Depression

Support
1

I came to this site because of the isolation I find myself in and the depression I feel. There are a lot of positive people on here, which is great, but it makes me feel even more isolated. Like there is something seriously wrong with me (which there is) because I seem to be the only one struggling with deep depression.

Which I don't get since fibro messes with your seratonin and dopamine receptors, causing all sorts of depression. Not to mention the pain, the exhaustion, the isolation of having something many people still think is fake.

I've even been lectured on this site by someone here because I was simply being me and that wasn't a good thing apparently. Ironically, it was a lecture about how I made someone else feel bad. I spent the next few days crying up a storm, hating myself, wondering why I'm even allowed to live. I can't even handle making friends online. What hope is there for me in making my real life any better?

I'm trying my damndest to be postive (not right now of course), but I have gotten to a point where it's almost impossible for me to be positive. For example, why bother cleaning? Who cares what my place looks like. I never go out, no one ever comes over (the cable guy came once to install internet, that's the extent of "visitors" I've had over in the past 2 years), I'm too tired most of the time to do anything, so why should I stress it?

I also struggle to see the point of trying to "improve" anything about my life. What's the point? So I can eat healthy, live longer yet utterly alone? So I have a pretty house that no one will ever see? Why bother trying anything when fibro won't get better? I'm in pain and exhausted all the time. How will not smoking help me with that? How will doing my hair and makeup improve my situation? How will being organized help? None of it will. I'll still be exhausted, I'll still be in pain, I'll still be unable to earn a living for myself, I'll still be stuck in poverty because I got hurt on active duty (I was disabled and unable to work before fibro ever set in) and can't even handle standing at the stove for 5 minutes. I'll still be completely isolated, only having my once a month grocery trip as a social outlet. I just don't see any point.

There isn't a single ounce of hope in my life. I have lost all hope that things will get better. I need to learn to accept that things won't, that this is my horrid life. I wish I knew how to do that without being emotional about the fact that I'm literally giving up on life.

Honestly, I look forward to the day that my animals pass on. Because then I won't have anything left to feel responsible for on this planet and I can finally end my misery. I don't want them to die early or live an unhappy life, so I'll be around until the last one goes to sleep forever and then I'll follow.

People always get mad at me when I express my depression. I just want to say to them, "I'm soooooooo sorry that MY depression caused YOU to feel uncomfortable." Like I WANT to live like this? Like I want to be a miserable old bat with no friends or family? Like I want to be poor to the point where it's a phone or internet (having a phone was more depressing, no one but creditors ever called me) as my only means of social interaction? Then people get even more mad when they tell you what to do (eat this, don't do that, go to the doctor, go to church, etc) and you don't embrace their suggestions like it was a Nobel Prize worthy idea. I don't have a car, I live in the middle of no where. What am I supposed to do, walk the 23 miles to the casino so I can be around people? Join a church when I'm anti-religion so I can be around people?

I know that even going outside I'm being judged and watched. One of the many "pleasures" of small town life. I once even had the cops called on me because I leave my windows open all the time during warm weather. The person who called the cops probably thought they were being helpful, but it would have been more helpful to just come over and TALK to me instead of sending someone in uniform (which just made me feel harassed and wrong) to find out that I LIKE having my windows open. I'm at the point where I"m sure the whole town is talking about me, since I rarely change clothes or bathe any more. Again, what's the point? I don't have a washer/dryer or a car, so I have to walk to the local laundromat (amazing how a town this small has one) carrying my clothes. I typically don't even have the money for laundry, much less the energy to carry bags of clothes to the laundromat and back. I hate showering and then putting on dirty clothes, it feels so yucky. Plus, I never talk to anyone, I don't go anywhere, I have no friends or family (I do shower for my grocery trip, so at least once a month!), who cares what I look like or smell like? My animals don't, and they are the only ones who matter.

Now I get to endure the shame and humiliation that comes with being this blunt. I get to be judged by others on here. I don't even know why I'm posting this, maybe some small part of me really does still have hope that a lifeline will be thrown my way. If not, I only have another 17 years max to deal with this life (that's the outside limit of my cats' life spans) before I can end it.

2

Depression seems to go hand in hand with Fibro. I lived in a tiny town (Lake View) only to move to yet another tinier town (Wall Lake), so that I could be a "walk to Gma" I have my children & my Grands & my animals to keep me going.

