My husband is pushing me to get a job, which ive been trying but its hard im 21 and never had an on the books job add in the fibromyalgia and i always get passed over. I also have a 16 month old son that i take care of by myself since my husband works from 7 am and comes home between 7-9 pm! And its stressful and draining enough, I cant imagine working to, Plus add to that the stress of finding a babysitter when i work and finding a ride to work since i dont have a car. My husband doesnt seem to understand how stressful it is and says well cross that bridge when we get to it. I mean we cant even get a babysitter once every few months to have a date night. this is just impossible and hes not getting how hard it is for me. And theres nowhere in my neighborhood in walking distance so i would be taking busses and taking busses to get my son to a babysitters. I mean I cant even get a ride to docs anymore so i just stopped going. Im at a loss of what to do. Sorry for the rant, was just hoping someone would understand or have advice, I have noone to turn to my husband and our family just dont get it. Thanks.
Whew. This is a tall order for you. First of all, as a former single mom, you need to have a babysitter set up and ready to go before you get the job because you don't want to put your child with just anyone. And that takes some time and interviewing.
I'm having a hard time picturing a woman who is chronically ill and in chronic pain bussing across town to get to a babysitter and then a job...that's a tall order to picture. I don't know what your pain level is but I would definitely put that into the equation
What about a part time job? Could you possibly do that? I would think that would be a better way to get into the work place and seeing if it would work for you?
I know it's hard for our loved ones to understand fibro, but your going to work is completely different than a well person going to work, let alone the added issue of you dealing with your young child.
Good luck on this, Zombie Gurl. You have my sympathy with your plight.
Thank you for the reply, Its nice to no someone understands. My pain level gets pretty bad to the point i cant use my hands, I go threw days where i cant open sippy cups. And getting a babysitter bothers me more then anything, I have only ever left him with family and never want to put him with a stranger which is another hard thing men dont seem to get. And i dont really live near anything so theres no places to work that i can walk to. this is so stressfull, I appreciate your reply its nice to talk to someone.
You're welcome. I remember having the exact same fears when I was young in regards to leaving my son with a baby sitter.
What about watching another infant in your home? I don't know if you'd be able to do it or not, but it would at least do away with your having to travel and find a baby sitter. Or else you could try to do something else from home, like selling things on Ebay. Or blogging or some other internet related work.
I can see why the entire idea is stressful. Having fibro is stressful enough. Having a child while having fibro is that much more stressful. Adding working on seems to be pretty much impossible to me. Maybe you need to have a heart to heart with your husband and let him know that it's not feasible for you to do, then show him some conversations from other people on here, so he can see the kind of pain you and we are in.
Please feel free to contact me privately if you wish. I know it's tough being a young parent and I know that fibro is tough too!
Take care of yourself,
Zombie, this website is for members to be able to turn to to explain their situation. Here you will find people care and they understand your frustration. So many members have no support from family amd friends so when you join this site we understand. It's okay to vent. You need to do that. I would say that what you have written is explaining your situation, not really venting.
My goodness, your husband has unreal expectations for you. Financially I doubt that you would be bringing home much money after you pay a babysitter and pay for bus rides. This is the financial side of it. The other side is your fibro symptoms and the fact that when you get home from work and have picked up your son from the babysitter you would need some rest and it would be nice if your husband were there to help take care of his son. But the reality is that he is not home from 7 am to 7 pm so he has no idea what it is like for you to be alone all day taking care of his son. And you have no support, nobody in the family who understands what you are going through.
There are several members here who are or have been single patents so we know how hard that is. Though you have a husband he does not participate in the care for his son so for you it's like being a single parent.
Your husband must have some days off from work each week, does he not? Do you think that you and he could sit down(when the baby is napping) and talk about the problems for you to work and how little money you would be bringing home?
Rachel brings up a good point about you not having much money left once you'd paid the babysitter. And what kind of energy would you have left over for the baby or as a wife? None. Nothing to be gained by your working with much to lose.
Yes Lisa this would be great for him to read but if he already has decided that his wife doesn't have anything wrong with her what would motivate him to read such stuff. Besides he works from 7 am til 7 pm so that's a long day. I would guess he would eat supper, perhaps watch sopme TV and then go to bed. Is that correct Zombie?
Oh yes Zombie, when is there time for you to take care of YOU?
Please accept the huge bouquet of cyber hugs that I am sending you to remember that I care and so too do others care about you.
no thats impossible. children that age need there parents. no need to abandon a child during the day for a few extra bucks. the work will just cause more pain and stress. your marriage will end up suffering more. you will be mad at your husband for puttingbu in that situation. if he works so much then you shouldnt have to. taking care of a child is number one and if he cares about his child and you then hell understand. now if soneone needs a life saving surgery and yall need to work together for a year to quickly get the money thats different. but if its just to be ableto afford nicer car and nicer electronucs and pay the house off a bit quicker… no youll just be unhappy. let em know if your working u will be to tired for sex without lots of rest. now if u could find a work at home job like processing orders or database entry for these big online companies where u set yoursrlf up as a private contractor youd make good money and spend specific amountnof hours u want each day. or get disability. with the amount of pain im in… if someone said that to me id look at em like there stupid and not even respond.
Wow, Brady, that is a very simplistic and unrealistic view of things. Unfortunately, life just doesn’t work the way we want it to. My husband and I have one child who is 20 and no longer lives at home but who still requires financial help in over to further her education. I have not worked in over three years and am unable to. My husband is underemployed and can not find a better job. We have a very modest home, one 6 year old car, we don’t go out to eat and go to clubs or bars, we don’t travel. There are no extras. My clothes come from the rescue mission and my husbands from walmart. I have glasses that are three years old and are scratched. I wear shoes that are 10 years old. I shop at the dollar store. So, we are bare bones and still can not pay our bills each month. And, to top it off, I have just had life saving surgery that cost us a fortune so now we have those bills to pay off. So, that is real life and we all live in the real world. Your comment about telling her husband if she was working then she will be too tired for sex was sexist and inappropriate in my opinion. It certainly offended me as I don’t think that marriages should be based on that type of threat (for lack of a better word).
Who has the link to the link to the Letter to Normals? Great info. Thanks.
It sounds like he doesn’t understand at all. … Financially you wouldnt come out that far ahead, and it wouldn’t come close t paying or the pain, the emotional stress, or the lost time with your little one.
I am a mom of three, 14 year old twin girls and a 3 year old boy. They are great kids, but a handful. My daughter has ADHD and my son has asthma. I work and I often can’t figure out why, because after daycare I end up with very little money left over. Have you thought about taking online college courses? That is what I am doing. It is exhausting, but I am taking medical transcription courses, as many companies are outsourcing to in home transcriptionists. I am only taking 6 credits per semester because honestly it is just too exhausting. Maybe that would pacify your husband, maybe you could find something from home if your body can handle it, and work just a couple of hours a day when the little one is sleeping, etc. Maybe it wouldn’t work, just throwing it out there. I am single, so even with my oler girls helping I don’t even know how I am going to make it work myself. It would hopefully at least give you some money to get to the doctor!
Bottom line, whether you can do that or not, the hubby needs to understand that being a mom is a full time job all by itself, and being a mom with fibro is like having an overnight job as well. I hope he will read those articles.
Good luck and I hope he can learn to understand. I feel for you!!!
"Hi Zombie, I’m so sorry you are being pressured to get a job, I’m guessing your husband does not understand fibro, or what it takes to care for a toddler ? Taking care of a child is a full time job… I know how you feel, when my kids were small I worked part time, and there was a constant pressure from my husband for me to work full time, I used to tell him I have a full Time job. And a part time job that was before I had fibro, there is no way I could have taking care of small children and worked with fibro, I struggled even when I was healthy…
Ah my heart goes out to you, because I understand the resentment that can build especially if he can’t help with your son.
I would say don’t do it… Your baby needs you, it’s hard enough to care for a baby when you have fibro, keep trying to educate him about fibro… But please put your health first, if your symptoms get worse who will care for the baby, unless he can be with the baby on weekends and you want to try and work
Hugs & blessings
Hey Zombie Gurl, if I were you, I wouldn't be so quick to run out and get a job right now, unless YOU want to because it is very hard to work with excruciating pain, for one; secondly, you have a toddler and child care is EXPENSIVE; thirdly, you have to find rides to get back and forth to work? Uh uh...tell your husband that if he really wants you to work, then he needs to work along with you; after all, that's what good husbands do; you guys need to devise a plan, a budget, and come up with something reasonable that'll work for the three of you; your fibro is a real issue and needs to be factored into everything. Please talk with your husband about a compromise. I hope the best for you.
I am so sorry I can feel your frustration in your words. I agree with the thoughts of the many who’s have responded. I know daycare for a 16 month old is expensive it winds up being .close to a house payment. I also know you don’t want someone else raising your son. Being a stay at home mom is like having two full time jobs with over time! I really think you need to have a heart to heart with your husband. I know your husband first off doesn’t understand the demands of staying home and would you really benefit financially if you went back to work?
You are important your feelings need to be considered and the fact you quit going to the Dr is INSANE! You NEED to take care of yourself so in return you can care for you son and husband. This is not a made up illness to sum up how crazy we are. We suffer daily. The pain, depression, anxiety, fatigue and other symptoms are REAL and need to be treated. Be honest with yourself and your husband you two can make this work. Your son will be happy to have you stay home. Take care
Rachel, Thanks for taking the time to help me. My husband most of the time works 7 days a week, since mid october he has only had 3 days off. He doesnt understand this illness because some days im fine and others im not. I want to try to explain it to him but there is just so much to this i wouldnt no where to start.
I think that Brady and MBP both make good points. There are people who have 2 parents working so they can afford all of life's nicer things. There are people who have 2 parents working out of pure necessity. We really don't know the situation here, only that this poor lady is already feeling swamped with her fibro and caring for her own child. I can't IMAGINE taking care of a child while suffering from fibro; we have a new puppy who was supposed to be small and calm but who is medium sized and pretty rambunctious and I go NUTS trying to keep up with him and keeping him out of trouble. Now if that was a CHILD instead of a puppy...I think I'd seriously lose it mentally.
I'm not sure that telling your hubby that you'd be too tired for sex would be sexist or not, because I have the feeling that anyone suffering from fibro, watching a child, taking care of a husband AND working at a full time job would be too tired to LIVE let alone have sex.
I do agree that Zombie Gurl's husband has unrealistic expectations of her, given her illness. I would hope that he'd be open to reading about fibro but if not, maybe she could bring him to her doctor and ask her doctor to explain fibro to him.
Oh wait, you stopped going to your doctor? No no no. You need to go back to your doctor. Can you find one closer to you? If not, can your husband take off occasionally to bring you? The reason is that fibro oftentimes seems to go hand in hand with autoimmune illnesses. You need to be checked for them and you need to have help for the fibro, painwise and emotionally. You can't fight this battle alone, Zombie Gurl. Especially since you have a toddler who depends upon you. You need to have decent pain meds and other ideas for pain reduction from your doctor.
Zombie Gurl, I wish you much luck. We all know that you're in a tough situation. Stick to your guns because you are right about how powerful fibro is.
Hugs to you,
Thank you to everyone who replyed it makes me feel better just knowing people care. I was halfway done with typing out all my replys to everyone when my computer died. Now im sore from typing. So im trying to sum this up im sorry i cant reply to everyone personally. So as far as the financial part goes, I would be making very little money since i would be working at somewhere like walmart. everyone brought up a good point that by the time i pay daycare and bus fair i would be broke again, so all my hard work and pain would be for nothing. I was looking into going to college part time but again comes the stress of daycare and rides. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry, On my good days im ready to tackle going back to school, then i have a bad day and realize how hard it will be. I feel like everyone around me just thinks im lazy. Ive thought about online classes but i cant afford it. And thank you for the links, Im going to try to get my hubby to read them. Thanks again everyone
h my goodness, Zombie gurl, with your husband working 7 days a weekfor such a long time, that is hard on his body. What kind of a job does he have? Is it his choice that he work 7 days a week? That doesn't allow him any time of energy to be a good father nor a good husband. And at some time he is not going to be a good employee because working such long hours and every day cannot be sustained over the long haul of days. That is an insane work schedule. He isn't around you enough to even witness how your chronic illness affects you. Nor does he ave enough time nor energy to spend time with his son nor to be able to appreciate what it is like for you to be full time mother in spite of how you feel. And without any family support for you it must be a lonely life for you. Are you able to spend any time with friends or the people around you like your neighbors? You need to interact with other people.
You, your husband and your son essentially have no family time. That is very hard on each of you. Perhaps this is the only job your husband could find.
Please keep in touch with us on this site as we offer you online friendship and support. We care about you, I can see that your options are limited.
Love and gentle hugs
Don't feel badly because you really don't have the time to thank each one of us personally. We understand that.
I would say that for now enjoy being with your son. Children are a gift from God and we have essentially 18 years to parent them. After that it's up to them to put to use the things their parents have taught them. You wouldn't want to sacrifice your parenting time nor your health time.
Focus on yur time with your son and yourself. Try to take care of yourself as best as you can.
Love and gentle hugs
I feel your pain, your predicament. Sounds like you are between a rock and a rock. I understand your position, and surely your husband is exhausted from the hours he puts in. I imagine you are stressed. I'm no expert, but have a few thoughts to share, and I will not be the least offended if they are not practical to you!
Perhaps you could create a 'date night' at home some night when you are feeling well, and surprise him. A later night may be the time to do this after your little doll is sleeping soundly. Perhaps there is something you could use as a table for 2, that you could set up in a different area of the house. Some soothing music. Find a nice tablecloth, scarf, bandana, find some candles and have a quiet dinner and relax together. Maybe even some wine if it does not interfere with meds.
It may be a good start, a nice surprise for him, and a welcome change to just be a couple. It may set a calm environment to discuss some of these challenges, and if not the first time maybe the next time you can create something different. Even choose something like spaghetti or ziti that you can prepare ahead and just reheat at anytime.
I do not know how severe your fibromyalgia is, but it may actually help you to get out and do something enjoyable, that does not require strenuous, stressful exertion. Maybe even something seasonal would help. I often wish I could go and help at the greenhouse/florists we have here in town in the spring/summer as I love flowers, and they have lots of wagons to move things about in.
I don't know if any of this makes sense, but it may. Just having some special time with your husband in a relaxed situation may be good for you both, it may allow you to be able to better talk to him and make him understand a bit better how complicated this illness is. It is probably the most complicated illness I have ever researched. Hard to find even any two Drs to agree on it's definition, it baffles us, so it is so hard for others to really get a grasp on it.
I raised my son almost completely without a father, luckily my family was very supportive, I could not have done it without them, and still it was hard on me, as this did not really hit me until my son was grown. That said, I have been in a similar situation during the very brief marriage to his Dad, moving a thousand miles away from my family with him. I was in the middle of nowhere too!
As far as finding a sitter, some of the most compassionate and resourceful people I have ever known are ministers and social workers, even hairdressers. It may help to talk to some of these people, they know so much and know so many people, maybe someone at the Dr office could give good advice here, maybe even the Dr.
I don't know if anything I have said is practical to you, but I wanted so much to talk to you. Just know that you are not alone, we are all here for you, there is nearly always someone on the boards, and if not, just post anytime, someone will respond to you. You have found a family here, we all have our 'thinking caps on for you'
I will talk anytime, just click on my photo and leave me a message.
Love and hugs,