New Member: Really struggling to see the point of trying anymore

Support
1

Hi all,

I am a new member and I have been battling fibro for at least 7 years or so. I think it may have been triggered by a mono-like virus or possibly from one of a few surgeries I had. Anyway, I have struggled to find time to go to the doctor and now I have been struggling with my doctor on treatment options. She doesn't seem to realize the urgency of the situation with me. I am a veterinary surgeon. I stand at a table for most of my 10 hour work day performing surgery. Obviously a physically tasking job. You all know the feelings that I am feeling. I can't even stand the feeling of clothes on my skin, can't take a deep breath due to rib pain, can't sleep due to muscle fasciculations... I have been in pain and struggling to stay awake outside of work for the past 7 years. I have lost a fiance and a boyfriend in part due to the way this horrible disease makes me feel. I have lost all of my hobbies because I am too tired or they were too physical to continue (I used to horseback ride, but now one ride leaves me unable to do much for several weeks). Gaining weight due to inability to work out. Feeling horrible about myself.

My problem right now is that I have nothing except a career as a veterinarian which already predisposed me to depression and suicide (vets are the highest suicide rate profession in the country). I have a few friends who will answer the phone, but are growing tired of my inability to see them or visit them, or talk about anything except how sad I am. My family does not understand my inability to just get over it and make comments about my weight and my lack of physical activity. I was abandoned years ago by my fiance because I couldn't keep up with the lifestyle he wanted to live anymore. Relationships since have fizzled when I couldn't muster the energy to be the fun girlfriend or they couldn't understand my migraines.

I am feeling very lost and hopeless. I don't see how anyone in my situation can possibly overcome the lack of family support, lack of friendships, and lack of hobbies much longer. I also don't see how anyone could ever possibly be expected to sign on to be my boyfriend or eventually my husband when I can't even stand myself most days.

Really struggling.

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I am in the same boat. I just started having flashbacks of being sexually assaulted 15 years ago. My life went Dian the toilet after that. I made bad decisions, lost the love if my life. Fast forward 10 years and I have 3 kids, and a husband who has turned to verbal abuse because he is so sick of me being sick.
I try so hard to be happy around my kids, but it is tiring! I can’t sleep. Some nights I get ready for bed only to realize I don’t think I ate anything all day.
All I really want to do is run. It is my form of suicide. I will run and all my problems will disappear. Except they don’t and the last time I did that, I turned into something else.
On top of all that, I get sucker punched with fibro and I have been trying to come to terms with that. Unfortunately I think I deserve all this pain. I think I deserve to have constant migraines. I deserve to be tired and unfun. I deserve all of the nastiness that goes with fibromyalgia, chronic pain and chronic fatigue. I hate it all. I kind of want to commit myself to a mental hospital for some intensive therapy. This twice a month crap isn’t cutting it.
I’m sorry. I just went off on my own tangent. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone and depression sucks. It sucks really bad.

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Hi Kristin, I am so sorry things are difficult, Fibro is a difficult thing for sure. I HIGHLY encourage you to contact your doctor immediately and let them know exactly how you are feeling. There are lots of different treatment approaches you can try, if your doctor isn't listening it sounds like it might be time to find a new doctor. I understand how isolating illness can be and it is important to keep involved in activities you enjoy. Fibro is often difficult for others to understand - there are a few good journal articles posted on here for loved ones to read that can help. Also you can google "spoon theory" and it pulls up a great illustration for others' to read to understand what life with chronic illness is like. What kinds of things are you doing to try to manage the Fibro? I agree that standing for long hours daily is very challenging. Is there another aspect of veterinary medicine you like that you could do instead? Something where you could sit more? Also, anytime you just need someone to talk to, you can always call 1800-273-TALK - they have friendly people available to listen. Please keep us updated on how you are doing. We CARE about you!! Hugs! Michelle, pet lover and owner of 2 dogs and 5 cats . . .

