So a little bit ago my husband came into the room I’m in and saw me crying and asked what’s going on today that’s so bad…
I’ve had Fibromyalgia for 25 years. I have ups and downs like everyone but the last few years have been really, really hard. I guess it started when my beloved beagle died and I truly wanted to die with him. I now have 2 more dogs and love them so much but live in fear of the day I will lose them too. My best friend who is 10 years younger than I am had a baby a few years ago and I’ve barely seen her since. She met another mother (I’m 45 and never had kids) and has basically replaced me with this new woman and even though we are next door neighbors I barely see her or her 2 year old daughter anymore. Even when I do see them it is almost always me initiating it, telling her I’m lonely and then she’ll usually ask me to do something or to come over (and even when I do it’s clearly not the same it’s like she’s frozen me out and is even texting with her new friend the whole time she’s with me) That has me feeling more sad, angry, and lonely than anything I think because we used to do a lot together.
My dad had a massive stroke 25 years ago and he’s getting to the point where he’s no longer able to live alone (my parents are divorced) and I live in fear of having to put him in a nursing home. I DO NOT want to do it, he still has his mind, he’s just not able to physically move much at all by himself anymore. We have someone that comes into his home to help him shower, etc…3 days a week but she is saying she can’t help much anymore because he is physically deteriorating. It’s been so hard to see him struggle with all the effects of the stroke for the past 25 years and I just can’t bear the thought of him living out his last years, months…in a nursing home. He’s too proud and independent. This has been weighing heavily on me along with my own symptoms one of which is severe plantar fasciitis that has left me barely able to walk myself. I am the type of person who likes to get out and walk and would love to be able to walk my dogs, even 15 minutes but when I try I get much much worse pain in my feet that lasts for days. I had frozen shoulder for the 3 years previous to my foot pain and between that and all the symptoms of Fibro I am at my wits end.
So when my very emotionally unavailable husband comes into the room and sees tears streaming down my face, how am I supposed to explain that it’s all just too much for me to bear? That I really don’t want to watch my dogs die, my dad get put into a nursing home to die, and my 71 year old mother who I love and need more than anything get older and die just to be left alone sick and isolated in this world? I don’t want to live just to see all this. I don’t see much hope for the future. I don’t have children to love and care about, I don’t have anything to look forward to and at this stage in my life feel that I’m just basically waiting to watch everyone I love die. I’m already so depressed no matter how hard I try not to be. I honestly do not see what I have to look forward to, to live for…I’m not saying I want to kill myself because I don’t and probably would never have the nerve to try but I do want the world to end or to die in an accident or something. I don’t want to live to feel more pain. It’s so much pain, physical and emotional.
How do you explain this to someone who doesn’t live with a chronic illness or depression? How do I say I don’t want to live and be taken seriously or understood? Does it even matter? This is how I’ve felt for several years. I’ve told my doctor, I’ve been on so many anti depressants and from my experience, they are not a miracle and often cause more side effects than anything. I need help but I have very little help of getting it. I guess that’s all. Having a bad day for sure and I have do have times when I’m ok- watching a funny movie, or spending time with my dogs or my mom or planting a flower in the summer but I definitely do feel this way overall and I hate it. Like life is too painful to live anymore. Thanks for listening my fellow Fibro friends and warriors.
