This is the first time I have started a thread here so many of you may not know me yet but tonight I definitely need some support. My husband and I just returned from a 4 night trip to our home town 5 hours away to visit his parents. His mother has been very ill this year and I have done everything I can to support him. He is spending about 20% of his time at his parents. I have tried to hold things together at home while he is gone. He has done no housework, yard work or maintenance around the house. We do have a gardener and have the house cleaned every two weeks but there is still sooo much to do. I finally told him that he needed to stay home last weekend and trim the trees.
We traveled to our home town and I stayed one night in a hotel with my husband, 2 nights with my step-mother which I really enjoyed but it really wore me out and then I spend one night with him at his parents.
There is so much tension due to his mother's illness. In addition to her lung disease she is developing dementia that his father refused to recognize. He joked about her hallucinations like it was no big deal. She sees people that are not there and believes that she has a pet cat that doesn't exist.
When I got there his mother kept telling everyone that she didn't know who that woman was, talking about me. And she didn't like the fact that I was standing so close to my husband. She kept giving me dirty looks and she was obviously distressed so I went to bed about 7pm. I didn't want to upset her more but it really bothered me that my father-in-law started whispering about it to my husband like it was a big joke. After 4 nights of sleeping on horrible beds we had to drive 5 hours home.
That was when my husband said his mother was trying to guilt him into come back for Thanksgiving. She can't remember my name but she can guilt him. So my husband wants to go to their house for Christmas. We already have a trip planned for the week before but he want to go again. My husband said we could talk about it tomorrow. I know this makes me sound like the biggest b&^%h in the land but I don't want to go. I would rather stay home by myself. So my husband comes home and starts talking about how he talked with both of our kids about going.
So here I am tried and in pain and I can't stand the thought of going to their home for Christmas. To be truthful I didn't like going to their home for Christmas before she was sick and I don't want to spend the entire day of Christmas hold up in the guest room.
I am in tears tonight and I want to strangle my husband.
Thank you all for providing a place where I could get this off of my chest.
Traci, I am glad you reached out to the members here for support. Family negotiations can be tricky that is for sure. As you know, stress can certainly aggravate Fibro so you have to try to keep that at a minimum. It is also GOOD to want to take care of yourself, that is the best thing you can do to keep you healthier. Hopefully you and your husband will have a chance to sit down and talk about the pros and cons of going again at Christmas. Maybe you could come up with a happy compromise. Do you and your father's parents have the ability to do virtual phone calls (i.e. face time, Skype)? If so maybe you could virtual call during present opening time so they could watch your kids open gifts. Please keep us updated on how you are doing. Hugs!
Traci, oh dear stuck in the middle of this and your husband not taking any notice of your illness.
For your sake and this is purely what I would do. Tell your husband that you want the cleaner in an extra day, let him go to his Mother’s for thanksgiving. Go on your trip together and then tell him that you will be staying home for Christmas as it’s too much stress at your mother in laws. Tell him you need him home Christmas Day and Boxing Day. Then he can go again. Tell him as long as you are taken care of at home with enough means and someone to do the housework and maybe check on you, that you don’t need the agrivation.
If he needs to be around his Mother at this time there is nothing you will be able to do sweetheart except demand you are taken care of and he comes back to see you once in a while. Tell your GP that you will be alone and get emergency numbers. V
It would seem that your husband doesn't really know much about fibro. The fact that he does not lend a helping hand at home is proof that either he doesn't take your condition seriously, or that he could care less that you are ill. Seeing that his father ignores his mother's dementia, he seems to be using his father's play book by not recognizing your fibro. Can your doctor talk to him about fibro and your needs because of it?
As far as travel is concerned, I'm amazed that you are able to do as much travel as you do. The five hour drive and the strange beds, added to his stubbornness about fibro is a lot to bear. You have to do what is best for you. But don't let him use your children against you or to guilt you. You've got to put your foot down immediately about that.
A long talk with him is definitely in order. And as in any good marriage, compromise should be reached.
Sorry that you have to deal with this on top of the fibro.