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Hi jmhaag, please know that no one deserves to have pain. No one here "asked" for Fibro. I am sorry you feel that way and I can relate to that, years ago I felt like that as well. But I realized that no one deserves to have a condition / disease / illness. Once I came to terms with that, I slowly started taking steps to change my thought pattern. It took a lot of work and therapy but I got to a place where I was happy. I also STRONGLY encourage you to contact your doctor immediately to let them know how you are feeling / thinking. There are a lot of medications available that can help with depression. Also, anytime you just need someone to talk to, you can always call 1800-273-TALK - they have friendly people available to listen. There is also a hotline for abusive situations, the number is 1800-799-7233 if you need to talk to someone in that regard. Please also keep us updated on how you are doing, we CARE about you!! Hugs! Michelle


jmhaag said:

I am in the same boat. I just started having flashbacks of being sexually assaulted 15 years ago. My life went Dian the toilet after that. I made bad decisions, lost the love if my life. Fast forward 10 years and I have 3 kids, and a husband who has turned to verbal abuse because he is so sick of me being sick.
I try so hard to be happy around my kids, but it is tiring! I can't sleep. Some nights I get ready for bed only to realize I don't think I ate anything all day.
All I really want to do is run. It is my form of suicide. I will run and all my problems will disappear. Except they don't and the last time I did that, I turned into something else.
On top of all that, I get sucker punched with fibro and I have been trying to come to terms with that. Unfortunately I think I deserve all this pain. I think I deserve to have constant migraines. I deserve to be tired and unfun. I deserve all of the nastiness that goes with fibromyalgia, chronic pain and chronic fatigue. I hate it all. I kind of want to commit myself to a mental hospital for some intensive therapy. This twice a month crap isn't cutting it.
I'm sorry. I just went off on my own tangent. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone and depression sucks. It sucks really bad.
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Hi Kristin Michele,

I am sorry to hear that this condition has become very overwhelming for you. It seems like you do still enjoy your career. But I wonder if there are changes you can make to it. Are you the primary vet with no other vets or do you have other vets working with you? Is it possible to cut down on your hours? These may not be options for you. Years ago I had to change my field. I was in sales but being on the computer became extremely painful and I could not do full time because I would have to be on my feet Leaving that field was hard because I had just been promoted to manager and received bonuses. When I changed my field to education/ child care my husband was very disappointed (income) and allowed it to be a source of contention until finally we divorced. I felt as if money was more important to him than the pain I experienced it was not a relationship I wanted to be in. I do understand how it feels to lose a boyfriend/husband because of the fibro. I enjoyed my new field and became a preschool teacher. The position allowed me to sit down as I needed to and I found a boss that was sympathetic to my limitations. It took me a few years before I was able to work full time. I met someone new. I was managing my fibro pretty well and saw no point in telling my new boyfriend. We were happy for a good two years before we had our son. The rest is a long story. It can be hard to change gears midway and try to figure out what you can live with. I draw and paint but I had to give up oil painting because it caused pain in my thumbs. I also enjoyed gardening for a number of years but my bad back has put that on a back burner. It may take a little problem solving but I intend on getting back to my gardening some day.

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Hi Kristin,

I'm a medical professional who has had severe fibromyalgia for 16 years and migraines for over 30 years. Your story and situation is very similar to mine. I sent you a friend request but not sure I did it correctly as I am brand new to this site. I think we could be good support for each other. I understand going to school for over 12 years (undergrad, professional school, internship, residency, fellowship and perhaps M.A. or PHD as well), having huge educational debts, and being locked in to a specialty that you have trained for a decade or more, got your certification and boards, professional training and contacts. We cannot just switch areas without years more more training and certification. Please message me back. -Starr

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Granted, I decided to see a mental health therapist (2Xweek) & change my thought pattern 10 yrs before I found a book from Louise L Hay called You Can Heal Your Life, this book became my salvation!!! I copied the quotes & sayings & slapped them all over my house. The wall behind my TV set, the wall I faced to poop, the bathroom mirror, my closet door, the walls I faced when I cooked or ate at the kitchen table, my front door & back door. A bonus to this was my children got to see them too, so I was changing their thought processes as well. I hate being grumpy!!! & I usually start saying outloud to myself, I am Happy, Cheerful, Chirpy, I am Loveable, Loving & Loved, over & over & over. I don't care if anyone hears me mostly because, maybe they needed to hear it too!!!

& Dr. Phil has written some fantabuloous help yourself workbooks, & do not cheat yourself when he tells you to be brutally honest with yourself on any of the chapters.

I found myself a wonderful mental health therapist who tells me every session before I leave, "You can do it! Yes you can. If you cannot do it, No one can!!!" (of which I also say outloud when needed).

