I am having a bad week!
John is traveling for work this week and I have finally realized that I just cannot work anymore. This past week has been nothing short of torture with the fatigue and flu like feeling adding to that the never ending pain and sensitivities to sound and smells!
I am an emotional mess and cry at the drop of a hat lately.
I was supposed to have a Medial Branch Block done tomorrow but they had to reschedule, which I spent two hours on the phone trying to do. Luckily it’s just postponed until Friday but I’m still worried about the procedure and hate that John isn’t going to be here.
Well, that’s about all I can handle for tonight.
Much love and I hope all of you out there are doing well!
Sorry you are feeling so badly. Believe me, I’ve been there too. Try to take time off from work if you can so you can try to recharge your batteries. Remember that things don’t always stay the same. Good luck with your procedure and I hope it helps.
Funny that you posted this because I just sent about email to an attorney for thoughts on ssdi. Maybe you should do this too.
Hi Tina, I am so sorry your not feeling well. I use the phrase hot mess and I know exactly how you feel, and it stinks. I know you much be a mess without your hubby there. Last month I had encouraged my hubby to go on a 5 day get away with 10 other retired cops to ride their motorcycles to S. Carolina. We have not been apart since I became ill. I had to quit work as well so we are together 24/7 and I wanted a break lol. I started having panic attacks because he wasn't here and I was a hot mess and in bed almost the whole time he was gone. I think we depend on them more then we know.Hang in there you will do fine with your procedure. Ill keep you in my thoughts and prayers. If you need someone to talk to Im here for you. Sending lots of hugs your way, Robin
Dear Tina
Don't we just hate those "bad" weeks, they just seem to gang up on us. And you are missing terribly your husband and strong supporter. But isn't it great to be able to come here and share with us knowing that we understand and support you. Yes we are here to support you and care about you. And we are glad you joined our family.
Gentle hugs
Rachel
Tina,
Hi! I do not know you well but thought some prayers and hugs could bring you a smile! I wish you luck with the medial block. Is that an injection in the arm? Not familiar with that procedure.
I know what you are going through with that awful realization of coming to terms with not being able to work. I had to retire in 2008 after working for about 10 years. I was a mess and had to be hospitalized three times that first year. I thought my life was over. My advice would be to just let the emotions flow. You are grieving and that is normal. We all are grieving on some level everyday we wake up in pain. Just this am I was feeling overwhelmed with loneliness. Although I have a great family and love the people I live with, I so want a good man in my life. I am 41, never married and very single. It is a cross that can feel just as bad as the physical pains I endure. So I am glad to see that you have a man you seem to love very much. It gives me hope that there are good men who look past our physical limits.
I do hope your day goes ok and the procedure gives you some relief
Warmly,
Maria
Thank you everyone, it really does help knowing you’re not alone!
I really didn’t know how much it mattered until joining this site. Everyone is so kind and caring and know exactly what I’m going through (like how it took me several minutes to just type this much)
I HATE not being able to work anymore. It’s almost like someone cut off a limb. I have always worked!!
Besides medical leaves for pregnancies, surgeries, etc. I always knew I would be going back in a matter of weeks.
As far as John, he is my boyfriend, I know I didn’t clarify that earlier. I’d like to get married but we have both been married twice and he doesn’t see it as “significant” anymore like I do. Plus, now…it may be a good thing we aren’t married. Anyway, that’s a whole 'nother discussion! LOL
He travels a lot for work so I’m used to him being gone actually. He gets two months off a year, November and December but for the most part…he’s gone about half of the time on business trips.
My kids are great too, very supportive and understanding. But even with support, which I am so grateful for, don’t get me wrong…I still feel terribly guilty and like a burden.
I have to miss my youngest daughters guard competition that is over 2 hours away this weekend because I feel so bad, not only am I going to miss it, but so is my son. I also don’t feel that I’m contributing financially, so that makes me feel like a burden especially since my prescriptions, insurance and doctor’s visits aren’t cheap! We are blessed that I don’t NEED to work but we would not be able to cover my medical expenses, so we are looking into private insurance.
Ok, so I have rambled on enough…
I truly am blessed which makes me feel even more guilt by feeling bad…ugh! It’s a vicious, nasty cycle! I hate it!
What is a medial branch block? Whatever it is I hope it helps you. Maybe it will work so well for you you would be able to work again. It would be nice to have John arnd but like u said your used to him traveling and doing things on your own. For me I have a loving husband and he helps a lot with chores and cooking but he works most nights and I kind of like my alone time with my cats.
Can you apply for temporary disability? Or disability from your work? I was faced with this same problem. My dr said I could no longer work. I was too sick to go back and clean my desk or anything. You have to do what you have to do.
Good luck Tina.
Medial Branch Block is basically a “diagnostic” test to see if numbing the nerves in my back will help. If it does, they will permanently block the nerve from receiving signals i.e. pain signals. That would be an ablation. Where I believe they burn the nerve with a lazer.
They are doing this because I am on so many pain meds as it is…and I have to start bringing the doses down. Why, I’m not sure…but the pain management doc in my area (my doc) is being sued for medical malpractice for over prescribing and overdosing patients. Yay, NOT!
The company I work for is less than 20 employees and they don’t offer short term disability insurance. 
The best I can hope for is they give me another medical leave long enough to find private insurance.
