I am frustrated and sad…and having a really really hard time moving away from these overwhelming thoughts and feelings to get to a better place in life. I am mourning my prior self. I have always been a “Type A” person with whirlwind / multitasking capabilities. I was dedicated and focused on building my career. I truly love what I do for a living and was close to the “next big phase” when my health failed me in so many ways. Just six months before all of these health issues, I even found someone to marry and share my future with. Now my whole world has been turned upside down.
I shouldn’t complain. I have so many things to be grateful for. Sor many experiences and acomplishments that others have not had. I was in control. When I reflect now, it amazes me how much we all take for granted. Especially our health. Just to be able to get out of bed, jump in the shower and go is a thing of the past for me now. I have Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue Syndrom, Siatica in both legs, Migraines, ringing in my ears, Chronic neck pain/issues, bouts of insomnia, macro CK type 1, and if all that is not enough…I am also starting to go through meonopause and the dreaded hot flashes at night that comes with it.
Last year when this all hit me hard I was actually walking with a cane for a period of time. The medications I was given not only made me gain 40 pounds (which I still haven’t been able to shed) but these meds also sent me straight into clinical depression. I couldn"t stop crying so I had to take a medical leave of absense from work. I ended up taking two short term disability leaves from work last year. I also used up all my sick days and all my vacation and then some. When I did go back to work I was falling asleep at meetings. I now have the meds to contol that but only until I see yet another specialist.
My boss did my evaluation a few weeks ago and it shocked me. I have always been a highly rated with great comments kind of employee. She rated me two levels down and said that she just didn’t know who I was anymore. My standard of work had diminished. There was no consideration or empathy for what I had been through medically. Nor was there any mention of it in my review. I have been with this company for 18 years now and was just paralyzed from the review. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t expect a free pass but after 17 years of 150% you would think that would get you some understanding.
So I ask the question…How do I become I a different version of myself? My mind still works and I am still very passionate about my career but I do not know what my new limitations are. My work requires me to think but it also requires me to travel worldwide and after taking a few flights last year I have realized that I have to cut out the travel as it is too hard on my body.
So frustrated, sad, and tormented by my situation. Any advice is appreciated.
Kas, I am really sorry about the work evaluation. That must have been very difficult to handle, especially when you are already struggling with depression. I have known a lot of good people who have been through this difficult transition, having to accept increasing limitations at work or sometimes needing to accept that they cannot work anymore. There is acceptance on the other side of it, but it takes time and work to achieve it. Do you have a counselor, who can assist you with this process? A career coach who can help you evaluate your abilities may also be helpful.
Hi Kas, I am sorry to hear about the tough time you are having and I am happy that u reached out to us. I am new on this group but ive already gotten more support in the short time ive been here than in all the time I’ve had my illness. So u r in the right place. I can sympathise with ur problems at work as I’m going thru the same thing. I have been at my current job for 9 years. And gave my best years to them. But when im having a hard day they quickly forget about it and judge me. Have u got family and friends that give u support? A good support system makes everything easier to cope with. Also think about taking up something like meditation or breathing classes. Because believe it or not we all breathe wrong and have to be taught how to oxiginate our bodies. Which will aid in ur depression and all round health . Its important to practice relaxation techniques and not to be so hard on urself. As it will just agrivate ur condition. Its not easy to make peace with conditions like ours. For years before I was diagnosed i told my family that my body is waging a war with it self. It was frustrating beeing 17 and not being able to act my age. Always feeling like im ancient. And very little people understand. Have u considered maybe changing careers? Or working from home? Also does your employers completely understand ur condition? Don’t give up! You are a warrior for making it so far. Dont worry about other people and what they think. Just take care of yourself. Find things that relax u or ease the pain eg hot baths ect and stick with it. the pain might never leave but u will get stronger and learn methods to cope. It helps a great deal to stay as positive as u can even when u feel like giving up just keep fighting. And know u are never alone! Hugs P
I can suggest some things to relieve some of your symptoms.
Sciatica & neck/all over body pain, I bought myself a TENS ( Transcutaneous Electrical Nerve Stimulation) unit. Instead of pain meds you use electricity. Basically it is a mini electrical zapping machine & it works WONDERS for me.
Ringing in the ears for me is because I was around loud noises. I keep cotton balls in my purse & cotton balls wrapped in the electrical cords of my vacuum cleaner, food processor, coffee bean grinder, etc.
