Hi everyone - I have a real problem on my hands - and I don't know what to do. I will try to summarize it so you can get a general idea. I have a wonderful friend, Carol, that I have known for many years. About 4 years ago, she got colon cancer and she is a survivor. She also is Bi-polar and suffers from deep depression at times, but takes Meds that keep it under control most of the time. However, I have witnessed her plunging to the darkness of despair and with her Bi-polar symptoms, it is really an awful thing to witness. When she first got sick with the cancer, I became her 'unofficial' caretaker, I am more than happy to do this, as I love her dearly as a good friend. She has a nurse that comes once a week to check over her Meds and check her blood pressure. She has become a good friend of mine also. Recently, Carol has been suffering from possibly, the beginning stages of Alzhimers, We are in the process of getting this checked out. As I get older, my Fibro has gotten worse and Carol's nurse has been after me to slow down in taking care of Carol and the nurse would find someone to help Carol out.Here's the problem: Carol has extreme serious issues with abandonment. If you could imagine the absolute WORSE kind of child abuse from the parents, multiply that, and this is what Carol went through when growing up. At the age of 12, she was abandoned by her parents (both alcoholics) and taken into an orphanage that treated her terribly. At 17, she was adopted by an Aunt and Uncle who adored her and took excellent care of her. However, Carol's background and her abandonment issues were never addressed. She got married, eventually, had one child, and her husband left her for a younger woman He took advantage of the fact that Carol was so distraught over the upcoming divorce, and was able to get her to sign absolutely everything over to him. The break-up of her marriage brought all the horrible feelings that she had since she was a child and came to the forefront. She was put in an institution 6 times before she was able to be on her own. This is where the Bi-polar and everything else all started.
I need to slow down a bit because of my FIbro. I don't know how to tell Carol this, because quite often she has told me she has a deep-rooted fear of my 'leaving' her. I would never leave her, but in taking care of her and taking her to all her appointments and such, it's getting harder for me to do, especially in the winter when it's been snowing and the roads are dangerous. I have been wrestling with this on my mind for several months now and I don't know how to tell her I need to slow down? She can get really hysterical at times and I can't blame her, with all she has been through. Do you have any advice on how I should handle this?? Thanks!! Laurie
My suggestion is to explain it just as you have here: You love her and care about her and will always be "there" for her, but that your own health issues are forcing you to slow down.
Hopefully she'll understand. If she doesn't...well... it doesn't change the fact that you have to look out for yourself first. If she's a good friend, regardless of what she's been through in life, she wouldn't ever want to compromise your health so you can put her first.
Oh Laurie… God bless you for helping this women, What a situation, is there anyone ( family ) that she can call on to help ? I think you need to approach it as if you are explaining to a child, if you are gentle and loving she should understand, help her see that you will never leave her, but that you fear if you don’t slow down you may end up really sick in bed. ( this does happen to us if we push ourself to hard) tell her that your dr. Has warned you that if you continue to push yourself that you could get worse ( which is also true ) and that you fear that this is what is happening.
In order for you to continue to help her, you must put yourself first, it does no one any good if you end up worse, this is the hardest part of fibro, learning to say no I can’t do that, not feeling guilty for it, and then putting our own needs above others. In the end no one will understand if your fibro or symptoms get debilitating, but they will learn that we have to balance what we can and cannot do. I pushed my self for 2 years feeling everyday like how am I going to get through tomm… And guess what Iv been on my couch for six months now, suffering with pain and fatigue. If only I had slowed down before my fibro started, or maybe not pushing through 2 years of misery… I wonder ???
Please slow down, listen to your body and find that balance for you !
Hugs & blessings
dee
HI Dee - it's so strange that you told me that I needed to talk to Carol as if she were a child, because she IS a child, in her way of thinking. She never grew up. She has a hard time making even the most simple decisions, that I find myself talking to her as if she were 12 years old in order for her to understand what I am saying. It makes me so sad because when she has good days, she is so much fun to be with and her sense of humor has me laughing all day long. She has a very 'dry' sense of humor - and usually I don't get along with people that have this kind of humor, but Carol is an exception. I never know what she is going to say. You asked me if she has family - she has one son Ty, who lives in Las Vegas. Since he was 16, he has witnessed his Mother going through so much in regards to her Bi-polar. One time he was driving her somewhere, and she got so hysterical (they were on a highway), she actually opened the car door and jumped out! Landed faced down on the pavement and lost all her teeth and bruised her face really bad. He is good to her in so many ways, but he prefers to have Carol's nurse and I 'take over' which doesn't settle with me OR the nurse very well. He calls her every Sunday and visits about 3 times a year. She and I live in Reno, Nevada. Carol wants so badly to move to Las Vegas to live with Ty, but he won't allow it. I do understand his feelings - but the bottom line is, this is his Mother, who did so much for him when he was growing up. Dee, thanks so much for your suggestions, as I am going to take it to heart and talk to Carol's nurse. If I make the decision to slow down, I will have to break the news to Carol with her nurse there, as I don't know what she'll do if I am alone with her. When she gets nervous and hysterical she strikes out sometimes, physically, but has no memory of it when she has calmed down. This is going to be tough!! Hugs, Laurie
Hi Red - thanks so much for your wonderful advice. I DO love and care for Carol - I have for years, but it's time for me to kind of step down and let someone else take over some of the things that are hard for me to do now. I will talk to her nurse, and as I told Dee, when I make the decision to tell Carol that I want to slow down, I want her nurse with me when I break the news, because Carol is prone to hysteria when she thinks someone is 'leaving' her and she will strike out - not remembering anything once she has calmed down. She has led such a torturous life it just breaks my heart! Hug! Laurie
Laurie, I would suggest that you be honest with her in explaining that your doctor has told you that you must slow down and take care of yourself. Explain that this does not mean that you are going to abandon her, but that her nurse has told you that she can find someone to help with taking Carol to her appointments. That will give you time to take care of you and then you can come over to visit her and the two of you can just have some fun together.....watching a funny movie, playing a game of cards or a board game or a computer game.
