Any body have good read for finding balance in life? Is there really an good ways say No? Or do you just say No. Has anyone found good ways to explain to people about what you can and can not do?
Hi Rashelle,
I have found that time and experience have given me the strength to say no. I never use to say no to going out or going to family activities, but I realized how much my body suffered and my symptoms increased when I pushed myself too hard. I don't feel bad about saying no now because I know it is what my body needs and when it needs rest, I rest. I've gotten to the point where I don't care if people are upset or don't understand (truly) what I'm going through, because I understand it and I know how it affects me if I push myself too hard. Have you tried giving one of the articles on here about chronic pain and fatigue to a loved one or friend? Often times, if they read something that is more concrete, it helps them understand what we go through and be more sympathetic. You are your best advocate and only you know what you can and cannot handle.
Hugs,
Sara
Hi at first I never wanted to say no. Determined that I could do any and everything I once could. But that only landed me in the bed spending sometimes a week to recover. I have learned I owe no one any explanation. Those that know me well have learned why and what no means, and never question often when I say no to those people their reply is ‘do you need anything’. Ease up on the guilt and your desire to please others, you’ll be the one suffering later
My ex-girlfriend, a CNA who works with Dementia & Alzheimer patients never did get it. After four years together, I moved out and won’t speak to her again. She never got the exhaustion from taking a shower. I cancelled plans one night after taking a shower and she berated me while going herself. There was freezing rain and accidents happening everywhere. She didn’t drive, so the bus took her to a bar I found out later didn’t serve food. And I don’t drink alcohol! She has herself a new boyfriend who I know is treating her like a “Queen,” because I read both their Facebook pages and they love each other. And I am 100% alone in an apartment. At least no more verbal abuse!
I have such a hard time saying no. Don’t want to disappoint my daughters or husband. At times I have no choice but to say no and that’s hard for me. I am working on it.
I just decided that I only have so much energy per day. It does no good to try to describe your condition. People just don't get it. If anyone asks me to do something and I can't, I just decline. Not a really good answer, but that is what I did. For example, I did my grocery shopping this morning and this evening I am going to a church for a dinner. In the meantime, I am resting on the couch with no activities scheduled. It works for me.
The person I find the hardest to say no to is me. No, you can' t do that today or No! its too heavy to lift, or No! that's too far to walk. I am very aware of my limits but yet I seem to push these limits every time. If I tell myself No! first I can focus on everyone else.
I just tell people I have Fibromyalgia, and sometimes go on to tell them about my fatigue. Most people sort of understand--there seems to be a lot of people in this community with fibro or know other people with fibro. I have had fibro for 25+ years, no has become second nature. Unfortunately, no is also isolating and lonely....
Kimberly
Oh Jeff, you are looking at it wrong & you are torturing yourself. Block "Ms. Wonderful" & "Mr Wonderful" on FB. Tell yourself you found out what a Jerk YOU have ESCAPED from!!! & you are NOT alone!!! We are here!!! Always!!! There are Bunches of us on here!!! I come on here everyday, Rant away, Blog, Ask us a question, There is a Mens' club I believe. M
Jeff Ostach said:
My ex-girlfriend, a CNA who works with Dementia & Alzheimer patients never did get it. After four years together, I moved out and won't speak to her again. She never got the exhaustion from taking a shower. I cancelled plans one night after taking a shower and she berated me while going herself. There was freezing rain and accidents happening everywhere. She didn't drive, so the bus took her to a bar I found out later didn't serve food. And I don't drink alcohol! She has herself a new boyfriend who I know is treating her like a "Queen," because I read both their Facebook pages and they love each other. And I am 100% alone in an apartment. At least no more verbal abuse!
I use the spoon theory. It’s on a lupus site, but applies to any illness that causes pain and fatigue. Do a search for spoon theory. It helped my adult children to understand why I have to say no or have to back out on our plans sometimes.
In a calm & monotone voice "No I am unable to do that", you need not to give a reason.
Remember when you asked your Mom too many why's & she said, "Because I said so!!" or "If it makes My life easier, who are You to pooh-pooh on my decisions?". M
Hi Rashelle,
I think it's more about not feeling bad when you must saying no.
There is a great book called 'the mindful path to self-compassion. We are way too hard on ourselves. Also, "full catastrophe living" is another great one, on DVD too.
I think it is something that you ned to practice. Start with small things around the house, let’s say empty the dishwasher…if you have kids, mom doesn’t feel good today, would you please empty the dishwasher. Or no kids, spouce. Then if working try a small task there depending on your work situation, maybe there is a project that needs to be done in the office and they come to you. Say something like , I would really like to take that on it sounds very interesting, but I can’t do that now. If you are open about your FM say why but you don’t need to. Then start with fiends and family…going to a family party for a child’s birthday, one of two here…you don’t go or family doesn’t go. But really no reason that family should stay home and could be better for you in the long run. I know this is long, it is a learning process and I will say it has taken me awhile, but I am happier now.
HELLO
No is such a little word . But when used can cause bad feelings between people. Much as I dislike using . I find people who understand do not get upset by it. But they do inquire why and need an explanation. Which is fine with me. I just hate that it sometimes is necessary to use the word.
