How do you deal with non-believer family members?

Support
1

ok, so I just found this site this morning... love it, by the way... but here's my problem I haven't seen any recent past posts on (yet, that is.)

My sister-in-law has never "said" she doesn't believe in Fibro, but a few weeks ago, she called to let me know they were talking about it on Dr. Oz. Then she added, "I never really believed in it, to be honest...but it seems like a real thing."

Ok. that totally bugged. But I figured well maybe now that Dr. Oz says it's real, now she believes. (since all the science, doctors, and sufferers -- including me crying in front of her didn't register true with her)

I just found out she told one of our family friends that she thinks I'm "always using pain as an excuse to not do anything and I'm just being lazy." This friend made me swear not to tell my sister in law she told me what she said. She just wanted me to know what was said. But now, I'm angry. I'm having a lot of trouble letting this one go.

First -- I've never "cancelled" or "flaked" ... I've declined to make plans right at the start if I'm not having a good day. So there's never been any obligation on my end.

Second, how can it be an excuse if I'm having trouble walking? or my hands can't grip the steering wheel to drive anywhere?

(mind you, I also work 3 part time jobs, have 2 teens in sports & school, 3 cats, a dog, a house and a husband to take care of each day.... so "lazy" isn't something I'd consider myself to be.)

So my questions are:

How can I educate my sister-in-law, how can I get her to believe, or do I just not say anything at all??

Should I just let it go??

(I'm just afraid one day I'll nut-up on her & just let her have it... which wouldn't be good for anyone, including my pain levels.)

any help will truly be appreciated!

2

I totally understand your frustration, however, you're not going to be able to change your sister-in-law. People believe what they want and don't start believing something new until they're ready. I would try to let it go. This is causing you stress...not her and stress will make your fibro flare up. That's just my two cents. You know you're not lazy, so who cares what she thinks.

-rosie

3

I would give her some information to read take a deep breath and let it go there is always somebody who has that way of thinking and always will. Do not let her stress you out. I had a friend that was always telling me every thing going on witch our friends and family I finaly told her one day I just did not care if we could not spend time together doing things we should rethink seeing each other. I have not seen her in over a year and it has not bothered me as much as I thought it would and the stress from all the drama is gone.

4

I wasted a lot of years letting someone make me feel like I was faking my illness

At the end of the day you should not have to get her to believe you, Its what you know to be true.

I have had to slow down altogether, It has been very hard not being able to do things that I used to do, you just have to find things that you can do, and mostly enjoy

If this person is upsetting you this will not help your'e stress levels and that will make the pain worse

Big gentle hugs xxxx

5

My husband if 9 years is an absolutely amazing man. I love him so much. I could never of picked a better daddy for my girls.
This disease is really coming between us a lot and has been for years, even when I had no idea of what it was.
I was diagnosed a couple of years ago. I decided to look it up on the internet to get more info and understand what fibro really is.He went on to believe I was reading about the symptoms and my mind has been “tricking” me in believing I have these symptoms.
We had a huge blowout a couple of weeks ago. He lost his very best friend of 20 years the day before Easter this year. He was my best friend too. I loved this guy like a brother. He took care of me when my hubby was away with the army. Anyway, my husband is having a hard time dealing with this… He is not the type to talk about his feelings.
To make a long story short,he doesn’t know much about my illness and he will not talk to me about it. Basically he said talk to anyone but him.
I think he believes I am overdramatic and sometimes lazy. That hurts me so bad. He is very stubborn and will not budge.
I workmyself like crazy and am now in shutdown mode. I am so glad to have this site for support. I just don’t know what to do. I have even printed off paperwork and he refuses to read it. I just can’t understand why he can’t look back and see all of the problems this has caused in our relationship. I am at the worse point of this illness right now and its not getting better. I am so scared.
I have my sissy and some other areas of support but I don’t know how I can just not talk about this with the man I love. And I really want him to understand for our two girls. I hate to think about it, but they may have this one day also. That breaks my heart.

