Doing this alone sucks

Support
1

I am so tired. I want to give up so bad and just stop trying but we all know that's impossible to do even if I really wanted to.

I've been in a flare up that doesn't seem to go away. I can't move or don't want to. My wrists are not getting better. I want to just SCREAMMMMM!!! I am so tired, I feel unhuman-like. . .the pain, the paaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaain. . . . . .

I just want to be alone. I don't eat, I can't sleep. I'm even more pissed that I have been reduced to taking medication. I have taken Tramadol and Ibuprofen all of which I have taken in the past but I hate it. I HATE taking meds and normally I would refuse them but the pain is too much to bare alone. . .crying seems like the right thing to do but what does it solve. . .NOTHING!! I am getting weaker, in the "I CAN DO THIS" dept. I really wanna lay down and never wake up. I am so tired of being awake and dealing with this. I was booted from the pain clinic the doc there didn't give a rats ass about me anyway (miss my old doc, wish she never left). . I am all alone, just me and my pillow and my pain. I am afraid of how weak my mind will get because of my self-destructive past. I'd rather be dying than to continue to deal with this.

. . .and people wonder why I am not religious, why I don't have faith in anything anymore. No one should hurt like this, no one.

2

Mo....I know your pain and the place you are in right now. See, it is 2:30am and i am up due to sleep problems along with the fibro. Chronic pain does have an effect on our brains and that is why most of us on this site do suffer depression from time to time.

Please do not give up. Things look better in the daylight when we do not feel so alone. Try and understand what it is about medications that cause you such apprehension. I do not want to assume, but could it be that being on meds is a concrete reminder/validation that you do have a chronic illness?

Listen, I was born with rheumatoid arthritis some 40 years ago and the fibro came on the last few years. I have never been without pain. But recently, my pain has been so great that i am taking dilaudid which is one of the most potent pain meds available. If not, i would have pain in all my joints and prob be in bed. I HATE being dependent on such a strong drug and am scared as heck that if this does not work, then what? Plus it validates just how bed these diseases are right now for me.

Please do not stop taking the meds and even see if the dose can be increased. Bad pain is like the devil--it tells you lies----ie: life is not worth living, you will never be well. It is all a big LIE.

Get the relief from the pain and then maybe deal with the emotions of chronic illness. Believe me, the emotions can cause the pain to be much worse.

Maria

3

Hey Mo,

You want someone to scream with? We could hear each other across the globe I bet lol. This fibro BS does get you down doesn't it. I hate it so much, but we have to "chill" because the stress/pain/depression makes it worse. Aaaargh so frickin what! We can't be strong every day can we.

I'm the same as you trying to survive it alone, without decent meds. Sometimes I bet you're quite proud of yourself, like I am, for coping for so long. But it doesn't last. Eventually it catches up with you and we enter the vicious pain/insomnia circle.

When you get this bad and you can't see light at the end of the tunnel its time to get some "professional help". See your doctor sweetie and tell him/her you can't deal with it any more. Just call and call and call.

Being on here with friends and sharing is a good way to deal with it too, because we're all here for each other and totally understand the misery fibro can put us through. Stay strong Mo. It will get better. It always does eventually.

Hugs and brave thoughts,

Jo

4

Mo, my wrists have taken to bothering me too. I find I do get relief from some wrist splints I bought at the pharmacy. The brand is Mueller and they are more comfy than the Ace brand of products, more padding. Actually, I got ones that also splint up my thumb, another source of pain for me. The only thing is, they aren't cheap. $20 per splint. But they really do help ease the pain.

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No, no one should. You're absolutely right about this. But you're at your wits ends, Mo. You really DO need the pain meds help. I know, I don't like all the meds I'm stuck with but there comes a time when we need to accept the help. If you were a diabetic would you refuse to put insulin into your body? We also need the pain meds because from what I've read, the problem stems from a cellular level. Our mitocondria (which supply energy to the cells) aren't functioning properly. Enuff energy isn't being given to us on a CELLULAR level. So we've got some mighty big issues to overcome.

Mo, I'm also worried about your mental pain. I've certainly been there and done it, and I personally stubborned it out for years. I now see how much I hurt myself and relationships around me by refusing any help on that end. I feel much better at coping with the pain when I'm on an anti-depressant. I don't know why but it gives me a better mental capacity for fighting the pain. I'm certainly no doctor and am not trying to push you, but I think it'd be a good idea for you to talk to your doctor about this. You surely don't deserve this kind of pain, mentally or physically.

