I agree 100% that you should stay home if you choose, but also that you shouldn't make your husband feel guilty about seeing his mother.
I used to feel like I had to attend every family function on both sides, regardless of how I felt. My husband has never had an issue with declining invitations. Like you, I wanted to please everyone. I thought if I didn't go, I was insulting the family.
I still remember the first time I didn't attend an in-law gathering with my husband. I felt guilty, but still felt better at home than in a houseful of people. And guess what? No one cared! My husband lived. He still had a good time. There was no fall-out, no hurt feelings; only sentiments of concern for my well-being, delivered with a plate of food.
BTW, my M-i-L is suffering from dementia, as well. Very difficult for her. She will forget what day it is and call us every few minutes until we can answer the phone or call her back. It doesn't occur to her that we're not home to answer and she gets very frustrated and angry. I feel so bad for her. We only live 10 minutes away and I wish my husband would visit her more often!
Mary, I am sorry that your family is having to deal with the same thing. If my husband goes to his parents on Christmas he can go guilt free as far as I am concerned. It is okay with me if he goes I just don't think I can make the trip. I am not that concerned about what other family members think I do wish I was in good enough shape to go to support him.
I really admire your strength of mind…Something I’m guilty of and I’m sure many others are too, is to do what we think others will want, instead of what we should do to for ourselves. With this in mind, and your decision helping me, I’ve told my brother I am not able to accommodate him for Christmas this year. He took it ok, and a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. So I just wanted to say thank you for your post, you may have been asking for support, but you’ve also helped me
Hi,Tracie,I feel your heart break. Family emotions are extremely hard to deal with when health is an issue. The position yoe are in is very difficult. I had been in that spot on all Mothers Days.I never had my day,only my mother in law.My mother died when I was 23. Now that she has past iI am glad we spent that time with her since ALL the family was there and not divided.
You may find that showing your pictures of other family events with you in the pictures altogether may bring her memory of you back into her mind.
Your husband has to help in this situation,also,or it will heart your marriage . Hugs
Hi Traci, I had 6 of my husband family members over thanksgiving 4 four days, 2 of the boys ages 3 and 4 kept teasing all 6 of my dogs which drove me nuts and I had to say something because their parents wouldn’t, I finally pull my husband to the side and said to him, I love your family all visiting here it’s a 5 hour drive to come down to visit us but you need to say your part when the small boys are getting out of control and also help me more around the kitchen, cooking, washing the dishes and putting the left overs a way, or I’m going to bed and will stay there until everyone leaves. I hate saying things like that but family take advantage of me and I’m done with all that non sense,there not going thru all my pain, going with me to all my dr appointments. Speak up but do it with love, I’m still learning to say things with love even if I’m upset, and honestly it’s been working with my husband. My prayers are with you!
I really admire your strength of mind.......Something I'm guilty of and I'm sure many others are too, is to do what we think others will want, instead of what we should do to for ourselves. With this in mind, and your decision helping me, I've told my brother I am not able to accommodate him for Christmas this year. He took it ok, and a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. So I just wanted to say thank you for your post, you may have been asking for support, but you've also helped me :)
I am so glad that this thread has helped you too. Everyone advice has really helped me to focus on what I need right now rather than focus on what others want me to do. I want to support my husband but I will be doing that from home this year.
Congrats on putting your needs above others wants this holiday season. I am surprised at how uncomfortable it makes me to type those words. It makes me feel so selfish but it is not. Just because we are the wives and mother's doesn't mean that we have to put ourselves in pain or wear our selves to a frazzle making others happy. Congrats to all of us who are taking care of ourselves.
Hi Traci, I had 6 of my husband family members over thanksgiving 4 four days, 2 of the boys ages 3 and 4 kept teasing all 6 of my dogs which drove me nuts and I had to say something because their parents wouldn't, I finally pull my husband to the side and said to him, I love your family all visiting here it's a 5 hour drive to come down to visit us but you need to say your part when the small boys are getting out of control and also help me more around the kitchen, cooking, washing the dishes and putting the left overs a way, or I'm going to bed and will stay there until everyone leaves. I hate saying things like that but family take advantage of me and I'm done with all that non sense,there not going thru all my pain, going with me to all my dr appointments. Speak up but do it with love, I'm still learning to say things with love even if I'm upset, and honestly it's been working with my husband. My prayers are with you!
Hi Chicky. I have had that same holiday. The one where I do all the work and no one lifts a finger to help! Hopefully holidays like that will only be a faint memory for us. I am glad you spoke up and I am glad your husband stepped up. My husband is much better at helping than he was before my fibro. But I think he has trouble understanding and remembering that stress causes me actual pain and makes using my mind fell like walking through waist deep mud.
Thanks for your encouraging words and your great example of how to handles these situations with love.
