For the last 14 years, I've been hosting a Christmas Eve party because I'm the only one of 3 kids with a child so we usually received the most presents. Well this year I finally said I can't do it anymore due to my fibro. I have almost no use of my right arm and severe back pain along with your typical fibro symptoms. To top it off my son and husband do NOTHING to help clean and cook for these parties. My husband is disabled, but not to the point that he can't help. But when it comes to the party boy does he play it up. Well, Wednesday night I got blindsided by both of them. My son was in tears telling that he can't believe that I would take away the one holiday that he loves so much and I don't love him enough to do this one thing. Then my husband says "it's not that bad on you (meaning me)". This went on for over 90 minutes. I finally gave in. They just don't get that the more I do the faster my arm deteriorates. I thought they cared, but obviously they don't. I am crushed! I want so bad to just leave or something. I am so alone in this world. I'm more disgusted with my husband. I stood by him and still do with his disability. I ask him to go to a doctor appointment with me and its like I asked him to cut off a limb for me. He finally agrees, then as soon as we arrive he suddenly becomes "sick" and has to wait in the car. How do you not give up on everything?????
I go in the bathroom or close the bedroom door and have a good 5 minute cry and then I wipe my face and get back to it. It is very difficult, I don’t mean to make it sound like its not, but I just have to keep going. And men are inherently weaker than women. We often have to share the majority of the burdens in a relationship. Not saying this is right, it just is. One thing I have found that works with my husband, who is perfectly healthy and capable of doing anything, is doing something around here that I have asked him to do when he is around. Then he says he will do it and I say no, that’s okay, I’ve got it. A little passive aggressive, I know, and it doesn’t always work but it sometimes gets the job done. And sometimes there are things that can wait and just don’t get done. You have to figure out what means the most to you. As far as something like a party is concerned, I would simply tell him that you have a,b,c plans and that if he wants something more, he can do it himself as you are at your limit. Be firm in your boundary setting with oth your husband and your son., especially your son. If he still lives at home, he has no right to treat you with disrespect like that. Anyway, I am rambling and I am sorry. There are just so many ways to approach it and only you know what will work best with the people in your life.
Oh my goodness, my heart hurts for your situation… They do care, they are both just being selfish, I go through the same thing with my son… I have always done everything… & he hates that I can’t do it anymore. You have to put yourself first… And it’s hard because you want to be able to do it… And then we push ourself, to make everyone happy and who suffers … We do, I always do Christmas, however I’m already stressing about how I can do it. I so understand what you are saying… It’s so hurtful that you have to beg for help, I’m so sorry you have to go through this… If they are insisting on having it, give them each a list of things they have to do … Or stand your ground… & don’t let them guilt you into having it, talk to family and see if someone else can host … Why should you be in more pain the week between Christmas & new years
My guess is they do care… They just do not understand, and part of the reason so many don’t get it is because so often we push & push ourselves and then suffer in silence … It’s so not fair
I hope it all works out
Sounds like you need to have a heart to heart with both, and start giving them more responsibility
I have to really push my son to help, and sometimes it hurts that he don’t just offer, or he complains, some are just not born to be helpful or maybe we made them like that bec we did everything, it’s prob a bit of both
Hugs & blessings
Okay, here's a radical solution:
Allow the party to proceed BUT tell them that you can't be there and that you won't clean up afterwards. And then do both things to the letter. Tell your husband that he can get the party catered if he wants, but you won't be cooking. I suggest that you go out and do something nice for yourself, like get a massage or a facial or a manicure. There is no excuse on earth for either your husband or son to not help you to prepare or clean for this party other than their own refusal to do it.
I know that sounds rough but what if you asked them to do both things for the party for 14 years? Would they do it or think you are crazy? So why are you expected to do it with no help? Because you're female?
If this sounds way too radical for you, you could stay but still get the party catered and then hire someone to do the clean up. Or at least do one or the other to help yourself out. Might be pricey but it's worth saving your body, because you're absolutely right, you'll only get worse by doing this party.
Good luck, hopeless. I hope one of these approaches appeals to you and works for you!
Hugs,
Petunia