I jhave been used and taken advantage of. I am in horrible pain now - all over my body!

General
1

Hi everyone - what I am about to tell you is a long story - but I am going to do my best to summarize it so you all will have an idea what I have been up against. I had a very close girlfriend named Carol. I say I 'had' a girlfriend. I severed my relationship with her this evening. I feel a sense of relief. but also anger and sadness. I had been friends with Carol for many years. About 3 years ago, she got colon cancer and I helped her through that. She went into remission, and so far is doing well. As I got to know Carol, I found out that she is bi-polar and manic. She takes medicine to keep it under control, however I have seen her bi-polar a mania several times. Horrible thing to see. In the meantime, not only was I her friend but I also became her caretaker. I worked very closely with her nurse, Barb. Barb visits Carol every Tuesday - as Carol gets confused in getting her weekly meds together. One of the things Carol has told me is that she deplored people who drink and those that are Alcoholics. Well, about 5 months ago, I was downstairs, outside talking to a friend named Larry. He confessed to me that he buys liquor for Carol. Her drink of choice is Vodka. Apparently the WHOLE apartment building knows about it. One morning about 2 weeks ago, I was taking her to a doctor's appointment and I smelled alcohol on her breath. I asked her if she had been drinking and she said it was her mouthwash that I was smelling. What bull! I let it go - but it really bothered me. Well, for a few months now, I have been in touch with Carol's nurse, Barb and I told her that I needed to back away from Carol because she had way to many health problems for me to deal with. She is a very needy and an insecure person. I understood this, as she came from a horrible background of abuse from her parents who were alcoholics. Unfortunately, Carol was born with alcohol in her and I can only imagine what she must have gone through, being she was just a baby being born into the world. Her parents took her to an orphanage when she was 3 years old and completely abandoned her. I took her to all her doctors appointments, took her grocery shopping, and I was there for her whenever she needed me - even if it was in the middle of the night. She has an intense fear of me leaving her .She was getting too dependent on me and I guess this is my fault. I was getting really exhausted with all the problems that Carol had and it was affecting my Fibro big time!! For the past few months, I have been in close contact with Carol's nurse, Barb. I told her about how tired I was catering to all the needs of Carol. Carol also has the tendency to manipulate and get people to do the chores that she, herself is capable of doing. I, personally never fell for her 'poor me' thing and I encouraged her to do more things on her own. She was always resentful of this, knowing I was not going to cater to her with things that she can do on her own. Well, this coming Monday, Carol is supposed to have a Colonoscopy. and when you have this done, the doctor gives you a 'prep' package filled with pills and liquids to be sure the colon is clean on the date of the surgery. She needed to start tonight with the prep, which would start at 6pm. Well, at 5pm, I called her to remind her that I was coming over at 6pm. She has some memory loss at times. I called 4 times, letting the phone ring about 15 times - no answer. So now, I am scared, thinking that maybe she had fallen and hurt herself. I called my friend Cheri (who lives in the same building I do)and told her what was going on and that I couldn't get in touch with Carol., so Cherie went with me to Carol's apartment. I banged on her door several times and I could hear her dog, Sasha barking. After a few long minutes, Carol opened the door and she looked like hell! The second she opened the door, Cheri and I could smell a very strong vodka on her breath. So, I asked her has she had been drinking?? She shut the door in my face. After I got back to my place, I was so livid my hands were shaking and sure enough, right out of the blue, my Fibro hits me on the right side of my hip and it radiated down the front and back of my legs. Never felt this kind of pain.before, On a scale of 1 to10 - it was about a 30!! So I am trying to tell myself to calm down, but I also knew that Carol being drunk was the catalyst I needed to pull away from her as her caretaker and friend. I called her nurse, and said I was done with Carol. She didn't blame me as she has been after me to slow done. My problem is, that I love and care too deeply for people. I have gotten hurt in the past - and this is just another one on my list of those to stay away from. I did so much for her, you know?? I also did things for her at the expense my own illnesses. When I got home after seeing Carol, she called me 6 times, telling me I was rude and cruel and how dare I bring Cherie into the picture! I told her I brought Cherie with me because I was frightened of what might have happened to her and I needed some support just in case something was wrong. Well, that's my story. My hip and leg are useless right now and I am limping horribly, Hug! Jill

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Dear Laurie,

So many of us learn our lessons the hard way, but then some never do learn. So sorry you went through this, and paid the price of caring for someone who has deceived you. Time to take care of yourself and 'move on'.