& I wonder if, I suppose the VA hasn't helped you much or have you even tried to contact them. My sister's bro-in-law was in baaad, baad shape & she called the state VA to help him, NOW. A person come out , he had to talk to the front door & left some papers & his contact card.

Have you tried talking to the Dept of Human Srvcs? Or asked to get a Case Mgt Worker? Or maybe talk to your MD's Nurse? The Nurses of small towns know more than you think. You could get a visiting nurse to come once a week & through the Public Health Nurse program you can get a Housekeeper that will come once a week, it gave me the chance to discuss what was going on, some one to listen to me without judgement & it made me looking forward to someone coming to visit!!! I HAD to clean up the house a bit.

& for many, many years I washed my dirty clothes in my bathtub. I would soak the clothes in the hottest water possible, then slap a shirt on the shower wall & with a scrub brush dunked in clothes soap to scrub the clothes clean.

I would like for you to write to a Moderator about your experience of being lectured. This is supposed to be a place to feel & be safe, where you can be you.

About a year ago, I stuck up for a Member who had spoken her opinion on anothers' Post, something about having to take super pain pills just to go through the day & then another Member started a new Post about this person talking about taking Meds & how it was wrong for that person to even mention it.

I ENJOY your Posts & Blogs, even if I don't comment on them, you are a breath of fresh air around here!!! & I & probably others on here would miss you!!! call the help line #, it's on the right, >>>> 800-■■■■■■■■. Fondly M

3

Hello Rubber Ducky,

Just read your very long post, and my heart goes out to you. That you are feeling like this is a big shock, I have so enjoyed reading your posts, so positive and full of life. Some great discussions have been started by you. I know many members feel the same.

I suspect ther are many on here who suffer from depression, or feeling depressed, how could we not with this horrible condition. Myself I have been very depressed in the past, before Fibro, so I am very aware of the possibility I will get it again.

Nobody will judge you on here - or they shouldn't. How you live is your own choice. Just looked at the pics of your pets, they are all gorgeuos! I think on this site we are trying to remain as positive as we can, but it is also a place to vent if you are having an off day or 3.

Please keep up with your cheery posts when you can, and don't be afraid to reach out for help, whether it be Doc or some of the help-lines on here.

Take care, Anne

4

Thank you all for reaching out to me. Both those who posted here and those who sent me private messages. I'm grateful and touched. I'm not used to having a support system, I don't know how to react properly. I don't just mean my verbal reaction to the support, but how to accept it without allowing my own past experiences to cloud it. Odd that such a good thing as having support would create such a strange situation.

I appreciate hearing that my posts are enjoyed by others. I've always been the type of person to command attention when I walk into a room (and as a born entertainer, I love the attention), not having that, or any meaningful interaction with others has dulled that part of me. It's cool knowing I still got it!

I struggle to ask any governmental agency for help, including the VA because they have been so very unhelpful in the past. I currently don't have a phone, I wasn't clear earlier, I had to choose between internet or having a phone, I chose internet. I've been thinking on ways to contact people, maybe the VA will be more helpful if they don't actually have to talk to me! I've also been thinking about letting one of their therapists have a crack at me. Even with travel pay, the cost of paying for a ride there is a bit hefty. The VA has decided to use their own GPS system that apparently goes by how the crow flies and not the actual roads, because I always end up getting the shaft.

I quit smoking 25 days ago. That's why I mentioned not smoking. And the whopping $30 a month I spent on smokes is now being sacrificed to debt demons.

I don't know how to make myself accept that I HAVE to be okay with having (most) days where doing my dishes (or any other simple, daily task) is an "accomplishment". I don't know how to make myself accept that I will be single for the rest of my life because I'm too damn tired to date or that I'm not a catch in any means of the word since I'm poor, carless, jobless, toothless, can't even afford to pretend that I'd pay for dinner to make the guy feel less pressure (the money needs to be there, I've gotten caught on that one!), I'm prone to depression, I'm always tired, and let's face it, I'm a moody beotch. I don't know how to make myself accept that my "good" days will be like today - I took my dog out to play twice. I don't know how to make myself accept this life because I HATE THIS LIFE.