I know this frustration! As much as my husband supports me, he forgets I can only take so much. Also, I forget I can't do all that I want. I agree with Val, I would let my husband spend the time with his family without me. If it causes her stress I would use that to back up my need for distance and rest. Good luck!
I am so sorry you are going through this, and it's especially hard at this time of year. I definitely feel your fibro pain and exhaustion, and since I have a mother with dementia (although not so bad as your mother-in-law), I think I can understand. One thing I would tell you is to try not to take her lack of recognition personally. She's not doing it on purpose. I must also say I am worried for her, as you said her husband and your son seem to think it's a joke. I wonder will they still be laughing if she hurts herself, or them. And I totally agree with nightlady that denial of what is happening right before their eyes seems to be the coping mechanism your husband and his father are using. I hope that perhaps, with time, they will see she needs help, and so do they, to deal with the changes happening in her brain.
But most importantly, you MUST take care of yourself. Because, unfortunately, you don't have a choice. We fibro patients forget sometimes about the effect stress has on the disease, and dealing with that particular situation is not going to help you. Not to mention all the travelling. You may feel like you're being a b%&*h, but that's not the case. I used to get so frustrated and hurt with my husband before he finally came around to realizing what the new reality is. But until that happens, you must come first, so you can be in the best shape physically and mentally. Give that gift to yourself for this Christmas. Please let us know how you're doing. xxxooo
You poor thing Tracy, so sorry that you're in this predicament. You've got a lot of good advice already. What we all Don't know is how well you and hubby communicate about your illness, needs etc. If he's anything like mine...his agenda gets looked over first and foremost.
I think it's wonderful that you have cleaning done and a gardener...that would take soooo much off of me although I would prolly follow the gardner around in my walker and tell him how to do his job ;) But obviously it's not quite enough.
Let him know that even though THEY laughed off MoM not recognizing you and her dementia...the truth is that it hurt you and obviously added stress on to MoM...something that you don't want repeated for either of you.
I agree with you. In this situation, I would stay home. Make a call to wish Merry Christmas and then relax, relax and relax some more. Hour long epsom salt bath, pamper yourself. Maybe tell hubby that in all honesty...the best gift he could give you is to let you out of the 5 hour long ride and the nonrecognition and the regular old stress of the holidays. If he says anything about the kids tell him to have them call you and you will explain to them that you just don't have it in you, you're not well now and the trip and stress will only aggravate your fibro symptoms. Stick with what YOU need and how YOU feel about going or not. You can still keep in touch via phone or whatever. It's not like you two won't talk or anything. Stick to your guns though. This trip is not the best thing for YOU. It's his family so he'll be fine without you. Your kids can visit you on home ground...why not?
I would think that after the holidays you two might talk about some resolutions. He really needs to be helping you more and guilting you less. Some acceptance and education for both of you could really help make 2015 a banner year.
You've got us for support anytime Tracy. Hope we help even a little.
I agree. Just tell your husband after this last trip, you realize you just in all honesty, cannot go again. Tell your husband you tried this one time but how much pain you were in and how stressful it is for you. When you are in pain I really don’t think its good to be around other people especially if they add tension. I would tell him that you need to be alone and need to start taking care of yourself. Tell him that he needs to be with his mother but you need to rest. It’s not like you won’t be able to talk to one another everyday or even Skype each other. People used to get mad at me all the time because I didn’t want to join them when there was an event. One person said you can stay home and be in pain or go out with your friends and probably still be in pain but maybe feel better. Nobody knows your body better than you. When I was in pain I didn’t want to go anywhere or be around anybody but my husband. I guess I’m not good at hiding my pain very well. I’m not a good faker. It sounds to me like you need to explain to your husband your illness and maybe even take him to the doc next time you go. Also have him read articles about fibro and how it feels to be in pain all the time. I think you are a pleaser and are pushing yourself to do things you shouldn’t be doing. I had to close my eyes to housework and cleaning. If you can’t do it just have to let it go and force yourself to not let it bother you because you’ll only get worse. Your husband will hopefully believe how much you are hurting and help with more chores. Good luck to you.
Lots of really good advice on here. Just wanted to add my support. Very difficult to know whatis the right thing to do, as far as family is concerned. Of course your husband has to do what he feels is right by his Mum. But you need to look after yourself, realise what your limitations are, and do your best to make hubby understand. Good luck.
