I’m not sure even where to begin. I feel like my marriage is completely falling apart due to my fibromyalgia/pain. I’ll be honest-I vent a LOT to my husband. Im not asking him to fix anything, just need an ear. He thinks he is supportive. I, on the other hand, feel he isn’t and says/does things that make me feel even worse than I already do, which is pretty bad 
He has made comments like he “wants the old me back.”. Today he told me I am a miserable person and he doesn’t understand how I can exist (not exact word, but you get the idea) being that miserable. He says I complain 90% of the time. He tells me he has pain every day that he just keeps to himself because he doesn’t want to bother me with it. He has no medical problems, but has had a herniated disc in the past. Last week I had an MRI and have 3 bulging discs, DDD, an annular tear, and some sort of hemangioma. I’m waiting for my neuro to call to discuss all this (a whole other story). I have struggled with anxiety/depression for years and am on meds for this. I find myself feeling more and more resentful towards him. I am also struggling with the feeling that maybe he’s right. What is the point of all this? Is it best for me to just keep all my feelings in and pretend to be the “happy wife?”. Anyone else been thru this? Advice/recommendations would be REALLY APPRECIATED!
To put this in perspective:
I have had similar problems in my relationship. I have been nearly incapacitated by a laundry list of issues for the past year. It can put a great strain on my relationship since it is extremely rare that I am not either sick, at work, or at the doctor's. And I'm always sick and in pain, just some days I have some ability to function. So I can't clean, many times can't be held, can't go out as much, have to go to bed early, and am frequently emotionally withdrawn.
I get in moods where I am very negative, and this is usually where arguments start. What I've realized is that for him and for me I need to pull out of everything being about me. I have a lot of issues, but it is not fair to my partner to constantly be bailing me out physically/mentally/emotionally without any support in return. This will just burn him out.
Also when I get withdrawn, or focused on my anger, despair, and all the other negative emotions associated with my medical condition it is more unhealthy for me than it is for him.
I am still very open with where I am at, and get support from him whenever I need it. Though I don't let myself jump in the pit. Instead I give back what I can. Watching a movie, having great conversations together, letting myself get further into his interests. By being there for him in whatever capacity I can I get a break from my emotional pain, and quite a bit of the physical pain. Me engaging more in our relationship gives us both relief. I make sure we get quality time everyday.
Also my partner's pain is just as important as mine. He also has medical issues, his are mostly in remission, but when he is sick, or having a bad day in anyway he has every right to my attention. Relationships need to go both ways to be healthy.
It's also very important to my partner to know that I am trying as hard as I am able to get as better as I can, that I keep fighting. He's there to support me in that fight. Continuing the fight is very important to the emotional and spiritual health of our relationship. It's not fair to him if I give up, it's also not fair for him to leave me to fight alone.
Have you thought about seeing a counselor? I have a journal I write in everyday it seems to help with my emotions I can rant away I keep it lock up so nobody can see it since I don't want anyone to have hurt feelings.
Hi Mrsg, I hope you can find a way to communicate with your hubby, perhaps a a therapist could help. Sometimes we don’t realize how stressful it is for our loved ones. I think we have to keep our venting in check, maybe pick and choose what we talk ( complain ) about. I realized that most people like to be able to fix the problem & that’s impossible for us… So I think it’s important to let them know what we need.
Sending hugs
dee B
Oh, mrsg, I can surely understand where you are coming from. It is a big job to be us, the people with all of these odd and painful things going on with our bodies and our minds. I have struggled with depression and anxiety for our entire marriage, through the ups and downs of raising 4 kids and had back problems forever too. Now we're dealing with the fibro on top of it. Sometimes we can't help but be down pretty low.
I try to find humor in whatever I can. If dinner gets a little burned, I try to laugh. Laughing actually does help with our depression. It releases a happy hormone, whether we want it or not! I have noticed when I am able to make light of an otherwise dreadful day or moment, my husband laughs with me. It is hard for them. We don't understand fibro, I can't imagine how it must be to be the support system for us. I think many times these support beams in our lives break. It's so sad. and so hard. We never know when it will be the last straw. Is that how you feel?