Wish I could talk more but work is beckoning. Take care, Mo. Please take care of yourself. You deserve it.

Petunia

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Mo I’m so sorry to hear about this. I know where you are coming from. I have been in a flare since may and it’s just now finally getting better after physical therapy, which made it worse and finally a med change. Have you tried massage? There are ones specific to help fibros and it helped me some, that’s one of the reasons I quit pt cause they weren’t helping and I know that will at least a little. All I can tell you is to hang in there. Very gentle hugs.
Becca

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Oh Mo,

you're sounding so very down.....you need to get some help. I know taking medication is horrid....all the side effects and stuff but it will just take the edge off. I only take meds when nothing else helps as I react badly to most. Have a warm bath, massage the base of your skull, distract your self with a good funny movie, take short naps, anything to take your mind off the pain even for a few minutes. Don't give up, don't get angry, try and keep positive, it will get better. Think about something for your emotional health as without that the pain is a lot harder to handle.

and keep talking/writing we're all here for you xoxo

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I also had good luck with massage, Mo. Not just any massage but sports massage by someone who trained in sport injuries. It felt great! And the hot rocks rubbed into my poor throbbing muscles felt even better! All is not lost, Mo. The flare will abate and you'll get some relief.

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Dearest Mo,

I am very concerned that you have reached this point of desperation. I understand the frustration involved in finding the right Doctor, a full diagnosis, and the proper med that helps our pain, while allowing us to function.

http://www.anthem.com/wps/portal/ahpmember?content_path=shared/co/f...

This sounds like a promising link, you speak to a nurse about your illness and she helps you to find a Doctor in your area that specializes in your specific ailment. If this is not the right link, please let me know and I will search out another for you.

Honey, we have all had self destructive phases in our life, I think it is just part of human evolution, please forgive yourself, write yourself a letter and let it all out and let go of it! You are such a strong, beautiful, intelligent young woman. You are a good mother, have a lovely home, I can tell just by your kitchen that you take very good care of it. You are liked and respected by all because you are all of these wonderful things.

As for religion, well chronic pain will either take you closer to God, or drive you away for a while, it is part of the acceptance challenge, I think. Write him a letter and let him know how you feel about him too! Perhaps that can also evolve.

I hope that this is coming through with all of the care, concern and respect that I have for you, Mo, and I do believe that I can say that the entire group is also concerned for you.

One of the Neurologists that I went to told me that one of the best OTC meds you can use for sleep is Benadryl, worth a shot, just make sure you drink enough water, as it dries you out, but please ask your Physician about it, it may not go well with your meds, or he may prefer something else for you.

http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/depression-chronic-pain Here is a link about depressiona and chronic pain. For sure it applies to each and every one of us.

Of course you know that I am not a Physician, not making a diagnosis, just responding to a dear friend. Please do not give up Mo! We are all here for you, anytime! Contact me anytime!

With love and concern,

SK

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I have splints made from the doc to fit my arm perfectly, I wear it on my right hand as the left is not bad but it's annoying. It goes all the way up my forearm and I wear it everyday. It's so tiring and annoying. . .I wore the mueller ones for years, loved them but the one I have now is more sturdy and a perfect fit to my wrist. . .

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Hey, I take anti-depressants, have been for a while but my prescription is expired and I won't take an expired med not even by a day. I can call my Rheumy and have her give me a new scrip, I've js been so tired and wake up after closing hours. They helped alot. I just called the doc office and the dickwad on the phone likes his job alittle too much!! I told him I needed a med refill and he said he'd TRY to get a msg to the nurse or I can make an appt for october! I told him I will not survive til october without my anti-depressants!! I just won't, even when I say i don't take meds that is the one I always take, it eases my mood and without it, I am a wreck.

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Massage does work but I haven't had money to go yet and since I've been booted from the pain clinic earlier this year I have no clinic to make an appt with. I found a place that offers the hot rocks treatment and I will look into sports massage like Petunia suggested ...

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That is how I normally take medication, when nothing else works and normally I get the worst of the side effects and I hate it. I've been at the hot tub in our complex 4 days in a row, sat in there for 4 hours once, the heat felt so damn good. lol. It's a bit cold out today and it's outdoor so I will have to settle for a hot bath inside. I watched some funny youtube videos last night which helped.