You will have to go see a Neurologist to be on the safe side, my Neuro told me that I would have to NEVER take acetametaphine or ibuprophen for the rest of my life, because these over the counter meds give me rebound Migraines,
1 Migraire is enough (Thank You very much) I do not it to be repeated!!!
I don't have CFS but I do sometimes run out of energy. For this I use apple vinegar, I like vinegar & will pour some into a glass & sip it throughout the day. The recommended dose is 1 teaspoon of vinegar to 8oz of water. It levels out your sugar, starches & metabolism,
I am so sorry that you had to go through that/this!!! M
Reading what you wrote resonated with me. I can definitely relate to how you are feeling. Forming a new version of ourselves or the "new normal" is something we have to do. For me, it took being sad, depressed and angry at this diagnosis a lot of the time. Angry was a very familiar emotion to me for a while and I still get very angry at times, but less often. Before I started counseling, to work through some of my emotions, I began to feel like a shell of my former self. I would ask questions that could never be answered like, "Why me? Why did this have to happen? Why am I being punished?", but those questions are not helpful, create negative thought patterns and don't help us in the process of finding a new normal. Have you considered seeing a counselor? I balked at the idea initially because I had already seen a few counselors and they were not helpful; but then I found my current counselor and what a difference it has made : ) Talking through your emotions and having positive, constructive feedback can help us view ourselves in a more positive light and help us focus on what we can do versus what we can't do.
I'm sorry about your work evaluation. I bet that felt like getting a punch in the stomach after all the hard work you have put in over the years. It hurts us when people don't understand how this diagnosis affects us and it hurts that they don't realize that we are still the same person we were in our minds.
What I try to remember each day is that we are still the loving, fun-going, hard working people we have always been. We just have to find out how to let that person break through despite our obstacles. You will get there : )
Hi, So sorry, It happens everyday to hard working people that like you the company says you can’t make it or do the work anymore they know someone behind you is waiting to step in. My hubby was laid off after 14 yrs. in Oct. after he had a heart attack the previous Dec. his boss said to bad. He is 52 it is hard finding a company that sees your qualifications. They would rather have the younger ones, they don’t have to pay high salary. It is looking up for him this week, so if I can get him settled and insurance I am hopeful that in some way will help me feel better. Like you I have a big list. 5 yrs. ago was diagnosed depression, anxiety, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, aspirin, 3 different pain Meds, and every doc. I saw had the very same list of my Meds. Got better. 2 yrs. ago. Was not able to use the rest room for 3 weeks. Went to gen. Doc. she told me to get Miralax. Ok. Pick it up on way home, took about 3 doses, but was not drinking enough water, got severely dehydrated, went through 2 hours emergency dialysis,that was about 8:00 am woke up in ICU at 3:30am the next morning, my son was there, he filled me in on why I was there. I have no memory. Was in ICU for a day then in the hospital for 7 days. I had every test they could think of to through my way. It started a big domino effect. Colonoscopy, found polyps, removed, tested, bad result. They saw some cancer, went through flexsig, not a full colonoscopy, came out clean. While in the hospital told nurse 1 day that my back hurt real bad down at the bottom of my right lung she told me it was the way I was laying in bed, ok she is the nurse. Found out I had fluid in my right lung. Had 70 ccs taken out then put back in hospital for a weekend so they could take out more, same hole, this was only a day after. They took out 100 ccs more. Ah feeling better. Of course as weak as I was I still had to go around to app. Cat scan, ex rays. Went to neurologist had the pin test done, have neurotrophic on the left side more than the right. Had MRI on brain, found a small spot in the center right side by the line that divides the brain. So far has not grown but due for next MRI, going back to the lungs they found a spot on my right lung, early signs, the fluid. So far holding steady but due for pet scan to find out . Our lives are on hold for the moment due to the job situation. Hopefully soon some company will see his talents and qualifications. Some are sounding real hopeful. Day by day, right. At least my sweet son sent $ so I could Lyrica. Been back on it for a week and at least I can get out of bed, move around without so much pain. I miss my morphine, sad to say but true. I have had this for 10 yrs. it gets worse everyday. I wake up, if I get to sleep at all. There is a new symptom I have to deal with. The itching is almost the worst. Here, there, over there, everywhere. But the pain, weakness, heavy legs they are the very worst. Well I told half of my story don’t want to bring you down. I am feeling better. Have a positive, pain free day! Big soft bear hugs sent to you. Donna
When I came back to work from my second short term disability leave, I was on a lot of medications that left me tired and unfocused. My boss tormented me with comments that eventually diminished all of my confidence in myself. I used to be fearless. I used to make great decisions and was always at the top of my game. Now I am an empty shell of my former self. Scared to run into my my boss for fear of more negative feedback. I started to have feelings of not wanting to continue life so I knew that I needed to seek counseling. My therapist is helping me but I am hoping the antidepressants kick in soon. I am paralyzed at work and can’t focus on anything. Scared of making mistakes and disappointing my boss further. She rolls her eyes everytime we talk.
