I dont know if you guys take care of my absence in the last few months, but my life has been so hectic. My dad had a brain aneurysm , then , blood clots in his lungs and is right leg. he spent about 5 weeks in the hospital. it’s me and my 10 year old daughter, then also my mom my dad and I have a 17 year old sister. as my sister is a teenager, and also homeschooled, I did my best to free up my mother to take care of my sister. through these medical conditions my dad also had a massive stroke for years ago that took his entire right side. with his brain aneurysm, he’s just not completely mentally there. my mom also has fibro. I have fibro, trigeminal neuralgia, and MS.
through all of this my parents have no income coming in thank goodness they have a little bit of retirement savings. I have gotten them on all the government benefits that I can. My mother is not dealing with this well, she stays in bed all day, and says its the fibro, because of that, it leaves me to take care of almost everything in their house so… not to mention on top of that, I work part time, and have my own household and daughter to care for. I also have two adult brothers which are both pastors, both married and they are absolutely no help. They both act as if nothing is wrong with my father. So I’m feeling completely alone taking care of everybody by myself. That’s on top of being ill myself it is way too much to handle. I am falling apart myself. My pain levels are hitting levels that they have never been at before. But, if I say no and don’t do the things for their house hold it will completely fall apart. I will not let that happen to my family. But it is so hard watching my mother stay in bed all day, acting as if everything’s okay and completely depending on me and not worrying about how I am physically doing. I said no to giving her a ride last week because she didn’t feel good enough to drive herself. she completely went nuts on me which at that point I just couldn’t handle it anymore and fell apart in the middle of Walmart. One example of this with my mom is my dad pooped himself. I was just down the hall getting him cleaned up, took a look at my ma around the corner, and she said " I just can’t do this!" what?! I shouldn’t be cleaning my dad up that way while my Mom sits on the couch! Having my brothers completely un supportive and acting as if nothing is wrong is probably the hardest thing. I don’t even get any calls or messages or emails from them just simply asking how I’m doing. I feel so completely alone in this process, with my own financial problems I’m barely able to pay my rent. I’ve gone to working for myself working only part time. I love where I work which is the greatest thing of all. Working where I get my break, work is where I don’t have to think about things. I just need to download on my friends here, friends you understand my physical problems. Is there any prayer warriors reading this, please pray for me I need all the support I can get right now. As I said I have absolutely no support. I have a best friend whom I love dearly that lives in a different state for me. She seems completely focused on other things right now which is very hard. When I call it’s usually her talking about her frustrations. I just can’t hear it anymore I need the support!
Do you have any kind of Home Health care that can come in to help occasionally with your father where you live? Would he qualify for disability and that would pay for it? You are an ANGEL! I know that doesn't help your pain, but I hope it helps your heart. I will never understand why the ones that are more physically capable of doing what you are doing don't and leave it to people like us. I'm kind of in your shoes, no where near what you are facing thank goodness. Four years ago I moved in next door to my grandmother to "keep an eye on her" as a favor to my mother who lives 10 miles away. I am pretty much her taxi and gopher. Lucky for me she can care for herself, she just can't drive. I hope you get the assistance you desperately need!
We have applied for disability. He has someone come in and shower him 3x a week. In Colorado, he has to be on long term Medicaid before we can get more assistance. At that point I could also be his ‘provider’ and be able to get paid for ehat I do. Its all a matter of waiting. i did recently find out i qualify for Medicaid myself- which will liftt a HUGE financial burden from me.
I am just doing what i believe is right.
Thank you so much for the suppirt! And may you be blessed for what you do for your Gradma!
Wow, Blue-eyed girl, yes, you do need our support in a big way! But even more than that, you need the support of social services. Is your dad eligible for a home health aide? It sounds like he should be, and one who is around much of the time. You are absolutely correct, this is NO job for his daughter to have to do. I realize that your mom is sick with fibro but my opinion is that you should sit down with her and tell her how inappropriate it is for you to be doing this for your own dad and that if she can't do it, then someone needs to be hired. And yes, I understand the money issue but maybe if you tell her that you refuse to do it anymore from here on in she might just accept her own responsibility in his care.
