I am going to try and make this brief. My mother and I have had a very dysfunctional relationship since I was 15 years old. She verbally and emotionally abused me from 15-21 years old. I was suicidal when I was 16 years old and would think of different ways to die. At 22 I got married and had two daughters by the time I was 24. She would be ok for a while and then start up her tantrums. We would not speak for months at a time (once it was one whole year). My mother has many psychiatric issues including jealousy towards me for many reasons. She also has narcissistic tendencies. When my mother was on vacation she would be fine, when she would return after a couple of months she would start up again. I would try to maintain control but sometimes she would infuriate me and I would let loose which only made things worse.
In the past two years she has had two major surgeries. I have been at the hospital with her and after at a physical therapy place. She cannot be left alone due to the fact that she hardly speaks English and she would raise such a ruckus that the nurses would call the family to come in. I would take turns with my father during the day and my brother would sleep in her room at night. This is the sacrifice I have made with all my health issues. I forgave my mother for the mistreatment I received as a teen but I will never forget it.
Today...she has Parkinson's and several other health and mental conditions. She had a nurses aide come in three times a week to help her but my father thought it was way too expensive and let her go. Of course, my mother got attached to her because this young girl (Spanish) would coddle her, compliment her and my mom loves the attention!!! My parents went on vacation to Italy for three months and when they got back I stepped in three times a week to help them. I take her to all her doctor appts and basically babysit her while my father runs errands. Today she is starting up on me again, bringing up the past (my divorce) etc...trying to push my buttons on different things. I am trying to remain calm but due to my health...I get very moody, irritable and am very tired.
I don't know what to do, should I tell my father that I can't come over and help him anymore? He knows that she is mentally unstable but does not want to start anything because she will make his life miserable. My brother is no help, he lives over an hour away, and is only concerned about his job and making money.
I don't know but I think I need to look for a therapist under my insurance. I don't want to have a nervous breakdown. Thanks for reading this.
Happy New Year Linda, I think your idea of seeking a therapist to help you with this situation is an excellent idea, you need to put your health first.
You mentioned that your father stopped getting a nurses aid in because it was too expensive but you also indicated that they went to Italy for 3 months. Just wondering how they dealt with the situation in Italy, who looked after your mother during their vacation. As well can they afford to have a nurses aid in three days a week and if they can why are they expecting you to be there when you have your own health conditions?
These are questions I’d be asking in your situation. I understand that your father needs some respite, perhaps your father can look at getting a nurses aide in two days a week, he could ask your brother to cover a few hours on the weekend. , and you could cover for a few hours a week if you’re able. Your mother may stop pushing your buttons if you see her less.
Unfortunately, from what I’ve read, most fibro sufferers are over achievers and also take on a lot of responsibility for others which affects their own health negatively. We’re also very good at guilt trips. Please look after yourself.
Hi Linda. I could't help but think of my own Mother as I read your story. She passed away two years ago, next week. When my Dad passed away my Mom was left alone in the family home, where I grew up. She had alzheimers and many other health things going on. She was very difficult to deal with. Here was my Mom a strong, controlling and opinionated woman who wanted to either move in with us or have me live with her. Our answer was having our daughter and her family move in and take care of her. It was still hard, but if I had to have taken care of her I would be in a much worse mental state than I am. I am here to tell you that your father needs to get some outside help. I think it's very hard for elder adults to realize when a loved one needs help other than us. We, the fibro community in general, tend to be the ones who take care of everybody. And then we break. Caring for my Dad (we brought him to our home) and then my Mom did take a huge toll on my mind and my body. I don't think I can recover completely. Maybe it's partly the grief, I really don't know. But it's a difficult situation. No doubt. I am bipolar and have just started exploring that world because I have time now. HOly cow, what a mess. It's very interesting how our stories all play out.
I really feel for you Linda. Yes, I would seek some therapy. A nervous breakdown isn't an option! It sounds like you need to separate yourself a bit and work on doing some things for you. You are so important. Put your own well being first, just this once. You will find yourself much healthier.
Just had to add this. One thing that can happen when you have someone else come in and do the caregiving is that you can be your Mom's daughter again. When you aren't wearing that caregiver hat you and your Mom can relate on a whole other level. I am thankful for the time I could go and just sit with Mom. She loved it when I read to her. YOu can still be a loving daughter. And you can be a good Mom at the same time.
Thank you for your response. My parents were born in Italy and all of my relatives are there. She was fine mentally there because she had my relatives and her friends keeping her company therefore she was distracted. I really hoped that my father would of kept her there with a 24 hour aide or put her in the nursing home in the town where she was born. Unfortunately, he bought her back to the states and now she is miserable again and making everybody's life miserable also including my father.
Both of my parents do not take my health issues seriously. I wanted to help my father because he is losing his patience with her and I don't want anything to happen to him. He is 85 years old, but Thank God healthy!
My brother will not sacrifice his life or going to his vacation house on the weekends! Once every 8-10 weeks he will come down during the week and sit at my parents on his laptop..working.
If it continues, my father is going to have to hire someone either 2 or 3 times a week. It kills him to spend money on a stranger. He gives me less than half the money he was paying the aide and I lost my job in July!!
Italian parents sure know how to lay guilt trips!! lol
Yes he is going to have to hire someone again. She is VERY difficult! Both of my parents are very sarcastic so my daughters want very little to do with them. It is a sad situation.
She always wanted me to stay alone after my divorce and just take care of her when she got old. So I had to sacrifice my happiness and life for her...and she was abusive towards me!!! I guess she did not see it that way. I am engaged and my fiance is very imp to me. She gets annoyed that I spend my weekends with him and not her and my father. So of course we get into tiffs but I try and remember that she has mental and physical issues and I try to be understanding but it is tough.
Thanks Tina. I am going to start looking for a therapist to learn how to effectively deal with her. She is definitely a narcissistic person. Its all about her and she loves the attention!! I am doing this to help my father out, God Forbid if anything happens to him..I will shoot myself...lol
HI LINDA YOU SHOULD TALK TO A THERAPIST.SEE WHAT THEY RECOMMMEND. GET SOME OUTSIDE HELP AND. MAKE TIME FOR YOURSELF YOU CAN HRLP TAKE CARE KF HET BUT LESS THAT WSY YKULLNZEE HER BUT SHE WONT BE ABUSIVE JUST MY OPINION.YOURE IN MY THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS.