If we are on this site, we usually already are way too familiar with the plethora of diagnostic testing that we have been through, are possibly still continuing to go through and most likely will have to go through in the future... Last week, I was already in full blown migraine when I had to go for a brain MRI and a Carotid Ultrasound first thing in the morning. I will let you know that my MRI was long in waiting but still only half of what I would really like to see my Neurologist write for but I was glad to see that I finally didn't have to beg for it. I really don't like getting tests done but since I was medicated and migraining, in a complete fibro fog and hadn't slept even two hours the night before, well, I did not care about the darn machine, just as long as I got to lay down and was given a blanket and a pair of earplugs, I got through it pretty well. The shorter test of the Carotid, I did not fair as well through, I am, like most of us, very sensitive to touch, and it felt as if she were choking me. I am a very thin lady and would hope that they would not have to press so hard to get their pictures, but it was terrible, until it got worse when I passed out! At least I was on a table! I was out for a minute or two, but no one can tell me why it happened. It is not the first time I have fainted, but it is the first time that it has happened while I was laying down (not to mention while someone was pressing on a my artery)! After a few hours of me telling the staff that I had to go home because I have my child coming from school soon and no one else to be there for him, they let me go home.
For the next two days I could only think about what they would find on the tests, what if they find something, what if they find nothing??? It is so hard to feel that finally you get a doctor to validate a symptom and write for a test just to worry about what they may find, but equally, what they may not, once again find. I would like to say that I would love for the tests to all come back clear and I am in perfect health. Isn't that what anyone would want? No, I don't want to hear that they have found a mass or they have to open me up for such and such....but my overwhelming fear was that they are going to find nothing, again, and my doctor will continue to look at me like I am crazy, with an "I told you, it's all in your head" grin of satisfaction on his face. It is gut wrenching to think that I will have to walk out holding back tears because I still will have no answers, no validation and worse, no help. It can possibly be my plight to just wait for the next episode, knowing that it gets worse each time.
Well, a few days ago, the results of the Ultrasound of the Carotid came back negative. Yippee! The nurse called me and told me I have no need to worry....not that she knew that I passed right out on the table during the test, right? I thanked her and simply hung up the phone and swallowed back whatever I was feeling that I wasn't going to allow myself to feel and shut down. So on I wait, for the results of the MRI. I want to be happy that they will most likely find nothing wrong...that is a very good thing but I feel so defeated....I just simply feel hopelessly defeated by my body, the pain, the exhaustion, the constant decline and not knowing how to accept why. I honestly feel ashamed of myself for feeling pain and admitting it to others, when doctors tell me, " I don't know what to tell you". I don't know what to tell me either.