I think most of us understand more than you know!

Sending love and hugs,

SK

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I created another discussion post apologizing that I signed my name Jill. This is my middle name and I have no idea why I did this. Could it be the Fibro??? Yes, I made a decision to pull away from Carol. she has horrible fears of abandonment. But I can't worry about this anymore. I am too busy trying to get through each day with my Fibro! Love, Laurie

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Hey, no problem, most of us have several names we go by!

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HELLO KIDDO, SOME OF US WEAR OUR HEART ON OUR SLEEVES. I KNOW, BEEN THEIR, DONE THAT.

JUST REMEMBER YOU HAVE TO COME FIRST NOT A FRIEND. OBIVIOUSLY, SHE DOES NOT CARE ENOUGH TO SHARE YOUR BURDENS!!! WE ALL HAVE TO ANSWER TO GOD, JUST REMEMBER NOT TO JUDGE ANYONE BUT, MOVE ON.

KEEP A STIFF UPPER LIP AND GO DO SOMETHING SPECIALY FOR YOURSEVEL.

I AM SO TIRED, I CAN SAY WHAT I REALLY MEAN BUT, THINK YOU KNOW WHERE I AM CONING FROM.

YOU FIRST AND EVERYONE LAST.

TAKE CARE ALWAYS MICKEY AND S.D. RUSH

6

Hi Laurie …it isn’t uncommon for most of us or a lot of us to either be in the medical. field or take on a care giver role. After all we really undetermined. boundaries are very important for us. We are to a degree medically fragile. The worse part of dealing with someone that is bi polar is tramatic their illness is awful. But you need to put yourself first and not feel guilt about doing so. Life lessons do help us grow.
We are here for you…but take care of you…blessings light and love.
Lindakay

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HI LindaKay - I agree with you. I need to put myself first. I always get wrapped up in someone else's illnesses and forget about myself. However, I don't do it as often as I used to! (Smile) Here it is 3am and my hip,knee and leg is hurting so badly. This flare-up occured after I made my decision not to take care of Carol anymore. I feel a sense of calm right now, but I am angry and saddened that this had to happen. For months I had been toying with the idea of pulling away and I finally did. Carol is going to need another caretaker - someone that can be there for her most of the day. She can be quite annoying at times and she has a sharp tongue when talking about other people. When she is suffering with Bi-polar, OMG!! she is so angry and aggressive. She claims to see bugs on the walls and on her carpet. Also her memory during the episode is lost completely. Carol has serious issues about abandonment and she has told me this many times. She completely falls apart if she feels she is being abandoned.. I know her well, and she will call me a dozen times, every day, begging me to help her out as a caretaker. Well, the answer will be, "NO" Love ,Laurie

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Hi Laurie,

I hope that you are feeling some better by now. I understand your decision to pull away from Carol and to put yourself first and I agree that you must put you first. I would ask you to consider this, though, as it may help you to not be so angry with her. I have many years experience working with people who suffer from a variety of mental illnesses and hope that you can benefit from my experience.

It sounds as though Carol is very ill and not always in control of her actions. There is a form of bipolar disorder (I can’t remember the name right off the top of my head- may be schizo-affective disorder) where the person will suffer paranoia, hallucinations, etc. also, her inability to take her medication correctly without assistance and her memory problems indicate to me that she is suffering from something more than just your “regular” bipolar disorder. Add to that that she is most probably drinking and you have a recipe for disaster as alcohol does not mix well with medications for bipolar disorder or any other type of mental illness.

There are many, many people all around us who suffer from bipolar disorder (and other mental illnesses) and you would never know it if they didn’t tell you as their illness is controlled by medication and they lead “normal” lives. However, there are also many people who have mental illnesses and their illness is not as well controlled by medication or not controlled at all. Such are the vagaries of mental illness and those who have a mental illness do not get to choose which type they have or whether to have it at all. And if Carol is drinking consistently, which is not unusual as many people with mental illness self medicate, then she is making her illness worse and/or, at the very least, negating the effect of her medication.

I am in no way saying that you should continue to be her friend or continue to help care for her, but I hope that having some more information will help you to better understand her situation and help to put you in a better place about it so that you are not feeling so angry and upset with her and then, hopefully, you will feel better physically.

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Laurie, sorry she upset you so much. I agree with your decision to put yourself first, and the stress she seems to be causing you is not going to help you.

