The Unthinkable

With no where else to turn, and nobody to talk to or that would understand....I turn to you all for help dealing with these emotions I can't seem to get control of.

My fiancee decided that I'd be better off without her. Over the last few months of our relationship, she became the meanest person I knew. I fought to keep her, I fought to make her/us happy. I stood with her and intended to stay with her no matter what happened, no matter how long it took, we were in love after all....RIGHT?? I thought so....I know so. I know I still love her so deeply that if she walked in my door right now, I'd toss the keyboard and have her in my arms before it hit the floor...don't I wish. She'd say things to me that would have made me turn and walk away from ANY other person in the world...either that or punch them in the face. She'd say things and expect me to hate her and say something mean back...all I could do is look at her and ask her " What did I do to deserve that?" And usually she would just cry and I'd hold her because I wanted sooooo bad to take this stupid fucking pain from her so she'd stop pushing me away and realize that I was in love with her STILL, and she didn't have to push me away to "protect" me or "save me" from a life with her. I'm in more pain than ANY of you can fathom, because I STILL love her, and I know she STILL loves me. I am miserable without her in my life. I hate her for what she did to me, yet at the same time I love her for doing what she thinks is the right thing. But DAMN IT CARLY....LETTING ME GO DIDNT SAVE ME FROM A LIFE OF HEARTACHE WITH YOU.....I'd rather have my heart ache, than to know what it feels like to have it turned to dust. YOU LEFT ME to save yourself from being left BY me. I WASN'T GOING ANYWHERE BABY....STILL NOT GOING ANYWHERE. I can't. So PLEASE...TO ALL of you with FM, or those that are in love with someone with FM.....how the hell do I cope with a loss like this??? Loving someone that won't let me. I know where she is, with her parents...only a 15 minute drive. But she has changed her phone number, email, facebook "blocked", and prett much erased me from her life...yet when we met at the bank Friday to close accounts....we stood in the parking lot for 2 hours holding each other and crying our eyes out......just holding each other for dear life. I was late to work, we stood there so long. I didn't want to go, and neither did she, but she did...and won't see me anymore...I called the number I have for her parents and she answered. I asked her if she wanted to try some more and she said she loves me too much to try anymore and that she can't be the one to keep making me cry. Well I haven't stopped crying since FRIDAY... and I am hurting SO bad. Advice PLEASE.......ANYONE. Thanks

Oh Dear Chances Chance, my heart aches for you and Carly. It's pretty hard to give advice. But I wonder if given some time, Carly will realise that what the two of you had.......and still can have.........is so very rare........that the love of you for her is what she needs to live.....to survive.

It is my prayer that somehow Carly will learn to talk to you about how she feels trying to deal with this illness, that she will stop being mean to you and to herself.

One thing I do know and that is that stress causes widespread debilitating pain. So, the mean things she says to you and does to you are really making her feel worse.

It sounds like she feels that she is not worthy of your love. Well, who says that you have to be worthy of another person's love. Love happens between two people not because of any ideal. The truth of love is in how it is lived day by day, through the good times as well as the bad times.

I just wonder if given some time apart, some time for Carly to really realise what she has done, that she has thrown away the love of a man whose only desire is to live his life with her no matter what. Here is where it gets dicey. If you give her some time......will she then be more open to talking with you. Or will she just tell herself that you really didn't care about her. OR if you keep trying to show her that you still love her by writing her letters. The reason I say this is that she has blocked you any other way. Besides a letter is something that is concrete.....something that she can read over and over. From the behaviour of both of you Friday it seems obvious that you both love each other. The problem lies with Carly because she is the person with the chronic illnesses. Chronic means it is not going away. But that does not mean she is not worthy of your love. I'm trying to think how I would be in that position. I think I would want you to persue me until I finally got it into my head that you of your free will still wanted me........and being without you was like I had lost half of myself.

I hope this helps. In the final analysis, you need to decide how to make the next step.......and when to make it. I think you already know what you are going to do.

What a guy you are!!! I am so glad that you felt that you could vent here. We are here to listen and to care. Please remember that. And please keep us updated.

Gentle hugs

Rachel

I wanted to message your privately but I can't. It sounds like she needs to do this for herself. She knows she was hurting you with her words and everything, and she didn't want to live with that. I would suggest giving her some time before calling again. Imagine the pain she was living with knowing she was hurting someone she loves. Let her have some breathing time to sort out perhaps why she was doing that.

And use that time to sort out why you wouldn't stand up for yourself. Just because you love someone deeply doesn't mean you need to take their abuse. If it's been in the last few months then something changed... do some soul searching and see if you can figure out what.

If you're meant to be together it will happen, but don't start a life together before you both know what you're feeling inside. <3

Wow what a horrible story i had a boyfriend who left me before i found out i had fibro all he knew was something always seemed to be wrong with me. I would give anything to have someone to love me like u love her and i think she will realize that very fast. Dont give up i think a little time away as hard as it might b just might b what she needs to realize that u r a very special man who loves her. I wont lie this disease can be very horrible at times and with out finding the right meds to help with the pain it can be even worse if she wasnt before i would very highly suggest therapy for her it really helps. at first i was very close minded about it but seeing a therapist every week is something that helps me alot and with Carly it might just b what she needs to help her cope with this disease. If u can try talking to her parents if u cant talk to her make sure she knows u still love her and want to be with her and help her. And i agree that letters might b a Great way to let her know u r there when she is ready to come back. Good luck and best wishes i hope it works out that she comes back soon. Also if u havent already do research on fibro so u can kinda have an idea of what she is going through every day i dont think anyone who doesnt suffer from fm can truely know what we go through but knowing as much as u can about fibro will help.

