Hi, so frustrated tonight and have brought on my own flare up big time...Went to afuneral for one of our friends and the first person I saw..My you look so good ..with a question in her tone of voice and I said yes TY. So I have beat myself up about the funeral and what was said that I now am in a big flare up!!!
And I know better. Our friend commit suicide and left behind a wife and 4 children, just always very hard to understand Why.
So I am going to vent a bit and then try and get some sleep.
You heard the statement we all hate. I have stopped letting it bother me. I smile and say "Thank you". I've decided I would rather have someone tell me I look good rather than say "Wow, you look like crap!" Lol.
HI VICKY IM SO SORRY ABOUT THE DEATH OF YOUR FRIEND IVE HAD 2 COUSINS DO THE SAME AND A NUMBER OF YEARS AGO I MAN IN THE NEXT BLOCK DID THE SAME THING HIS DAUGHTER WAS FRIENDS WITH ONE IF MY SISTERS HE AND HIS WIFE OWNED THE BEST RESTARUANT IN TOWN
We had a friend commit suicide a year ago Wednesday. Left behind a beautiful family. Please don’t discount the emotional stress of your loss. Regardless of someone’s words- you are dealing with one of life’s most difficult challenges. Take it easy, rest and allow yourself to grieve your loss. Don’t hold on to all of it - you have to release it order to release pain.
My new goal- “You look great” is once again a compliment. They didn’t tell me I feel great. They said I look great. I personally revel in the moments when the world thinks I am beautiful. I HATE hearing, you look tired, miserable, uncomfortable, in pain, awful. Are you OK? I have days I need my husband to help me walk. I flare, I get strange large red sores around/near my nose. It is a triumphant. Days, evenings, events when my skin is flawless, I can rock my fav heels, and my hair looks good because it isn’t falling out…even if I feel awful and people may think my outer appearance is linked to my illness yet I am stunning- THAT is a good day!
Blessings! So sorry about your friend. . . my hat is off to you for having had the courage to go to his funeral! Years ago my neighbor hanged himsel in his garage - his 7 and 9 year old boys found him - Christmas Day! I saw him every single say watching his children play. . . his wife worked evenings/nights. . . They still live there. . . every time I see their house it reminds me of Angel and I say a prayer for him. . . wishing we could have done something - he was about 30 years old. . .
The friends and family who come to my house don't say I look good anymore because they see me in my baggy comfortable clothes. . . two sizes biger because I can't stand anything tight. . . When I go out - of course - they are always complimenting me, not knowing that for me to be there is always a big challenge. . .
My daughter, her husband and my three grandchildren visited us yesterday - five hours - the oldest is 4 and the youngest is one - has just learned to walk. . . they want my attention, of course, and I had not seen them for almost six weeks. . . This time I wore normal clothes. . . I was there for them but when they left I was sooo tired that I did not even want to watch TV. . .
I get sad because my extended family and friends do not even send invitation to occadions anymore! I don't blame them - I guess any friendship is a two way street but I have to take care of myself. . . If I go out I have to be able to give a good time not just expect others to give me a good time. . .
Anyway, I hope soon you are able to just shine on those comments. . . the sarcasm. . . I get it from my daughters a lot. . . and things will be better for you. . . YOU DO WHAT MAKES YOU COMFORTABLE! YOU NEED TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF - NO FLARE UPS IF YOU CAN AVOID IT! GENTLE HUGS - IRMA
Bless your heart Vicky. I am so sorry to hear about your friend and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I totally understand how you feel about the "you look so good" remark. I deal with it better after so many years but it still makes me bristle when I hear it. My favorite was when I went out to the bank with my son to co-sign on a checking account. He is only 17 so it was required. I tried my best to do it over the phone but still had to do it in person. The fluffy young assistant at the bank was so cheery when she asked "and what do you do?" Ah the dreaded question - before I thought clearly, I confessed I was disabled and she quickly replied "But you don't LOOK disabled"........I took a breath and just replied with "yes - that's what everybody says". I knew it would be futile to continue the conversation but it stung like a knife to the heart. You hold your head up high and know that others don't know what lurks behind the smile and be proud of the fact that you attempt to carry on and be strong. Sending big hugs!!!
Hey Vicky, in response to that, don't you just want to say, "Yes, but I feel like s**t!"
I don't know how people can say that, knowing we are ill. And seeing the exhaustion and pain in our eyes. Are they really that clueless?