I need to see a shrink but can't find one. My last one quit practicing and after seeing her for a yr it's hard to find one to connect with. she was great. I'm worried I won't find another like her. But I know I do need professional help. I am still dealing with the death of my mother last November that keeps me quite down and in tears along with the depression from this condition. . .I am a wreck. I am a not spending time with my son as I just can't bare to be around anyone so he has been with my sister damn near all summer and she lives about 20 mins away. He's home now but with my nephew so I don't have to do much with him. Classes start next week and I dont know wtf to do.

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Thank You Avenk. . .I found making the videos helps me to release, like therapy. It's me finally getting all of this stuff out of my system. I no longer want the thoughts in my head or the anger. Knowing I have ppl here for me is making me cry right now but also making me feel good to know that I am not alone as I do feel very very alone.

15

Thank You all for the support. It's like I know how down I am but I have no option but to be this way. I called the doc for meds and the dickwad on the phone said he'd try to get a msg to the nurse. I can't wait til october for an appt. I'm also going to make the call to the place I had seen a therapist and try to get in with someone. The crazy thing is I am aware, fully aware of the dangerous mental fragile state I am in with no solution in sight and that scares me. Classes start next week and I am SO EXCITED to have something to do to keep me busy. I never have this kind of breakdown while in school. . it's been the best decision I've made to keep me busy in a long time. (been in since 2010) Thanks for the support guys, I need it like you wouldn't believe.

I keep thinking about my mother and not having her here but not that she was a great support system. So it's weird, its approaching a year since her death and all I can do is cry. It's unbelievable that she isn't here, she'd take care of my son while I go thru this pain, mysister helps now but still, nothing like a mother. . . .

16

You are so right, my Mom is 80, we brought her to live with us a few years ago now. She and my husband are very close, but Mom is such a doll, everyone loves her. She is such a great help to me. I could never keep the grandkids without her help.

I wish you were closer, Mo, I'd share her with you!

17

Fibrokitty, wow, what a great way of describing the pain! You are SO right. What a great response regarding the pain. I hope Mo reads your letter and gets some comfort from it.

Mo, I do agree with Fibrokitty. The emotions CAN cause the pain to be much worse.

I know it' true in my case, Mo. I just can't handle the pain as well when I'm out of balance emotionally. And Fibrokitty's right about the pain meds - if you're not managing the pain, it'll make you think that everything is hopeless. You don't deserve to live like that. You deserve to have pain relief. unfortunately, your body cannot manufacture the means to control the pain so you need to take meds to help. And who knows, maybe someday doctors will find the key to fibro and be able to turn it "off" so you won't need to take the meds anymore.

I feel so badly for people like you and Jillian who are in neverending pain. It's so unfair that you don't get a break. Please accept the means to getting a break.

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Oh okay. I find the Mueller ones to be more comfy than the ones I got from my doc cause I'm short and the doc ones hit my tenderpoints. I know, it's tiring to wear them cause they make your arm and wrist so stiff. But that also feels good. I'm glad you do have a good one. I personally do find that it helps to control the pain.

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Oh gosh, Mo, i know what you mean when you can't get up the energy to get more meds! it's the pits. And getting to the docs office, same thing. I went yesterday only to find out it was the wrong day. But I was awake and alert that day so wanted to stay if possible cause I couldn't guarantee that i'd be awake on another day!

It's good that you're on anti-depressants. I don't know how anyone survives without them! So I'm glad that you're not against them. I wasn't sure, Mo, cause you're very much against the pain meds. Actually, I totally understand your pain med dilemma if it's because you'd have to take narcotic pain meds. It's a tough choice, but eventually the pain wins on us, so it's not really a choice in the end. At least it wouldn't be for me. Life is just so so difficult when it's unrelenting pain.

20

Massage IS expensive, which is part of why I no longer go. But a good, qualified masseuse is worth her weight in gold. I got my referral from a nurse who knew the masseuse. Again, you need someone who's qualified for sports injuries, even for the hot rocks. Regular massueses give wimpy massages that don't get the kinks out. And watch out for people who claim to do sports massage but have no training in it. BIG difference in the quality of the massage. A good massage is really vigorous, not wimpy.