I recently had an experience with my sister that leaves me with a lot of guilt. I guess I would feel a little better if others told me they had similar experiences. But I am also okay with other members understanding my sister's my point of view. But the main question and one I have to deal with again in the future is 'does any one just lose the ability to tolerate any more pain when they have been subjected to 5 flares (they last for 5-6 days) over a 4 month period of time?' Does the obligation to do the right thing elude you when you are screaming "NO MORE PAIN!!!" Would any of you put up with more pain that has the potential to increase to help a family member after a surgery? First, I did help her from the beginning. I drove her to the hospital, I picked her kids up from summer camp, I drove back to get her and stayed with her for 2 whole days. I took the kids to camp 2 days. We had agreed that on 2 of the days I could rest while she got a nanny. But on one of the nights she had the nanny she spent most of the time talking to the nanny so that I had to help with the kids. I was suppose to have 3 days off and instead I ended up with 2 off before I returned on Saturday to help again. And on the two days off I was in intense pain. I went on Sunday and apologized profusely but I was a bit surprised she was running around and doing a lot of chores. When I was in pain on Thursday, Friday and Saturday -all cleaning came to a halt. She was upset she had to go up and down her stairs to help her children. It seemed stupid that she couldn't have told two 8 year olds they could not go outside for one day because she was recovering from surgery. When I am in pain my 11 yr old son has learned over the years some days I can't get out of bed but I always make it up to him. I went up on Sunday morning and she kept bringing up the fact I abandoned her. I still had pain on Sunday but it was less than Thursday, Friday and Saturday. I stayed the night so I could take her kids to summer camp the next morning. The kids are in summer camp all day til 6 pm and then she has a nanny. Okay I am not asking for sympathy on my part. She had the surgery and fresh wounds are intense. I have done my best to explain to her that my illness is unpredictable. What I got from her was a bunch of emails calling me selfish and inconsiderate. I don't care about the emails.
It makes me so sad to hear this,I am sending positive thoughts to you. Where family are concerned it is always so difficult, often they really don't get this tricky condition, even tho' they seem to,or say they do - they don't. I get that too. I guess your sister is so wrapped up in her own problems, she has her difficulties too. I would just like to say, it is good that you can rant/vent on here. If it helps, just carry on! Wish you well
You definitely shouldn't feel guilty. She is lucky to have had someone like you for the days you were there. I think you need to realize that this isn't the sickness olympics. Everyone in this situation has pain, and everyone needs to take care of themselves. It sounds like your 11 year old is more mature than her 8 year olds.
She didn't really plan well for after her surgery, and she should not have relied on you solely because there is a lot that can go wrong (even if you didn't have fibro something could have come up easily)
It's definitely not your fault. Don't feel guilty.
Hi Dozer
Please don’t feel guilty. It is very easy to fall into that pattern of guilt. I have done so myself at times. You did over and above what is expected by someone with FM. We all know how unpredictable it is. I have many flare ups that I don’t even return calls. I find it difficult to explain how intense the pain feels. All the best Dozer. Lots of love, Mary Michelon Australia xx
Thank you Anne. It feels nice to be heard. When these type of things happen I just spiral down into an abyss. It's so disappointing to know that no matter what you tell them they still cannot grasp the intensity of pain or lack of control.
AnneV said:
Hello dozer,
It makes me so sad to hear this,I am sending positive thoughts to you. Where family are concerned it is always so difficult, often they really don't get this tricky condition, even tho' they seem to,or say they do - they don't. I get that too. I guess your sister is so wrapped up in her own problems, she has her difficulties too. I would just like to say, it is good that you can rant/vent on here. If it helps, just carry on! Wish you well
What I did take away from this experience is that I should not reassure her that I won't disappoint her again. I sent one email telling her the reason why I was on disability (being reliable) and that I would love to work if my condition was not so unpredictable. I have not heard from her since.
ButYou'reSoYoung said:
You definitely shouldn't feel guilty. She is lucky to have had someone like you for the days you were there. I think you need to realize that this isn't the sickness olympics. Everyone in this situation has pain, and everyone needs to take care of themselves. It sounds like your 11 year old is more mature than her 8 year olds.
She didn't really plan well for after her surgery, and she should not have relied on you solely because there is a lot that can go wrong (even if you didn't have fibro something could have come up easily)
It's definitely not your fault. Don't feel guilty.
I am not so sure I will get over the guilt so quickly but when I do I will know all of you took a part in helping me get over it. Mary Michelon said:
Hi Dozer Please don't feel guilty. It is very easy to fall into that pattern of guilt. I have done so myself at times. You did over and above what is expected by someone with FM. We all know how unpredictable it is. I have many flare ups that I don't even return calls. I find it difficult to explain how intense the pain feels. All the best Dozer. Lots of love, Mary Michelon Australia xx
One thing that did upset me was the fact my sister put me in that position of defending myself. I really do not want to compare my pain to other's. I want to help her. I am always trying to help others. I have two friends I committed to babysitting and half way through realized it was more than I could handle. I am thinking more about this and today I concluded I have repeatedly made the mistake of trying to help others and fail. Some part of me must be in denial. My friends were understanding and wish she could be too ButYou'reSoYoung said:
You definitely shouldn't feel guilty. She is lucky to have had someone like you for the days you were there. I think you need to realize that this isn't the sickness olympics. Everyone in this situation has pain, and everyone needs to take care of themselves. It sounds like your 11 year old is more mature than her 8 year olds.
She didn't really plan well for after her surgery, and she should not have relied on you solely because there is a lot that can go wrong (even if you didn't have fibro something could have come up easily)
It's definitely not your fault. Don't feel guilty.
