I think I am about to win the award for worst daughter of the year award . . .
My mom just messaged me - I haven’t hardly even gotten the time of day from her since July and now this - I can’t talk to anyone in the family yet since she has told no one else and doesn’t want them to know yet, but I have to talk to someone! -
Guess she has breast cancer, has suspected it since November, goes for a biopsy next week, likely surgery within a couple more weeks, possibly radiation/chemo after that. She won’t know for sure any of it till after the biopsy and they know what kind she has. She wasn’t planning on even telling me till after everything was “done”, but well they won’t let her go home alone after the surgery - she will have to have someone there for a few days anyway. She wants me to come stay with her.
And I would be glad to . . . if it was anyone else but my mother. I would have to board at least Tina and most likely Kori too, would need to get someone to care for the critters here at home . . . Nathanial might be able to stay here while I was gone and take care of most things, including Tina, but with his job he wouldn’t be able to care for Kori, so would still need to board her. Anyone else and I wouldn’t even hesitate - of course, when do you need me there? How else can I help? . . .
And my daughter heart wants to do that here, but I don’t think I can . . . how awful is that? This is my mother! But I just don’t think I can handle it right now, especially since things are so fragile with my depression/anxiety as is without my meds - add my mother into that mix and I am likely to go under completely.
I’m sorry all about this post - I really should NOT get on here in the middle of anxiety/panic attack! I probably should delete it, but I don’t know how - if someone knows how to delete it, could you let me know how?
No worry! Sometimes we just have to vent / listen to a vent, send good thoughts & prayers…
If you really prefer to do that: To delete posts you can click on the 3 horizontal dots under each post, to the left of the “Reply”-arrow. Under your own posts the left-most possibility is then a trash-can… (This is then left for 24h or so, in which time you can re-activate it, if you did it by mistake, like I apparently did the other day.)
S.K, I get where you’re coming from, and the whole guilt, mom thing. So now she’s upset with you and has cut you off? I can’t stress enough the importance of taking care of yourself first. This is not selfish. Your Fibro, depression and anxiety could really escalate if you stay with her. I would say more but my Fibro is bad today. You deserve to be treated with dignity and respect from everyone.
Yea, she got mad cause I wouldn’t immediately and unconditionally agree to go stay with her after the surgery. No consideration for if I could handle the added workload - there would be no nursing or anything with wound care type stuff, but basically waiting on her needs - getting her drinks, meals, fetching things when she wants them, picking up things when she drops them, taking care of her dog, the laundry, dishes and all that. Basically, 24/7 maid service.
I couldn’t talk to my son and daughter - which is who I would get to take care of things here if I did go - because she didn’t want them knowing yet. I’m not committing them to a week or more of caring for things here without talking to them. Most likely they would be available to help, but I don’t know that for sure without talking to them.
And I do love my mom - I will till the day I die, but there is a reason that I live several hours away and seldom talk on the phone with her (we do mostly texts and Facebook messenger). She doesn’t appreciate the boundaries I have set, sees absolutely no need for them and pushes she every chance she gets. And honestly, I don’t think right now that I could maintain my sanity. I have been off my meds for 2 months now (since I couldn’t get them refilled) and since my doctor left at the end of the year I am now hunting for a new doctor. Found out today that it will be at least 2 weeks before I will be able to get into the local clinic, maybe longer. And I know from past experience that it will be roughly 4-6 weeks before I really start to see improvement once I start the Zoloft again, so I am looking at 2 - 2 1/2 months at least - her surgery will be in 2 weeks probably, maybe 3. Which means in all likelihood I won’t even be able to get started on my meds again before she has surgery.
If I’m correct, she will be having a needle biopsy which would not require the need for you today with her for a very long time or not at all. Also, due to COVID, it would not be wise for you to possibly care for her due to the high concern when she’s immunocompromised. . Kori needs you and may be in the “ critical “ stage to start training her. If you go S.K., I’m concerned she will trap you, possibly guilt or manipulate you into staying with her until she’s finished with chemo etc. I have to be careful, this way, about my mom too. This can turn into a multiple weeks/ months stay. From someone who has been verbally, emotionally and psychologically manipulated by my mom in the past, don’t do it unless you are fully mentally and physically prepared for the unknown. I love my mom too. I live hundreds of miles away from her. She is the BEST phone mom in the world. After 36 hours together, in person, she changes into …crazy mom. Be wise my friend.
Oh Freedom! It is SO nice to know I am not the only one who deals with family like this! I’m sorry you are though. With my mom, sadly, the only time we have anything resembling a “normal” relationship is by texting - and as yesterday showed, even that is not guaranteed.
She sent me a short message this evening saying that she is going in tomorrow for the biopsy. Was supposed to be next week, but they had a cancellation I guess. She figured she will have the results towards the end of next week.
I got to thinking too, with Kori . . . due to their work schedules the kids would not be able to take care of her (she would be left most of the day), and since she hasn’t had her puppy shots I am not sure I could even board her (that’s a project for this next week hopefully!). And she would NOT be welcome at my mom’s either (too big, too unruly, not fully potty-trained etc, etc, etc).
And COVID is a major concern for me and just illness in general. I worry that I would take something in to her at a time when she is not physically able to fight it off. And I don’t think I have ever made the trip up to see her and grandma that I don’t come home and get sick within a couple of days - a different area, different germs, stress of the trip and all that.
Same here due to similar issues… - I had to completely separate myself from both parents (22h-trip nec.) when I left home at 18, silence several times for a decade. For the last 10 years mails have been possible without much of a problem, but never phoning. Visits of 1-3h or family meetings were stretching it… The first 5+ years I was only capable of writing mails in a mode of not thinking about who I’m writing to.
One thing that helped me let go was when the elder couple leading a workshop “representing” our parents and asked us for forgiveness, with a long list of reasons, of which most fitted. Lots of tears there.
10 years earlier my dad’d apologized for many things he’d written after going thru our letters we’d written when I was in my 20s. Helped a bit. But when I visited him in hospital before he died, demented, cheerful, charming and recognizing us, there were quite a few positive things - interest for things I do. But what has remained for me is the bitter tang that he kept doing small “social experiments” with nurses and patients, which others thought were funny, but which explained too much of my childhood.
I didn’t have this same experience but long ago realized that for that myself I had to forgive her - I couldn’t hold onto a grudge or it was going to kill me. Many times over the years I have had to forgive her.
One thing I have had a struggle to accept is that she fully believes that she has done nothing wrong. Regardless of the situation, what has happened - she was not the one in the wrong, ever. If you have never done wrong, why would you need to ask forgiveness? Why would you accept forgiveness? The fact that I have tried to set up boundaries - ridiculous! Besides, if I had TRUELY forgiven her for whatever I thought she had done wrong, then I wouldn’t put “conditions” on it - the fact that I have put boundaries in place with her just proves I haven’t really forgiven her anyway.
Hardest for me though has been forgiving myself. It has been 10 years (Superbowl weekend) since I finally realized this isn’t right, you don’t treat people this way - you don’t treat those you say you love this way! I didn’t treat my family or others this way - so why did I see this as normal and acceptable coming from her? She was living with us at that time and it got pretty scary and physical before I could get the kids and I out. We spent the weekend hiding in a motel room, watching the Superbowl - I couldn’t even tell you who played that year or who won! Haven’t been able to get into a Superbowl game since either. I was 36, with 3 children (9, 11 and almost 14) - HOW could I be 36, with 3 children and NOT know that what she did/said was wrong? That not every mother/grandmother treated her family that way? How could I have let her treat my children that way?
Of course you are right to put conditions and boundaries on her behaviour, so she can no longer continue abusing you & your family. And that has absolutely nothing to do with having truly forgiven her or forgiving her now. And neither has anything to do with her not accepting it, because she can’t see it. It is just so much harder to forgive if it is not accepted, the behaviour is not repented, not seen and even continues. Just goes to show what a fine woman you are, to be able to. It’s not just you “had to”.
For forgiving yourself: You’ve been abused by her all your life, you had to learn to live with that and try to not see it, to accept it, to adapt to it, to survive - of course it’s a long difficult process to learn that this behaviour is no longer necessary. No-one in your situation cd’ve come out of it faster & better, most slower or not at all & much worse. I was faster, because I wdn’t’ve survived my 20th birthday if I hadn’t cut the bonds.
S.K. Your mom sounds a lot like my mom. Over the years, I tried to stand up for myself. I tried to kindly explain…why she’s a wack job!!! I finally learned, about 10 years ago, that I am wasting my breath and energy on a person who has, and will, NEVER see that she has done anything wrong and will spend all the time in the world pointing out how CRAZY I am to even consider that she might be wrong. It’s not worth it SK. I’ve also tried setting boundaries but she is incapable of respecting them. Plus she is a master at shaming or guilting me about this or that. Ironically, this has drastically reduced as she gets older. I forgave my mom years ago. Not to her face because she would be confused as to why she needed forgiving. And I love my mom very much. Because she’s older now, like I said, it happens less and less. Also, I’ve been in therapy for years and have learned a lot of coping skills! I’m better at letting “ things” roll off my shoulders. Please don’t let your mom steal any joy in your heart. You are absolutely, 100%, a beautiful person that deserves to be treated with kindness and respect. You are NOT a bad daughter. Living out of state has helped me a lot. She may use every manipulative technique she knows to guilt you into helping her. There are many ways you can love and support your mom from a distance. Kori has a new wonderful Mama. She is very important to your healing process. I am always here if you need to talk or if you want advice on how I handled different situations. You have your Ben’s Friends family that want to support you too.