She acts like I broke my arm and that when I came back to work I was all fixed. I have seen every doctor in hopes of a better recommendation on how to go forward. My husband is very supportive but I can tell he doesn’t understand the true depth of my issues. I am trying to take life one day at a time now.
Bless your heart it is hard for people see the inside they only see the outside. I don’t know how much you have read about me. But have been there done that. Before fibro hit I was working full time at Dillard’s in TX. Then hubby got transferred to CO so had to quit. Never found anything here that fit. Either had young smart mouthed men that thought I did not know what I was doing or telling me I was not working hard enough but the younger girls got away with anything they did. They would hide in there places they found behind the scenes for hours customers looking for them in their dept. so other people had to stop what they were doing to help the custumer. Never did they get in trouble. So unfair. I worked has hard as I could. But got fired and told him to F@&$ his self I did not need the job my hubby made enough so keep trying same problem. So I gave up and now it is turning against me. I cannot get disability, not enough points, hubby makes too much money. So stuck for extra help that way. I also feel empty. Depression also sucks and with everything together. You know. I feel that I have gave out all I have and nobody wants to help fill me back up. I gave to everyone that passed my path and half way acted that they wanted to be my freind so I let them know I would be a good freind, so I got used I gave no return over and over again. Now all the FREINDS I have is on this support group. Again thank you. Big soft hugs, Donna
Your story is so familiar. It is very hard to come to terms with changing your career and lifestyle when you get it to where you like it. I had a job I just loved and was lucky enough to work with a group of coworkers that were understanding and still had to leave it because I could not do the job anymore. It took strength and stamina that I just did not have, working with mentally challenged teenagers(autistic, bi-polar, fetal alcohol syndrome) I still miss working with the girls but I know I could not do the job required. It is hard to find the right physicians that will listen and understand also you just have to keep trying each new thing to get the right combination for you. I wish you luck and less painful days in finding a new plan that will work within your life. It is a struggle everyday but it helps to be a strong willed person to persevere through the bad.
You sound like you really liked working with those children. They need more people like you that would do the job with compassion and LOVE. I know you miss them and am sure they miss you in their way. I cry evertime I see a sick child or struggling in some way. They should not have to deal with diseases. They are to young. At least we kinda understand what is happening to our bodies. Do you feel like your body just gave out? Empty, Hollow, no inside center. I don’t know where to turn at the moment, but it seems there is a silver cloud, hubby got a second interview. Keep fingers crossed. So I found this site and so far everyone has been awsome. Not so much pain today, hope it is like that for you! Big Soft Hugs!
Oh my goodness Kas, I am so, so sorry to hear about your current situation. I know how frustrating it is to be flying at 160 mph and then come screeching to a halt because of health conditions. While most of this is beyond our control, I know it is so hard to be in leadership and constantly take charge and then to suddenly not be able to do that anymore. I truly do empathize and I am so sorry. As far as your work situation goes, this reminds me of the ugly truth that no matter how hard you work for a business, no matter how intelligent and awesome you are - they will never ever take care of you the way you are supposed to be treated. You have to put your health first because unfortunately I have yet to see or hear of any corporation that will do that for you.
While I know it feels like so much is slipping through the cracks and you are mourning what you had, I think it takes incredible strength to keep pushing and fighting even though you are so exhausted. That is something to take pride in. And though you have so much going on, please remember that you are still special and mean the world to so many around you. I am glad that you posted on here, this group has been so awesome and encouraging especially on days where you just want to rip your hair out. Hang in there, and know that we are here for you!
Blessings and prayers