SLM
Jeff Ostach said:
My ex-girlfriend, a CNA who works with Dementia & Alzheimer patients never did get it. After four years together, I moved out and won't speak to her again. She never got the exhaustion from taking a shower. I cancelled plans one night after taking a shower and she berated me while going herself. There was freezing rain and accidents happening everywhere. She didn't drive, so the bus took her to a bar I found out later didn't serve food. And I don't drink alcohol! She has herself a new boyfriend who I know is treating her like a "Queen," because I read both their Facebook pages and they love each other. And I am 100% alone in an apartment. At least no more verbal abuse!
Saying NO, is just not something that I’ll people need to learn how to say. It is a word thAt we all Ned to learn to use and need to learn to accept without an explanation. We all need boundaries whether we are sick or just to keep a healthy relationship. I work on this often, must of us were raised to not say NO if they don’t follow it up with an explanation. Your boss doesn’t need to know why you cannot work late today or any other day. You should never feel like you need to explain…to any one. If you are in a healthy relationship they will understand.
Jeff, you need to block them on Facebook and do your best to forget she ever existed. Someone that doesn't even try to understand and be kind is as toxic to you as eating rat poison.
I was married one month before I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia (2nd marriage that I swore would never happen lol).......the first 3 years we were together started off with going on nature walks, going to the zoo, going to botanical gardens, sharing our loved activity of lawn and garden work and home improvement on both of our houses......slowly my energy decreased, pain increased.....you know the story. Doctors said it was stress (I work in a highly emotionally and physically demanding field) so I went through a huge career change and opened my own private practice that I could control the hours....symptoms increased. I went into panic because I didn't want my husband to feel like he just married a huge burden........and pushed myself to work long hours and keep up with family activities etc..... and have now landed myself in a financial and business situation that the fibro fog is putting me at risk of malpractice, the flares of pain and fatigue are causing me to lose patients. Last week while I was in bed for 3 days unable to even get up and take a shower my husband came home in the middle of his work day and give me a hug, hold me and tell me that we need to get me out of my business lease so that I can stay home and we can focus on finding better treatment and getting me well enough that I can have a life that is not miserable. THAT IS WHAT YOU DESERVE FROM A PARTNER IN LIFE, I will honestly admit I never expected it and am still in a dreamy state that anyone could care about me enough to do this. We have debt and I need to have an income. His response is, your health is more important, we'll figure it out. Focus on balancing your life and figuring out what you can do to increase your fight for health. When someone you meet sees you living like that and wants to be a part of it and be loving, supportive, and encouraging......that is a start to something that could turn into a long term relationship. I have been in 30 years of unhealthy relationships with 6 years of choosing to just be single and focus on learning about myself and what I really needed to be happy. I actually planned to stay single after a 17 year marriage that destroyed my self-worth. But just as I decided I liked being single and doing my own thing......this super nice guy showed up :) Don't get me wrong, we've had our rocky times..........but I am 50 and in a happy healthy relationship for the first time in my life. He works long hours, is raising his young son, deals with anxiety and depression...........and still makes sure I am taken care of every single day as well as makes sure I know he loves me. Don't give up.........just focus on getting yourself mentally, emotionally, and physically healthy and then the right person will be drawn to you
Absolutely! Great advice on here. I hate saying no, especially if it involves my grandchildren. My family are slowly learning that I need to sometimes, and I need to be given a little bit of notice so I can pace/prepare myself. I think there have been a few suggestions on here for articles you could show your family - I did, and it has helped them understand better. They are a person living with chronic pain, and 'the spoon theory', there are probably others.
I think this is a long journey that we are undertaking, it changes from time to time, sometimes from day to day. There are people on here who have been on it for a long time, they have lots of good advice, and we are all here to support each other.
Take care, Anne
Lots of good advice. My mother-in-law taught me to say no by accessing my inner 2-year old child. Say "No, I don't want to". Why is none of their business. Of course with family, a better answer may be, "No, I need advance notice to plan. Would next Sunday work for you?". Unless you don't want to, then back to your inner child.
We may hate to admit it but we are handicapped. We can still live a full life, just at a slower pace. Noise and lights wear us out almost as much as demands for interaction.
One more: don't be afraid to voice your needs. We have a friend that must eat dinner by 5:30pm if her stomach will settle enough to sleep. One is used to going to bed by 9pm and I'm lucky to get to sleep by 1am. Friends know I will sleep to 8 or 9am while they are already up and off for a walk. It's okay to state your needs. You don't need elaborate reasons. True friends and loved ones will adjust gladly.
I literally make up excuses--some friends accept, others don't so I just don't care anymore---I have to survive and take care of myself........pick and choose what I do and have changed my life. My boyfriend of 12 years is very understanding and loves to play tennis and isn't a planner either.........in fact I think he is glad I don't plan...........It is hard and I am 57 but after many years of guilt and beating myself up...............it was time to be grateful and happy. Read or look up www.thesecret.com.
it has lots of motivational material on it.