Ive been preparing for a camping trip for a week. My husband has been doing his own thing. As I was tying up all the loose ends here at home all week- watering gardens, cleaning out horse troughs and re-filling, mowing 3 acres, cleaning floors and picking up around the house my husband was not around. He was at his moms watching baseball for the forth time this week. I must say I had a major melt down and spiraled into a crazy rampage. He thinks Im overreacting and maybe I am, but I am exhausted, in pain and so depressed. I don't know about going on this camping trip now. My kids and grandkids will be so disappointed. I just don't know if I can keep going like this if he doesn't step up and help me. Sometimes I think its so much to keep up with here and I need him, but then I ask myself is he really contributing or is he just causing me more stress. He thinks Im acting like a crazy woman. I hate this disease. I cant seem to control my emotions and don't trust that my reaction is valid. I feel so crazy.
Men! They are all the same it seems. Maybe not all, but most.
They have it in their minds that we are supposed to be like their moms and do everything while they sit back and relax.
I finally just had to quit doing it all. I couldn't... And it didn't get done. Eventually and slowly he is stepping up some, he is not happy about it, but that is just the way it is. Write down a honey do list of things he needs to do to help get ready for this camping trip. And if he refuses, just don't go, and the blame will be on him, not you. You shouldn't have to do it all. You can also ask your kids, and grandkids to help too. Give them all lists. My grandma used to say "many hands make light work". Just tell them you can't handle it anymore and it's their turn to do the work, and your turn to relax and enjoy it. If they love you, they will listen.
Take care of yourself
Melody
Hi Debra, goodness, I take my hat off to you. If I did half the things you do on your list I think I would be be in bed for a month! You are not crazy! You are obviously a very caring and giving person. You deserve many hugs doing all you do when you are struggling with Fibro. When I was married I experienced the same thing, with me doing the lion’s share of the work, while my ex played video/computer games. So many of my friends tell the same kind of stories about their husbands, that it keeps me single, lol! And it’s not just husbands! it can also be brothers. My brother and I recently inherited a lake property which we are currently selling. I can’t go and cut grass on two acres of land, he knows my limitations due to fibro and arthritis, so he does do the work but expects me to pay him to do so. Really?!!! Yet it was me who did all the work down there for several years before I got fibro. No one paid me, nor did I expect them too. For some reason I think these type of people need to reexamine their expectations of who is responsible for what and what working as a family means. I think Rosebudsmom made some excellent suggestions. Please take care of you, your grand kids and kids I am sure would love to help if the goal is together we work so together we camp. I send you huge hugs and hope you can get some rest and help with all your chores.
You are not crazy. I KNOW my husband causes more stress than he does help for sure. It’s very frustrating. My husband will admit it and promise to be more helpful, but it never happens. I don’t know about you but I have always been the “care taker” for my whole family, especially my husband. I just can’t be that person anymore and they don’t understand. They cannot relate to how we feel, which is not their fault. I try to understand that. I just wish they would try harder to understand me and learn more about what I go through with this awful disease. Just know you are not alone and definitely not crazy. I hope you take that camping trip with your kids and grand kids. Those are wonderful moments and memories you don’t want to miss out on and am sure they will lift your spirits.
Best wishes,
Melyn
Your not crazy!!!! He could step up and help you. His mom is not a good role model for your kids, she is encouraging him to take time out from his chores and watch TV at her house. I would when calm talk to them both and tell them as sweetly as possible how it is for you when your overloaded with chores. No one understands our pain and often think we are putting it on or just lazy. You are defo not lazy, he is ..By shirking his responabiltys he is making you ill, So let him have it in a calm manner as no one hears us if we shout. They think we are nutty Good luck with it all,,,,, Get some rest
Wow you are AWESOME!!! To be able to do all that… I was just reading and when I read that I had to sign in WooooW!!! You are so strong!!! God bless you!!! Sit down take a break and have a sweet tea!!! I wish I could say on me but I’m not there LOL sounds like you move so fast he probably just goes somewhere and gets out the way take some me time either let him finish while you put your feet up or if you go if you feel up to it (I have grandkids too) when you come back force yourself to slowwww DOWWWN God bless you!!!YOU ARE STILL AWESOME!!!
Lovett what a lovely reply, Education about fibro is key to understanding Thanks for a level headed reply
Im sorry if I offended anyone. I just needed to vent. I do know its hard for him and I am giving him information about this, but he is having a hard time accepting my limitations even when he's reminded. His mother told me she has fibro too, but doesnt encourage him to be more help. I think this makes it harder for him to accept this and makes this more difficult on me.
hi all,my heart goes out to you who are doing so much work and who do not have husbands who are more understanding and helpful. i am a fortunate woman who does have a husband and daughter who are very understanding and helpful and who never have made me feel guilty for being as sick as i have been. however , that being said it is very hard for them that i can not be with them much of the time doing simple things . i have been disabled for 28 years from severe cfids(cfs/me) and all the perks that came along with it. I was bedridden for the first 10 years unable to care for my self . i am not bedridden 24/7 as i was but still mostly homebound and for this we are all very sad. my husband and daughter both suffer from depression which certainly make it much harder. I think one of the key things that someone did suggest is to take your husbands to your appts. the more they can understand what is going on the more they will soften with compassion. it takes time for some. no one wants to say their spouse or loved one is ill and can not be the same as they once were.i send prayers and good thoughts to all for more understanding and compassion.. HUGGGGGS
suzie
Debra,
Hi. I just wanted to reinforce to you that your pain is real and your feelings about the pain are real. I am shocked that you were able to do all of that work while suffering from fibro! That sounds like a full day for someone who is healthy as a horse - and you aren't.
