Let me first say I am not trying to scare any one. I have so much stress right now and I keep thinking about wanting to die. I have not had any thoughts of suicide. But I keep finding myself hoping my next breath would b my last.
Does this mean I am suicidal??
My family keeps bringing up how much of a burden I am. They keep reminding of how much money they have helped me with and how much they have given to me for meds and gas for my car on so on. I keep being told how I should be tring to work so they don’t have to help support me. If I could I would work and save to move out. Right now my attempts at working had not gone well at all. With in weeks of starting both jobs I got so sick I could not work. With bothjjobs I ended up with a stomach bug with in weeks. I was so weak and sick I could bearly take care of myself.
I do finally have my court date for my disability hearing. Its about a month away. And if all goes well and I get the back pay I will finally be able to move out. But until that is all settled and I get money coming in I am pretty much stuck.
I have no desire to kill myself but I also don’t want to live. My fibro is really bad along with horrible tension headaches/ migraines. I am worried about getting another hemiplegic migraine. They seem to hit when my stress level is really high. I am also worried about getting very sick again. I just finished 2 14 day courses of antibotics along with many days on steroids. My aumunine system is pretty much gone and I am wide open to get sick again.
I just wish my life was not so messed up. I feel like getting fibro has pretty much destroyed my life. I had hopes and dreams of my life as a wife and mother at my age (30). But now the thought of dating scares me. I do have the 24 hour help line # in my phone if my thoughts of dying go any further.
Thanks for taking the time to read this. Any help would be great. I feel so stuck and I don’t see a way out.
Sincerely Stephanie
Good morning, yes, at times life does suck. But we don’t. Please reevalule your life, start new today, focus on yourself not others or how others feel or think about you. I do work with my Fibro, this week I’m pain free, however, I had a 6 week flair up I thought, how the hell could a body hurt so much. I am a bartender and it does take a few hours to start to feel better at work, and feel better doesn’t be no pain, but being at work laughing and talking take my mind off the pain, and when I get home I wrap my self in a hot heated blanket. And do the same then next day. Staying home makes me depressed and I’m to focused on my pain if I stay home. Lets face it the pain is here for good, I would rather be in pain at work than in pain at home. If you canfind a job where you are around good people. And if you do get your disability, please don’t stay home, please get out, and believe me I know it’s hard to get up and out. I went through a bad divorce where my ex took my house and kids, and I know what depression and pain is, but things are good now. Your only 30, get up,do your hair and make up, smile and try to make every day a new day, it will be hard, even if you go out for a while, smile. Even if you go to the store stop and smile, and keep doing it, you can be depressesd home, but when your out enjoy everyone you meet, your not a burden, your sick and some people think Fibro is not an illness, and I was one of them, take a deep breath, get up, face your day , smile. Dee
Hi Stephanie - my best advice is to call this hotline that we set up just for these times: 1-800-273-TALK
these people are professionals and know how to talk you through it. All of the folks here, especially the moderators, really care about you but also aren't trained to discuss these type of issues. If you call the hotline, they will be there for you.
This is a wonderful group and the best thing is that people care about each other here. I'm sure you've already noticed that. We absolutely want you to be part of the family for a long time!
Scott
Hi Steph, I sent you a message and lots of love!
Sweetie, I’m sure you have felt like this many of times. Just like I have. But you will pull through it. You always have done and always will.
I would defo say to see a professional to help you too as well as sharing your problems with friends. They can help you much better in a way too. But thanks for telling us how you feel.
It is a good idea to try to get out of the house more. It depressed me so much and I’m sure it won’t help you. You need a balanced state of mind to manage the fibro and you need to do everything you can to keep this.
You’ve come so far and survived every day of fibro. You always will, trust me. There is hope.