I am so very sorry you are hurting and sorry this has happened in both your lives.

People are attracted to one another, fall in love with one another and stay together for various reasons. Some of which are love and some of which are a need of some type. Regardless its super hard when one wants to walk away and the other never wants that to happen.

My thoughts as a human being are, I don't want anyone to be with me that does not want to be there. Sometimes people become unhappy, the move on to other things and the partner does not. Sometimes they grow out of a relationship or become tired of it. Whatever the reasons if they are not happy, they should not be in it. Because each day will become more unhappy and resentful and say and do things that can never be forgotten in one's mind.

If you did or had the opportunity to actually sit down with no emtions involved and talk with her, what would she really say. What would be the reasons she no longer wants to be in your life. You might start making a list of even tiny things that annoyed her. Oh make one for you too, we annoy one another.

The main thing you can do is respect this person. She made a decision and acted on it and reqests your respect. So no matter how bad you are hurt inside, she does not want you coming after her or finding her. She knows where you are and if she wishes to change the situation, she can find you.

I am seeing one thing that you said.... "She said she ca't be the one to keep making you cry." So she is very upset over your crying because of her, right? Something is very wrong, people that are in love, don't cry all the time for the other, they live and enjoy even if they are sick. Do you see?

I also hear you desperate. I am so sorry, I know exactly how you feel... I have been there myself. I let my relationship go because we are not supposed to be despirate for one another. That is not love, that is need. There are groups of emotions and relationship groups... I attended a divorce one that was very good... regardless of your status, attending a group where each person shares their feelings when there is a breakup like this, really does help - and helps you to see reality from behind your heart.

The only thing that might save you since she changed her phone, email, facebook blocked, etc. is to go to a counselor together and fix what is broken. Fix the reason that she really left. You might not even be able to see it. Sometimes wanting to be together for the wrong reasons is just not enough.

It sure can hurt the heart deeply. I will pray for your peace and hope things change for you soon.

Hopabout

I am so sorry this has happened to you. You are a remarkable man to love Carly so much. I have fibro and like the other patients, live with the constant pain. I am seeing a man who despite being almost 63 is very active and fit (I'm 65). Like Carly, there have been occasions when I told him that he would be better off without me; that he should date a woman who is healthy and physically fit. Do I love him? Yes. But I also feel guilty because I feel as though I keep him from some of the activities in which he would like to participate. Or if we go somewhere, even for a walk, I slow him down and have to rest intermittently.

I'm not saying Carly was right or wrong; only that I understand what it's like to feel you are not what the other person deserves, even though you love them.

My boyfriend tells me that he loves me and encourages me to get help. He never shows the least annoyance that I'm a lot slower than he is. He just hates seeing me in pain and having no energy. With his encouragement I have finally made a follow up appointment with a wonderful rheumatologist I saw last year. The medication he put me on helps but makes me very sleepy, so I'm hoping there may be something else available.

I hope you and Carly can work things out. There aren't many out there like you! My prayers are with you both.

Maria

We all mourn in our own ways. It sounds like Carly is mourning the person she used to be. She feels she is inflicting this "Damaged" person in her eyes upon you. All I can suggest is to give her some time. If you do intend to try to convince her to make another go of it. I would recommend counseling like a therapist or paster to help understand the issues and possibly move on either together or apart.

My husband pushed me away pretty hard for almost a year after he developed serious memory issues caused by Transient Epileptic Amnesia. He was forced into disability at 59 and having worked since he was 14. He felt useless. He went through serious depression. He is doing better now. We are doing better. But we've been married for 35 years and its different for everyone.

I'm sorry the two of you are going through this. My thoughts and prayers are with the two of you.

I am going through a similar thing but from the other side. I have told my husband that it may be time for us to split up. it is hard and painful but I feel that it's the only fair thing to do in our situation.

He is 20 years younger then me and knew I was sick when we met but neither of us realised how bad I would get. I took forever out of our vows and told him that if I ever got really bad that he could leave. I have got really bad. it affects our relationship in every way.

I want what is best for him and living this half life with me isn't it. I know how much you must be hurting and having been hurt badly in the past I know how painful it is. this is even worse for you and I because our partners and us still love each other. I now how bad I feel about what this illness is doing to us and feel guilty that I can't give him a better life but our situation is different to yours because of our ages. I understand how both of you feel.

He still loves me and doesn't want to split up but on the other hand he can't stand to see me getting worse so he is totally torn. it is just so hard. Hippie1 is right about grieving. We do grieve for the person we were and want to be again knowing we wont. it is a very difficult process.

I truly hope for you that it works out. I don't think ours will. Will keep you in my thoughts.

Caroline xx

First off, I'm terribly sorry about the ending of your relationship. Like you, I got left by someone I loved dearly. I didn't want it to end and wanted to work to make things right. But the thing is, you can't keep a relationship alive if the other person is no longer willing. It's very much like part of you died, and it did - the bond you shared with your girlfriend. Once that person is done with the relationship, the bond has been broken. It hurts horribly and you feel terrible...but it is over. It's normal to feel remorse, anger, hurt, sorrow, grief...and it's normal to grieve the loss of a relationship. That's where you are right now. And it's okay to feel like you do. You're not going to want to let go, and that's normal. But as the days and weeks pass, you'll become accustomed to living your new life. One door has closed in order to allow a new one to open. And that new door may well include someone incredibly special for you. You can't change how things are but you can grow from the situation and experience new people and things. All of my words will sound crazy and unwanted right now but they will resonate with you in a few months time.

I wish you all of the best. You can make it through these next few rough weeks. I think that probably most of us have experienced exactly what you're going through and had to find a path that kept us feeling whole and good and strong. You will too.

Gentle hugs to you.