It starts getting better when you stop letting her take away any joy out of your life. It starts when you learn how to say NO in a manner in which doesn’t make your mom retaliate against you. For me, it started the first day I went to therapy and was validated about my dysfunctional family. It started when I stepped back and looked at how this or that was really my fault and discovering I’m not a bad person or daughter. SK, it can start today by taking small steps at not beating yourself up for something you didn’t do. Just like riding a bike, it takes time and a willingness to want to learn. Most people learning how to ride a bike will fall several times. But then…there is that magical day that you get on your bike and feel free. You don’t fall off your bike anymore. You are stronger than you were before. It is a process. Baby steps. I’m still learning.
Yea, I know. Most of the time it goes pretty good, and I can handle things better. I still do better when I am not the subject of her wrath. I can separate myself from it much better.
It also goes better now than it used too because she finally understands that when she starts in I will give her 2 warnings . . . “Mom, I am not doing this.” and “Mom, I love you, but I won’t do this. I will hang up if you continue.” In the beginning I had to carry through quite often with “I love you, but I am not doing this. I’ll talk to you later.” And I would hang up without another word. Would make her so very mad! Many times I would have to turn my phone off for a while and on occasion I did block her number. Still have to give her reminders when we talk sometimes, but usually I don’t have to go any further - often because she gets mad when I give her the 2nd warning and she hangs up on me.
Mostly though we simply don’t have much contact. When I go out to see my grandma, I will visit with mom too (they live in the same apartment complex), but I seldom put myself in the position of being alone with her. She is on better behavior when others are around. And I try to keep visits with her short. She seldom calls, choosing to text instead - faster and as she puts it - I am less like to get offended at something she says and hang up. She even told me when she texted me the first time - “We’ll try this instead. Maybe you won’t get so mad at me, and hang up on me so often, if you can’t hear my voice.” Nope, I don’t hang up on her. But I have been known to suddenly get very busy - a neighbor stopped by, someone called, the kids had an emergency supply run, computer issues - works about as good as hanging up, and got the point across about as well.
Most of the time I can deal with the “present” abuses/controlling behaviors. Sometimes though like this week, I get blind-sided and sent reeling.
Harder for me is dealing with the past issues - the learned “survival” behaviors/coping mechanisms I learned over the years of dealing with mom, the ingrained “voices” that crop up to remind me that I won’t ever make it, I won’t succeed, why did I do that?, what was I thinking there? And I grieve for the relationship that never was and never will be.
Hi, Struggling! Thank you for your complete honesty. My step-daughter (who I consider my “daughter”) was emotionally abused by her mother. She has pretty much stopped all contact (daughter is 25 now), but she told me recently that she doesn’t understand how she still loves her mom and thinks about her, after being treated so badly over and over. I told her it’s because, no matter what, she is your mother and you will still love her. BUT, I love what you said, Struggling, about grieving for the relationship you never had. I will share that with daughter at the right time.
Ah - and yes the voices telling you that you can’t make it on your own. The voice of my ex-husband (of 20 yrs) will probably be there in my head until I die. IT IS THE VOICE OF SOMEONE TRYING TO CONTROL YOU - DON’T LISTEN TO IT! Sending tons of love your way!!!
I also always wished I had a “normal” Mother. It’s comforting, but sad, to see that I’m not the only one. I would have been satisfied if my Mom had just encouraged me, accepted me the way I am and loved me unconditionally - without all the unreasonable expectations she had. I put so much love and effort into showing her how much she meant to me, but it didn’t matter because she only wanted me to let her control my life.
. Kori needs you and may be in the “ critical “ stage to start training her. If you go S.K., I’m concerned she will trap you, possibly guilt or manipulate you into staying with her until she’s finished with chemo etc. I have to be careful, this way, about my mom too. This can turn into a multiple weeks/ months stay. From someone who has been verbally, emotionally and psychologically manipulated by my mom in the past, don’t do it unless you are fully mentally and physically prepared for the unknown. I love my mom too. I live hundreds of miles away from her. She is the BEST phone mom in the world. After 36 hours together, in person, she changes into …crazy mom. Be wise my friend.
- I had to completely separate myself from both parents (22h-trip nec.) when I left home at 18, silence several times for a decade. For the last 10 years mails have been possible without much of a problem, but never phoning. Visits of 1-3h or family meetings were stretching it… The first 5+ years I was only capable of writing mails in a mode of not thinking about who I’m writing to.
Haven’t been able to get into a Superbowl game since either. 
I was 36, with 3 children (9, 11 and almost 14) - HOW could I be 36, with 3 children and NOT know that what she did/said was wrong? That not every mother/grandmother treated her family that way? How could I have let her treat my children that way?
I’m better at letting “ things” roll off my shoulders. Please don’t let your mom steal any joy in your heart. You are absolutely, 100%, a beautiful person that deserves to be treated with kindness and respect. You are NOT a bad daughter. Living out of state has helped me a lot. She may use every manipulative technique she knows to guilt you into helping her. There are many ways you can love and support your mom from a distance. Kori has a new wonderful Mama. She is very important to your healing process. I am always here if you need to talk or if you want advice on how I handled different situations. You have your Ben’s Friends family that want to support you too. 
