Stress comes in all sizes. I'll take an extra-small, if I have too!

Support
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I survived the possible end of my career on 5/24. It was an emotional week prior, coworkers saying get well soon, what will we do without you? and get some rest so we’ll see you soon. All this while trying to finish up big projects and training someone to do the basics. I think everyone finally realized how much I really did, so much that my co-worker in the front office decided to retire last week!

Then I get the call that my 83 year old mom and her husband (will never or never has been that fatherly figure) have sold their trailer in Arizona and are moving up. They left in 1985 and he controlled her life. When she could visit in the summer , where my sister and I paid her way, he decided when it was convenient for him. I even called Adult protective services a few years because we were concerned. Needless to say, the dummy loaded up a CAMPING trailer with their crap and didn’t get 40 miles from Mesa before it broke off the hitch and went down an embankment. Thankfully, mom never even knew what happened. Flew mom up and it took 7 days for him to get here. I can really appreciate anyone who has to care for someone with Alzheimer’s. Mom has a feeding tube and must be fed 3 times a day. She really should be in a nursing home, but my sister spent her days off looking for an apartment they could afford. She found a beautiful one that we had to fully furnish, as we assumed everything was destroyed. Reality was the stuff they had was so bad just moving it out of the trailer destroyed it.

After all the work we did, the ungrateful selfish man says " this isn’t as big an apartment as I would have liked" and my sister told him - this us all you can afford. While we were making up the beds he said he wasn’t keen on the brand new comforters I purchased! By that time I was in such pain and could hardly walk the hall - I told him how ungrateful he was and that he should learn some manners and appreciate things that people GIVE you!

I need some help containing my feelings toward this man! Just thinking that my mom has lived with him since 1977 makes me sicker.

Still reeling from all this I had to get all 6 pounds of med records together and write a letter on how fibro effects me at work. All on a very foggy day - it literally took me 4 hours and I now realize I didn’t mention anything about the physical demanding aspects of my job!!! Was thinking I could send a letter to get attached, but just don’t have it in me. I just want it done. FedExed it and they should get it today. Turned in my school keys and I’m done!

My daughter and her husband are moving up today from Illinois so I must wait at house for the tv service to come and see if I have the energy to paint their bedroom. I love to paint - going to cover myself in lidoderm patches and take my pillow in case I need a nap. And did I mention we’re expecting a new granddaughter any day now? If she doesn’t come by the 12th she’s coming that day!!

Any suggestions on how to say no to things that I know will cause me more pain? And how to get my mindset into relax mode? Thanks for letting me vent. I apologize to those new members that I want to get to know but just haven’t been coherent lately.

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Hi Sandi,

I wish I knew how to say 'no'! Why does it seem that us FMS patients always have so much more than we can handle? No wonder we have such frequent flares!

Containing your feelings is a sure way to make yourself sick, no matter what the subject. I understand about your Mom's husband -- my Mom has been gone for 20 years, and on a daily basis I still wish evil things upon 'the man who lived in her house' !! (I refuse to call him anything more than this!)

Besides the physical tasks you have, these emotional things are worse, in my opinion. It takes me a day or two to get over physical exertion, but the emotional ones knock me down for a long time. I'm glad that some of these things are positive for you..... Congrats on the new baby !!!!

When asked to do something, I have learned to preface things with with something like 'I would love to, but it depends on my health, so please don't be disappointed if I can't....' --- just something that gives them a heads-up. Then when I do back out, I don't feel as guilty because I have given them that warning.

You already do so much Sandi, and I'm sure they realize that. You have to take care of yourself first, otherwise you won't be able to help out at all !!!

Big hugs-
Renie♥

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Venting is good for the soul. I haven't figured out how to say no yet either. Hope the baby and mother are happy and healthy.

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I'm not here and sorry to hear you are having such a hard time but I read something on another site that said us fibro people all seem to have the same personality issue about doing for everyone else but ourselves and we can't say no to doing for other people. It wasn't said negatively but it made me think because you said the same thing. Is that part of our problem? I know I am a caretaker. I do for my family all the time and never focus on me. I've always been like that. Even now, I feel so bad telling my kids no.