Hi Rachel - Thank you so much for responding to my post. I have gotten such wonderful advice from all of you and it really is helping me to make a tough decision. This is something I have to do now, because along with the Fibro, my knees have been in so much pain lately, and since I live in Nevada, when it's snowing and/or there is wet/cold weather, it really affects my Fibro, even if I am in that kind of weather for a few minutes and bundled up. It still affects the problems I have. You are right though, there are so many things she and I can do just for fun, while her nurse and another caretaker keep an eye on her. Hope all is well with you?? Hugs!! Laurie
Hi Laurie, wow your a great friend, I think everyone that’s commented thus far has given you really great advice I’m sure if you explain to her the way you have to us she will understand. Wish you and your friend all the best
Thanks for responding Mel. So far, all the advice I have been given has been wonderful and it is making it easier for me to come to a decision. It needs to be done and I will have Carol's nurse with me when the time comes that I need to tell Carol that I have to slow down. Laurie
Hi Laurie, you are amazing! I work with similar clients in my workplace. Compassion is a two edged sword, but compassion fatigue hurts everyone. I do what I can but have come to realize if I don’t take care of me I am prone to coming to resent the people I love so much and can begin to see them as ungrateful. I don’t believe they are ungrateful but that is what over stretching myself can make me feel. I think having the nurse there when you tell Carol is great, no one needs to do this alone and the nurse will be less emotionally involved and more objective. When you have told Carol and she has or has not reacted ask her to repeat what she thinks she heard you say, so you can correct any misunderstanding she may have taken from the discussion. One of the things I do with the people I work with, often what they think I have said is not what I actually said. Perhaps you might tell Carol the reason you need to do the less care taking is so that the two of you can enjoy quality time together having a coffee out once a week, going to a movie or perhaps going for a pampering hand spa together. So you are building a’new further together, something for you both to look forward to. You can never replace ot undo the damage of severe abuse Carol has suffered nor should you feel it’s your responsibility to, after all you never caused it. I understand your compassion for Carol, but you will never be able to right the wrongs of others. Carol may pull away for a while and worth thinking through how you may handle this. It’s part of the if you hurt me ( which may be how she perceives it) then I’ll hurt you back. I would say be prepared for this by setting up a next meeting for a coffee or the like and if she doesn’t show ringing her and saying something like, ’ when you didn’t come I thought you must have had something come up at the last minute. If that happens for you again could you ring or text me because with my own pain level, I have to conserve any unwanted energy expenditure’. So you are reinforcing the reason why you have needed to do what you have and you are also teaching her that her abandoning you without telling you is costly to you. This is also helping her with boundaries. I hope this is helpful for you. As at the beginning you are an amazing woman. Much love, Lynda
Hi Lynda - I have been a caretaker on and off for about 40 years now. It's not because I HAVE to take care of someone, it's because I care about them and know they need help. I held down a job as well. All that I have taken care of in my life were people I Ioved, there was never any monetary value attached to it. But these people paid me back in so many wonderful ways, such as a big smile on their face, telling me how much they value me, and so on.The fact that I could make their day a little better is what mattered to me. I understand what you are saying about the fact that Carol might resent me for a while and this is okay. I know this will happen. Also, at times, she acts and feels like a child. So anything she does doesn't surprise me and I don't take it personally. Laurie
I hope you didn’t think I meant you HAD to take care of someone in order to be. That was never my intention. I know what you mean by loving people and doing it from that place. Good that you are aware of how she operates, that always helps. Hugs.
Thanks for responding Lindy. Yes, I do it form the heart. My mother had had a stroke when she was only 32. She was a gorgeous looking woman, full of life, looking forward to the future. However, my Mom and Dad (he was a doctor) were married 40 years. Adored each other and from them, I learned to have empathy for those with chronic illnesses. They died 20 weeks apart, a real shock to me, but it's not unusual for couples to pass away within such a short of of each other. Some days, I miss them terribly. They have been gone for over 30 years now. I was in my 20's when I lost them. But I learned so much from them about love and cherishing each day that comes. Laurie