Hi Traci Just sending hugs to you. I have to sound like “the broken record” to my partner all the time just so he gets it. He is very caring but I have to tell him all the time when I have bad fm day just to remind him. Hugs Mary
I want to thank you all for providing a safe and understanding place to vent my frustration with the situation. Your support has been wonderful and I really appreciate being able to use the group as a sounding board.
Aloha, you are right on point, I am a pleaser, I want everyone to be happy and happy with me. I feel guilty about burdening my husband with my medical problems (he does not feel that I am a burden) and so I tend to hide my pain and do more than I should. My husband is really understanding about my condition but he is human and the weekend was very stressful for him as well and he blew it in a way that is not normal for him. We talked tonight about how horrid the weekend was at his folks and he asked me not to let him get away with the kind of behavior that his dad pulls. I never have and that is not going to change. We already had the talk about the his need to step it up at home and he agreed. Bunnybumps you are 100% right, I should not take my mother-in-laws inability to recognize me personally and I didn't. She has no control over her mind at this point but it was stressful.
I have not told him yet because he may come to the decision not to go on his own but I have decided not to go to the in-laws for Christmas. I would really rather stay home with my dogs and avoid all the stress, a decision that would have been impossible for me without your help. Thank you all for your very honest and supportive advice.
Hi Traci, if you click the picture next to the persons' name above it will take you to their page. On the left hand side under their picture is a place where you click to send a friend request. I would enjoy having you as a friend on here and I sent you a request :-). Hugs!!!
Traci said:
I would love to friend you all but I can't figure out how to do it. Maybe tomorrow.
I’m so glad you are not going to your in-laws for Christmas. Staying home with your dogs, although they take some work feeding and walking them. At least they will cuddle you and give you unconditional love. I have cats and they were always close to me when I was hurting. Can’t help but put a smile on your face when you have these pets in your family.
Stop feeling like you are a burden and stop trying to please everyone. That’s probably how you got yourself sick. If you hurt, rest. If you have to go someplace and don’t feel well, cancel it. Your friends will eventually understand. Have your husband and children do more for you instead of the other way around. It’s time you took time for yourself to heal.
One other suggestion, if you have access to a heated pool please take advantage of it. Once you are in the water you will feel no pain as you are weightless. Going to the pool I was able to move around like I couldn’t on land. It was relaxing and almost pain free, that and sleeping were the only two things that felt good and peaceful.
the trees can wait! in big things of life they do not matter, nor does the house...especially since you have people to take care of yard and do heavy cleaning.
His mother is very ill and this could be her last holiday so i go there for holidays. How would you feel if she did pass on and your husband feels sad, guilty etc for not taking time to spend it with her??
You might buy some blow up beds...i have had one for years when i travel in case uncomfortable beds...you can adjust how hard they are but most are soft enough to help our hurting bodies.. Or stay in a comfortable hotel/motel for entire time. I go for this because it gives you a place to rest and get away. Make sure you do take time to rest or be alone so you do not get over exhausted which with stress does not take much.
As to her dementia...i think trying to laugh at it might b best ...laughter is best medicine. But hopefully will be laughing all together..husband, you and father in law...and you might kiss him extra so you can laugh to break tension!! Just include your father in law why so he is apart of it.
Sounds like you enjoy your step mother so spend as much time with her as you want or with other friends and family you enjoy and maybe have not seen. Try to do some fun things with your kids!! My point is make it enjoyable for you.
I also think compromise which others mention is good idea...maybe he could bring them up to your house...but it might be more stressful since you cannot escape as you could if you had your own hotel room. Or put them in one if it works.
You might see counselor too. I have had great luck with them helping me solve or find compromise that works for all. Plus they could see how your husband is aware about ibro and his feelings. Resentment or just caught up in his mother's illness? Does he normally help much without you asking? Since he has yard person, but i also do not know how many hours he must put in at his job...some are over 40 hrs easily.