Love n hugs
Jo
Xxx
Steph - it hurts us all to see someone in so much emotional pain. I believe we all have had the same thoughts when we’re in overdrive and it doesn’t seem to end. Some good advice from all - have you tried your local Health Services Dept. ? They may have free counseling sessions to help you get through this. Don’t stress yourself out thinking of all the what it’s - easier said than done. Will say many prayers that your disability comes through for you very soon. hugs~ Sandi
thank you all for responding. i was up very late last night and didnt fall asleep till around 5am. the pain is still here today but not as bad. while i do like to get out and i know it helps i need gas in my car and that means getting money from my mom who is struggling and she has surgery april 1st and will be off work for 2 weeks. it will be nice to have my mom home.
i will look into finding out how to get counsling while i wait for the disiability. i was get counsling but the office he is at put a stop to him being able to see patients like he was. so now instead of seeing him for and hour every week he only gets 20 min with his patients once a month after they see the pphyc dr who i dont see. i was doing pretty good while seeing him.
i am very sorry to worry you i just didnt know what else to do or who to turn to. i cant talk to my mom about this cause she just gets mad and says there is no reason for me to feel like this. she doesnt know the half of what i really go through. i will call the help line and talk with them and see how they can help.
i will update u after i talk with them and call around to see what help i can find to be able to see a counsler.
I feel like this all of the time. My doctors always ask me if Im suicidal etc but I always tell them no bec im not. I have no desire to kill myself nor cause any harm. Im a sissy for pain anyways....but I do somethings think "I wish this would just end already" I feel like I am dying or I feel like I am going to die. So dramatic thinking I guess but its there. Subconsciously that's how I think. My doc says I need to learn a coping skill to help with this, like taking a picture of my husband that makes me feel good to help give me a good emotion. ANd I always have to tell myself even though I have been through so much, it could be worse...there are people out there so much worse...but that thought never occurs to me when I am actually in pain. I think why me..just die already...yep...that's how I feel.
I too have a non-understanding mother. She has had multiple heart attacks and is very active. She wants me to get a job.She is constantly telling me to get over it. Not to let it overcome my life...hello fibro has taken my life away! My husband works overtime to compensate for me not bringing in income. I too wake up everyday mad that I woke up. This always sickens me because I have 2 daughters that are young. I don't want to miss one moment of their lives but I don't get to enjoy them like I want to.I hate being only 32 but felling like 82. I have pain everyday but I try to find one thing to be positive every night before bed. Today's is going to be...I got the living room clean. I know for a normal person this is no big deal but for me its a BIG deal.
I know how you feel Stephanie. I’ve definitely been there during my whole fibro journey. Dealing with your life being so different than what you imagined is definitely a punch in the face. I’m still dealing with that too but I hear from the other folks around here that it gets better so let’s choose to believe them :). I hope that your disability hearing goes well chickadee. It helps having someone to talk to and we’re all here for ya! Gentle hugs, Brandy
Look at it this way. You made it through the horrible bronchitis you were going through and now is a new challenge. The way to look at things is one thing at a time. Also remember you cannot change others but you can change your reaction to others. Easier said than done for sure.
You were one of the first people I had conversations with on this site and you gave me so much strength to get through the pain. I know things look bleak right now but you know it will get better.
I am here for you if you need to talk and definitely take advantage of the hotline provided. I used to work at a center that had a hotline and they are there to listen and help provide resources in your area. If you cannot see the doctor you were seeing try another one if you can. I have been to many psychologists during my life and it is hard to change but it sounds like you may need to supplement your old doc with a new one so you have someone unbiased to listen.
I will send great thoughts your way that you will get your disability. I am here if you need me.
Desiree
Thank you for letting me I was able to help give you strength. I offen will check the chat room looking to see if someone wants to talk. This discussion has let me know others have so many of the same family problems I have. I am goingto find a new counsler I know I need one. Thank you
I know what u feel like about feeling like u r 50 years older than you r. I was told a few years ago by my counsler that I had the health problems of a 50 year old. She was not trying to be mean in any way but letting me know how strong I was to deal with all I do heath wise.
I will take your advice and think of at least one positive thing I did. No one w/o fibro will ever understand that cleaning one room is a lot for us some days a bigger chalenge then others.
I know I said I was going to call the hotline and I still plan too. About the time I was getting ready to call my friend called and needed me to drop some thing off and as I was doing that my sister called and needed a ride home from work. And we had to stop and get a few things which took way longer than it should have but I enjoyed walking around the store talking with my sister. We went to her house and had dinner then I came home and worked on my puzzle for a couple hours.
While I was working on my puzzle I had songs playing on my phone that I had downloaded. I had them on shuffle and one of my favorite songs kept playing it’s called “every storm runs out of rain” I put the video on this site if you want to hear it. It talks about how what ever we r going through it will end just keep on. I like it so much its the ring tone on my phone. I have to think it kept playing over and over because I needed to keep hearing it so I could realize that my “storm” that I am going through will run out of rain and end.