& if there is something that I have to do that is very frightening, I sing "I am woman hear me Roar"

There are Meds out there that help minimize your Migraines, I myself am on 150mg Amatryptaline, with the added bonus of being a sleepy pill for me. & Meds for depression.

You need to take care of you before you can even think of having a significant other.

& there has to be a barstool type of chair that you can get, that you can easily sterilize, so that you can use it to do surgeries. & if there isn't, Necessity is the Mother of Invention.

M

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Hello Kristin,

There is some great advice on here already, as a result of your discussion. I think you have certainly touched a nerve for a lot of people. That is good - we all need to get it out there. Also nobody will be judged, and we all understand.

Just like to add afew thoughts of my own. You need a doctor you can trust, who is interested in Fibro and who is willing to explore different options to help you. My Doc will only prescribe Amitriptylene for me as he says other meds have bad side effects. P'raps you could find CBT would help you.(cognitive behavioural therapy). Also something I intend to explore further, meditation and healing music, have my cd and cd player ready to go! I know others try alternative meds, don't know too much about that myself. Finally, I can't imagine anyone deserves this condition, so please, jmhaaag, don't think that. None of us is perfect, and if we make mistakes, at least we can learn from them.

I have had to give up my full time teaching job, now only work part-time -can't even manage that sometimes! So adjustments may have to be made. Good luck and hope some of this might help.

Take care, Anne

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Hey Kristin,

I really do understand where you are coming from. I am on my feet all day where I work, and it is a pretty physically as well as emotionally demanding job. All I can do when I get home from work is collapse into bed, sometimes I don't even bother eating dinner because I am nauseous from the pain and because it simply feels like too much effort. It is so nice to have a career or job that you love, but it is very hard when said job does not love you back. I have several guys who want to do date nights and I feel like such a loser when I have to tell them not tonight I have a migraine or no my whole body feels like it has been run over by a truck. They really don't understand and then their frustration and accusations against me that I just don't want to meet and have a good time is really hurtful. I want a better life, I want to have a normal one and say sure lets meet for drinks after work. But its all I can do to finish my hours and then stay awake and not writhe in pain on my one hour commute back home.

Please know that you are not alone in your struggles, and if you ever want to vent or just talk you can always private message me and I would be happy to lend a listening ear.

Hope and pray things turn around for you quickly!

Blessings and prayers!

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I just wanted to say I feel for you. I too work in surgery (on humans) lol and know how taxing it can be on your body. I’ve had to cut down to part time because it was too much and wearing me down. Mine also started after a relapse of Epstein-Barr. You are in good company here and when the right person comes along they will make an effort to make time with you in a way your good or bad days allow. Don’t settle or over do it for a relationship. The right partner will come along and support and find creative ways to be with you if they really want to make it work.

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Hey Kristin,

I am so sorry to hear about your struggles, but I can definitely assure you that you are not alone in your pain. I have suffered from severe fibromyalgia since I was a very young teen, that made me feel so isolated because my friends were so active and constantly outgoing, and I used to be those things but couldn't be due to my horrible fibro fatigue, pain, etc. I felt lost and hopeless and to be honest some days I still feel that way. There is hope though, we are all placed on this earth for a reason and your life is beyond precious, no one can ever take your place and there will never be anyone unique and special in they're own way like you. Well I definitely hear that you are struggling, and every day truly is a battle, take heart and realize that there are so many around you who know exactly what your going through.

My family doesn't understand my fibro either, my brother once even told me that he felt my inability to participate in even the most menial tasks was my "blanket excuse". That really hurt, but it reaffirmed to me that they truly don't understand, and because they don't suffer from this disease I imagine it is hard for them to wrap their minds around it.

I also lost several possible relationships because I didn't meet they're expectations, but you know what we are all doing the best we can to stay afloat. I think somewhere out there, there will be someone who has an empathetic heart and will see the beautiful heart you have, and all that you have to offer. The fibro is definitely difficult but if someone can see beyond that and realize we are not this disease, I think that would be a wonderful person to have in your life.

I am glad you found this forum and posted your story, one thing I have learned about fibromyalgia is that it is vital to have support from other fibro fighters, otherwise we feel completely isolated and alone. Please feel free to post anything you feel, or if you want someone to talk with one on one I am always here for you also!

Blessings and prayers