Today has brought me to tears!!
My body is in a state of shock like no other. To scratch hurts and I hate when that happens. . .my shoulders, my everything hurts down to the meaty part inbetween my thumb and forefinger. . I cried the moment I walked in the door which was 7 mins ago! My job as a housekeeping superviser (and part time housekeeper on wkdays) is taking it's toll out on me and I have only been there for 2 months. . .when I get going, I can go and forget about the pain until I sit down but this flare up is making me very angry. . .I hate when the pain makes me angry because I am VERY angry. . .I do not take meds so that is not an option. I have some in the cabinet but I won't take them because I have to function for the rest of the day. I have to do my hair, fix dinner, do laundry. . .I refuse to be doped up or slightly impaired to do my household chores but I hurt so damn bad!!
I am use to this. .I am use to dealing with it and the flare ups but I just need to "Talk" it out. I am trying so hard to function and stay strong but it gets harder every day. I start classes next week. . I've been back to college since 2010 and although it drains me It keeps me busy. My son is not learning so great so he is a challenge. . .Bills present themselves daily and I do not receive child support so I try to make due with what I bring in and that barely covers the bills. . . . My sister has my son now so he isn't home alone while I am at work all weekend.
I am taking only 8 credits this summer but math and business which is challenging. . .I have my class schedule worked out til 2014 and it's overwhelming itself. . .I miss my mother. We were not close but having her gone hurts because she was who I leaned on and its only been 6 months without her and it feels like she died yesterday, everyday. My brother is facing life in prison after spending the last 12 years in prison. .we thought he was coming home and now he isn't and my sis and I don't know how to deal. He leans to us for support but I need someone myself to lean on. . .I'm alone. I don't have many friends anymore. . I have never had a relationship so no man to comfort me, it's my son and I and I try to be a good mom to him but its so hard to just BE. . .I want the old me back so bad. . .I want to laugh again. ..sometimes I become too strong to let myself cry or feel weak. . .Im sorry to vent but when you only have the walls to talk to. .. finding ppl like yourself, in the pain like you really helps even if its through the internet. . .
today I have my music. . .music helps me so much you have no idea. . .its my vice. . .and its better than drinking or smoking like I used to. I even hate that I don't drink anymore because a glass or a bottle of wine with a cigar would suit me just fine right now. . . . .is it ever okay to just be weak? I can't allow myself to be that way and I wish for one day i could. . .sorry guys really down today. . .
thanx for "listening"
I totally feel for you and understand. I am a social worker and father of 5. I have always been the 1 who fixes everyone else's problems. I am very good at what I do. However, I feel totally alone in this. I too try not to take medicine, other than Savella. Don't feel they help, so why take them. I am also having a terrible pain day and get very angry because of it. Have a great wife but I see the sadness in her eyes because she can't relieve the pain. Because of that I try to hide how bad it is from her.I have had family members incarcerated also. It is very stressful because as you may hate what they did, you remember and love who they are to you. I find myself wondering where I go from here. I wish you some relief and happy days.
I totally know how you feel and I'm sorry you have to feel like this to begin with. According to my mom its not okay to show weakness but she doesn't have fibro and according to me it is okay to just be week. Cry if you need to, I hold it in so much that when I finally do its like a dam burst and it floods out. I push through and do what I need to and only take strong pain meds when I really need to cause I can't afford to be drugged up either with my 2 little ones to take care of. My doctor has actually told me before not to be a marter and use them more often but I just can't. I hope this site can offer you as much support as it has me. Hope you feel better soon.
Thanx. . ..I wish relief to you as well. This FMS crap can really be a demon. and tothink, it' s not terminal. . . .its just a never ending pain in the arse pain!