Tina - so sorry you are having a bad time right now. I too struggle every week at work and my body says it just can’t take it anymore, but my head keeps telling me that I love my job and the people I work with and what would they do without me? It’s the whole work ethic thing and I struggle with the feeling of responsibility and the need to go and do a good job. Working with a therapist weekly to even get me to call in sick - I’m ok with it some weeks and then it starts all over again. My new doctor is having me see an occupational therapist to see if I should even be working. She’ll access me and will give me orders of what I can and can’t do. I think that’ll be the only way I can do it. I’m just a wreck when I get home and can’t wait to get in comfy clothes and curl up with my heated fleece, neck buddy and heating pad and muscle relaxer. That’s my night. What a life. It’s like giving up an abusive boyfriend - it’s hurting me but I keep coming back for more. I don’t understand why women do that, so why can’t I see what the job is doing to me and my overall life? I’m the secretary to a principal at our local high school - enrollment 750 - so basically I run the school.
Don’t worry too much about the block. I believe they’ll probably do it under concious sedation so you’ll probably not remember much until after. Let’s hope you get relief from the pain right away - that will let the doc know that RFA will help you. Unfortunately, it is not a permanent fix. Relief can last anywhere from months to a few years. The first time I had it done on 3 levels in my low back left side, it lasted 3 years! So I had it done again and it seems to help me for about 10 months - I drag it out with my tens unit and lidoderm patches until the 12th month and now have both sides done. I’ve been having RFA’s done for the last 9 years. Keep in mind, the pain sucks big time after it. It can take up to 6-8 weeks to subside. I use a lot of ice and take it easy after them - never lots of walking or it bugs it. I wish you well - and I’ve got an offer for you – I’ll help you through your RFA if you’ll help me quit being so stubborn about the need to keep working! Lol. That’ll be our new jobs!!! Big air hug -Sandi
To everyone,
I just have to say how much I admire everyone in this support group. I have only been a member for a short time and I am so happy to have found you all. You are so strong Tina, you all are! You give such good advice and share so much about your experiences... I hope everything goes well with your Block and it helps with the pain. I am a basket case just thinking about going to the Neurologist next month. I wish I were as strong as you Tina.
I am like Sandi in that I love my job and hate to give it up. I can retire after 25 years but was planning to stay until 30 years. Don't see that happening now, just too many bad days and feel bad for my fellow employees always having to cover for me. Wish I could collect SSDI but the doctor seems to feel I am not in bad enough shape.
I have so much love in my life already and now I have all of you. Keep your chin up Tina...prayers and hugs are coming your way.
Hi Tina...I want to wish you well and hope that your days ahead are better. I can't help to respond bc I too have been having a very similar week. It has been pretty tough. I feel like giving up so much. I have also realized I don't think I could maintain job and be present for my children. My 14 year old daughter is under doctors care for having a suicidal breakdown. She did come to me but has been really struggling with bullying and self esteem. That is a zapper on my energy..but for her it is fine with me. I stress every single day juggling ONLY the basic needs. I am trying to start up process for ssi or ssdi. A non profit organization has been helping me with my electric bill for months now. I pay it forward by volunteering a certain amount of hours and that itself ways on me. I REALLY REALLY HATE THIS!! I am so scared most of the time..I have never said that out loud I don't think?? I have to learn how to deal with it and not let it completely control my life..if I can help it. I don't know how much longer I will get help with my utilities..I feel SO stuck. I have no other support..THATS IT!! I know I am venting now myself. Sorry ) : I have tried to keep up the good fight..it has not been going well lately. I don't know what to do anymore!! I hope your procedure goes well and wish you the very best.
Laura,
Boy have I been there!!
Several years ago, my then 13 yr old daughter was on a road to self destruction. She wasn’t suicidal, she was out of control. I was ready to have her arrested or sent to juvie…I didn’t know what to do. Her sister and brother watched all of this spin out of control. On top of all of that, I was having a hard time supporting 3 children on my own and we were being evicted out of our apartment and the kids would have to once again change schools.
What I’m trying to say is…I’ve been there, with 3 kids, no electric, no job, no car, sitting around a kerosene heater eating ramen! It will get better…you have to keep fighting!
I will help in anyway I can. You can e-mail me here or at yahoo.
There are SO many AWESOME people here, stick with us and we will all help you through!!! You will get through it!
Thanks so much Sandy!!
Work isn’t everything…I’m SLOWLY learning this! I know it’s hard to let it go but this support group has helped SO much with well…just helping me realize I’m not crazy!!
Sure, I’m a type A personality…but that doesn’t make me crazy…just a little too much on the “perfection” side. It’s taken me 41 years but I am starting to realize that life CAN’T and won’t EVER be perfect. Well, either that…or I need to change my perspective on “perfect”. LOL
I’m guessing you’re the same way…like a lot of us here!
We really need to just give ourselves a break…Lord knows no one else out there is going to.
It’s okay…I don’t need to work to define myself or make myself happy - or at least that’s what I keep repeating to myself over and over and over…maybe eventually I’ll believe it!
I apologize for rambling…sometimes I get on a roll and not sure where I end up! LOL
bookjunkie,
I love your screen name! I don’t think I’ve ever had anyone tell me I was strong but thank you! I think it’s all perception. I don’t perceive myself as someone who is strong by any stretch of the imagination! I cry so much lately that my eyes are sore, mostly to just let all my fears and worries and frustration out! I have to get it out! That’s the only way I can deal with all of this.
I was brought up crying was a sign of weakness, so I always get mad at myself for crying even though I know I need to. - crazy huh? 
Retire if you can! You deserve it! If your doctor doesn’t agree with you…find another doctor! Only you know yourself best, he can’t really KNOW what you can or can’t do, well mentally anyway.
Don’t worry about worrying about your neurologist appointment, you’ll be great. Just remember you’re your best advocate.
I get serious anxiety about “procedures” mostly needles beyond blood collecting. So, I know that I’m going to freak out Friday but I will tell the staff ahead of time so they know and are prepared. I used to be so embarrassed I would keep it to myself and it would be horrible because they didn’t know. You have to stand up for yourself and not be afraid to tell a doctor what you need or that he’s wrong.