Today was a bad day in so many ways that didn’t include the pain, the fog, the fatigue, or the hopelessness. I plan to write a blog about the specifics, but for the purpose of this site, I’ll keep it on topic and brief.
I woke up this morning and couldn’t move. I’d had nightmares all night – even hit my husband a few times while moving around.
My dreams were about failing at my job… starting your own insurance agency is not easy, and even though I’ve spent hundreds and hundreds of hours training, even though we’re more regulated than the banking industry, and even though I really, really believe in what I have to offer people – not just an insurance policy, but an agent who really cares and believes in being there every step of the way – I doubt myself.
The fact of the matter is I have Fibromyalgia. I struggle with degenerative bone disease and the ups and (mostly) downs of bipolar disorder. The fact is I’m not as able as others are to put in the hours and hours it takes to build your business quickly. It doesn’t help that I take my job as an advisor seriously (e.g. when a ‘coach’ told me to stop talking when the client is giving the ‘buying’ signals, stop talking… I wasn’t done explaining her policy… so, no) and I give more than I have. I know it will catch up to me… maybe it’s already starting to.
So, I hobbled into work only to get a ‘bad-agent’ lecture about not having more volume. It knocked the motivation clear out of me. And then, I had a crappy day. Cold calling is never easy, but I’m normally pretty good. For every 100 calls, I get about 10 appointments. Average day includes 200-400 calls.
Back to the Fibro: I sat there, all day, in pain and fuming. I finally – around 3pm – told my ‘coach’ what I thought of the little pep talk… he actually apologized to everyone before we all left for the day, but still, the pain was everywhere. It wasn’t until I got home that I realized how much I’d overdone it. The song came on the radio on my way home… Tough; “I wanted lace, I wanted pearls, to be a princess like the girls. But life came hard, to my front, and grew up trying to even up the score…” I fight my body, my pain, my everything I grew up believing was weak.
I should be clear here… I never find other people’s illnesses weak – only my own.
So, it was a long day; I’m pretty used to them by now… but when I went upstairs to lie down, ‘it’ hit. I’d be so focused on getting through the day that I pushed myself into the ground. And the best part is I have to be ‘on’ tomorrow. I have a meeting with a client, so there will be a ton of work I just can’t miss. But when my body settled into the bed, I nearly cried. My muscles, joints, organs and skin just ached.
So, as prescribed, I took my pain killer(a narcotic that make me extra foggy, so excuse the typos), a muscle relaxer, and an anti-inflammatory. Now I am buzzed, foggy, but still in pain. It’s an awesome end to a crappy day, don’t-cha-think?
How am I getting through it? How am I surviving this wonderous journey through the pain and frustration? How am I pushing through the pain, no matter what it takes?
I focus on one thing. Yesterday, it was my ‘NothingBundtCakes’ personal sized cake in the fridge. The day before it was really going the extra mile for a client – who I brought a bundt cake to to smooth a wrinkle in getting her set up. And today… today I really focused on what I want MY agency to be when I’m in more of an office and less of a cube. I focused on the reason I’m pushing myself and overdoing it. Because I want to be that agent that people remember and trust. Today I focused on who I want to be. It doesn’t take the pain away, but it helps with the hopelessness.
Oh, and before y’all start, I know overdoing it is a real problem and that we have to be careful and whatnot… I sit at a desk; I’m not lifting heavy objects or walking long distances.
Thanks y’all for listening (or readying) and for the support I know I’ll get.
XOXO