserve this treatment. I hope you find your answers and continue to place yourself first in taking care of your health! Hugs...Sue (Dreamcatcher)

3

Oh Lisa
I wish I had some words of wisdom for you, but sadly I don’t.
It’s hard to fight everyday with a condition which strips you of your energy and ability to participate in activities which you have done in the past - before fibro, but it’s not possible now.

I often feel angry and frustrated that my life has such limitations, and I hate having to refuse invites (which my partner might like to attend) but I know it’s just not possible…
I am however very fortunate that my partner accepts that my pain and fatigue are very real and he supports me and recognises when things are just too much…,
I went through a period when I felt I didnot contribute anything into our relationship, and I gave myself a really hard time about it, that was until I discussed it with my counsellor and she recognised that I did contribute greatly to our relationship - James always rings me, while at work, he likes to tell me everything, when he comes home he loves to sit and talk about his work and loves to hear my point of view on different matters. My counsellor made me realise that I am his support, his sounding board,
and most importantly I am there for him at the end of every day…

Now I appreciate that your husband is not willing to read the literature you leave around (about fms) which to me makes me think he’s a little frightened to acknowledge it, because if he does then it means he has to also accept that you are restricted now - and that may be something he does not want to do, so he sticks his head in the sand…,
I was wondering - do you see a counsellor ever, to discuss your condition and the impact it is having on your family life???
I am a great believer in it, having found that it opened my eyes to things I did not see, it gave me perspective, and my lovely counsellor challenged many negative thoughts I had about myself and she somehow managed to turn them into positives.

I truly hope that things start to get easier for you, and I hope you realise that everyone on here is here to support you, be a friend to you, be non judgemental - so you feel you can say/ask anything you want to, and know you are safe.
I am sending you a gentle hug, and I’ll pray that things start to
Improve.
Bev

4

Hey Lisa,

I am so sorry to hear about all that you are going through. Fibro makes everything so much more difficult, including relationships. Recently I went through a bit of a break up, he was a neat man but I don't think he understood enough and just simply couldn't relate to what I have to face every single day. Its so easy for those we love to misenterpret what we're going through from the outside looking in.

I am praying for you, your husband and your marriage. I hope that he will take time to try and see things from your perspective as I'm sure you've done with him. It sounds to me like he loves you, but being a man gets upset that he can't understand or fix the situation and pain your going through.
I'm glad you posted this, you need to be able to vent. And if anyone will understand and relate to what your going through, it is definitely all of us on this support group.

Many blessings and prayers your way!

5

Hi Lisa,

I feel bad that this is happening to you. Debilitating illness changes everything in your life, and sometimes people change without illness. What you once liked to do together, may not be possible to the other, or interesting to the other after a while, and it's difficult.

One of the things we had looked forward to was traveling, but now, with my bad back, it's harder and harder just to ride to the grocery store or the Doctor's office. My husband goes to his Army reunion alone, it's important to him to go, be with his guys, he is disappointed that I just can no longer go, but he understands, and I encourage him to still go, and so he does!

Even tonight, he wanted to take my Mom and I out for Mother's Day, I did NOT want to go, fight the crowds, wait in lines, feel rushed, just did not have it in me!

You have been given some good sound advice and wisdom by Sue and Bev, I agree with the counselor, though it does not sound like he would be willing to go. When you go to counseling, you have to do the work or it is not successful, and you have to be willing to go and talk about it and take steps to compromise, to acknowledge, to attempt to understand.

You are in a really tough spot, I hope you can get through to him, I hope that some understanding can come of it all. I understand that he is angry that he no longer has the woman he once did, and he's mad, God knows we go through the anger phase of this, and I guess some of the spouses, and significant others do too! Some can get through it, some get stuck.

I understand the position you are in, and I support you, always. I hope that you can find a way to get through this.

Wishing you well,

SK

6

I want to say thank you to each and everyone of you.
I’m sorry that I had to talk about that part of my life but it is because of fibro that this is happening.

I myself went to counseling 2011 - 2012. Although I wasn’t completely comfortable with her I stuck it out.
I am going to see her at the end of the month.

My husband has always been self absorbed and on the selfish side. If he had any idea I think he would be somewhat human about it. I never complain or talk to him about it cuz I don’t want to make him mad. Sometimes when the pain is great , people can just see it by looking at your face. When he has known that the pain is really bad, he has never asked if I’m okay or if there is something he can do.