It seems to me that going camping should be a viable option for you IF you don't have to do any of the work. Period. Let your husband and kids do it. You should be allowed to just rest as much as you like. I don't know how comfortable your sleeping device will be so I hope that you can get a good one.
Once your trip is over, it might be a good idea to take your husband aside and talk to him. I've been told that men just do not understand us because we never tell them what we want straight out. I think that is true of many women, as we tend to beat around the bush because we don't think that we are right and our pain is real and that we should speak up. And that's where we fall flat. We do need to speak up.
I would suggest that you tell your husband that your pain level has become unmanageable and that you need his help around the house now. If he takes one day off to watch a ball game, then the next day should be your day off. And you should only do what you can do, not what you think you should do. Fibro has a bad, bad habit of attacking us viciously when we keep working, working, working, pushing ourselves beyond our limit. Please try to stop doing that so you don't push your fibro to the next level. I wish I had known that because that's exactly what happened to me.
If your husband has a hard time understanding fibro, may I suggest that you print out some of our discussions or let him come here to read them. There is nothing like seeing something with a new perspective, that of the complete stranger. For some reason, it's easier to accept something when we see that someone else has it too. It's easier to be perfectly rational when we read their experience instead of too emotionally involved when we hear our loved one tell us how much they hurt.
If that doesn't help, maybe it would be a good idea to bring him to your next doctor visit and have the doctor explain to him what our disease is like.
i hope you take that camping trip and are relaxing right now as I type. Enjoy!
Petunia
I don't think your crazy - I think your husband is. why don't husbands get it (and I say that not because you have fibro but because you should not have to be the only one picking up and cleaning and preparing). And, he should be more sensitive to the fact that you have fibro and see what he could do to help. This makes me so mad and I totally get where you are coming from. My husband is the same way. He just does what he wants while I kill myself to work around the yard and pick up the house. And, I work full time on top of it. He is causing you more stress. And, as far as your emotions go I really think this is not a fibro thing but a marital issue. You are NOT crazy! You are doing everything while he sits and relaxes. This issue with you husband is a HUGE one and has to be dealt with separately, BUT I would go on the camping trip. As you said your kids and grandkids will be disappointed if you don't. Go, but take it easy and let them help out while you try to relax. Focus on them and NOT on your husband and you'll probably feel better. I feel for you Debra....honestly I do. I totally get it b/c what you described is often my life too.
Well camping would've been ok except that I wasn't able to inflate my wonderful mattress as I forgot the pump. As bad as it was trying to rest on the hard ground it was laughable. Then bad went to worse when I had to cut my camping trip the next day as my Aunt is in the hospital dying and I needed to be here for her and my mom who suffers from Rheumatoid arthritis, asthma, copd plus more and her health is a concern for me during this stressful, sad, emotional time. Please send prayers up for the family. Thank you all for your support and understanding.
You got it, Debra! I just put in a prayer for you and your family. And I'm so sorry about your aunt, that is so freaking sad. But you are a wonderful daughter for coming home and being there for your mother, especially as she too is challenged with auto-immune and other health problems. I'm sure she wouldn't know what to do without you being there!
Here is a hug to you and your mother (and aunt): 
I did kind of chuckle about the airless air mattress and forgotten pump although I'm sure it wasn't funny that night!
Hugs, prayers and concern,
Petunia
Hi Debra,
I am praying for you and your family for comfort at this difficult time. And don't feel bad about forgetting the air pump. A couple of years ago I took my then 6 year old daughter camping (single parent so just her and I) and I forgot the tent poles! I was in tears and we had to go buy a new tent. By the time we got back to the campground it was almost dark. Luckily we had nice people next to us who helped me put up the new tent. Of course now every time we go camping my smart daughter double checks that the tent poles are packed. I can laugh now about it but it was awful at the time.
I actually laughed about it. Such a fibro move isn't it :) And thanks for the prayers. Headed to get my mom and go to ICU.
Yeah, it IS a fibro move; too true! You went to such lengths to bring along the mattress, but no air pump! But it must have been a BEAR to try and sleep on the cold, hard ground.
Good luck with your mom and visiting your aunt at the ICU. I know your aunt will be super relieved to see you both, even as sick as she is.
Hugs and smiles,
Pet
It seems like the more awful it was at the time, the more we laugh about it later! I guess to relieve the stress. It wouldn't be obvious to pack along things like tent poles and air pumps to a novice camper. But at least you ladies both toughed it out.