I work with Meals on Wheels and I know they are tied in with other social services. I would suggest that you call them or, better still, your local elder services, and ask for any service that might be available for your parents. I am not sure about the age requirement for these services, though. There should also be social services in your area for disabled people. Have you contacted them? If not, please do so immediately. They would be a Godsend to you.
If you fail in getting support from these sources, consider asking your local church. Or even the local Baptist Church. They are excellent people in helping others in a time of need.
Have you considered calling up your mother's doctor and telling him that your mother is seemingly very depressed and cannot or will not get up from her couch? This is something that she may not even be aware of or be willing to discuss with her doctor, but he should know. And if he knows, hopefully he will broach the subject with her at her next appointment.
Is your sister able to get government aid as a minor child of two disabled parents? And what about your daughter? I'm no expert in these fields but I would think they both would be eligible for some assistance.
As for your brothers...maybe it is time to write them a polite letter telling them exactly how ill their father is, and then stating that as responsible leaders of their community, you are sure that they would want to be aware of and assist in their father's ongoing situation. You might also explain that although they are responsible for their congregations' families, of course they want to also be responsible for their own father's. I would aim away from writing anything that sounds accusatory. And then if they didn't respond to the letter, I would post it to my Facebook page. Politely, of course. You would be surprised at how putting information out in front of respectable friends can sometimes make a person jump to action.
If I've just jumped in with advice instead of simply listening, then I apologize. I am worried about you, Blue-eyed, as I've worked with disabled elderly people and I know how their adult spouses soon burned out on the care factor. You also have figured into the mix the fact that you're a daughter, not a spouse, and have very serious illnesses of your own to contend with.
And yes, I will pray for you. Hopefully if nothing else works, that will.
I do really appreciate your advice. As my parents were only 60 years old there’s a lot of limitations but they can get in till there a 62. Right now apply for and waiting to get everything that we can possibly get through social services. I really feel like they have left me completely hanging out without any kind of assistance at all the take care of them. Waiting for things to go through is really a horrible process. Right now the saying that were waiting on mostly is for the state of Colorado to wait to decide if my dad is truly disabled.
As far as my mom goes, everytime I try to talk to her she told me that I need to respect her because she is my mother. Going to her doctor ahead of her is way out of the question. I do believe it this time that not only is she depressed but she is completely crazy. She’s not dealing with this well or in the right way. She’s acting like a princess was always been served her entire life and again refuses to take responsibility that she needs to. But without anybody else to back me up it is very hard to go to her and say these things. I have to be completely remind me over and over and over again how I disrespected her.
As far as the local church goes it is very hard situation, I have asked them if I could go to church and they have responded and said yes. So I go to church in our pastors come to the house to talk to them and talking about political things and not about the issues at hand. At these moments my mom goes into hey persona that everything is fine and she’s this happy person and coping with everything very well.
Without my brothers to back me up and see the situation for what it is I cannot address these issues. I have also address the on support of this to both of my brothers and they seem to care at the moment but then time passes and nothing happens. The right now I’m just kind of stuck in a rut. I’m going to be going tomorrow to talk to her Social Services case worker to see where were at with everything and if there is any more we can do. Right now in the family everybody except me is on Medicaid. We are also getting food stamps which I’m very grateful for. My parents are also getting some cash assistance was really helps them out. But as I said the biggest frustration any assistance is waiting for these processes to go through in the time that it takes for applications to be processed and things and people to decide whether my dad actually disabled or not.
I myself is av already to apply for disability didn’t turn down once in a minute im in the appealing process.
My mother doesn’t have enough work credits to qualufy for disability. And right now they have too much money in a retirement accounts to be eligible for Social Security… we did have other people that were coming into the house to assist my dad. 1 was ok physical therapy worker who did some work with my dad and was so completely ridiculous. I managed to get him into outpatient physical therapy which is great for him but the problem is he supposed to be doing exercises at home which he doesn’t remember to do in my mom feels like it’s not her job to do it with him. I just wish somebody could swoop in and just be here and support me every hour of everyday but that’s not the case where I’m at right now but I’m an unknown a strong person and I know I’m going to get through it and I know why it’s not going to be like this forever
So, i really have done everything i can as far as assistance goes. Ive looked into meals on wheels too and they dont service their area.
I do like the idea of letters to my brothers.
Everyone seems to think dad should go to a home.