While I can’t comprehend how someone, especially someone that’s been in my life for this long can be so shallow and uncompationate , he doesnt seem to hsve a consience. I have had to swallow it. You can’t make someone care.

He has gone out of his way to intimidate me and hurt me.

I have supported him in everything in his life. I have praised him, respected him, forgiven him, understood him when others said he didn’t deserve it. Most of all I’ve taken care of him and loved with all my heart. What more could I have possibly done?

I still continue to do what’s right. I pray that God would Please stop him from hurting me and protect me only because I can’t do it myself and I know he hears my prayers.

Although my friends and I on here have never met, I have a lot of concern and compasion for you. I want to be there for you too!

Thank you for listening and all the things you said. I am greatful .

Love Lisa

7

Dear Lisa...You have done more than enough. Please understand this is not about anything you have done wrong or can do. Life is about choice and he chooses to be that way. You have a beautiful soul...very strong to have endured this. I hope you try to find a therapist who will listen and support you. Someone who will validate you as you too need to value yourself! People who have to intimidate is because they are very insecure themselves. He probably feels threatened by you in some way and hence the abusive treatment to keep you feeling bad and that most of this is your fault. NOT TRUE! Again we are here for you. Wishing you well :)

8

Thank you dream catcher thanks for being there. It means a lot to me. Is it okay to put in a friend request to you? I don’t think I have… ; )

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Of course! :) Wishing you a lovely day tomorrow! Add me it will be a pleasure to be your friend!

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Dear Lisa,

I'm sorry to hear that you are having trouble with your marriage due to your medical problems. Men go from their mamas to the next mama and deep down they are still little boys. When they are sick the whole world comes to an end. Their egos must be stroked and nurtured (sorry guys) and it's a full time job. Women aren't allowed to be sick and when they are, they'd better get well quick because everything depends on them. There I'm done bashing for now.

Do you belong to a church that provides couples counseling? Maybe a couples retreat? If he still wants you to do things with him, then that is a good sign. Take him with you to the next doctors appointment and have your doctor explain your condition. It's possible that he needs to hear about fibro instead of reading about it. It is possible that this could be a positive turning point in your marriage that will bring you closer than ever. 27 years of marriage is worth fighting for, but if he continues the abuse, then you must save yourself.

I will be praying for you two.

11

Hi cantdance,
Thank you for your advice, I have nothing to loose in asking him to go to counseling for him to gain some understanding… I don’t belong to a church although I have gone here and there over the years.
Thank you or your kindness and most of all your prayers. : )

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Thank you Kelly, I sent a friend request: )

13

After reading all the other wonderful members input and advice, and your responses, I feel so strongly that you are a kind, tolerate, loving wife who deserved to be cherished and put 1st.
Now im aware miracles don’t happen but I certain that we are all willing for one.
I’m sorry your therapist was not as successful with you and your dilemmas but I’m glad to see you are going to give it another go.

This may be something you feel would not suit you, but if your husband seems unhappy to share your issues verbally, could you write to him or email him??? Not just your symptoms but how you living with fibro is for you… How it’s stolen the things from you that he valued, and that you are sad for that.
I’m not suggesting that this will make any difference but it may be an approach which makes him think a little more.
I hope so for you. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Bev

14

Lisa, I'm so sorry for the sadness you are feeling, I wish I could give you a big gentle hug right now.. You are now in my prayers and I am very happy that you found this group! I feel very blessed that I found it and that I could turn to other people that understand what I'm going through..I will send a friend request in case u need to someone else to vent, cry, scream or laugh with..please take care Love, Liz/mimi-my grandma name :)

15

Lisa, I don’t know you but was saddened to read your post & hear of the pain and anguish you’re experiencing. I don’t want to overstep but want to ask, it’s obvious tat your husband is hurting you emotionally and that is awful. But I wanted to ask you if he’s physically hurting you or do you fear he might? There is a lot of support out there for all types of abuse and no one should have to suffer and endure any kind of abuse. No one deserves to be hurt, emotionally or physically. Counseling is a great idea and I hope and pray it helps you both but if he’s physically hurting you or you are afraid he might, you need to protect yourself, and your children if you have them, and remove yourself from the situation. We are here to support you as are many organizations. All you have to do is ask. Take good care & gentle hugs. ~Wen

16

Hello Lisa,

I was in the same boat with my wife... I also do not have any magic advice. I just got lucky.