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Join the club. Maybe there is something to be said about that!
Michael

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Dearest Sandi,

Sounds like you are getting better at speaking your mind. During the two years that I spent talking to a Psychologist who helped me transition from healthy over-doer to my present state, she suggested that I speak my mind early on so that I could do it in a civilized manner rather than hold it in and then explode. Takes practice, but it sounds like you are getting better at it!

What a shame that your Mother has placed herself in such a joyless position, and that you and your family are left to deal with this person! Sounds like your work there should be done!

Make sure to save some energy for your daughter and new grandbaby! That is where it will be best served! Congrats, that little girl is very lucky to have such a fabulous grandmother! Hug her for me!

Be good to yourself, girlfriend!

Love and hugs,

SK

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Relaxing doesn’t seem to be a hallmark of people with Fibromyalgia, but hopefully your daughter,husband, and new baby will brighten your life considerably! Hopefully you will all help each other!
Hugs to you, your daughter and your soon to arrive grandchild, Michael

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This seems to be the way it goes. We trade one kind of busy in for another kind of busy. That's why I don't mind taking it real easy when I have a day or even a couple of weeks of calm. Sandi, you are one busy lady! It will be a good thing for you to set some healthy boundaries with you Mom and that man she is married to. It may be hard for you to do with your Mom, but I'm sure you will find that important balance.

We fibro people tend to be the ones who soldier on through and take care of things ourselves. We push ourselves until we drop and cannot, literally cannot do another thing. Just be careful. I really think that we can push ourselves into a higher, more severe level of this stuff that we can't recover back from. I wonder if I did that to myself while caring for my beloved parents?? If it were not for our psychologist who helped my husband and I through that time and this really hard stuff called life, I think I may have qualified as an official basket case along with developing this full blown fibro.

On the other hand you will also enjoy having your Mom closer so you know she's ok. You can enlist help if she needs it. And what a dream to have your new grand baby and daughter so near. So, good things are here for you now too! Hurray! Things that can bring contentment and blessed joy!

It will all be ok, Sandi. Can you sit back for a couple of days? Just you and your husband? Maybe take a short trip somewhere to relax, a weekend? It seems like you have gone from the frying pan into the fire. Take time to reflect and process the fact that - 1) you are no longer working {some grief involved there?} and - 2) decide what level of busy is acceptable, healthwise. It may be a really good thing for you right now. You may not be able to adhere to it, but at least recognize it.

Sending lots of hugs and support,

LKitty

I apologize to the new people too. Hugs to everyone. I have also had an incoherently rough few weeks.

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I am so sorry about the situation with your nasty stepfather--as if you don't have enough to deal with! I had a nasty father-in-law, now long passed away and I am slightly ashamed to say not mourned at all by me!

How to say no--wow, that is hard, but it can be done. I suggest not offering an explanation or apologizing for saying no. Just say: "No, that is not something I can (or am willing or I am capable of) do(ing)." If they do ask why, I just say because I have to take care of me. I know that seems harsh, but that is the only way to get some people to listen. Hey, they don't know what we are going through! They will never understand. Just say no and stick to your guns.

I had a thriving email newsletter business for some small local businesses. The stress of getting the newsletters out was killing me (or, at least, I felt like death warmed over). I had to fire all of my clients, and the only explanation I gave was the stress was too much. They were *not* happy, but when my cut-off date came, I stopped working for them ( I gave them a month to find a replacement). No regrets except I am a bit broker than I was.

Hang in there, girlfriend, you will be ok. Not as soon as you might like, but you will be, and you are loved, too!!

Gentle loving hugs,

Kimberly :)

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Thanks all for the pep talks! It does seem like those of us with fibro are overachievers and love making people happy. We are just so nice by nature - haha! Well I survived painting the huge, 12 ft high ceiling master bedroom. Took me 9 hours yesterday and had one wall to finish today. Wasn’t sure I was going to make it - could hardly walk and used muscles I haven’t used EVER! I’m sure that’s not true but definitely sore. My left butt cheek feels like its bruised from sitting on the floor and I have ladder bruises up my chins and on my calves. Guess I was hugging the ladder pretty good!

