How to support a friend and myself

Support
1

hello :)
It's again been so long since I've been around and I always feel bad for being such a lurker.

Things, for me, have been pretty much okay lately. There were some changes at work (got a new, really nice coworker for my nursery group, some other new colleagues for our house, new children for the group, neat stuff :) )

It's also been quite stressful, but after being home sick for one week (really really persistant cold/light sinusitis) I've had time to gather energy to return ^^

All in all, I'm holding up okay and I think there are calmer times ahead for a while ^_^

On the downside, my best friend isn't feeling all that well. She's been diagnosed with MS in the same month that I've been diagnosed with fibro, three years ago (if such a thing existed, I'd rightfully claim we were soulmates, because we do such things together all the time.... we're also the same age, it's creepy-good)

But, she's not dealing with it well. She's had a few... I'm not sure about the correct english terms here... I'll just call them attacks. She's had a few attacks, the first was an optic neuritis, which luckily went away without further damages. Then, she had face pains, she suffered from a herniated disc in her neck which had to be fixed in a surgery, she's hat an attack concerning her left arm and side, and yesterday morning, she woke up with a numb right leg, which now is numb all the way up to her right chest area.

I'm worried, but also both a little helpless and angry. I think it's normal to feel like this, when your most dear friend suffers and you can't do sh*t for her.

I mean.. I can deal with my fibro rather well at the moment. I deal with it with talking, reading and researching about it a lot. I want to knwo everything about it and I'm glad that I have it very very mild and I don't 'suffer' from it very much. (Like... it affects me, it annoys me, it hurts and keeps me from doing a few things, but I'm not suffering in the sense of the word)

That means I cannot relate to what she's going through.

What is worst about it, that she shies away from talking about it. And I can't force her to talk about it, because I know her well enough to know it'd throw her into a mighty, depressive hole. She's always had psychological issues, from anxiety to depression to massive inferiority complexes, fear of failure and the constant need to make it right for the people around her.

so.. being sick is probably the top of her list of fears.

because MS will cause her to not be as efficient as she "needs" to be

and I can't help her, because there's nothing I can do to ease the illness, and there's nothing I can really do for her, except provide distraction, because she doesn't want to talk about it.

And I'm really not strong enough to fight her about this.

It's a bad situation for her, and for me, because, having few friends, I need her support, just as she needs mine, but I know I can't ask it from her.

I don't know if any of you can relate, but it leaves me in a stranded position. I need a lot of my energy solely to myself, to keep myself going on and to keep myself above water, so to say. And I need her support and company for that, too.
And I want to give her all my love and attention and energy to keep HER from going under and I know I can't do both and I don't really know how to handle things well enough sometimes.

Part of me wants to smack some sense into her and make her talk and research about her disease, but I know it's not the way she chose to deal with it, and I know it's each person's own decision how to deal with bad things, but on the other hand I think (me, personally) it's better to let it out and I'd be here to listen and help where I can and...

bluhhhh....

things are just weird right now and I feel horrible for being selfish and thinking about myself so much, while on the other hand I know I NEED to think about myself because I'm the only one who can care for me.

*flops around*

oh well....

this sounds all very negative, but right now, we're both holding up well enough. It's just that at least for her, things probably won't stay as well.

2

Dear Dwaggie,

You're between a rock and a hard place with your friend. Maybe she thinks you have enough to deal with without dealing with her illness. Perhaps a card would be the thing to do, just something supportive like "I'm here if you need to talk about it"? Sometimes a little card can say more than you feel that you can. It's hard for me to say, when you know her so well, but that may open a door.

The important thing is that you are there for each other, and still close.

Wishing you both well, and sending hugs to you both,

SK

3

After awhile when your sick, it feels like you can't be a good friend anymore. That all you ever hear is your own complaining. Is she getting treatment for her MS. I've been in an MS chatroom. Many of them go to the hospital for IV treatments when they have a flare up. Basically nock it down when it starts. Along with medication that they take regularly.

4

she just last week got a first set of interferon injections (that the correct spelling?) and since she has a massive flare, with both legs numb today, she went to the hospital to get a cortison treatment. Tomorrow, she'll see her neurologist about it.

her last flares went just like you said, IV cortison drips and staying there until the flare went down again.

her doc first said she could wait with starting the injections, but after having flares a few times in relatively little time, she was told to start the injections, after all. In that department, MS and fibro are very similar. Nobody is able to tell how the illness will progress.

Since she doesn't want to talk right now, I'll probably just go to bed early to prepare for work tomorrow and see how she is in the afternoon.

5

I think it has less to do with wanting to bother me and more with not wanting to admit to herself that she is, in fact, ill. I think it's mostly wanting to push aside the illness and continuing as she was before.
And I'm neither sure, nor in the position to force that realization onto her, I guess...

I, myself, am basically the opposite *lol*. When I heard that I have fibro, I immediately started reading EVERYTHING about it, to know what could, would, might and might not happen to me. I'm a control freak with that. If I know what's happening, I can deal with it better (like at the dentist. Some block out everything with loud music and closed eyes, while I want the doc to tell me everything he's doing so I know what to expect)

The idea with the card is really sweet, but I think it wouldn't help the issue much (but I'll go ahead and send myself a card, just because I think I deserve one 8D )

I'm sure she knows I'll be there for her, it's just a matter of her allowing herself to take my advice of allowing herself to bitch and complain and lament and cry and rage every once in a while. It'd do her good.

Thanks for your advice <3

6

You are most likely already aware that MS peeps also get brain fog. When I feel this way, I don't want to talk much. It's hard to carry a conversation, and remember it afterwards. I hope it's not depression that has her so quiet, because maybe she needs help with that. *hugs*