This disease has a plan. It is smart. It uses strategy.
I’ve suffered from clinical depression for as long as I can remember.
Then anxiety and panic attacks made themselves known.
I’ve lived in toxic atmospheres all my life. People criticizing and judging me. I thought it was all in my head. At least that’s what my husband said. And my mother.
I lost my marriage and physical custody of my four children.
I moved in with my mother.
Six years after I got my massage certification, I began to realize that my clients were in far less pain than me.
I discovered that my ability to do massage all day was diminishing.
Rent in my area is insanely prohibitive. ($2-3 thousand a month for an apartment.)
To be able to have visitations, I need to stay in my mother’s 4 bedroom house.
I have no other family. I have no friends.
My boyfriend moved in. He pays the Morgage and helps with bills.
Neither my boyfriend nor my mother have been understanding. They think I’m just whiny and lazy.
If I don’t say anything, everyone thinks everything is fine. If I do say something, I’m a complainer.
Now I can’t work. I have no income. I’m reliant on the people who torture me. The doctors in my HMO refuse to diagnose anything they can’t prove with a test.
I’m in pain. From head to toe. I don’t sleep well even with sedatives. The allodynia is getting rediculous, it’s everywhere. The IBS is crippling. The depression and anxiety are a living nightmare. This whole thing is a living nightmare.
I dread my boyfriend coming home (he works 12 hour days because he is a workaholic) because he grills me on what I have accomplished during the day and always seems to find fault. He’s grouchy.
I can’t think straight. Sometimes I can’t even finish sentences. I’m too tired to fight. I’m too tired to finish this rant.
Thanks for listening.
Helllo Mrspeele,
There are people listening, here. I am one, and sending positive thoughts your way. I am so sorry to hear you are dealing with so much. Perversely I think ranting is good, and here is a safe place, saves our nearest and dearest! My suggestion is for you to go back to your Doc to sort your depression out, if he can't,p'raps change your Doc. I know all this is not easy, but you are strong, you can do it! I wish you well.
Take care, Anne
Thank you Anne,
I’ve been on antidepressants for over 20 years and it’s the only thing that has kept my head above water. I haven’t given up yet.
Why do people judge things that they do not understand and have never experienced? I once met a girl who had an ailment that doctors could not explain. Her parents thought it was attention seeking behavior. I told her I believed her. To me it was irrelevant whether her illness was “real” or not. What mattered was that she believed and needed understanding. It turned out she was right. She finally got a correct diagnosis.
Sometimes the best thing we can do, the only thing we can do, is bear witness to people’s suffering. Sometimes that is enough.
Thank you for bearing witness.
Patricia
I don’t know how long I have had fibro but I was diagnosed 8 years ago. I need to vent. My brain isn’t what it used to be. Confusion and decision making are becoming a problem, especially at work. I keep screwing things up and I am feeling extremely inadequate. I just want to quit my job so I don’t have to deal with my brain fog but I need to work.