Sadness = Stress = Flare

Support
1

I have battled depression for most of my adult life. It sucks. It sucks even more when I sit in my car for thirty minutes and cry. Cry about mistakes I have made. Cry about not being able to achieve my dreams. Cry because I just want to run away from everything I have right now and become a new person. I just want out. I want out of my ridiculous body. I want out of all of it.

But I think that stress magnifies my depression and makes me think things are worse then they actually are. On top of it, I don't have friends. I have pretty much isolated myself from people, insulated myself from becoming friends with anyone. I have no one to talk to on a regular basis. And I am not strong enough to reach out and meet new people. I don't know what happened. I use to have lots of friends. I use to have people I could call and be able to let off some steam. Within the last 15 years, I ignored invitations.

The therapist I currently see says we should really look at social anxiety. I hate my life. I hate the way it has turned out. I hate the way my mind and my mental status has really screwed everything up. I hate thinking and thinking about conversations I have had, reminding myself that I am a social failure.

I don't mean to be such a Debbie Downer, but I am really low right now.

I have three great kids. A wonderful husband. Supportive parents and a terrific sister. I know people, but the deepest I go with the relationship is how my kids are involved with their kids. I don't tell people I have fibromyalgia. I don't want to be judged or pitied or second guessed. I don't let people know that I am hurting in all sorts of ways. I don't let anyone in. No one.

So here I am, allowing all of these "strangers" in. I am letting you in because you partially know what I am going through, especially on the fibro side of things.

I just want to have a break. Have a break from all of this. I want to be able to just rest my brain. I want to go into a rehab facility so that I can just rest. I don't feel like I can ever rest.

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I too have struggled with depression my whole life! I too have no friends near me. I too have great children & a terrific sis! I am known as either my Sons' Mom or my Daughters' Mom, I have no identity of my own. I have been having a rough patch the past 8wks. My beloved dog became an Angel, I have had one Hell of a fibro flare up I thot for certain I was gonna die from the pain! The citys' drainage pipe that connects to the house is frozen, has been for 8wks, I have had to wash ALL of the dirty dishes in the bathtub! & I don't care who knows that I have fibro, I don't care if they believe me or not! & Oh God, the thots that race thru my mind are sometimes ............. I take my Meds & get thru one day at a time.

It is SAFE, HERE!

& if you need to talk to a human being call the hot line, try one of us that are online on this site, some of us can only read & silently pray for us, but then there are those of us who can talk to you, cry with you, vent with you, let you vent.... We are here, (I kind of feel like a Who at this moment) You are more than welcome to come here & vent, We, your fellow sisters & brothers of this interesting world of fibro are here! M.

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Hello GMHaag, and thank you for joining our group. You pain is very evident in your letter. I am guessing that maybe your fibro pain is not being managed well by a doctor. I might be wrong on that but I think not. If that is the case, you have the right to go back and get better treatment. Fibro is bad, yes, but the meds do help to take the edge off. It really sounds like the edge has not been taken off for you, which would be extremely difficult to handle.

I think that it's perfectly normal when we reach middle age to reflect upon our past and magnify mistakes and choices not taken. We realize that time truly is running out. And what do we have to show for it? But at the end of the day, we have to be able to take a step away from that place and cut ourselves some slack. Yes, I never had the second child I so desperately wanted but I did have a great son. I didn't live out my dreams but I did write a book. See what I mean? Find the positives that are out there in your life. You have lived and unless you were a terrible person, you have positives in your life that you created on your own. Life is a mixture of bittersweet: we don't get everything that we wanted in life. But, like the Rolling Stones say, we get what we need. And we do learn to make do.

You should feel some relief to know that recent research shows that the agent that causes fibromyalgia also affects our minds so that we get depression and anxiety. Ask any fibro sufferer, and I can guarantee that depression is present, and most likely anxiety too. But it's not even our fault! It's the agent that causes fibro.

You know, I have to say that you are very honest with yourself about yourself. Halfway, at least. You can look into the proverbial mirror and see every single fault you have. But you're missing the good traits you also have. So maybe eventually you can train your honesty to allow in the notion that you are capable of doing good things too. It will take some work to give yourself permission to be okay with allowing in the good stuff. You're probably pretty well trained at accepting all of the bad stuff that the fibro has thrown at you. Well, there's one good trait of yours already: You're resilient. You have seen the bad stuff and acknowledged that it's there and have gone on to write about it. That DOES take resilience, you know. There are people who would have quit by now. But you haven't.