I Can really relate to all your talking about my best friend abandoned me. I have 2 daughters but 1 is in North Carolina with my grandchildren and the 1 hear I see her periodically but my grandchildren are in different sports and she is busy with her own life I don't see them very often and because of the chronic pain I'm unable to go and do thing. I try to go to my grandson who is a senior I try to watch him run in track tournaments on Thursdays. My husband is a truck driver so I see him a few days out of the week. I also have aging parents and I'm afraid that I'm going to lose them hopefully not anytime soon I pray. I'm also on medication for mental illness so I do understand where you are coming from. I live here in San Diego, CA I do understand the loneliness and not having friends. It's kind of hard to make friends where your able to do stuff with when you have chronic pain and you don't know from one day to the next how your going to feel. What does help me is praying to God and giving whatever to him and try hard not to take it back. But I do relate with the feeling of loneliness. It sucks. When I'm really in bad shape mentally where I have thought suicide even though I wouldn't do it I go to my Moms house where my sisters live and they have chronic pain from fibromyalgia and I usually go over there and they're asleep due to pain meds. It was really nice talking with you. I'm not on the computer very much because of shoulder arm and hand pain so I probably have 900 e-mails. So I need to get off now. Oh buy the way I didn't introduce myself I'm Shannon. Take care and God Bless and hope we can communicate with you again. Thanks Shannon
Yes, the pain can be very overwhelming. I am struggling. I have had years of chronic pain due to other conditions, only to find myself now with Fibro and Polyarthralgia.
It is hard to explain and hard to comprehend. The pain, the muscle spasms and the burning can just drive you crazy!
We are alive! We have a rougher road than most. And yes, those closest to us may not understand. But we are not alone! There are many of us that are battling this nasty condition!
My thoughts are with you through this! Please know that you are NOT alone!
Hello Jewelbird, (lovely name),
Please try not to feel so bad about your life, easier said than done, I know. Not surprising you at your wits end with this tricky condition. Who wouldn't be, not knowing where the next pain wil appear, the chronic fatigue etc etc. But many people on here do manage their symtoms well, and lead the best life they can. You can only try to educate partners and family, there is a lot of advice in other discussions and on-line to help you with this. A couple spring to mind, letter from someone suffering with chronic pain, and the spoon theory.
Maybe you need some help with greiving for your dog, and focussing on death too much, is there any counselling you can access? P'raps meditation techniques, mindfulness or CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy), might help. Hope you find something soon, I will be thinking of you.
Take care, Anne
Jewel bird,
I’m so sorry you are struggling so badly with life. I have been in the pits of depression before myself. I have FM and CFS. Taking antidepressants is not enough. Severe depression requires a good therapist. There are things they can do to help you with coping and setting achievable goals. Call your primary doctor and ask for a referral. Suffering forever is not an option. Please don’t suffer in silence.
Hugs,
Connie
Thank you to everyone who has replied so thoughtfully to my post. I am in a really bad way right now and truly appreciate each and every response, supportive comment and suggestion. I am going to call my doctor for a referral to a therapist-- I know I can’t just give up even though I feel like it right now 
thank you again.
Hi,
I'm sorry you are struggling Jewelbird. I've battled depression for a long time now as well and it is very difficult, especially when things happen in life like a loved one having medical issues or a fur baby passing away. You say you don't have kids, but, in my mind, I consider my animal my fur baby. They need us just as much as a human baby does. And it sounds like you love your animals very much.
I have also experienced betrayal with friends and it is emotionally difficult. We have so many questions that run through our heads when this happens. And even though we continue to reach out because we miss the person they were to us, we have to realize that they aren't that person anymore and cannot be that person they once were in our lives. I grieved over a friend that I lost similar to your situation and once I stopped reaching out, I felt better because the relationship ended. We can't be the ones putting out all the energy and throwing out the life raft if they don't want to grab it. It took a lot of strength to stop reaching out and it hurt when she didn't reach back, but eventually it was the best decision.
Have you checked in to local resouces for caregiving to assist your dad? I live in WA State and in our county we have the Pierce County Aging and Disability Resource Center. It can provide referrals and community resources for caregiving to assist elderly or disabled individuals with staying home and not having to go into a nursing home. They might have something like that in your area.
Hugs,
Sara
I understand about the loss of your dog. I typed out a reply to you, but decided it might be too sad for you at this time.
My husband doesn't know how bad I feel, but I try occasionally to tell him.
Keep trying those antidepressants. You'll find one that works, eventually.
::gentle hugs::
Ambien Girl