I have 2 wonderful dogs and 2 cats that truly do depend on me and love me. It is amazing that they don't even use words and you just know it.
I have a 19 year old daughter who is my sunshine - but she detests my illnesses and sees them as weakness. My 27 year old son is no different. If I could just be better, be the way I used to be, if...
I have a husband of 21 years that doesn't want to hear about the pain, deal with it, and when he has gone to the doctor with me - just insults them, "Stating that the procedures suggested just cost too much..." He is my friend - but I really am not his friend. I say this because when two people are friends they want the best for that person. I go out of my way to do things for my friends. I want to be a part of their lives. I laugh with them. I enjoy the time I spend with them. Yes I have not been myself and finally 'got sick' in 2006 - I did not ask for this. I fought with my body since 1985 when I experienced a terrible terrible work accident that I didn't receive compensation for. I went on to work full time for 21 years as a youth minister. I attempted to help many families and influence teens in a positive manner. But I finally just couldn't do it anymore - I fell asleep at my desk. I would take a lunch break to sleep in my car. It was terrible... that was the beginning of my end.... and the beginning of finding out that I had chronic fatigue along with fibromyalgia.
Today - I am so tired of fighting. Today I am so tired of living in constant pain. Today I just want to die. I really do. I have so many things and places that I want to go and do. But I can't go on living in this pain. I can't go on living without support. Even if I was to go back to counseling they tell me to make a new life for myself and leave my current one - my husband. BUT how do you do this when you have no money, no job and no family to help you? I am so stuck. I recently re-applied for the 4th time for disability. IF I don't get approved this time - I now have exhausted how long I have been off work and will not have enough credits. So I need a job. Well I have needed a job for the past 6 years - to help pay for my doctors and meds - forget the physical therapy - there is no money.
Death would be a welcome relief from the stress of all of this. And yet I have good blood pressure so that is not going to happen. I thought I was having a 'heart attack' yesterday and after taking additional muscle relaxers and an extra anti anxiety pill - I realized NO it was just a good old fashioned Anxiety Attack with perhaps more fibro pain.... YAY ME! No this isn't just a pity party - it is I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired and NOT being able to change my life.
Somewhere out there just has to be a reason for this madness! I have waited to see what that could be but it has not made me a better person (I think I am a worst person from this), it has not softened my husband's heart - he resents me, it has not made compassionate people out of my children - I think if anything they are more selfish from this 'dis-ease', and as far as family of origin they could care less.....
If I could do anything right now I would pack a small bag (cause I can't carry a heavy one) and my dogs and I would leave - move - go somewhere like Oceanside, CA - where at least it wasn't (112 right now - I'm in Arizona) and in my dreams I would have a job that would support even the tiniest place - to get away from all this madness. Oh but my life is not in my dreams and I am still destined to live out this hell on earth.... why? And what did I ever ever do to deserve this horrible horrible life? Yes I am majorly depressed.
Can someone out there help me stop this madness? please..... I used to be a real fun person, dedicated worker and a great friend..... please stop this madness!
I am so sorry that you are suffering like this. I like this site (am new to it) and I already feel like I have someone to talk to and that will actually listen. My husband is unsympathetic also. I have no children but have a 19 year old stepdaughter who has no contact with us unless she is forced to. She lives 2 miles away and never has any contact with us unless she wants something. My best friend just wants me to be “normal” again and my family pretty much has nothing to do with me. My mother in law is close by and she helps a lot, driving me places, financially, etc. but she has her own life and I feel like such a burden on her. My babies, Tulip, dog, and Sassy, cat, are the only ones that comfort me. I also have two elderly neighbors who are awesome and take time to sit and chat with me but it is hard to really talk to someone who is
not my age about things that really matter to me. And I don’t want to look like a complainer.
I have been through many, many trials and adversities in my life and I have wanted to die before but I am glad that I didn’t. Although, honestly, I have moments when I wish that I was dead now but they don’t last too long. I get tired of people telling me to change my life too, like get rid of the husband, move to a better town, etc. it is not that easy especially when you depend on someone else for financial support, insurance, etc. I went to my father recently for help and he told me that he would only help me if I moved to another town and got a job where i could support myself. And my mom just stayed on the phone and listened. As if I could even work right now. I think that there are days when I could make it a couple of hours at a job if the conditions were just so but that is so unrealistic. I would get fired the first week!
I really don’t know how to explain how I get through each day but I just put it in my mind that I am going to be as positive as I can be and not worry all the time which is way easier said than done. But it’s like I have convinced myself to think that way. I still sink and I still have bad moments but I am better than I used to be.
I am like you- I worked hard, I helped a lot of people and I had fun and now life seems to have come to a dead halt. I feel like an insignificant person who does not contribute but I know that I do contribute in some way- I justo haven’t figured it out yet.
I am tired of being in pain and tired of being tired. I am tired of being overweight and out of shape. I am tired of having to sit down if I walk a block sometimes. I am tired of not being able to drive. I am tired of having no money and I am really sick and tired of having no one who will just sit and hold me (gently) and let me talk or cry or just be quiet. My husband says he is sick of not being able to have sex, like he is the only one who misses it!
You are not alone and I wish I had words that could erase your depression. Talk to your doc about antidepressants if you are not on some. I think the only problem with meds is that they don’t make the physical illness any better and the physical illness causes depression! I would hug you if I could and make everything better but I can’t and I am sorry for that. But I will happily meet you in California! LOL. I would just have to bring Tulip and Sassy with me.
Just wanted you to know that I care, and that I have been thinking how to respond to your post…
My sleeping pill has started to knock me out so I wanted to reach out and acknowledge that I read and have been thinking about what you have written. I have first hand knowledge of the darkness caused by depression.
Please take care of yourself, unfortunately I must sign off. Will write more when I’m awake.
Thank you for your kind and inspiration words... I will write more soon...I am still not doing good at all. And I really appreciate you reaching out. Thank you again. Have a blessed day. =)
Wow. I'm just so sorry you're going thru all of this and have no support at home. I can't imagine being in your position. And I know that CFS is even worse than fibro. I truly feel for you, jwiebe.
Do you hav any friends who give you kindness or concern? If so, please speak to them, so you can have some human compassion in your life.
Can you apply for government assistance and housing? I've heard that your assets can be put into trust and then you'll be eligible. Are you eligible for social security?
I hope you made sure to include depression on your disability application and post traumatic stress disorder,if you suffer from it. And any and all info from a therapist, if you see one. All of this could help in your favor.
Please don't give up or think that death is the only answer. You have support here. I know it's not the same as in-person support but we DO understand what you're going through and are willing to listen and try to offer help. If you need to contact me privately, please do so. I'm always willing to listen and offer support.
I'm very sorry that you have so much on your plate, and no support to deal with it. Just keep coming back here. We'll listen and understand. We understand that life isn't a picnic and how overwhelming it can be when you're ill and in pain and no one understands what you're going through...
Just stick with it. My rheumatologist thinks some good drugs for fibro will be available in the next few years. I know that sounds like a loooooong time when you're dealing with pain but it IS a hope to hang onto.
