Saying goodbye

Support
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What happens when the person you are can no longer exist? How do you introduce yourself to new people knowing that they will never know or experience the person you were supposed to be? How do your current relationships transition when the person they love starts to disappear?
I just finished my third and final friend's wedding in less than a year. In 11 months I've been a bridesmaid once and maid-of-honor twice, the wedding planner once, the million-last-minute-details person thrice, the hair stylist twice, and the makeup artist once. This past weekend I flew to Atlanta, Georgia to be part of one of my best friend's special day and all I could think the whole time is that I have nothing left to give. I managed. I hid. I suffered. I cried. But it was her time, it was her day, it was the rest of her life so, I smiled, I laughed, I was the lynch pin, I got it done. Then, I fractured. The exhaustion ripped away my resolve, the shaking eliminated my ability to stand, the pain brought tears to my eyes, my brain wiped away my communication skills, yet still I had to be on 'center stage', still I had responsibilities, still I had to smile and laugh instead of cry.

I didn't do everything I wanted to do, I didn't say everything I wanted to say, and I wasn't present for everything I wanted to experience, but I could do no more. My body has been so tired, my mind so forgetful and disoriented, my spirit so defeated, and my heart so mournful. The person I was is no more. The person I was going to become cannot exist. It is so very strange to mourn yourself, to say goodbye to yourself. It is unnatural.

I had dreams, I had plans. I had been told that if you work hard enough, stay focused, and put forth every effort that you can achieve your dreams. I was going to be a social worker in a hospital. My dream was to have my own tiny apartment, take the bus into work everyday, and work with the kids and their families suffering from chronic conditions. That is what I was going to do and I was going to be great. I was going to be self sufficient, not wealthy or living a high life, but self sufficient as I worked through the psychological trauma of my childhood and fought for healing and happiness.

Instead, I'm a 26 year old female who can't go home, can't go to grad school, can't manage a 20 work week--let alone a 40 hour one, can't pay her student loans, and can't figure out what to do. I've lost friends, family, self-respect, and my ability to care for myself. I've lost my hobbies, my ability to socialize, and my ability to find joy. The family I have left doesn't understand and can't support me, the friends left don't make the time, and I feel so very, very alone. I exist as a ghost. Floating through my world unnoticed, unheard, and ineffectual.

Maybe this should have been a blog instead of a discussion, but I guess I wonder...have you gone through this? Did you have to say goodbye? Were you able to find meaning and joy and a sense of being whole? Did people stick by you or are you alone?

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Yes, I mourn losing the me I used to be. I sigh when I see my niece or daughter carrying in 10 bags of groceries & say, I used to be able to do that. I have learned to adapt, I now pull groceries into the house w/a 2 seater sled. I am one of the few people here, who has family that supports me. They have seen me, thru the years, lose so many abilities. I have a pity party & then try to figure out how I CAN do it. M

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I can’t express how moved I was by your post…it resonates with me as you have described exactly how I am feeling and the pain I am going through. You express it so well and I feel your pain in every word you wrote.

Sending much love and support your way wish I was closer to be able to physically support you too. Please take comfort in knowing that others feel your pain and care for you.

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Dancingin Rain, at 26 life looks very different than it does as you age. Perhaps I’m lucky I never had a real vision of where I was going or what I wanted to be. With me my goals were simpler, I needed work that was challenging as I got bored easily, needed to be as good as I could at what I did, and I wanted to be able to help others in some way. I was actually quite surprised where that took me, but also found that work ended up defining me. This came as a shock when I had to retire because of a critical disease before I really wanted to and some days I’m still searching.



At one time or another I think most of us need to look at redefining our lives, whether it be changing our careers, changing our marital status, changing our goals, changing where you live, searching for something that completes us. I think the journey happens for some of us earlier in life than others, may occur more than once, and is harder for some of us.



In your discussion you refer to everything you think you can’t do but also told us about everything you did do in helping your friends get through that special day and you obviously did a great job. I doubt that you were unnoticed, unheard or ineffectual as you did hair, makeup, planned and help resolve the problems that arose.



You are a strong woman who needs to be independent. You’ve shown that you are capable, maybe you didn’t do and say everything you wanted to do but even “normals” get tired and don’t do or say everything they want to. As family and friends keep telling me you need to be positive about the things you do do, not harp on those you don’t



I have lost some friends along the way but those that were important to my life are still here.



Have you thought about working with a counselor who can help you identify and support you in tthe things you can do and how you can reach your goals. Perhaps there are agencies that can help support you get the education you need. I can’t think of a better person to work with children and families in dealing with chronic conditions. Don’t give up in your vision you have the strength to get there it just may take a bit longer.



Although we can’t be there in person (really wish I could be) we are here when you need to vent, or ask questions, or just need encouragement.



