New to the forum. Need help with coping. Marriage in dire straights…
I’m having a hard time after 10+ years of my wife being ill. She can’t and does nothing but put all her energy into her daily work schedule to get through a day. Which leaves her no energy to put into our marriage. 10 + yrs I have done all I could to make her feel comfortable and pain free day to day. I get nothing in return. I can’t go on with the rest of our lives like this.
Fibromyalgia is just one ailment, there is severe depression, anxiety, IBS , sleep deprevation, gambling problems , threats of suiside. … and more…for over 10 yrs I’ve done everything i possibly can to make her feel loved. I’ve lost my wife ,friend , companion and lover to a number of sicknesses.
My ultimate question to anyone willing to reply is : and truthfully , divorce is eminent as we have slipped away from each other , I physically and mentally am drained by all of it. I do not want to end our marriage with bad intent. But I honestly can’t do any more for her if she is unwilling to put forth some energy into me. Without sounding selfish , I need companionship which she is unable and or unwilling to give. Im.stuggling to continue this marriage as it is no longer a normal life for her and me.
Make you understand??? You are one of those miracle men, thru thick & thin, there you are!!! I am a single person so I am not much of a help there. Have you spoken to her? Are you seeing a mental health therapist? Is she seeing one? Have you tried therapy together? Have you tried respite care? Taken a mini vacation? Driven out in the middle of nowhere & just SCREAMED or SHOUT IT ALL OUT or just CUSSED up a storm? Have you gone to a gym & punched the Bleep out of that big black bag the boxers use? OR you could buy one of those blow up clowns with sand on the bottom? They give more leeway. If you live in a big city, have you tried going to group therapy with other spouses going thru the same things as you? I cant think of anything else at this time. I hope I have given you something to grasp onto, something to try… I think there is a Spouse Group on here, or you could ask one of the Mods to help you start one. Be at Peace M
Thanx for the reply, I’ve done a few of the things you’ve mentioned. I’m
not a " miracle man " as you put it but I am at the end of my rope, have
done all I feel I can do and nothing is making my situation any easier.
This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with emotionally and
physically and I’m drained in both departments. Thanx
Hello Deetz,
My heart goes out to you. I am afraid I have no answers, but I will share some of my thoughts with you, if that’s ok. You say the illness has been for 10years, how many years have you been together? Also, have you got children? You do sound like you are putting all the work in, but getting nothing back, that must be incredibly hard. Also that your wifes energies go into work, is it possible that she could give up work, or reduce her hours? For me, I could not continue to work after my Fibro diagnosis, and it impacts hugely on my life, I have no dependent children, but I cannot spend the time I would like with my grandchildren. I think what I am trying to say is that Fibro has a massive impact on your life, and to be honest nobody can be expected to understand how you feel.
I am divorced twice, so maybe not the best person to give advice. I do think you need to have these serious conversations with your wife, we have Relate in UK to help. Only you can decide if you can adapt and tolerate this, as it may be how your wife is only able to be. I wish you well,let us know how you get on.
Take care, Anne
25 yrs of marriage , 2 kids ages 22 and 25 both are on their own and
successful young adults. I’m afraid reduced hours is not possible. We both
work full time and their both all in or nothing jobs. I’ve talked to her
about my feelings and with her severe depression made things worse. I’m
brutally honest cause lies only did a deeper hole and I have no more energy
to dig physically and emotionally.
My wife has checked herself into a crisis center 2 days ago , she voluntarily went at her own will. The center will neither deny nor confirm her ware abouts upon me contacting the center. I contacted her via text message to which she did reply upon my request. All I wanted to know is if she was ok and safe and to just reply with a yes which would be sufficient. I honestly hope she gets the help she needs whether or not it is now or in the future.
Her mental instability has overtaken her. I have chosen to take the nessesary precautions to take care of our monetary and financial needs to keep her from gambling it all away , again , and to do my best to keep all debts/ bills paid and up to date.
With that all being said , and again, I hope she receives the help she needs to move on as best she can , but I am no longer in denial of her inabilities or lack there of to help herself without my help. I’ve have now seen what motivation does to a person’s functions or lack there of whether it be from sadness , anger , or envy etc… in a sense , I believe she has used those " powers " to get what she’s ever wanted from me and without giving any effort back and I have realized I have been " used " for many a years.
I could rant or ramble out much more as it’s been 10+ years of frustration for both of us.
. With honest and short replies please give me your opinions.
I am going to search for a divorce lawyer that will make this as painless as possible for both of us. But I can’t continue life with her the way it has been for so many years now. I want to feel happy again as its been so long since I have had that in my life.
All criticism , good or bad , is welcomed. Thanks for your understanding and support.
Hello Deetz,
I see from your recent posts you are now in crisis. I suspect that this is what you need to clarify things. I do feel for you, and glad you have been able to share on here. It may seem horrible to give up on a partner who is ill, but sometimes you just have to, for their sake as well as your own. People on here won’t judge you, none of us walk in anyone elses shoes! Personally I think you are being very brave, and ultimately you will know it’s the right thing. I wish you well.
Take care, Anne
Not that anyone has said this but I am clarifying my stance on the matter.
I have never asked anyone to choose a side and never will. I have been told
by friends , doctors , and my therapist the best way to go about things ,
all have been giving me great advice and have compassion for both sides.
But ultimately it is me who needs to heal first before I can move along.
And I have chosen to take the initiative first to protect myself in the
most professional way possible.