It's ok if you don't want to share your stuff with other people. But I think eventually you might want to. If you continue to open up here, you'll feel more normalized again, because we are real people talking to you. You took the risk and it paid off!

I'm sorry but my stupid arms are getting tired from all of the typing. You know, the fibro kicking it. Lovely beast that it is.

Hon, if you're really feeling like you just can't go on anymore, please call these people: 1-800-273-TALK because they are way more trained to handle depression, etc. than we are. We can sure affirm your existence here though!

Again, welcome and thank you for joining us. It is wonderful to hear a new voice among us.

Hugs,

Pet

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Oh hun, believe me, I totally understand what you are going through. I have fibro (recently diagnosed), and I suffer from anxiety, panic attacks and depression-all so bad that I have been on disability since 10/15/13. It's so bad that I am applying for Social Security Disability.

I know the feeling of wanting a break. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed that I would give darn near ANYTHING (except for my son and my dog-although sometimes I'd give up my teenager too!) just to have a short break from all of it. Just one day, one hour, even one minute just to feel like myself again! Just to be "normal". But I know that it won't happen. And that's a hard thing to accept. Somehow, some way, I have to accept my new "normal".

Which is why I joined this site. I am praying that I find people who understand what I am going through and accept me for who I am.

Please, please, please understand that you are NOT alone! There are people who care (even if those people are unseen-such as those of us in this group). I don't know you; you don't know me. BUT I CARE! Feel free to message me ANYTIME! I will be here for you...as I am sure that others will be too! If you ever need an ear or a shoulder, please feel free to message me.

The point of my message...YOU ARE NOT ALONE! We are here to help!

xxx,

Christin

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Hi there jmhaag,and welcome.

As I was reading your post,I was thinking to myself,"Wow...I could've written this." Your situation mirrors mine exactly.

I turned 40 last November,I've let pretty much all of my friends go over the years because of my depression and anxiety.I've become extremely defensive because I've been spending the last 10 years of my life making lame excuses as to why I can't do anything and feel like I have MENTAL CASE stamped across my forehead. I have an 11yr old daughter ,who I would give my life for,and a man that loves me and supports me and doesn't judge.We've been living together for close to 7yrs now,but we're not married.(Got burned too bad the 1st time around).So I refer to him as my hubby because i feel like after all this time,"boyfriend',sounds a bit silly.

I also was just diagnosed on March 6th and it's been quite a rough ride.It seems like my symptoms have intensified since then and I can't figure out if the stress in my family life has caused it,or the stress of being diagnosed...maybe it's because i'm not trying to ignore them now,and they're rearing their ugly heads...I don't know,but I'm in bad shape. I would've written in last night because I was such a mess,I wanted to so bad but was just too exhausted to think straight and my hands were hurting too bad to type.