Lots of hugs

B2chi

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No one has an answer, that I have learned over the past several years. But knowing that someone else is feeling the same thing, that is encouraging. I wouldn't wish this situation on anyone, but I'm glad that this is a place we can be vulnerable.

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Thank you for time in responding, it is always helpful to receive feedback and be able to explore areas further. I process and change and grow by sharing my story. Verbally or written, doesn't seem to make a difference.

You are right, they did see me, hear me, accept me, thank me. But those things they heard, saw, accepted, appreciated, those are the things that I can no longer be and do. In the name of friendship and love I extended myself beyond my capacity and I've paid the price without having the return. I was good at those things, but I'm too tired now.

Yes, we need to think positively. Yes, we need to focus on the good or lose our sanity. But right now, I am giving myself the space to say that life isn't okay. Life isn't good. Life isn't hopeful. I haven't lost some people. I have lost most people. I was shunned from the church because I didn't have the faith to be healed and my sin made it impossible for God to heal me. I was sick because I sinned. I haven't gotten used to the pain because pain never because a good thing, it always hurts.

And you are right, there are a lot of resources out there. There are a lot of treatments and support systems. Unfortunately, all of those things take money, research, and/or energy and I don't have the support system in place to help connect me to these resources, I don't have the finances to support them, and right now I don't have the energy or the mental capacity to connect myself to them.

I am not giving up. I am not a quitter. I know that somehow my life's path will become meaningful because I am determined to be as happy, I am determined to be useful, I am determined to make a difference...but today, I cannot hope, I cannot help, I cannot find joy...maybe tomorrow.

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Dear dancing rain,

We have all written our version of your story, at different ages, different circumstances, but still the same. We truly understand what it is to mourn your old self, and the future self that you had dreams and plans of. But you're still you, you still have friends who count on your expertise, and company. They think so much of you to ask you to be a maid of honor or bridesmaid. So they love you, we all change, every moment, but not always the way we hoped, dreamed or planned, but I bet THEY love you anyway you are!

So sorry that others do not understand. I really don't think that anyone understands what it is like to be chronically ill until they are chronically ill.

We are here for you, and understand exactly where you are coming from! I'm so glad you posted, and so glad that you posted as a discussion, the discussions get much more action than the blogs. Not sure why, but they just do!

Even though it doesn't seem like progress, you have come to a realization, and are going through the stages of grief, it is all part of it, unfortunately. Lean on us, we'll help to get you through this.

Sending lots of love,

SK

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I am so sad to hear that you are going through this at a very young age!! I always had health conditions since my late 20's but I always managed to handle them and I had two young daughters to raise so my needs were always put on the back burner. I struggled through anxiety and depression and countless jobs. I decided to go back to school and graduated while working full-time. Then I decided to go to graduate school while working full-time and almost had a nervous breakdown. Did any of my friends or family understand what I was going through? NO. In July 2011 -I had severe pain in my lower back and found out I had degenerative disc disease. At this time I also was experiencing pain all over my body, constant headaches and a bunch of other symptoms. My chiropractor told me that I was under too much stress from working and life. Last year 2012 I was working as a social worker in a hospital and the pain got worse. My legs and ankles were swelling and I felt like passing out every day. I was also getting anxiety attacks. I was falling apart. I was hiding in the bathrooms in the hospital and crying. I was finally officially diagnosed with Fibromyalgia last year. At least this agony that I experience every day ...all day ...had a name.

I don't have that much of a support system..my daughters don't really understand, my fiance tries to but at times blows me off. My parents and brother don't really understand and we have a dysfunctional relationship anyway. The only person that knows what I'm going thru is my future sis-in-law who is also a fellow sufferer but who lives far away. I have said goodbye to myself last year and created a whole new being. I take things day by day. When I feel ok I try and go out and enjoy things around me and spend time with my fiance. When I feel horrible I stay in bed and pull up the covers..lol

Try to find a support group near where you live. Come on here and talk. We all have to stick together because "normal" people cannot understand what we go through every day. By normal, I mean people that don't have this dreaded condition. Try to find new hobbies. Are you on any medications? What helps you with the pain? Are you applying for disability?

We all have to find a new "normal"..something that works for us.

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Thank you for mentioning your supportive family because I myself have a wonderful one as well. It really does make a difference in our lives if we have that support. My prayers and wishes for the future go out to all who don't have that support near them but you will always have words, thoughts, prayers, and unconditional support from those on this site.

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Thank you. Thanks for being here Dee!

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Thanks Lovett. I am glad to hear that you have support. It helps me believe that maybe someday...I can could have that too. Hugs back to you too! I hope that today you are blessed with a joyful day!

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NP…know exactly what you are going through…but I’m a lot older than you…so I’m having the mid-life crisis from hell!!

Not only coping with getting older alone…husband died of cancer…but now have to cope with the consequences of major illnesses and FM :frowning: