I’m so sorry for writing this post and for burdening those who read it who have so much to cope with already but I have to get it out. I have to come somewhere safe and say this because I cant hold it in any longer. I cant take this pain any more. The pain in my body and the pain in my heart and my soul. I’m drowning in my own self pity and I disgust myself. My face. My body. I hate myself. I am so lucky to have what I have, 3 beautiful children, the youngest 8 months who I am still breastfeeding. I am blessed but yet I feel so sad. So anxious. I have developed terrible ocd. If I wrote a list people would think I was a hypochondriac. I am overwhelmed in every single way. I cannot even cry any more. Please do not think I want sympathy or attention. I just needed to get it out. To tell someone, anyone. That’s all. Thank you. Xxx
Just want you to know that your not alone. I too have three kids. They are what gets me out of bed every morning and when I am feeling like I can’t take anymore I just try and remember that they need me to be strong. I know it can be overwhelming at times and you want to curl up in a ball and cry all day. I hope your day get’s better. Hugs Xo
It sounds like your life is at a turning point for you when you have the feelings that you do. One a person gets to that point in their life it is important that they hold onto any tread of hope possible. It is also at this point where you have choices to make our minds and bodies to understand that we are in charging not the pain or depression. When you hit rock bottom your only place to go is up. Just like you said you are so blessed in having your children especially your new little one that you breast feed. Even thou I am a person who is trained in therapy but I talk with you as a friend who also has Fibro. SO let me paint a picture for you and see if this might help you get past this dark period.
I am a very spiritual person and have always tried to create visions to help my mind guide me into a better place. So what I have to say is not a therapy session, but just some thoughts to hopefully give you a different way of focusing on your pain.
If I were you I would try to think of all this darkness and pain is actually in your mothers milk that you produce. even thou this may sound crew or weird but it gives you an example of a way to train your mind. I wold say that God has given you this little angel from heaven as a means to remove your darkness and pain. Every time your body feeds the baby it takes away this darkness. The baby has a way as a child to process the milk and expel it in its diapers as a way to get rid of it. Yu then see the diaper when you change it an think of it as the pain being deposed of.
Now like I say, this may sound weird, unconventional and down right unconventional, but it is an example of ways to rid you of the pain.
Some of the more conventional ideas might be to take a sheet of paper, on the left right the positive things on the left and the negative on the right. You cannot list everyhting but look at the top 5 on left and worst 5 on right. Take and ripe the negative paper off, take it and burn it, shred it, bury it in the backyard or wherever to get rid of it.
Also, another idea is to write down things I have control of on one side and the other side the things I have no control of.
We often try to change things that we have no control of rather than changing things we do have control of. By focusing one at a time on the things we can change and then change it helps some folks. The things we are in control of actually comes down to our minds and how we can make changes to improve where our heads are at. So many folks and I think it may be where you are at is you look at everything as a whole rather than taking each things and deal with them singually.
I have always tried stores to remember that they re in charge of how they feel. Yes, there are days my body totally shuts down and I feel like hell, but I try to do at least one thing positive to change how the pain tries to take over my body. I have about 40 family photo books an keep them handy. Even looking at a few photos of the good times in the past has me treasure those times onside of dwelling on how I feel today.
I hope this post does not get me bumped from this site, but these are just a few of the tricks I use myself, all but the breast feeding. That was used as an example, but kind of gets you to understand we have to be creative in order to hold on during our dark times.
May you find the spirit to keep your head above water and know everyone on this site are here and wish to give you positive thoughts. Would love to have you share your baby photo on here.
Ron
I am very grateful for your support xx
OCD is a torment and requires professional assistance to get over. It is fixable and will make everything feel much better if you tackle it, do the therapies, and keep trying. The brain forms new habits, and the tormenting ones recede and become less powerful. I have seen this first hand. Please seek help for this.
Here are some hotline numbers for you, Nicky:
Samaritans UK & ROI
National
Contact by: Face to Face 
- Phone - Letter: - E-mail:
Hotline: +44 (0) 8457 90 90 90 (UK - local rate)
Hotline: +44 (0) 8457 90 91 92 (UK minicom)
Hotline: 1850 60 90 90 (ROI - local rate)
Hotline: 1850 60 90 91 (ROI minicom)
Website: samaritans.org
E-mail Helpline: jo@samaritans.org
24 Hour service:
Hi Nicky I’m only new to this site today so don’t no how I found you but glad I did. I saw your message on fibro cafe, and have thought of you a few times today. I also have 3 children( young adults ), and its a fantastic job, but you need to take care of yourself if you want to be fit in 10 years down the road for your little ones. I have done what you are doing now and my youngest was only 8 when he saw me extremely I’ll. I wish you luck xx
Hi Nicky,
It is possible that you have Postpartum Depression, you should see your healthcare provider immediately. Please call one of the hotline numbers that Madere gave you if needed, but get some help right away.
Starr
Nicky,
Yes Starr is so right!
Please reach out to one or more of her resources for yourself. If one does not help you please keep trying others. So many folks try one agency and the match does not work so do not stop there. Search until you find the right agency an person to make you better.
POSITIVE ENERGY going your way today.
I will be waiting to hear an update from you, so please let me and the people on here who love you know how you are doing.
Ron
I feel so incredibly close to this post. I feel, almost word for word, the exact way you described, and I don't even have children. So I can only imagine how that would be on top of everything else. But I do know one thing, being strong is all we can do until we figure it out. And I say that lightly, because I know that strength is one of the hardest things for me to hold onto sometimes. I will be so strong for so long, but all it takes is one day to pull me apart, whether it be someone saying something nasty or just the overwhelming pain throughout my body. And that second I lose myself, I feel guilty and defeated. I feel like I've been so strong for this long, all for nothing. But ya know what? I'm wrong when I think that. We're all meant to have our breakdowns. We're strong for so long that sometimes we just need to fall apart in order to get better again. We have to start from the bottom to get to the top, so even if we slip a little, we just have to keep going. We can't give up, not just for ourselves, but for the people around us. They need us, and we need them. So keep your head up and keep moving forward, that's the best thing you can do. And know that we're all here for you start to slip from the top<3
Nicky,
I'm glad you felt safe to vent here. I'll be praying and thinking about you. Please keep us updated.