And oh, my gosh, I'm sorry about your friend! Depression is a horrible thing to suffer from. It wears you down and tears you down. Makes you feel horrid and unworthy and unloved and unlovable. Like a bug that needs to be squashed. It's such a destructive mental illness, and yet many cases can be treated. Some just can't be. And I feel for them, and for your friend. His must have been terrible for him to take his own life. So very, very sad to suffer so much in silence from such an ugly and horrid little mental monster inside your own head.
My condolences to you on the untimely death of your friend. Suicide is always difficult to accept and come to terms with.
When people say to me, You look so good. I respond........I just wish I felt as good as I look. Someone said to me the other day, Well you must be getting better by now. I just said I have chronic illnesses, that means I am not going to get better. I just have to live with them the best I can for the rest of my life.
Somehow sickness and chronic illness seem to be the same in the eyes of many people.
Did you get some sleep last night? Probably not the kind of sleep you really needed which means today you are dragging. Just rest your body today and listen to soothing music or work on some craft.........whatever helps you to relax.
My heart is with you over the loss of your friend. I am always very sad to hear of spouses and children being left behind.
As to the continuous remarks we all get about how good we look, I think Rachel said it best in her response, though it still never seems to sink in! Some people have never been taught any social graces, or perhaps that just never did sink in either!
I know you know better, and we can do our best to avoid the petty remarks, or at least their sting, but sometimes it can really set us off, because of the condescending attitude.
I like Tony Robbins, he has some very good answers for these 'petty tyrants' who plague us with such questions and remarks. If he is asked a question he feels is 'too personal', he responds in asking them why it is so important for them to know the answer.
Ironically the person who said that may believe it was an encouraging thing to say to you. Don’t know the person but I have heard that tone and same words too. Just because you’ve made it to work (or in your case to a funeral in no way means you’ve not got 5 different kinds of pain going on). There must be a good way we can answer these people that helps them understand that there is no overnight ‘cure’ but thank you for your well wishes anyway. If I think of something, I’ll let you know. I’ve been getting the same from my boss often. I am sorry to hear of your loss. Between that and the insensitive comment that was a lot of stress for you. And we sure know what stress does to us, even when we are trying to manage it. God for you for going tithe funeral to honour your friend and show support for the family. You’ve got a big heart : )
Vicki, First let me say I truly am sorry. That is a horrible and upsetting situation. This person must have been lost to leave this way so I will pray for him and his family and all you great friends. I really think this situation would give anyone a flare up ( even if they don't have fibro) so all I can offer is a big hug and know we are here for you to vent and talk with. Lisa Thinking about you today!!
First of all, I am sorry that you have gone through such a loss. Now I'm going to say the un-sayable: Don't beat yourself up. You are not the one that did it. Grieve, moan, cry, but don't beat yourself up.
Now, the second issue: "You look so good." Yes, we all get that garbage. If you want to borrow my reply, feel free. I say: Thank you. It took hours to get through the pain & fatigue to look this way. (If it's a friend, that's another case: they are trying to be encouraging because they KNOW how we feel...)
I hope you will take time to grieve, and I send you special, loving ehugs of comfort. These are tough moments in life and you need to take care of yourself both physically and emotionally.
First of all I’m very sorry for your loss. I really understand how fustrating it can be when people who dont know what we’re going through thinks there is nothing wrong with us. I myself was going through a lot of stress and flare ups with my fibromyalgia and lupus. I was very depressed and all I would get from the people that I love was your fine you just need to loose weight. I too decided to end it all and I had a break down. I was very close to ending my life but the thought of leaving my 2 children who gave me nothing but love stopped me (plus the police that put me on a 5150) who I am very grateful for now. I have been going to group meetings and I am learning to understand my emotions a lot better. I still have my days where I dont want to get out of bed but I do because my life is not only for me but my children and there memories I want them to have of me.
Theresa, I am so glad you are still here. Your words encourage me. I am not the only one! I went through emotional abuse from my husband and tried to end it. I didn't succeed, and my husband put me in bed, leaving me all alone to recover. The doctor, however, never prescribed that med again. I suspect my husband told the doctor about it. Since then I attended a group class on domestic abuse, and I am now empowered and able to recognize when things begin to escalate. I can now stop things before I feel lower than a slug. One thing I learned in this class is that we all have a purpose in life, and others will try to block it rather than tending to their own purpose in life. You have a reason for being, and it is worth it.
