I had a pretter rough go of thing the last few months. My business is failing, my body is in full ‘frack you’ mode, and I’m starting to wonder what’s really worth living through this much pain. Still, I’m not here for all of those bad parts of my life… today I’m here about brown farm animals… for those who’ve never heard it, it’s a cleaned up version of Bow-Chica-Bow-Wow.
My love life - especially my self life - is non-existant. I’ve never been a reallly touchy person because of the way I was raised and later from the pain. My husband, though, is all about the cuddling. It’s hard enough when I have to tell him it’s a ‘no hug’ day… but now, I’m not interest in sex either. It’s been MONTHS.
I can’t help but see the glaringly obvious - I’m no where close to the woman he married. I am not the crazy, fun, and self-sufficiant woman I used to be… Now, I have control of myself…I think part of all of this is that when you make love, you give yourself over to the other person. I’m not willing to check myself into a hospital for depression because the idea of giving up the few things I’m still in charge of terrifies me…
So , with pain, depression, fear of losing control… how the frack am I supposed to be intiment with my husband - who, by the by, is the most understanding and loving man on the planet.
What have/are you doing to keep the romance alive in your relationships???
take it one issue at time not all at once it will bog you down, so for today look at one thing you can change and change it, even if simple thing. It one less thing on your plate, the relationship is hard thing but i have stop taken on myself that its my fault and its not, you have no control over it, or you would, we have this urge to fix it, well i do. I know now its something we cant and when we stop pushing our self things can start to come right, I'm not saying ignore the problem but suggest and ask hubby what he thinks, speak with your doc, Tell them that ur low, they dont lock you up for being depressed and stressed, if anyone with pain 24/7 is running about with joys of life then that when they should worrie. Sorry thats is how i see it.
Im being truthful with husband but our relationships has been close to ending a few times now, alot is his misunderstanding of my needs, his upset at me being ill, and it took long time to find out what was wrong to the point i got little or no support at my worst point. Can i forgive this yes but get over it, no I would go to moon and back fighting for him if he was ill, and this was never done for me. hurts big time, but moving on is important and moving forward. All you can is find a way together hope this message finds you better today one step at a time one moment at a time ok little by little
Moe, you have said some of the most inspirational and motivational things in prior responses. I hope I can help, but truthfully I am going through the same thing. My libido has never been award worthy, even for last place, and it has been going on for so long my bf states he has no sex drive anymore. I am currently trying to get him to see me as his woman, or wife, rather than a patient/burden. He wouldn’t call me a burden or patient, but when he talks to me, it is usually about my fibro pain. It’s hard for him when I tell him it hurts, because he cannot do much to help. Also, in regards to our fibro pain, I feel that gives us so much uncertainty in its unpredictability, that I will never feel in control again. And I am a bit of a control freak, but had to give that up.
Anyway, I also do not like being touched, because I am not comfortable in my skin. That stems from a harmless childhood trauma. But I am determined to give my bf a back massage at least once a week. I just last night learned how hard it is for him to touch me because of how he regards my pain. So when I started hurting in my chest and ribs, I took his hand in mine and helped him touch me. See, by using his hand to touch me the way I like, let’s me be in control. It was a great feeling, because he didn’t pinch or rub those sensitive/painful parts the wrong way. And it helped take away my pain (probably because of how warm his hands are). So each day we will do this. I am determined to get our great relationship back, it means the world to me.
I also am determined never to get admitted to a psych facility, having worked in one before. But depression is hard to overcome, and you need support from a therapist and psychiatrist. You question why is it worth living through this pain… Because the pain of loss that my bf, brothers, parents, and nephews would go through would be too much for them. I support them as much as they support me, and by losing me… I fear they would lose themselves.
gentle hugs Heather
Hello Moe! I do 100% agree with what Ms (Heather) Meow said; I read your profile, look at your posts & always think to myself that I don’t know how you do it all like you do! I mean, girl you are a Rock!-strong & courageous-that’s you. But now I will share something with you about myself. I started working with AGLA,which is a subsidiary company to AIG, in October 2002. I was very apprehensive about it as I had not ever sold anything before! I got my life & health license & went to work at it. Made President’s Trophy & close to $60,000. my first year. Promoted to management Jan of 2004. Oh what a mistake! LONG hours–you know. That is when my health took a nose-dive. I really loved my work at first-done the right way, you are helping a lot of people. But the long hours took their toll on me & I quit the end of December 2005. We were building our house & nearly had it finished when I quit. Had I continued with the insurance job & those long hours, who knows if I would even still be alive. Is it feasible for you to think about a different job? I mean, something with much less stress & a more normal work week? I honestly think things would get a whole lot better for you–my health got much better–I quit & was off work about 8 or 9 months. Then I started working an office job doing a lot of computer work. Enjoyed it pretty well, decent pay. Got laid off a year later but got the job I have now right away. I really think if you can see a way around it, getting a less stressful job & a lot less hours worked will help. I still have flare ups, we all do, but the more stress I have, the worse it gets for me. I hope you get this all worked out soon, Moe. Keep us up to date, ok? HUGS from Deb
Hi Moe,
I know how difficult it can be to keep the romance alive when we are dealing with SO MANY different things with this illness. Have you thought about considering an intimacy therapist that has experience with chronic illnesses and how it can affect libido and find different ways to make intimacy comfortable for you mentally, phyiscally and spiritually? I know couples that have benefited from intimacy therapy even without the complex issues we have going on.
Hugs,
Sara