I woke up at 6am this morning, I was in so much pain I woke up crying. I got myself out of bed, took my pain medicines and occupied myself online while waiting for them to kick in. I was on facebook, reading a post from a fellow fibro sufferer when I came across a comment from a woman calling us 'hypochondriacs'. Needless to say after being called that from more than my fair share of people, I lost my temper. In no uncertain terms, I told this woman exactly where she could take her attitude, I felt such a strong urge to stand up for all of us who suffer with this debilitating pain every day. Then, I went outside to smoke. (I'm aware of how bad it is, I'm trying to quit).
It was while standing outside in -20 something degrees that I had an overwhelming moment of clarity and I strongly felt the need to share it with you all.
I've always been a stubborn, do everything myself type of personality. Fibro has been such a struggle for me and I've spent so many years in denial that I can no longer lead the life I once led. This has led to multiple clashes with my health, It has caused me so much extra pain and suffering because I refused to grieve for the life I once had and start a new one, able and willing to accept my limitations. Now, I have to admit that I've slowly been realizing I need to change, it has been my biggest work in progress.
I realized, while standing outside in the cold, that this is bigger than just me. This is bigger than all of us. For the first time I can remember, I concentrated on how the cold felt on my fingers. I focused on the pain buzzing through me and suddenly it hit me... I'M ALIVE! I may be miserable but I'm still HERE. I'm giving my fibro the lead in my life, I'm letting it rule me, bring me down, consume me and take the last shreds of my sanity on my really bad days. One word jumped forefront into my mind. FIGHT! Use the pain, use it to push past the meciocre barrier of 'I'm just here and I'm useless'. I began having high sensory overload. I paid attention to the wind, I looked up at the sky, I took a deep breath and... I SMILED. I had my moment, finally, that I've been waiting for more years than I'd like to admit. It brought tears to my eyes. Here I've been spending all this time, trying to make everyone else happy, pushing myself far past my limitations because I was afraid of being denied acceptance. I suddenly realize that I don't CARE if others accept me or not, this is who I am and it's time I began treating myself with the love and compassion that I give to everyone else.
I've spent this last year throwing myself into fibro support and awareness. I think it's about time that I acknowledge that along with supporting others, I also need to support myself. Stop focusing on the misery all of the time and start living like the person I know is inside of me, just dying to come out. I'm blessed with so many things. I married my knight in camouflage, we have the most amazing 8 month old any parent could wish for and all this time I've been missing out simply because I didn't love myself...until now.
I don't feel that this can even come close to describing my experience this morning, but I know that now, I'm changed forever, for the better. I hope this will help me in my mission to help others and most importantly, to help myself. I hope this touches someone out there and this is why I share, to help others and try to make others feel more understood and not so alone.
Now I'm going to go kiss my sleeping son.
Here's to wishing all of you a wonderful day! Thank you for reading this post. Gentle hugs to all!