My ex left me last weekend because I complain too much and a few other reasons. He wants to be friends and says we lost that part of the relationship and maybe someday we can try again. Well throughout the course of the week, I have seen him three times since and the last time, he was so confused and upset and missed me and what not but says he needs this right now. Then he asks if its ok to leave me messages and then doesn't. I am used to talking to him everyday either in person, trhough text, or video chat and it's all been forgotten. My fibromyalgia has flared up horribly from the stress. I can't sleep, eat or even get out of bed. I am feeling really alone right now since my family doesn't want to hear about him or my pain and I have no close friends to talk to about any of this, I need advice! I was thinking of going out tonight, even though I'm in a lot of pain, but I will probably run in to him and I am not sure if thas a good idea. This illness has been very hard for me to handle and I really burdened him with it :(.
Hon,
If he really loves you, he would be by your side. That makes me mad when someone only thinks of themselves!!
He is afraid... because it is something out of his control.. and he can't fix it... my husband was the same way.. for a few years... I finally told him--- I don't want you to fix it.. just be there when I need you... just understand what I am going through. I don't want pity... just empathy.... Do you know what I mean?
Give him some time, he has to sort out his feelings... and when you have time.. really listen to him.. it will help both of you come to terms with your fibro...
Hope this helps...
With gentle hugggs....
Karen
Thank you! He works at a place where he deals with 80-90 different people a day and their problems and then would come home and I would just keep complaining. I don't blame just him but at the same time, I needed someone to vent to. Like you said, I dont want him to fix it, just have some empathy. The hard part is he is disabled too. I am hoping that with this site I can get some enocouragement when I am having a hard time and maybe I won't complain so much to my family and him (if he still is around). He told me he was afraid because he can't do anything for me. I am hoping he will come around and I can try again. This is how my ex fiance and I broke up as well and I need to fix this problem. Thank you for your support :)
You are welcome hon... if you need to chat... let me know.. we can add each other as friends... this site has helped me soooo much.. especially to sort out my own feelings.... I was diagnosed with Fibro quite a few years ago... but last year in October -- i got hit with another whammie.. I have Psoriatric Arthritis too.... so I sure know where you are coming from..... hope to chat soon..
Hugggs
Karen
HI Eng, it takes a very special person to be by our side… If he is not sure, give him some space, the last thing we need is someone that can’t support us. If he loves you, and can’t imagine his life without you… It can be worked out. If he don’t want to fight for the relationship… Then if you like, take the friendship card and just know that there is someone that will love you as you are.
Any break up is hard, but for us, the stress of this can be debilitating !!
Be good to your self, take it slow, find someway to de-stress… That’s so important for our well being ! A hot bath, a massage, yoga, meditation…
We are here for you ! Stay connected, send out friend requests the support here is soooo helpful !!
Hugs & blessings
dee
Hi
I am on my own so have no one to vent to, try venting in your diary, or ring a friend or alternate friends and vent or write to this group, or make a video or tape, record your thoughts and then play it back. Strange but I felt better when I did this. It’s personal and private and works! have a go. Good Luck Barb
I was thinking of trying yoga next week. Funny though, I tried a few basic poses on my own and felt so weak and tired I couldn't continue. I thought maybe going somewhere where there is someone to guide me through it would be more helpful. Ahhh! lol...thank you for the response though. It is very hard to give that space but I am trying!
I tried doing an online diary, just opened a MS word document and began typing. But then, that began to hurt more lol..is there no winning? I like the video thing though. I may give that a try :).Thank you!
I know eactly how you feel. About two months ago my ex decided that he was putting me before school and that he didn't know how to handle a relationship and college. He was my biggest support and had always been there for me and claimed he was never bothered by my health. Well we are friends with another couple, Emily and Issac and after he broke up my friend Emily called me and said that apparently she found out that my ex had mentioned to her boyfriend a while back that he wanted to break up but didn't want to hurt me because of how sick I am and that I complain too much about my health. Well of course I asked my ex about this but he denied it. I believe that he denied it because he was trying not to hurt me more but since the day before he broke up with me we were completely happy and I never saw it coming. HE said that maybe a few years down the road after he has completed a year or two of grad school maybe we could get back together and that he still wanted to be friends.
