Please Stop This Madness

I have 2 wonderful dogs and 2 cats that truly do depend on me and love me. It is amazing that they don't even use words and you just know it.

I have a 19 year old daughter who is my sunshine - but she detests my illnesses and sees them as weakness. My 27 year old son is no different. If I could just be better, be the way I used to be, if...

I have a husband of 21 years that doesn't want to hear about the pain, deal with it, and when he has gone to the doctor with me - just insults them, "Stating that the procedures suggested just cost too much..." He is my friend - but I really am not his friend. I say this because when two people are friends they want the best for that person. I go out of my way to do things for my friends. I want to be a part of their lives. I laugh with them. I enjoy the time I spend with them. Yes I have not been myself and finally 'got sick' in 2006 - I did not ask for this. I fought with my body since 1985 when I experienced a terrible terrible work accident that I didn't receive compensation for. I went on to work full time for 21 years as a youth minister. I attempted to help many families and influence teens in a positive manner. But I finally just couldn't do it anymore - I fell asleep at my desk. I would take a lunch break to sleep in my car. It was terrible... that was the beginning of my end.... and the beginning of finding out that I had chronic fatigue along with fibromyalgia.

Today - I am so tired of fighting. Today I am so tired of living in constant pain. Today I just want to die. I really do. I have so many things and places that I want to go and do. But I can't go on living in this pain. I can't go on living without support. Even if I was to go back to counseling they tell me to make a new life for myself and leave my current one - my husband. BUT how do you do this when you have no money, no job and no family to help you? I am so stuck. I recently re-applied for the 4th time for disability. IF I don't get approved this time - I now have exhausted how long I have been off work and will not have enough credits. So I need a job. Well I have needed a job for the past 6 years - to help pay for my doctors and meds - forget the physical therapy - there is no money.

Death would be a welcome relief from the stress of all of this. And yet I have good blood pressure so that is not going to happen. I thought I was having a 'heart attack' yesterday and after taking additional muscle relaxers and an extra anti anxiety pill - I realized NO it was just a good old fashioned Anxiety Attack with perhaps more fibro pain.... YAY ME! No this isn't just a pity party - it is I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired and NOT being able to change my life.

Somewhere out there just has to be a reason for this madness! I have waited to see what that could be but it has not made me a better person (I think I am a worst person from this), it has not softened my husband's heart - he resents me, it has not made compassionate people out of my children - I think if anything they are more selfish from this 'dis-ease', and as far as family of origin they could care less.....

If I could do anything right now I would pack a small bag (cause I can't carry a heavy one) and my dogs and I would leave - move - go somewhere like Oceanside, CA - where at least it wasn't (112 right now - I'm in Arizona) and in my dreams I would have a job that would support even the tiniest place - to get away from all this madness. Oh but my life is not in my dreams and I am still destined to live out this hell on earth.... why? And what did I ever ever do to deserve this horrible horrible life? Yes I am majorly depressed.

Can someone out there help me stop this madness? please..... I used to be a real fun person, dedicated worker and a great friend..... please stop this madness!

Wow. I'm just so sorry you're going thru all of this and have no support at home. I can't imagine being in your position. And I know that CFS is even worse than fibro. I truly feel for you, jwiebe.

Do you hav any friends who give you kindness or concern? If so, please speak to them, so you can have some human compassion in your life.

Can you apply for government assistance and housing? I've heard that your assets can be put into trust and then you'll be eligible. Are you eligible for social security?

I hope you made sure to include depression on your disability application and post traumatic stress disorder,if you suffer from it. And any and all info from a therapist, if you see one. All of this could help in your favor.

Please don't give up or think that death is the only answer. You have support here. I know it's not the same as in-person support but we DO understand what you're going through and are willing to listen and try to offer help. If you need to contact me privately, please do so. I'm always willing to listen and offer support.

Somewhere out there just has to be a reason for this madness!

That's the thought we ALL have to grasp onto and not let go. We've all been in this place at one time or another, maybe not the same circumstances, but the same feelings, anxiety, deep depression. Myself? I'm there all the time, but I have to believe there is something better to come. I just hope you remember that even if it doesn't feel like it right now, there are people that love you, and care very much about you. Like your daughter, she hates the diseases, but never you. Sometimes it feels like a personal attack, because most people don't know what to do or say when it comes to chronic illnesses. They go into denial, they get angry--because they don't know how to deal with it.
Regardless, you are loved and cared about here...we worry when you're unhappy, and wish we could fix it all for you. Just keep hoping for an end to the madness, it may be right around the corner.

In case you've never seen this, check out: But you don't look sick.... There's a lot of information there on dealing with invisible diseases, and people who just don't understand us!

Huge Hugs,