without my music I would turn green and wreck the city. . .lol
I have had to tell myself that its okay to be a bit weak but I am all my son has and if I am weak and that weakness interferes with my work or making a living for us then we are screwed so i am unfortunately forced to push through the pain even in times when i can't. . .liek now. I'm at work and wanna cry so bad but I have to continue. . .*sigh*
being that I've had the same doc for 6 or so years she knows that I will not take meds so she will try to offer new meds but know that i will decline. Some may think I am bein gstupid for not taking meds but none has yet to relieve pain in my feet or arms ya know. . .over the counter midol though, works better than anything I have ever taken..lol seriously. . .go figure huh,
Sending hugs… It totally sucks that you’re feeling this pain and you are an amazing woman! You have a full plate for sure. I admire all that you’re able to do despite the obsticles. Take care
Dear MoMerrell
Yes, it is okay to talk it out, to vent here. When living alone we have no other person to vent to. So, when we talk it out sometimes we see things more clearly. Perhaps this is what you saw. if not, perhaps go back and read what you have written. As I read, one thing struck me........you kept saying, "I have to......." There are a number of things that you do not have to. You have chosen to load yourself down with a whole laundry list of things that a person with no pain and no chronic illnesses would not be able to do!!! Yes, you have. Perhaps this is an opportune time for you to stop, think about all that you have taken on and prioritise, lighten your load to what is possible for you to do. You said that you have your class schedule worked out to 2014!!!!! You may have a plan for what you hope to accomplish, but then "life happens" and our plans must be flexible enough to allow us to constantly re-prioritise. God tells us to concentrate on today and not worry about tomorrow. God has a plan for each of us. What He calls us to do is to trust Him with our tomorrows. It's fine to have dreams and plans, but don't be rigid about them because that robs us of today's joys.
Gentle hugs
Rachel
I do see what you see as I have seen it all my adult life. My aunt constantly tells me that I over analyze myself too much. I'm very anal and determined some times too much. Once I got hit with this pain crap I refused to let it hold me down. I feel like I HAVE to have life in order or else I'm letting this pain consume me and keep me weak. It's routine for me to do life this way but without order things are chaotic.
Also lightening my load would be ideal but who will take care of my son? I dropped out of college when I had him so for me, this time, I am determined to get the degrees I have always wanted. I would love to not work so much but who will pay the bills? I truly dislike how strict I have to be with myself but my mother was this way and it rubbed off. . .it saddens me to say that I am a robot for order. In no way should I have my class schedule worked out til 2014 (and my courses for 2014-2018 bachelors program) but I couldn't help it. . . .I was homeless once, I won't be again. . if that means having order and strict limitations then so be it. Medication interferes with me keeping things in order and I can't have interferences. . .
I understand what you are saying MoMerrell as I believe we are both a bit Type A. 
To piggyback on Rachel’s post, I think that reshuffling priorities might lessen the load and the pain. If you stretched out your degree program is that doable? Life always seems to throw curve balls, doesn’t it?
Best wishes
Yes we are. I have done all the shuffling I can…is it crazy that I want to finish school before my son goes off to college in 9 yrs? I also want to work in a specific field that requires a few yrs of experience before even applying so I’d like to finish college before 35…spend 35-40 building Exp and apply to this major company to retire in…yes its too detailed a plan to have but if I didn’t think I couldn’t make it in this specific company I wouldn’t even be trying so hard. Is that bad? That too determined personality…? I’ve also set myself back 3 semesters so I am now playing catch up…life may very well take over my plans and send me elsewhere but I like having something to focus on. I’m miserable…I crave action to kp busy. The pain is fine if I find another job…ha…let’s hope for the best on that one. I am hoping to slow down one day…I’d really like to.
You seem really strong and if you can fight thru it then go forth and conquer! you can always change course if needed. That’s my 2cents!
You go girl! I can tell you’re a fighter and I think that’s awesome!
i have to say your post really made me think about myself and what little i do. u r a real inspration. i have no kids and still live at home i never finished my college degree in early childhood. i havent worked in over two years other than watching my sisters and cousins baby when needed. for me tring to work again right now seems impossiable but listening to your story i feel like maybe i could if i really set my mind to it. i do take cymbalta and one other med b 4 bed to help with spasms but other than that i try not to take anything and if the pain gets too bad i will take motrin. i can understand why u do what u do but like many others have said u might want to slow down just a little. maybe u can consider taking lyrica or cymbalta they wont make it so u cant work or go to school but may offer some pain relief. and if u feel like u need to cry than do it i really think it will help. i really wish u had more help so u didnt have to do everything by yourself. i will keep u in my prayers. lots of hugs to u. i am glad u found this site and felt comforatable writing what u did. please feel free to do so when times r tough we will listen. and we wont judge. keep up your strength and u will make it and when u feel a little weak we r here for u.
Thank you.
don't say you do too little. .. we all do what we can with what we have. I have no choice but to do what I need to.
As for Lyrica, I had an allergic reaction and for cymbalta I did not like the way it made me feel. to numb my entire body like it does seems unnatural to me.
the day I slow down will be a joy. . .WHOOT!!