My point is...he is worried about his mom and if he is only son...well sure many wives can talk about sons and their mothers!! All my bf's mom's loved me except my husbands and i wasted years upset about it and only causing him to be in middle...one of my regrets. With counseling i saw problems were with her not me and i could let go and not be hurt. Made my husband's life much easier and he did not want to see her much really!!
but i do hear your frustration and again i don't know how old your kids are..hard to take them out when they believe in santa still and lots of gifts...maybe go few days after or before..or he could spend few days alone. i hear your frustration and am sorry..sure lot is due to exhaustion..tell your husband how tired and need some help. Hire it or him..or let it go..i learned long ago does not matter about such things..spending time with love ones does!
Well , as you can see, everyone has there own opinions. I don’t think you should force yourself to go to please other people. If you are in the kind of pain I was , how could you possibly travel and put on a happy face? I guess some people can and seems to me like that’s what you’ve been doing so people don’t believe you are in that much pain. I wouldn’t put the guilt trip on you regarding your husband’s mom. She does not even recognize you at this point. Also, you just recently visited them; it’s not like you haven’t seen his family in a long time. Just keep thinking of that trip and how you felt. Why would you put yourself in that same position again?When I’m in pain I just want to be in my own home; you can’t really be comfortable over someone else’s house. It’s ok to be selfish you only can do what you can do. Tell your husband you are sorry and if you felt better you would go but you just feel it would be too hard for you. I think you really need to talk to your husband about the extent of your pain and how it drains you not only physically but mentally. Sure there are times when we “have” to do things. For me it was doc appts and swimming and PT. Would hardly socialize cause I’d be miserable but stayed in touch by phone and if I did have a good day I’d go for lunch. My husband had to do all the housework and shopping and take care of me. Of course it’s up to you but I think you need to rest.
Good luck!
Siskiya, thanks for your thoughts on my problem. I seem to have started into a very bad flare. My mother-in-law is not of danger of dying right now. She has been ill for about two years and has survived her lung problems but she is now most likely dealing with a form of dementia. I have stood by my husband for almost 2 years while he has spent about 20% of his time with his parents and I have not complained once. We traveled the 5 hours to see her at the drop of a hat. I have helped in her care, cooked dishes I knew she loved and tried to keep things at home running smooth.
But I have simply over planned for the next 3 weeks. I am not sure I can make the trip up to their home in two weeks, much let turn around and go back making the 5+ hour drive up and back in 36 hours. My husband is more than welcome go to his parents but I don't think I can physically go.
My mother has been showing early signs of dementia and it has been stressful for 4 months now. My sister and I decided not to spend Thanksgiving with her. I just wanted a relaxing holiday without the stress. She went to my brother's house. A new problem popped up -my nephew verbally abused my son while we were visiting her. My sister has no control over the 6 year old and laughs about his behavior half the time. She does do timeouts the other half. They seem totally ineffective. Some things are not laughing matters. I want to spend it with her because she has lived in California for 17 years. I am giving my son the option to either celebrate Christmas with his grandmother and uncle as well as favorite cousin or spend it with me and my sister. He enthusiastically chose Grandma. I figure my son and I can do something together the day before or the day after.
Traci said:
I want to thank you all for providing a safe and understanding place to vent my frustration with the situation. Your support has been wonderful and I really appreciate being able to use the group as a sounding board.
Aloha, you are right on point, I am a pleaser, I want everyone to be happy and happy with me. I feel guilty about burdening my husband with my medical problems (he does not feel that I am a burden) and so I tend to hide my pain and do more than I should. My husband is really understanding about my condition but he is human and the weekend was very stressful for him as well and he blew it in a way that is not normal for him. We talked tonight about how horrid the weekend was at his folks and he asked me not to let him get away with the kind of behavior that his dad pulls. I never have and that is not going to change. We already had the talk about the his need to step it up at home and he agreed. Bunnybumps you are 100% right, I should not take my mother-in-laws inability to recognize me personally and I didn't. She has no control over her mind at this point but it was stressful.
I have not told him yet because he may come to the decision not to go on his own but I have decided not to go to the in-laws for Christmas. I would really rather stay home with my dogs and avoid all the stress, a decision that would have been impossible for me without your help. Thank you all for your very honest and supportive advice.
V