One day the wife went with me to see my Doctor who was trying some new medications and my wife made some comment that I never really heard to my doctor. My Doctor (a female) turned to my wife and said somewhat harshly, "Frankly I do not know how he has been able to keep working this long. I told him to stop working and apply for SSI years ago!"

It was not until that moment she understood that there was even something wrong. Sure, she knew I had something called Fibromyalgia, but to her that was about as bad as gas pain, or bloating once a month. We went home and she spent the evening actually reading about Fibromyalgia. Not like I have not handed her information about it before. But this time the Doctor let her know exactly how serious of a problem this is for me.

When the Doctor and I started talking about this year being my last year I should be driving on another Doctor visit our world changed and we now work together to do what we can when we can together.

I trimmed one bush in the back yard this weekend. Well half a bush. My daughter finished cutting it while I pointed to branches from a lawn chair. At least I got outside once. :)

17

Hi Lisa, I am so sorry you have to deal with this, fibro is hard enough !!! I spent 15 years married to a selfish, self centered man … & I just kept praying, forgiving, and hoping things would get better. I loved him & was a good wife. Thank god I didn’t have fibro to deal with at that time. While I do believe people can change, especially with prayer, if he is unwilling to fight for the marriage ( counseling ) ( communicating ) & making the much needed changes… You have to do what’s best for your health… We all know how stress makes us worse. I’m not a marriage therapist , but I have been to see many & read every book out there on how to save a marriage… My suggestion is ask him if he is willing to fight to save the marriage ? If he is, find a good marriage expert, if he won’t … Then you should go, if your not happy with the one you are seeing, find someone else.
You sound like a wonderful wife, and it breaks my heart to here, he won’t even read the info on fibro, I expect that from my 19 year old son, but would not expect that of a spouse of 27 years.
You deserve his support, fight for it… Don’t settle for him being selfish, it’s time for him to grow up, it sounds like he has been displaying this poor behavior for a long time…
I wish I had some magical words of wisdom, I do feel lead to say… You need to speak up, if he gets mad, that’s his problem, not your. Unless he has a bad anger issue ? Then talk to someone about it, or tell him you want to communicate with him but you walk on egg shells trying to avoid him getting mad or upset. And honestly if that’s the case, that is no way to live… I had to finally decide, I’d rather be alone than be in a horrible marriage,( but my x- had cheated on me so many times, he said he lost count. )( good reason for divorce)
I will keep you in my prayers… You deserve his support !!!
Hugs
& blessings
dee

18

Thanks again to those that continued to reply to my post. I am taking in all that was said and it’s not taken for granted. I don’t know for sure, if any of you know what a response means to me but all I can say is that I don’t know where I would be right now if I didn’t find this site and the people that are on it!

You all mean so much. Sounds odd because I know to some of you, that I am someone you don’t know. I am looking forward to being a friend to those I haven’t really gotten to know yet and to those that I have gotten to know a little better, I am enjoying what feels like a friendship.

I think it’s great that we can all reach out on here with the ability to build real friendships. Trust is important because we learn with this condition it’s hard for SOME of us to put our trust in:

  1. Doctors
  2. Family
  3. Friends
  4. Work place
  5. Co workers
  6. Insurance company’s
  7. Government
    ECT…

It’s always easier to trust someone that has experienced the toll fibro has on our bodies and the affect it has had in our lives.
We share together
We grieve together
We cry together
We find humor together
We laugh together
We listen together
We research together
My definition of FRIENSHIP : ) here’s to my friends! Thank you : )

Love Lisa

19

Wow, Lisa. That's a tense situation. But I'm not sure how you can be a "better" person when your only "sin" is to be ill. And it's truly a shame to have a spouse who acts a certain way when we'd never allow a friend to treat us the same way. Maybe it's time for you think more about you and less about him? Because it sounds like you've done everything you can for him, plus some, and it's not moving any mountains, so to speak. What if you were a single person and just met him. Would you appreciate his non-acceptance of your illness? How would you feel if your new male friend wanted you to be up 'til all hours and stay up, evn if you couldn't without a lot of pain? I'm willing to bet that if you both were just starting to date that you wouldn't be very thrilled with his behavior.

Going to a counselor on your own is a good idea if he won't go too. You certainly deserve to be respected and accepted and hopefully a counselor would be able to show you this too. And I do believe that when YOU believe that you deserve to be respected and accepted that things will start falling into place as they should.

I know I'm not the greatest advice giver but I thought I'd weigh in anyway. My thoughts are with you and I hope you can get better resolution to this matter.

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Wonderfully put! Bravo!