6

So sorry to hear that

Its only recently that he has accepted that this is how it is going to be. I am sure that a lot of the time he thought I was just making up a lot of the pain because I was always one to fight through it, and the fact that I was everyones "rock" in the family, they could not accept that I could not be there for them,but I needed support. He tells me now that he felt rejected,thats nothing to how I felt when I had a full mental breakdown. I always remember a close family member constantly telling me to pick myself up as I had a family to look after, and said it was all in my mind. It was only when they became clinically depressed that they apologised, because they then understood what it was like. I pray that it works out for you, as I keep saying to my husband why would I want to make up something like this I would not wish it on anybody

big hugsxx

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It’s so sad to know that we have all experienced frustration over someone not believing we are really sick, and yet we have to push on & on till we have a melt down and can’t push another step. We cry & suffer in silence…
. I logically do understand why most people don’t understand , but it’s still very hurtful especially when it’s someone close or family. I just keep trying to remember people that don’t understand or choose to not try And understand are just ignorant. Honestly unless you live with it there is no way they can understand, I would honor your friend and not leak what she has told you, but I do understand how frustrating that is.
Hang in there, we understand :slight_smile: we know & u know it has nothing to do with being lazy
Hugs & blessings
dee B

8

Ask your sister in law if she can take you to your next doctor appointment. Let her see first hand that fibro is real, let her see and hear the conversations and assessment with the appointment, maybe then she will start to realize.

If that doesnt work log on here and let her read somw of our discussions, blogs, and comments!!

I truely feel for you, I am fortunate that my sister in law is an RN and she understands. She is one of my biggest supporters. When she sees that I am having a really bad day, she makes dinner for my family so I can rest and not have to worry about my family going without! She is a very positive part of my Fibro fight!

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Rattel'd > This is a GREAT link! I'm going to try this route... my sister-in-law suffers migraines and also, gets menstrual cramps so bad, she's called in sick because of it.

So this is the route I'm taking. I think maybe then she'll 'get it"... after all, SHE looks perfectly fine to me when she has a migraine or cramps. :)

Thanks for this link!

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I truly thank all of you for the incredibly supportive responses. You've given me much to think about. XXOO big hugs! thanks a bunch!!

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Hello, Irish Rose and welcome. I'm glad you found us and I hope you find help here.

I get very angry thinking of people not believing in fibro (although I was one until it struck me.) I don't understand how they can't see it in our walk, our posture, our energy, the bleary look in our eyes, our blurred words, etc...

Here's my suggestion to address this issue: print out some of our conversations, plus some of the articles explaining fibro. One that helps us to understand the ramifications of a chronic illness is the Spoon Theory. If you can get her to read some of our conversations showing how terribly we are affected by fibro, then you could try together her to read the Spoon Theory. If nothing else, just the idea that the American Government accepted fibro as a disability speaks volumes as it never wants to acknowledge any medical condition and pay out disability money due to it.

You may not be able to sway your S-I-L. In that case, you probably need to keep clear of conversations about how fibro's not "real" for your own mental well-being. Leave the room if you must. You deserve respect for your condition, not grief. And feel free to come to us anytime you need to vent - or seek out much needed and well deserved compassion.

Gentle hugs,

Petunia

12

Im having that problem too, a lot of non believers, doctors, friends, family members. My parents are non believers and I have to move in with them at the end of the month because I had to quit my job and have no money to get my own place so I am going to have to struggle with living with them when they can't even support me emotionally because they dont believe that fibro exists so that means that I dont have fibro in their eyes. They just believe that I have a lot of pain. Oh not to mention I had a certain childhood abuse by my father when I was little and he doesnt even know that I know, how fun.

13

So sorry

It is very difficult, my mother was such an uncaring person It was all about her. I lost my daughter, she only lived 20 minutes and my mum was horrible and really unsupportive,also I had a mental breakdown after losing 2 family members and a friend within 6 weeks of each other. I had 2 young boys to look after and had absolutely no support from her even when I was suicidal.Thankfuly I have managed to move on from that now and when I visit her I don't let her upset me I change the subject or turn the conversation round to her. I know I am ill I don't need anyone to tell me otherwise. Stay strong and most of all try and keep relaxed, I know its difficult but it will help

gentle hugsxx

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Hi IrishRose she sounds very blunt and uncaring with the way she speaks to you, so if it was me I would be just as direct to her and tell her you don't care if she believes you one way or the other you don't need her permission to have this condition and you would rather just agree to disagree, and you won't waste her or your time talking about it anymore. Always take the high road don't try and convince a closed mind because no matter what you say they have already made up there minds, that's why we have support groups because even though we live in a family we still can feel all alone with our liiness with no support from our familys, if you can get them to read some of the posts on this site they will soon see how normal the people are that there not crazy hyperchondriacs just normal people struggling with pain and fatigue they never asked for this there is such a stigma attached to fibro it's just one more thing we have to deal with. We have so little energy please don't waste your time and energy on these sort of people it's really not worth it come here we will always believe you pick positive kind people to support you and if you need to let off a bit of steam do it here you can't hurt anybody feelings but you feel great to get rid of all those things and comments that have hurt you so if you need a good rant I'm your girl anytime out with the negative, in with the positive Warm Hugs Jeannie

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you are absolutely right, Jeannie,

Thank you! hugs back at cha' ;)