Reading the responses I have gotten have remained me of things that is have made it through that I didn’t think would end. I can’t thank you my fibro family enough for your support.
I plan on calling tomorrow to find a new counsler I can go to. I have gotten ideas of where to call from those who have responded. I am helping my sister the new 3 days by watching my nephews and saturday I am watching my little year and half old cousin all day. I will only have my sistets 2 boys about 6 hours each day and they r 6&8 and just need me to make sure they don’t burn the house down and fix lunch. It will be good for me to be busy the next few days. Sunday k have church and hanging out with my mom who has surgery Monday morning.
I will update to let u know how I am doing. Thank you all again I don’t think I could do this w/o my fibro family.
Hey Stephanie, Love the song, didn't realize it was Gary Alan...When I'm down I enjoy listening to music as well. it sooths the soul. I'm glad you met up with your sis, it probably did you good to get out of the house for a bit...You know if you need me I'm here, just give a call. Talk to you soon. Hugs...Hugs...More Hugs....
Stephanie,
I don't mean to sound unkind but your family seems remarkably unwilling to hear or understand about your illness AT ALL. It sounds like you're talking to a brick wall when you talk to them.
A month, Stephanie, that's all. Thirty days. You need to hold on so you can get to and through your disability hearing. Will it be a hard 30 days? Absolutely! Will it be worth it to stick with it? Absolutely! You'll come away with your dignity plus a way to support yourself and your cat. You won't need to hear the "you're a burden" mantra any longer. Stick with it! How pointless it would be to harm yourself when a mere 30 days most likely lies between you and freedom. Even if you don't get a check immediately, you'll KNOW it's coming soon. And you could make plans and look for an apartment.
In fact, I think that's a great idea for you to do right now, look up apartments in your area and get an idea of which ones you like and might want to live in with your cat. See if they allow pets. See how others rate the apartments and maintenance.
Then, when you've finished that, if you have the strength to, go window shopping at Target or someplace nice and think about what you'd like to furnish your apartment with. Go and look at all of the pretty beddings and pillows and curtains and think about what would suit you the best. This can be oodles of fun! I got a bug in my head once to decorate a room in the 50's style, with pink swag curtains with poodles on them, or the Eiffel tower. I spent AGES trying to track them down but never did but oh it was fun to look!
This is what you need to do, focus on the positive and realize things will change for the better very shortly. You're not in prison, you're not stuck someplace for the rest of your life. You will be free shortly! You and Mr. Puss will be able to do whatever you like soon. Mr. Puss likes that idea immensely and wants you to get him ready for his new life. He needs you, Stephanie. Cats develop a strong bond with their owner and aren't crazy about many other people beyond their owner, generally. So Mr. Puss wants you to hang in there for him, please.
Hugs,
Petunia
Hope you are having a good day!
U r not being mean my family has no clue what I suffer from. I have been looking into a place to live. I have not looked at any yet just looked online. I didn’t think about the stuff I would need. It would be fun to start looking. I know I get to take my bedroom stuff so that’s a blessing.
As for symba he will like having a place where he can go wherever he wants.
I feel like my court date can’t come soon enough. I do need to focus on the positive and that should help the time go by faster. Thank you for helping me see things different.
Well SK I wish I was having a good day but not really. I was up till 6am in pain. I got woke up at 12:30pm from my nephews fighting. My pain is pretty bad and the migraine I have had for 2 days is back. I have not had much luck getting it to go away.
I have my sisters kids till 5:30pm then I go home and I have Jayden till he goes to bed around 10pm. I am going to lay back down and see if I can’t get this migraine to go away.
It's hard to get out of the funk sometimes but like I said, you'll be free soon enough. Think of how fun it'll be to even shop for pretty dish towels and kitchen curtains, if you want to. Walmart has (or did have, don't know if they still do) REALLY pretty curtains from Better Homes and Gardens, I think. Or something like that! I got some kitchen curtains with darling apples on them.
You can even make a little kitty area in your new place, with cat bed, scratching post, dishes and toys. Your cat will love you forever if you get a scratching post with catnip in it.
Looking online for stuff is fine, in fact much easier for most of us.
Just keep your mind occupied as much as you can for now. You can't control your family's negativity but you can control how you spend your own free time. And trust me, moving is a big endeavor, so the more thought you put into it in the first place, the less you'll have to do when the time comes to move.