We have gone to counseling off and on for many years. Would your husband agree to that? If you can both be honest in front of someone else it is extremely helpful. There is something about having that third person who is impartial to bounce things off of. I would really try for that, mrsg.
Best of everything to you and your hubby,
LKitty
I have DDD, fibro, & a lot of other things going on. It is hard for my family to understand sometimes. When you hurt and can't be touched or in bed all day. You need to vent but so does your hubby. We go to counseling, it's hard to let those feelings free because you probably never let everything out, but it does help. Am positive that if you ask your husband if he would rather give up or fight he would say fight. My prayers go out to you & your family.
Thanks so much for all the replies! We have been to counseling in the past regarding family (child) issues. We have a blended family that has been difficult to deal with at times as well. My husband has 3 children from a previous marriage as do I. Then we made the decision to have 1 between us. Other kids are 25, 23, 22 year old twins, 17, and 14. The baby turned 2 in May. I had a C/Section with her and then developed an abdominal hematoma (blood clot) and had to have 2 units of blood. 2 weeks after I had her I awoke to severe Fibro symptoms. I have spoken with my husband (at work today) and we are definitely going to go thru some more counseling. He is pretty much my only support system other than my mom, but she lives 1800 miles away and I only see her about once a year. I just pray counseling will help him better understand and improve our marriage.
You have had your share of tough times! You have reason not to feel good with so many health issues. I hope I didn't diminish those in any way. I'm so glad you will be going to counseling together. Hopefully he will gain better understanding of your needs and become more firm in his commitment to you. You need love and support, especially from your husband. Could be he just needs a vote of confidence from someone outside the marriage. A little boost!
I'll say a prayer.
Hugs,
LKitty
Thank you all SO much for the support. It really, really helps when you feel so alone :). You guys are wonderful and I am so glad I joined!
Hi MrsG,
If couple's counseling doesn't help, how about getting counseling on your own, so you have another person to talk to about your medical problems? You certainly have the right to express yourself and your pain in a positive environment where you don't feel judged. Therapists are great for this. You would have the privacy and luxury of talking exclusively to this person without them getting angry or frustrated at you. Sound good?
Meanwhile, it sounds like your husband is saying that he is suffering from fibro fatigue - not that he's angry at you but he is at the fibro. And he sounds like his "tank" is "full" from fibro talk at the present time. Think of it this way: imagine if you were to listen to someone on here talk all the time about her fibro and irritable bowel and migraines and swelling and arthritis and etc., etc., while you listen and do not talk about yourself. It would be stressful, wouldn't it?
We people do the best we can but something like fibro taxes the patience of the person who has it, as well as those who listen. There's just so much to it and so much pain related to it. I honestly don't think that one person can handle all of the listening. That's why I suggest a therapist who can stand in as a positive listener. It seems like a much fairer system for you - and for your husband. And it seems like it might bring down the tension in your marriage, which was my intention and why I suggested it. YOU need to feel heard and not feel judged and YOUR HUSBAND needs to feel less stressed when you both interact. At least that's my impression.
MrsG, I hope my words don't offered or upset you. I'm just trying to see the bigger picture and offer a view from there. I'm hoping and praying for positive resolution for you and your husband.
Gentle hugs,
Petunia
I feel for you and can relate to what happens with relationships when fibro is involved. My husband and I went to counseling a few years ago to help with stress and his selfishness. Much of it is from his mother - and he was the baby in the family and has her personality and sharp tongue. Someone who doesn’t think before they speak. The counseling helped immensely and we have code words instead of getting into an argument. It works really well. I see a therapist regularly and talk to her about the pain, guilt, doctors, etc. This way I don’t burden him and vent too much. There are days when he knows its bad and just picks up or asks if there’s anything he can do so I can lay on my heating pad.
If you think about it, nobody wants to hear over and over about the same topic. And when our days are filled with the same thing, it’ll get old to our partner too. My husband feels the loss just like I do - and I don’t want to lose what we have. I tend to go overboard if he’s hurting somewhere - and of course some guys just hate being babied. Oh we’ll, that’s the mother in me! Hang in there mrs.g - it’ll work out if you want it to. hugs~