Set back and bleeding wrist :-(

I feel dreadful. I was told that at my recent medical I was given points and the assessor deemed that I should not work and then someone who has never met me has cancelled all of that as a paperwork exercise. I got very depressed and ended up cutting myself again (not too badly).

I have been to see my GP and she has referred me for counselling and has told me that she is considering a referral to psychiatry for help from them as well because of the black out periods when I cut myself. I have now been on 5 different antidepressants to no effect and it is now classed as "severe medication resistant depression with psychotic incidents lasting for more than 5 years". I feel so ashamed of myself and do not know what to do anymore. I have considered ending it all but will not do that because I couldn't leave people behind.

Does anyone else on here have problems with depression to the extent it is effecting every part of their lives?



I don't have those kind of problems, but please follow through with the counselling and the referral to the psychiatrist. You need to have a professional help you with this. You have to believe that your life can improve, because it can.

My thoughts are with you,


I will go through with it... I promise xx

Mike, I struggled with depression many years ago and nothing seemed to work for a while. I then got to a good, caring doc who I feel saved my life. Never had blackouts like you describe but was suicidal on a couple of occasions and took pills. The right meds and the right therapist helped me tremendously until I was off all meds except one. Now that I am sick, I struggle with feelings of despair and sadness and anxiety but it is more situational and also my psychiatrist added Zoloft to my meds, which is supposed to help with FM. I also go to counseling one day a week and it helps me to deal with the incredibly overwhelming feelings of being a nonproductive and insignificant member of the human race.

If you don’t like your psychiatrist, find another one and keep trying until you find one you like, you feel comfortable with and who listens to you and let’s you be a part of the decisions regarding your care.

Please follow through. I know from personal experience that one of the worst things in this world that you can experience is when someone you care about hurts or kills themselves.

Remember, too, that God has a purpose for us all. We may not ever know what that purpose is but He is working through us every day. You can overcome this!

Hey Mike,

Like you, I too was a self-harmer. I had been on just about every antidepressant in the book; zoloft, wellbutrin, prozac, lexapro, effexor, etc. I would take them for a while, they would take the edge off then I would build a tolerance to them. Finally, I was put on Cymbalta and now I've been on it for 5 years and it's still working. I haven't self-harmed in over 3 years. Another antidepressant that seems to work for a lot of my clients (I am a mental health instructor) is Abilify.

Counseling can be beneficial as long as you want the help. There's always the stigma that goes along with seeing someone for your problems. Remember, you're not weak. Everyone needs help sometimes but not everyone is strong enough to ask for it.

If you ever need to talk more in-depth, you can always send me a message. I'm always willing to listen and give my advice if you want it.



My dear Mike,

So sorry that things have put you in a bad place. I am sorry that I did not see this sooner, hopefully a good Counselor/Doctor that you feel comfortable with will help you go through your life and come to better terms with things. Besides talking things out with you, hopefully their skill with meds will give you some lasting relief.

The physical illness and pain surely takes a toll. If not for my grandkids, my depression would most likely be more severe, I have to push it back for them, I want their experience with me to be positive and happy even though they know that I am limited and hurt physically, but I try to keep that light too, because they are little and need their lives to be happy and secure.

Hopefully your medical system will get you an appointment promptly, but that is only a hope. You will have to do all you can possibly do to stay strong, and feel positive they can help you, until then.

Sending my love,


No no no, please don't do that, Mike! Yes, you WILL hurt others who you leave behind; those who love you and care for you. No suicide ever "ends" the pain, it just redistributes it to the survivors.

Please realize this pain is NOT your fault. Long-term depression is biologically based. Some area of your brain is not firing in the same way as that in non-depressed people. NOT your fault. Just a quirk in the electrical system.

Mike, you have us to talk to. You also have your poetry. I can TOTALLY relate to your pain, have suffered with depression for most of my life but have been fortunate enough to FINALLY (after almost 50 years) find an anti-depressant that works. Please come and talk to us or me personally whenever you need to talk. There are also therapists. And what about different types of medical treatment? Some people get shock treatment and say it helps. My point is that there are ALWAYS options.

Have you included your depression in your request for disability? If not, you MUST. In depth. Post traumatic stress disorder? Include it. Other issues with mental health? Include them. ALL of it. Don't let those peckerheads win, Mike. You CAN get this darned disability! Be persistent and MAKE them give you the darned money!

PS: Please write and let us know that you are OK and have not harmed yourself.

Gentle hugs and with much regard to you,


Hi Mike,

Nice talking to ya this morning. Hope you are still doing good. You are in my prayers.

Take care,


Gentle hugs to you too, Sunny! No one deserves PTSD. I hope you find help to improve that end of your situation.

Hey Mike,

Still waiting to hear back from you. We're all worried about you as we care about you. You're a great guy. Please let us know that you're okay!!!

Hey Mike,

I am also classified as "Treatment Resistant Major Depressive" with Major Anxiety Disorders, and ADHD. I've been trying to find that "magic pill" for 20 years now, and I've been on just about everything out there with no real results. The doctor finally decided that my ADHD is the main cause of the depression and anxiety, so he is treating that as the primary diagnosis. It's definitely a step in the right direction for the first time in my life, and the meds definitely help, but they only work for about 3 hours. So, I'm still searching.

As for affecting my life? I really don't leave my house unless it's a doctor's appointment anymore, my husband has to do all the grocery shopping, errands---and then when he gets home from work, he does dishes, laundry, cleaning, etc. It's totally taken over my life, and I feel extremely guilty that he has to do these things for me. I feel like I only live inside my head, and sometimes I am oblivious to the world around me. Time passes and I don't even realize it on some days. Add in Fibro pain and fog, and I feel totally disabled. But I keep hoping that the next pill is going to be the winner, that I'll snap out of it, or there will be some new treatment to help.

It's absolutely nothing to be ashamed about, because you are not doing anything wrong. You are not to blame for this. Besides Fibro causing depression, most psychiatric issues are mostly chemical imbalances from what my doctors tell me, and the little bit that's not is outside circumstances. So there is no way that you are to blame, and absolutely no reason to be ashamed. It's not your fault!

Just keep up with counseling and a psychiatrist...that's the best way to keep things under control. Another thing that has helped me tremendously, is online support groups. I think they are better than a weekly or monthly meeting, because we talk every day, off and on all day -- so you don't have to wait until the group meeting to vent something or ask questions. Plus, it's all people that have gone through these things, and understand, so you're not just relying on someone who's only read about it in a textbook. Just a thought !

Wishing you happy thoughts and big hugs,

Dear Mike,

We are all very concerned, you are not responding here or to your home e-mail, so there is no way to reach you other than send you a card, which would take too long to get there! I hope the reason we are not hearing from you is that you are resting, or at a Dr appointment.

Much love and concern from so many is coming your way, please don't give up! Stay focused and strong, you are finally being headed in the right direction.

Love and hugs,


Hey there,

I am sorry. I needed to take some time out so I have been at a friends house and been baking and stuff to keep my mind off of things. I have not harmed myself any more. You are right, all of you and I promise that I will get help with this. I will see a counsellor or psychologist or whoever else the GP wants me to see. Sorry for making you all worry - Just another thing that I should be punished for although I know that none of you will ever say that I should be punished.


Again Mike, you did nothing wrong. Don't apologize to us, and the last thing you need is to be punished. I just had an idea, I don't know how medicine works there as far as referring you to someone, but if you can find either a therapist or a psychiatrist that deals specifically with chronic pain/illnesses, that would be really great for anyone in our situations. The problem with here, they are very few and far between, that I can't even find one around New York City. Maybe you'll have better luck there.

Good Luck, and for OUR sanity, drop us a note every day, just saying how your day is going?
Thanks XX

I will have a look and see who I can find.

A lot of my problems stem from when I was younger I think. When you are constantly told that you are worthless and things like that you end up just believing them. I was told several times how much I had cost to bring up and was told by my mother when I was young that I need to start working as soon as possible to pay her back.

I am so used to being punished for everything that I have done that I sometimes do not know whether I need to be punished or not if that makes sense? xx

I will try my hardest not to punish myself. I think that I need to be sometimes but other times I see that I do not need to be xx


Well, that might explain why you harm yourself. Parents are "blessed" with children and it is a privilege for parents to have an opportunity to raise them. No child owes anything to their parents for doing that. A thank you and love, that's it. If you earn any money, it should be yours to keep and do what you want with it.

Don't punish yourself Mike. Your worth just as much as everyone else on this planet. Sounds like you've been conditioned to think that you are not worthy, but that's all rubbish. Guilt trips used to control children are cruel and unfair and cause alot of emotional damage. Be kind to yourself and don't let anyone use these tactics to control you or make you feel indebted to them.

Find someone, a professional, that can be in your corner and help you to deal with these past issues. You have the rest of your life to live and you want to be happy. When they find a cure for fibro, you won't want all these other issues bummin you out. :")

Good thoughts your way,


Hey Mike, you did a very positive thing - visiting a friend and doing some baking. Did you make anything good? I'm glad you're okay and did something positive for yourself.

Oh heck no, don't punish yourself for "making us worry." We only worry because we care. That's not something to punish yourself over. Maybe someday you can talk to someone who can reassure you about your place in the world and how you deserve to be here, no matter what, no strings attached. I know that's a tough one to wrap your mind over when you're hurting but it's absolutely true and when you finally realize it, life will get a lot easier for you. I will send prayers to my "creator" that you find that truth soon.

May I interject that I completely agree. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder keeps you replaying negative messages and images over and over again, ad nauseum, at the worst times. It should be called Pain in the Ass Syndrome. But...if you work on it, it does recede. You actually can get those messages to go away entirely or else be so low level that you usually don't notice them. Good news, indeed!

Mike, I had a very similar background, plus some other stuff, and suffered as much as you with it. Like you, I took on all of the guilt for my parents' pained lives. It wasn't until I was older that I realized that their pain didn't stem from me but from their own problems (alcoholism and enabling.) Those horrible messages they gave to me? Turned out to be stuff that they felt about themselves and their own inadequacies. Once you can clearly see that, it does get easier. Also, the right anti-depressants helped a lot. And it's taken a long time to find that.

Don't give up, Mike. You have a wonderful soul. Give yourself the kindness that you give to others. Life can be a horrible pain in the ass but it also can be very beautiful. Just be open to both sides. Promise, it does get better.