I also agree with MBP. She has an illness of her own and may not be in control of her actions or her thought processes. (It sounds like she is wildly out of control, if she's drinking). I think you need to try to not take her behavior personally. It's hard to not be angry when we believe we are treated unfairly or taken advantage of or someone has been downright nasty and said things they shouldn't have. But it's entirely possible that she is as incapable of controlling her behavior as we are of completely getting rid of our pain.

My suggestion is to go ahead and let go of that "friendship", as it's causing you harm. But also try to understand that she has stuff going on that she probably has no control over and that her anger probably would have been aimed at whoever showed up at her door.

Best of luck. Hope you start feeling better.

Sharon

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Dear Laurie,

I can imagine the betrayal you are going through right now. It sounds like you formed a friendship with Carol based on mutual sharing, caring , and fun. A normal friendship if you ask me. But slowly her illness changed the person she is into someone quite different and since it happened slowly over the years, you could not see it all at once. It is like when a person you live with goes on a diet and everyone else can see the weight loss but you because you see her everyday. You sound like a caring woman with the best intentions but now see the reality. It is brave of you to sever ties. Many people will stay in bad relationships because they keep thinking that the person will revert back to who they were at some point in the past.

I think you need time to grieve. Try and not blame yourself or even her as he is obviously very ill. Don't add any guilt or shame on to yourself-you did your best and do not need more emotional baggage at this point. Perhaps write it out in a journal. It is a real loss, Laurie, so do not belittle it. Just know we have a tendency to attach negative emotions to a situation that is not our fault--guilt, shame, act...

Check out this website on the stages of grief.

http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/depression-grief

Treat yourself well during this time as your health needs to come first. I hope your leg pain gets better. Sounds like sciatic nerve pain. I am going through it right now. Horrible pains down the right leg and numbness in my foot.

* FYI My doc suggested I use my walker so I can better balance the weight between the two legs. It is important to walk some each day and not just rest and wait for the pain to go away. That is why the walker is good*

Hugs

Maria

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Laurie - Hey there. Here's an internet hug. You sounded like you could use one. Feel better now? ok, I have two simple little points as a response to your story. Do you believe that? Just two - not a novella (apparently, I'm getting a reputation for long messages here):

  1. In life, and particularly if you have FM, control the things you can and don't worry about the things you cannot control. Once you start adopting this philosophy, life becomes much easier.
  2. A person who is Bi-Polar (particularly when she is manic or worse, hyper-manic) is COMPLETELY egocentric (cough, cough, my mother, cough, cough). She is incapable of caring about your concerns or needs. So having bad fibro during a time when she is manic is an explosive combination that will only get better if she seeks treatment without using you to get it. During her manic periods she will be, as you have seen, very disturbing, frightening, threatening, or annoying. So, see step 1 - control the things you can and don't worry about the things you cannot control.

I sincerely wish you and your friend the best of luck. Bi-polar is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

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First Thing,,, Caring for someone and doing all you did is to be commended!! yOU WERE ONLY TRYING TO HELP A FRIEND IN NEED. It shows what a wonderful person is inside of you.

I realize your friend is messed up but her first mistake is in not appreciating the time you have spent helping her and not showing more respect for you .

I had a friend like that once ... I really tried but the no respect thing always got me down . She did terrible things to me.. So I finally decided to scrape that crap off my shoe and carry on..I did and do not look back as I put up with more than I should have. I feel that is about where you are . You will look back and think about her, but please know you did more than lots of others and you should be proud of yourself for this.

You only wanted the best for your friend as I did for mine.. Big Hugs cause this is hard to do but more important that you respect yourself and I think you are doing that. Good Job

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Ah heck, Laurie, I just lost a long replly I'd written to you, using one hand, no less.

I've also befriended bipolar people. They can be exhausting friends. One of mine started stalking David Letterman, another was married to a serial rapist (unbenown to me,) a third one had 3 kids out of wedlock and was angling for a 4th with no means of support, while a 4th broke into my computer and changed all of my passwords.

So, my point is that even while sober, they can do very challenging things. Add booze or drugs into the mix and things can become downright explosive. I found that it was too extreme of a situation for me to be in a friendship with these people because they had such a hard time knowing how to make reasonable choices.

I can truly feel a lot of sympathy for you, Carol, because all that you do for a bipolar friend might still not be enough, as in Carol's case. Maybe there never is enough for some people, meaning you never can fix them, no matter how hard you try. One thing I've learned late in life is to save my energy for those who want to be saved and wish the others a nice day while walking away from them.

I think that's pretty much how it is with you and Carol now and I don't think it's a bad thing. Carol has a nurse at her beck and call and is capable of doing more than she does. Meanwhile, you could end up aggravating your fibro so that it stays at a super intense level permanently because Carol and her drinking upset you so much. It's time for you to back away and take care of yourself. It's as simple as that. But I do sympathize with you. Just take it easy and take care of yourself. And stay out of the whirlwind that is Carol.

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Sorry you had to go through that with your friend.I went through it with my sister and law.Once my car died she called dds on us making up all these lies i almost lost my daughter the dds worked found it un founded that god for that.Then a week later i went to pick up my meds and my insurance was cancelled took me a week to get the straightened out bunch of crap.Sometimes it isnt worth being frieng with people with that havent been over there or spoke to her since.I told my daughter that we dont use that work in this house.Bad enough my gets worse everytime i have to walk to go somewhere.My right side wont stop bothering me.my stupid doctor says you always have pain and these meds dont work anymore i have tingling and numbness in my legs whats next.sometime life just sucks take care sherri

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ps she bipolar to so i know what your going through sherri

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I also had a friend who is bipolar. My advice is stay away! They can be wonderful friends one minute - caring loving fun and then boom you never know what will set them off. It was like walking on eggshells. I never knew what I would say or do and she would be her other self which was weird and quite scary. When she was like that you couldn’t do anything I would just have to leave. One time she accused me of stalking her another time accusing me of lying about something and wrote a ltr to my husband that I was vicious. Luckily she has moved to another state but she did email me at Christmas; I refuse to email her back. It’s over!!

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Aloha,

She sounds so much like my bipolar friend, "June" (made up name.) June was sweet as pie in the AM, then once she got some booze and pills into her in the PM, became a nasty monster. She'd say she was brilliant and I was dumb. I told her not to call me dumb again.

At one point, I went to visit her one day because she was super lonely. It was a 4 hour car trip in the freezing cold (even cold in the car.) That night, she made me sleep on a freezing cold air mattress, with no heat in the room. She had a nice sofa that I could at least have cuddled up on, with blankets to get warm, but she was a germaphobe and refused to let me sleep on the couch (or eat on any of her plates.)

The next day I wanted to leave and she was not happy. When I went home, I decided to unfriend her, so to speak, because she started getting nasty with no provocation. Once I told her we were finished, she got online and changed my passwords (I'd naively given them to her because she promised to help me with technical problems.) It was awful! I can so relate to everything you wrote, Aloha. I never knew what this girl would do next. And whatever it was, it wasn't something good.

I suspect that you have your "Carol" stories too, Laurie. Whatever they are, you are better off without them at this point. You can see that the friendship wasn't working the way it was, and she was unwilling to change. Consider yourself fortunate to be done with it and hopefully move on without too much pain.

18

I am the same way....I care so much for others. I used to put everyone else before myself. It is not worth it. This may sound crude but it just isn't worth it in my opinion. I would just let her know, maybe state it in a letter, that you would like to help her when you are able to but if she is not willing to help herself neither of you will get anywhere. AND remind her that you have to do what is in your best interest because you suffer from a sometimes debilitating disease. She sounds like she needs more help than you can provide for her. She needs professionals in her life.

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Laurie, so sorry, but you can only do so much. Hugs.

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HI Pet = I am glad that you put "June" aside and moved on. I have had friends in the past that did or said something to me, that were not true and it hurt me deeply. The email that I sent to the group about Carol actually was very good for me to do. I felt better after I finished it. When I was 17, my grandmother, Carrie, told me something that turned out to be true. I was staying with her for a weekend - which I loved to do, but I was upset because a girlfriend of mine who loved to gossip about anybody and everybody said some very cruel thing about one of my classmates. It was a boy, named Nicky, and he had cerebral palsy (did I spell this right???). Nicky was such a sweetheart, very smart and just had that kind of personality that drew everyone to him. Well, My friend made fun of him. I can't repeat it here because it was so darrn degrading and awful. Well, I told My Grandmother about it, because I needed some feedback from her as to what to do with my friend. Of course she told me to get rid of her. Then she said to me, ''Out of all the friends you will make in your lifetime, when you get to my age (she was in her 60s), if you can count two friends that are still with you, then they are the real gems!" I was only 17 then, but I must've put it in the back of my mind, because when I got into my late 20's and was having trouble with a friend of mine, I suddenly remembered what she said, and she is right! I have 3 great friends that I have known for over 50 years and that's all I need!! Hugs! Laurie