My daughter in law and granddaughter stopped by while we were putting together barstools, and that sure brightened my day. Seeing her face when she saw me was priceless! Can’t wait to hold her little sister soon. Having my family around helps so much. Can’t wait to go back to having Sunday dinners again!

Haven’t heard from my mom all weekend, not that she could use a phone. I left two voicemails and have heard nothing. Oh well - I’m sure I’ll hear something when he wants something. Like always.

Thanks for getting me through another hurdle - I want the days back when I couldn’t tell you what stress was!!!

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Sounds like just what the Doctor ordered!! (Yeah right-the doctor doesn’t know anything).
Good for you-Enjoy every minute!
Michael

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Wow Sandi I don't know where to begin. When it rains it seems to pour stressful situations. I am so sorry that you are having do deal with such a difficult situation with your Mom. I am blessed to have a Mom (87) who gets around better some days than I do. I am glad your sister has been helpful. My brother is pretty useless when it comes to helping with my Mom.

I am so impressed that you painted that whole room! You must have been Superwoman that day. I couldn't paint a wall let alone a whole room. You are one strong lady, you are an inspiration to me when I have a bad day. I just think about you and all my other friends and never feel alone. I know it must have been hard to leave your job. I love mine and wish I could make it another few years but have been feeling lately that it is time to go. Hoping to make it till December.

Congrats on the new Grandbaby coming. Such a blessing to be welcoming a new baby to the family.

Warm hugs, Sandi and hope things are going better.

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Hi Sandi,

First off, congratulations on the upcoming new granddaughter! And on your daughter's move back to your area. Those are two wonderful gifts to be thankful for. And cherished. Just think, a new life to welcome! A sweet and innocent little child to see, along with your daughter and son-in-law. Nice!

And your mother's return is a third. Too bad that she comes with such baggage as her husband clearly is. I've never understood why women like super controlling men. But I'm a bit confused. If she has Alzheimer's and needs a feeding tube, how in the heck was she in any shape to travel in a camper? It must have been one heck of a trip, even prior to the trailer part going down the embankment. But at least she arrived safe and sound.

As for her husband, best to jog out of the room the moment you're tempted to really let him have it, because it sounds like he's made you suffer for it in the past by restricting access to your mom, and you wouldn't want a repeat of that at this late date in your mom's life. And if she has Alzheimer's, he could easily keep her from you.

Learning to say "no" to others besides him (see above) really isn't as bad as it seems. Renie has given you some wonderful suggestions to start getting people to thinking about you and your ability to do something or not. And you have two of the best reasons in the world to keep your life as stress free and healthy as you can - your daughter and granddaughter. If you wear yourself out doing this and doing that, you may not have the ability to hold your granddaughter, or play with her, or take her to the park. It only takes us a minute to possibly do something irrevocable to our health. If you can't say no for yourself, try to do it for your granddaughter's sake.

Getting into relax mode - plan little projects you can manage so you can stay busy, since I know you too well to think that you'll well and truly relax! You mention that you enjoy painting - how about repainting small pieces of furniture? Or find some light do-it-yourself tasks that you can do. Gardening's a good one, if you can still bend down, as weeding always needs to be done.

For relaxing - a nice hot bath with epsom salts. Or a small but scenic ride. Breakfast or lunch at an outdoor cafe. Catch a movie at the theater.

I know you were loathe to stop working, even if only temporarily, but I think your body has been asking you for this for a long time, Sandi. I know we spoke of it many months ago. I honestly don't know how you lasted as long as you did at your job, but I hope you now turn your attention towards taking care of yourself, instead of others.

Please take care of yourself. Enjoy life. Smell the roses. Play with your granddaughter. Be well.

Fondly,

Petunia

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Hey Sandi,

Baby steps, girlfriend! Remember, you stopped working for a reason, and I think some of those reasons were that you were overloaded and stressed out!

Like Renie, emotional stuff really knocks me for a loop, I can feel a total flip up on the way with these carpenters that still have my house torn up, but weather is right up there, and it has just been one storm after the other, with more on the way!

Take it easy, be good to yourself!

Big hugs,

SK