The reality of this disease hit me so hard last nigh that I had a total meltdown. In bed,bawling my eyes out because I had so much anger and rage,it totally overwhelmed me. My hubby laid down with me and held me as the flood of emotion spilled out. I was shaking and bawling as I purged this beast that's been choking me for the last few days. It was the 1st time since my diagnosis that I put words on the pain I had been holding inside.If my feet didn't hurt so bad I would have been stomping them on the floor like a little kid having a temper tantrum,shaking my fists up at the universe...WHY?WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS!!!!??? I FEEL TOTALLY RIPPED OFF.AM I FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF?...YES I AM!!! I DESERVE TO EXPRESS MY SADNESS....THIS IS HOW I FEEL AND IT HAS TO COME OUT!! I HATE LIVING IN THIS BODY...IT'S LET ME DOWN!!! I DON'T RECOGNIZE THE REFLECTION IN THE MIRROR,I'VE COMPLETELY LOST WHO I USE TO BE!!! I DON'T WANT MY DAUGHTER TO LOOK BACK AND REMEMBER NOTHING BUT MOMMY BEING SICK ALL THE TIME. IN BED OR ON THE COUCH.NOBODY UNDERSTANDS THE FEAR AND WHY I RESERVE EVERY OUNCE IF MY ENERGY FOR HER. ENOUGH TIME HAS BEEN TAKEN ALREADY....NOW THIS??? NOW I HAVE ANOTHER STAMP ON MY HEAD? ANOTHER STAMP SAYING FIBROMYALGIA...SERIOUSLY...ANOTHER ILLNESS THAT NO ONE UNDERSTANDS??? YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!! AS IF MY SELF-ESTEEM WASN'T BAD ENOUGH ALREADY...I'M SO ANGRY!!! NOBODY UNDERSTANDS THE PAIN OF HAVING GAPS MISSING FROM MEMORY...NOT BEING ABLE TO LOOK AT PHOTOS OF MY DAUGHTER WITHOUT HAVING THE PAIN OF NOT BEING ABLE TO REMEMBER WHAT WAS HAPPENING AT THAT TIME AND NOT FEELING THE JOY THAT SHOULD COMES WITH THOSE MEMORIES...THE BLACK CLOUD THAT STICKS TO EVERYTHING. WHAT I REMEMBER IS BEING TAKEN AWAY FROM HER FOR LONG PERIODS OF TIME BECAUSE I HAD TO BE ADMITTED FOR DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY. ENDURING ROUNDS OF SHOCK TREATMENTS,LOSING PRECIOUS MEMORIES AND FEELING SO LOST. MY FAMILY HAVING TO LITERALLY PEEL MY DAUGHTER FROM MY ARMS AND WATCHING HER LEAVE DOWN THAT LONG HALLWAY...JUST A BABY, SCREAMING "MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY...NO!!!" THIS IS SO HARD....JUST WRITING ABOUT IT HAS ME IN TEARS. AND PEOPLE WONDER WHY SHE IS THE ABSOLUTE CENTER OF MY WORLD WHEN WE'RE TOGETHER. MY FULL ATTENTION IS FOCUSED ON HER...NO ONE ELSE.

I've been trying to keep it together and Lord knows i've had enough training to help control my emotions. Mindfullness,Stress management,you name it,I could probably teach it now. As hard as it is to deal with depression,I at least felt like I had the tools to deal with it which made me feel as if I had SOME control over it,even when it got really bad. But with fibro...I feel a total LOSS of control. At 1st I was happy to finally get some answers as to why i've been so sick...I could stop blaming it all on depression. Now I know I'm not crazy...

And then I found this place, and all of the weird and painful symptoms that I spent so much effort on trying to ignore are real. The people have helped me to see and understand better. The big question mark that had been floating above my head is getting smaller thanks to the wonderful people here. Out in the real world tho, I've had some negative responses from some people after telling them that I have fibro. So that validation and satisfaction I left the doctors office with has quickly turned back to a sense of embarrassment and shame,and still,somewhere deep down inside, I feel like I've somehow done this to myself.Crazy, I know, but nevertheless, it's true. It didn't take long to realize how far behind the thinking still is about Fibro. I was shocked really. I thought it was further ahead...I thought people would be more understanding,but they're not. Especially coming from the unstable one that's been on and off,severely depressed for the last 10 yrs. The one who can't commit to anything because she can't predict from one day to the next,how she'll be feeling...Yes,I'm that girl...

I've been reassured by the friends I've made here that it's ok to vent here,in this non-judgemental place. what a wonderful thing we've found here. The best equipped family to help us through these ever changing emotions. Holding our hands through this process of trying to come to terms with our disease and the shock and denial that often follows this diagnosis.God bless them. I think it's easier for me to trust them with my feelings because they're living it every day. I'm a very sensitive person and it's not easy for me to trust,but here I can,more than anywhere else. For that I am so grateful.

With much love and hugs

Carolyn

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Hello

Have you spoken with your therapist about an inpatient stay? Getting the depression under control would help so much. The discussions are a great way to vent and share feelings this can also help how you feel.

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I cannot express how much I LOVE this online group. I really don't know what I would do without it sometimes. The things that have long held me back hold me back even more with fibro. I am so angry. I am so angry and upset it eats me up inside. I use to go out and run and the fresh air and the speed would help to alleviate the anger because I was able to work it through my head while I was running. But now, if I try to run, I end up hurting for three weeks or more. It sucks. It really sucks. And I know that there are people out there that are much worse off then me.

The other part of my struggle is the constant battle I have with my husband and his misunderstandings. For short periods, he will seem to understand what I am going through. But then he will start saying "You need to go out and get a full time job". I can barely manage to keep up with housework as it is. On top of it, I have this terrible pain in my skin-and my hands don't always work right. I am from Minnesota and am surrounded by people who have grown up with the mentality that everyone should work hard. I could do that five years ago, but not anymore. Most of the time I wish I could curl up in a ball and sleep.