Mom doesnt understand that wiuld leave her in a bad financial situation. And dad isnt bad enough for a home. My older brother just says put him in a home too. It ishard to think that if this was a family in either of their congregations, they would be of more assistance.
I'm sorry that Meals on Wheels won't go to your area. Are you also ineligible for their other services, beyond the meals? I know they also offer home health aides and such, at least in my area. That's why I suggested them as a resource, not just for meals.
The letters might work. Or else it could anger the brothers. But they truly aren't doing their sonly duty to their father. They really do need to get on the stick.
I'm REALLY GLAD that you've applied for Medicaid for them.
I need to leave for now but will write more later.
HUGS!!!
Petunia
I really am disappointed in the brothers.
I have sought out all assistance im aware of, alot is hung up in the application process, which is why I need to check up on things tomorrow.
I cant think of one member of my family who knows whats really going on- who has the whole picture.
On a good note- within a few months, ill be working with a residential team in the nueroscience department at the University Hospital in Denver on my future treatment. That has been a MAJOR blessing to have my case chosen for that!
I think that family members like to think that everything is all neatly "under control" with a seriously ill parent, so they don't have to get involved. Or they think they don't have time for the seriously ill parent, and maybe they don't. Except it's their own parent, the person who made time for them when the parent had no time. It saddens me when I see family members act this way and put the onus of health care on one poor family member.
Blueeyes, you sound like you have your head firmly screwed on with the resources available to you, so instead of making unnecessary suggestions, I'll just offer you my hope and prayers that your applications are processed immediately so your entire family can get assistance. It's beyond belief that you have to wait at all, given the extreme circumstances you are in.
However, on your good note, that is freaking fantastic news!!! If anyone can help you, they can. And hopefully they'll be able to give you some answers too, instead of just pain relief. This should be a fascinating time for you (hopefully) and I hope that you'll be so kind as to share some of it with us. I don't know how you managed to get this mini-miracle into your life but GOOD FOR YOU!
HUGS and COMFORT,
Petunia
Thanks so much! I managed it by being very nice, but very pushy. Also have a doc who just doesnt know what more she can do for me- that was the biggest card. In so much pain now it hurys to use my hands. So I will talk later. Thanks so much again.
Hi Blueeyedgirl, WOW !!! I am so humbled by your story… First let me say … You are one incredible women !!! You have so much to think about & take care of !! Petunia has so many great ideas…
I can say for sure you will be in my prayers …
It does really bother me that your brothers are not helping, I will pray they recognize your burden !!
But it bothers me even more that your mother is not doing more … I understand depression& I’m sure she is!
However… If you burn out who is going to take care of you & your daughter… I understand you are trying to keep things togeather, but you need to take care of yourself first !!! Please put yourself first, if you back off a bit, maybe your mother will do more… You are not responsible to take care of your parents, your responsibility is to yourself & your daughter
Maybe it will help your mom get up , it’s like tough love
I’m really concerned for you…
I’m so sorry your parents are so sick… And your friend is not giving you some support… And your brothers are so checked out… And on top of all that you suffer w fibro, TN & MS… Oh how you will be in my prayers… It’s gotta be the only way you have held up… One day at a time…
We are here for you !!!
Prayers, hugs & blessings
P O’d the prayers mean so much I can’t tell you how great it is to have some people supporting me. I’ve been alone on this for 5 months now, and it is just as I said overbearing can’t do it alone anymore. They have people understand exactly where I’m at mean so much. Everywhere I go people ask me how my dad is doing. It is great to people care so much about my dad, but I just want somebody to ask me how I am doing. I wish my mom would step up more she has some from where she was at. 3 months ago we were still living with them to help out but we couldn’t take that 1 anymore and got to move back to our apartment which is such a relief. So on that note she has stepped up some, but as I’m there watching what she does with my dad it is just very hard to see. After I left my message for everybody to read yesterday, we went over there to have lunch with them, I release are how much my mom really does disrespect my dad it is very hard thing to see because then on that my sister disrespect him as well it is no wonder he is completely tune out of life. I also want to check up on the bills and things to make sure they were getting paid… And I couldn’t find any of the mail from the last month. Anyways, I hope when is thank you guys so much for your support I can’t put into words how much it means to me.
Please excuse some mistyped words. Im using the voice type feature on my phone…