I have literally traveled the world. I have been to 7 foreign countries, visited most US states, I even lived (stationed) in Korea for a year. I've done all sorts of cool stuff from jumping out of helicopters to delivering a baby (I was on the catching, not pushing end) to wrestling WWE style which allowed me to have a "tv debut", even though it was local access. I've raced cars, I can speak 3 languages, I have managed a non-profit, no kill animal shelter, I've partied so hard I don't know how I still have an arse, I've been in plays, I've done so much in my life thus far. And now, my life is my living room and my bed with the occasional distraction of the bathroom (okay and the kitchen, I enjoy cooking). I have no more great adventures to look forward to. No more spontaneous moments of fun. No more anything unless it's on TV.

I can't get past thinking that I'm literally just sitting here waiting for death. I'm not living, I'm barely even surviving.

I know me, in a few days I'll be better and chipper for how knows how long and then this will happen again. Yay.

Thank you all so much, I really appreciate everything you've all said to me. Sorry for such long ramblings. I should learn to keep those to the blogs!

5

Hi Rubber Ducky! I agree with AnneV–I enjoy your posts & nobody has the right to judge and/or lecture you. The way you are feeling is very much a part of FMS-nothing to be ashamed of there. You acknowledge that in a few days you will once again be your normally cheerful self. Most, if not all, of us go thru this same cycle, over & over again. You have led such an amazing & active life that I am certain that it is especially hard for you to accept some of the life changes that come along with fibro. You have done things that most of us can only dream about! Always know that you matter & that we care about you. I hope that you feel better soon!
HUGS from Deb

6

Hi Rubber Ducky. I'm new here so don't have the knowledge of your previous posts to look back on. Reading about the things you have done in your life though makes me realise how much you have to offer others with tales of your experiences. As Deb rightly says, you have done things most of us have only ever dreamed of. Would you be willing to tell us in more detail about any of those things.

Depression is a cruel illness on its own so combined with and probably caused by fibro it is doubly hard to deal with. I would say that most of the things you mentioned are probably felt by a lot of people with depression, whatever the cause. I had depression after the birth of my first daughter and needed medication for it. I was lucky enough that it helped me enormously and after over a year on it I was able to slowly come off medication. I wish you lots of love and hope you can manage to believe that you are still an important person with a lot to offer.

7

Thank all of you, both who posted here and who sent me private messages. You have all changed my week for the better. You have made me realize I can still make a difference in the world, even if it's from the coziness of my couch, complaining that the commercials are so much louder than the TV shows (seriously, I thought there was a law against that?). That my unique combination of being unable to shut up and dark humor helps others.

It makes me feel so much better knowing that I am helping others. That I'm putting a voice to the pain, frustration and depression of others.

Thank all of you, all of you here. Whether or not you posted, I can feel the shared pain and love :)

8

Hi, I struggle with the same feeling much of the time. I try to put on a positive demeanor but some days I just can’t. I too have thought about ending my own life and ironically after my dogs both die because I don’t want to leave them. It would also be after my mother dies as I feel she is the only person on the face of this earth who truly loves me for me…well I know she is. She’s 71 and lives in Florida part of the year and 2 hours from me the rest of the year so I don’t get to see her much. I hate depression and the depression that goes along with Fibro is even worse due to the loneliness and isolation from the rest of the world because of the Chronic illness. I have a few good days here and there but know exactly what you mean by “this will come back.” It always does. It’s hard. I’m so very lonely and it makes me mad because I had so many friends when I was younger, even with Fibro, (I was diagnosed at age 20, I’m now 45) but through time I have lost all friends. I was never able to have children due to my illness so that cuts out 95% of female friends right there because everyone is so busy with their kids and its a whole different life. If you don’t work, don’t have kids…how do you meet people? I am married but my husband isn’t much company. When he’s home which isn’t much he’s silent as a mouse and is a very emotionally unavailable person.

I hate being a downer and that’s why I usually don’t post about how I truly struggle with serious depression and I even have a you tube channel where I focus on living a good life in spite of Fibromyalgia! Feel like a phony right now, that’s for sure. I do try. Sometimes I succeed. Much of the time I wish the world would just end so I’d have a way out of the pain, emotional and physical. It’s too much. Sorry, I know this isn’t a positive reply but I did want to say I understand. I do.