I don't know. I am hoping my next therapist appointment will help, because it usually does. Thank you again. I really cannot express the amount of gratitude I have for the replies on here. Sometimes, I go back and reread posts because I have found them to be so helpful, and to make me remember that I am not alone. There are others out there like me.

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Hi purple butterfly

I saw my psyciatrist after my diagnosis and he suggested bringing me into the hospital so he could work with my internist and together,help me level out and get things under control. I have a problem though. my ex-husband is leaving for Cuba on Wednesday for 9 days. He has told me outright that this trip is a test to see whether or not I can handle looking after my daughter full time. I've mentioned before about the pressure he's putting on me. He's re-doing his will and he's worried that if something were to happen to him....well he made it clear that he doesn't think I'm equipped. I made it clear a couple weeks ago that naming his live-in girlfriend as her guardian is absurd and tried my best to assert myself and assure him that he doesn't have to worry. So since then,as bad as I feel,I have no choice but to push through this and show no weakness. Please understand,this is a man who has a strong need for control and has to micro manage everything. So even though it isn't in my best interest and I'm beyond panicked,I HAVE to deal with this first.And to tell you the truth,I don't have much faith in my psyciatrist. He's a pill pusher and loves to use his patients as guinny pigs. The last 2 times my depression got the better of me,i thought about going to the hospital,but the mental healthcare system in eastern Canada has fallen so far down hill,the psyciatric unit has become a joke. He even suggested trying more ECTs when the last time I did that,i ended up in the cardiac unit because my heart went into bfib. He's an idiot but we get who we get and that's it.So i've become very proactive in my treatment and have learned how to fend for myself. This time last year,I was recovering from a 5 month long depression that kept me from doing anything at all. I even missed Christmas. If I didn't have so many years experience with depression,I would have given in and gone to the hospital,but what I've learned is,no matter how deep and dark it is,it will pass. As much as I want to give up,I refuse to leave my daughter.And even if I am suicidal, I seem to be able to keep that at the forefront of my mind.Hence the name fightergirl. I almost lost once...I will not let that happen again. So I guess I consider myself to be a survivor in spite of my weaknesses. Or maybe what i consider to be weaknesses are actually strengths.Talking,crying,being honest about who I am. Most people try to pretend that their lives are perfect. It's important to them to keep up appearances. I don't have the energy to waste on pretending. I wear my heart in my sleeve,it's always been that way.

I laughed when I read your reply cuz while I was writing, i was thinking to myself"HOLY CRAP Carolyn...they're gonna think you belong in the funny farm!" LOL And then I saw your reply and laughed out loud immediatly. It IS funny..you have to admit. Oh no...there WAS a line...and I just crossed it!

Hugs

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As i read your post i cryed because i feel the exact same way. I joined this group in hopes to shed some light on fibro. And talk to others that relate to what iam going thru. It really helps knowing that iam not alone and that im not crazy and this isn’t all in my head and i just recently joined this group myself but getting positive feed back and caring words just knowing im not alone that there is others thats been there or are there for us to vent to talk about what or how we feel there’s no judging just plz. Remember your not alone you join the group for support and we are all here for ya hun. It does help to be able to open up and its easier for me to open up to someone that don’t know me than those that do because i always felt like no one cared they judged me i too lost all my friends and some family but i realized from the short time i became a member here that iam not alone someone does care gentle hugs and welcome

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Having to think about what I'm writing and participating in these discussions has led me to have to face the fact that this is my new reality. I admitted that I am feeling sorry for myself...and we all deserve to feel and acknowledge the emotions that come with being diagnosed. I've played tough for so long and denied what was really going on, and so I think it's ok to allow myself to feel sad,mad,whatever the emotion might be,but i will not allow it to linger for too long. i think thats the trick.Allowing ourselves to truly feel it and then we can let it go. Talking about the fog and memory loss in other discussions has propelled me into a place where I can grieve what this has cost me and my daughter,my hubby,and by allowing this will help me to let it go sooner. If it weren't for all the discussions it probably would take a lot longer to get to the acceptance phase. I'm certainly far from there but because of all of you,I know I will get there.Lovett said it...It's so difficult when the pain is bad and the emotions out of whak at the same time.My pain is still bad but my mind is better thanks to you all.

I hope you too can find some peace of mind knowing you are not alone and we can ride this roller coaster together.Hugs and thanks

Carolyn