This year my partner and I decided to get married (we have been together for 6 years now, engaged for 2). A few months later and he confesses that he has imagined what life would be without me, being able to do what he wants when he wants, without having to look after me.
You see my fibro is severe and so I am dependent on him… having him want to leave me was like breaking my heart into a million pieces. He knows if he left then I would have nothing to live for anymore. I dont hold that over him though. We had so many discussions after that. Were still getting married at the end of the year. He loves me and reassures me that he would never leave me even though he had doubts.
The problem now is that every day I feel like I’m not good enough for him. That I’ve taken what could’ve been a normal life with a normal fun energetic wife away from him. I cry myself to sleep every night because I imagine what things would be like if I just left this world. I feel like hes the one thing that I really dont deserve. I feel like me being someone with fibro, I’m ruining his whole life.
I wish I could just stop feeling like this.
Hey Rosellas,
Some of us males have a condition, it’s called ‘Foot IN mouth’ disease. I’m one of them. I can say the wrong thing at exactly the wrong time and that’s without even trying. I can shove my foot so far in my mouth I can almost kick myself in the backside (sometimes I think my wife would wish to kick it for me). It’s not that I purposely offend nor even try to offend but I can say things not comprehending the fragility of the situation.
With rare conditions and relationships communication is paramount. Things are not easy for us, but things are not easy for our partners either and it is something that needs to be discussed openly. When it comes to ‘invisible’ conditions this is even more so. Often there aren’t any outwardly obvious signs when we are symptomatic, it’s not like we come out in a big red rash that shows we are unwell. Some days can be OK, some days can be absolute hell and this can fluctuate massively. Some people simply can’t understand that. Often their understanding of illness is:
Get sick => Rest and recuperate => Get well
But often this just isn’t our reality. For some we get in a cycle going around and around and around. For those who don’t understand it all (as if we do), it can need to be explained.
Love is an odd thing, but if he’s prepared to make the commitment, then my advice: Don’t question it, just accept it. I say this now but when I got married I thought this woman was bonkers for agreeing to marry me. In fact I told her “You sign that piece of paper and it’s a life sentence…” but she tells me she knew what she was signing up to. See, I told you she was bonkers .
And please, stop doubting yourself. Your man sees something worth keeping a hold of, just accept that and trust in your man.
Thank you for your kind words. It’s nice to know someone out there who has been through the same situation.
I do admit I think my partner is absolutely crazy for marrying me. I have told him many a time that if he goes through with it he isnt allowed to divorce me, he signs the paper and hes stuck with me forever!
I will try to think better and stop doubting. I’m somewhat in a habit of catastrophising everything lately.
It’s hard when you’re dealing with so much crappy stuff, not to catastrophize, isn’t it? And you are so right: it’s a habit.
What I do (OK, I TRY to do…) is not overthink or extend my thinking too far ahead. So “The plant my friend gave me is GORGEOUS!” does NOT become “The plant my friend gave me is gorgeous and with my brown thumb, it’ll probably be dead by Sunday.”
It takes a lot of practice to not do that. Ask me how I know!
I think this is something we all struggle with at times. If someone says they don’t, they’re lying.
I feel like I can give you advice not as a professional, but from experience. You see, I’ve been married for 35 years now; 25 of those years I’ve had fibro. I was successful. I’m a mom, and I was a young mom of two when fibro began. I was a fit, energetic person before fibro. Fibro has a way to sneak in there and affect your emotional state, especially in the early years. The best thing you can do is talk to your sweetheart. Be completely honest about how you’re feeling. Get all of this cleared up now. Then start doing something to make YOU feel better and have no guilt over it. It can be really simple- a nap every single day, time to read, leaving yourself a positive note each day.
I don’t know if you’re a believer, but I believe God really does have a purpose for allowing each thing in our lives. I just couldn’t understand for the longest why He allowed this in my life. Then one day, I heard my son talking. He was only in the first grade when I first got sick. He started listing all the positive things that had happened in his life because I got sick, which cause me to have more free time. Talk about a wake up call! I now see how compassionate my grown children are, and I truly believe that my illness had a huge impact. Believe it or not, you will look back and see how your life has affected others. This road is definitely for warriors, and God obviously believes you to be a warrior too. Strap that shield on, but remember, being a warrior also means you’re a part of an army. Your army is here for you! Lean on us. When family and friends don’t quite understand, your fibro friends will. It’s not that our family is not caring; it’s just hard to grasp.
Sorry this was long. Take the time to talk to your sweetie. Marriage is wonderful, and you want to start out confidently.
Hi Rossellas, I see you posted this some time ago. I am in no way a professional, but… I am hoping, and would suggest that both of you see a counselor or a neutral third person to talk about concerns both of you have. Maybe you can find a way to help each other and make sure both of you get your needs met.
Hey,
Thank you for all of your advise. We were able to keep talking through everything and will be getting married next month! I still regularly feel like I’m never going to really be good enough but my partner continuously tells me otherwise and hes getting very excited over marrying me. He didnt know me before I was sick, and he didnt know what he was getting into, but he did choose me from the start, has supported me through it all, and soon it will be 7 years together
.