We spent everyday together and would take turns spending the night at each other's places. When I told people that knew us that he broke up with me everyone was stunned. For the first month I couldn't eat, constantly cried, and thought my life was over.
About the three weeks after we broke up he did tell me that he wasn't completely over me but that he had no romantic feelings for me and that told me obviously I didn't mean as much to him as I thought I did.
I promise you it get's easier as time goes on. I told him I refuse to just wait sround for a few years hoping that maybe we will get back together.
I actually started talking to this guy and he seems much more mature and in the same place in his life that I am and that my health issues won't be a problem. When we first started talking his response to all my health issues was actually he was so impressed and amazed on how I deal with everything and that he thinks I am an amazing woman.
First of all, thank you for your response! The guy that you are talking to now was like my ex too. He told me he admired me and thought that I was very strong. I have to admit, as I got more comfortable and closer, I started to complain more. I feel so confused about everything. I am the kind of person who is alone and has no close friends because I push them away. I always feel like I can't do what they can do. This guy was in a wheel chair and has no legs and honestly I never saw him like that but did realize that it would be difficult with my illness. In some ways we could relate, both having limitations. But I always felt like he had it worse and in his defense I always felt it was about me...of course now that he has broken up with me, it's too late. I don't know how to get past doing this to people. I am typically not a selfish person but when I think back to that I feel like I was being that way. He means the world to me and if you or anyone has any suggeestions on how I can let him know that I can change my complaining ( one reason why I joined this site) it would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you, everyone, who has helped me think this through. :)
<3
Hi engpro,
Someone here had a very good idea when they stated that she and her other half set a day or evening aside as a date, and during that time, no talking of illness is allowed. Sorry I cannot remember who this was, but I thank you for posting it, please step forward and take credit for this.
There is only so much 'pain and sickness' talk that they can listen to, or it drives them away in one way or another. It is very difficult to convincingly act as though you're on top of the world when you are actually in intractable pain, but I guess we are as capable of winning an oscar as the next!
I would take care not to run into him, give him the time he requests, don't make him feel as though you are tracking him down, I really don't think it will help matters right now. Just my opinion on the matter.
I am very sorry this has happened, but better he do this now, than wait until you are married with children to do it. We're all here for you. I'm so glad that you found us when you did!
Please know that I say this to you in the very kindest way. I hope that you can find a Doctor who can offer you some substantial relief. If you have not yet gone to a Rheumatologist, please make sure that you do, I always feel that they are our very best hope of feeling our best.
Love and hugs,
SK
Hi engprof84, I hesitated in answering this post, because I do think a bit differently. Our being sick definitely affects our mates too and while we look at our future being different so do they. While we get frustrated with it so do they, partially because there is nothing they can do to fix it.
My husband has a major heart problem, but gets tired of people trying to Molly coddle him. He looked after me for over 2 years when I was very sick, part of that was 6 months sitting by my side in the hospital.
I never complain to my friends or family about fibro, They know if I cancel something it’s because I’m not well, know not to call me before 10 am etc. However he was closer and I often complained to him that I hurt too much etc. , or I was so tired. After a while I realized that he knew when I was having a bad days, he did more around the house, would encourage me to have a nap while he went out and did errands, or drag me out of the house to go for a drive. He didn’t need to hear me saying it, I also learned I had to be more supportive of him and how he was feeling. Sometimes I have to stop myself from complaining and Respect him because he has difficulties as well but never complains about it. It took me a long time to get to this point.
Finding this site was great, because it gave me an opportunity to vent if I needed to, realize there are a lot of positive people who suffer more than I do, know that there were people who understood what I was going through and hopefully occasionally can help others.
I would suggest that you give him some space, if he wants to be friends, do the types of things friends do ( meet for coffee, have him over for dinner, go to a show, laugh and have fun) open up lines of communication, spend more time talking about his interests and through your actions show him that he means the world to you and you are changing. This doesn’t mean you can’t talk about your illness, just refocus the relationship. In the meantime, on good days don’t stay home doing nothing, you have a life you need to live. As Dee said treat yourself well, go for a massage, go to a yoga class, meditate, get a manicure and pedicure or anything else that gives you pleasure. You may also want to see if there is a fibromyalgia support group meeting where you live.
I’m not a relationship counselor, these are only my thoughts and opinions, only you know if this type of action will help your relationship. I hope that everything turns out the way you want it to.
Now that you’ve joined this forum you have lots of friends as close as your computer.
Gentle Hugs, B2chi
B2chi is exactly right, only you know how things are with the two of you, so please if any of us has said anything that is not quite right, please just disregard it, and know that it was advice given with our very best intention, with a kind and caring heart!
Thank you for your reply. First of all, we no longer have a support group in my area and I was going to it for a few months but no one was showing up except 3 of us lol...so they stopped it. That's what he wants, time to think and sort out his own issues as well and then be friends and see what happens. Honestly, I think the damage is already done, I think he doesn't want to hurt me and blame it on my illness so this is his approach? I am giving him his space but he still has not contacted me at all. He said he wants me to be a part of his life but then doesn't talk to me. I honestly think that this is affecting my fibro more than if he just said he didn't want to see me again. I miss him, he was my best friend (even though he said he felt like we weren't friends anymore, one reason why he left). I'm hoping it all works out, just to try again, knowing that I need to fix this complaining stuff. A big fear of mine is that living in a small town, still having to live with my parents becuase I cannot work full time to support myself, I don't know how to meet more people. I keep fearing that no one will ever want someone with what I have. In that aspect, it's prob why he left. I was beginning to think like that and I was pushing him away. I'm trying really hard not to feel sorry for myself but I guess sometimes you just can't control it. I do appreciate your advice. :)
Engprof84
Ps. B2chi, you have a great husband by the sounds of it. Wish you guys the best :)
After my last car accident, which seemed to kick up all of the autoimmune, I fell apart emotionally. I turned the corner between well, and never again able to get well in seconds. I worked with a psychologist for about 2 years, she got me back behind the wheel of a car, helped me with chronic pain and other issues that just came flooding in. Her practice promoted resiliency, and it really did make me more resilient.
It's an idea I wanted to throw out there for everyone.
engpro, I hope that you are having a good day. Even though we could never hope to replace a boyfriend, we are all here for you! We are very glad to have you with us!
Hugs,
SK
Engpro, I am so sorry you are going through this. First of all, you are not a burden. You are a wonderfully created woman. You have a lot to give to this gentleman or another some day.
I often struggle with what I'm suppose to be doing now. My life was so full, things were so good for so long. Then I was struck down just like the others on this board. It's hard lying there and processing all of this mentally. We are so excited to see our significant others walk through the door because they listen and help and advise. It gives us relief to be able to talk to someone.
That said, I am in total agreement with B2chi. We need to learn to let our spouses have a break from our discomfort. It's as difficult for them as it is for us. They love us and don't know what to do with our pain. They feel helpless. My husband is beginning to have some "structural" health problems. Tendonitis, back pain, he smashed his fingers the other day. He hurts all the time now too. He never complains. That's the way most men are. But, I think we can take a lesson from them. I'm learning through him to hold back some of my complaints. I asked him once if he could tell when I was having a really bad day, or would he like me to tell him? He told me he could tell. That was a good thing for me to know, because I felt like I'd turned into a broken record. He works all day and I don't. I did, but I don't now. Yes, there are days that something comes up that I need to talk to him.
I love the idea of setting aside time for a date where you are free from talking about the fog, pain, memory loss, etc. That sounds so healthy. I have found these boards a great place to vent. Some days I can barely get off of here to go to bed.
I have burned out friends. They don't know what to say when they see me coming. I don't blame them. I have had friends like me. It's a difficult relationship at best. I'm trying to get better.
You're probably hurting more right now because of the added stress. Maybe reading some of the posts on here will help with that. I know it does me. Take a hot bath with epsom salts. I like to add a little lavender oil (for relaxing) and baking soda (for inflammation) in the bath too. It's restful. Put on some of your favorite calming music or just some music you like. It lifts your spirits.
Don't feel judged. We all walk the same walk on here. Hopefully we can help each other with ideas and caring about each other.
You are a valuable woman. Take care of yourself. Go to a rheumagologist, like SK suggested. Get on some good meds that help you one day at a time. Start some more discussions on here, to have something to do.
God Bless and lots of hugs,
Laura
Hi engpro, yes he’s a pretty special guy Like every relationship we have our moments, but it helps that we’re best friends as well. I think there are lots of them out there you just need to look past the surface sometimes. Thanks for your good wishes. 