Finding Purpose

Support
1

When I retired in 2007, I did so because I didn't feel good. I had all kinds of wonderful plans about what I was going to do because I knew I would feel better once I didn't work anymore.

Well, it didn't work out that way. Soon after retiring/quitting my high stress job I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. The following few years took my parents and I lost the families relationship with one of my beautiful daughters due to drug use. (She is the one I was with last week and posted photos.)

So, now...what? I am 55 and do not have a purpose. I'm sure many of you feel the same way and many are younger than I am. I am thankful for each day and for some wonderful things in my life, like a supportive husband. Not having children under feet and being driven by daily purpose is not all it's cracked up to be. I volunteer for things and then cannot do them.

I feel rather worthless. I've been reading on aging and the most important thing that someone growing older must do is keep contributing. Keep doing something you are passionate about. I think of things, many things. I even thought of applying for a part time job in a coffee shop or craft store, just to be away from the house some. My husband (who knows me better than I do sometimes) thinks it would make things harder for me. He doesn't want me to be hurt by failing to be able to do it.

Sorry to be such a downer. I'm just really having an emotionally bad day. Tomorrow will probably be better. I see the psych at my new doctors office this week. Maybe she will have a happy button.

Love y'all

Kitty

2

I think it is wonderful that you have a supportive husband. You are doing a great job on this site. I think with the weather changes every one is having a down time. I am having a hard time getting in a routine since I am not working. I hope tomorrow is better for you.

3

Kitty, you contribute so much here, as a moderator or a member, doesn't matter, you have given so many people so very much here! You are there for your grand kids, your husband, and your kids, friction or not! You love and care deeply, you're there when needed, Take some pride of accomplishment there, it belongs to you!

You know all of those days you dragged yourself to work, and all you could think was that you wanted, you needed to just go home? You thought of all the things you would rather be doing, gotta be something that will help fill that 'hole'!

I became 'buddies' with one of my old bosses, a London born character if you ever met one, always a joke or pun, even after we stopped working together, we hooked up again, and I finally had him down for a nice lunch. He fixed my computer, at no charge, just wanted me to take him to lunch. We had another beautiful lunch, full of laughter, discussions of ancient civilizations (right up my alley). We sent jokes and things back and forth every day, would talk on the phone once in a while, he and my husband got along well.

I hadn't heard from him in a few days, kept sending emails that I was sure he would respond to, finally sent him a note "You okay? Hopefully you are well and happy, went to visit your kids and grand kids, or perhaps you have met a beautiful woman who has you 'tied up'?"

I got an e-mail back today from his beautiful daughter that he had died suddenly at home...

Do all you can for the people you love, like, laugh with, connect with, they are what life is ALL about!

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Hi Kitty, I spent most of last night awake fighting with some demons, and slept most of the day (another day down the drain). I’m 9 years older than you but mired down by the same issues. I retired in 2006 from a high stress job, my retirement was planned after 37 years but I was diagnosed in Nov 2005 (after three years illness) with a serious medical condition that took almost 5 years to get through. I had planned to do volunteer work but at the end of the 5 years I was barely walking. During that period I lost my mother, brother, and sister in law.

I miss the mental stimulation of working and contact with other people (the part I didn’t think I would miss)after spending over 30 years in Human Resources). .

I still keep on thinking “I’ll do that when things get back to normal”. It came as a bit of a shock a few months ago when I realized this is as good as “normal” is going to be.

My husband says the same thing about volunteering, and he’s right, I kick myself now for things I don’t get done.

You have accomplished a lot, you managed to work and raise a family and are there for them when you need them. You have grand children you still care for at times. You provide compassionate and caring advice to forum members, and in my case give me a different perspective on things.

I feel particularly restless at this time of year for some reason this time of year. I guess even after all these years, the back to school season still feels like a time of renewal.

I think we can still contribute and do things we’re passionate about we just may need to dig deeper to find out what those things are. Perhaps we could explore some of those things together.

Find that happy button but iplease share. I hope you Feel better tomorrow, you’re important to us, please take care of yourself.

Gentle hugs, B2chi

6

Hi SK, I’m sorry about your friend, it’s difficult to lose someone you can have great discussions and fun with. It sounds like you have some great memories to remember him by.

7

Hi Kitty,

I know how you feel, after working as a nurse for 27 years, then giving this up for the sake of my physical and mental well being, even though it was a great relief to give up, as I was struggling, I then had all this time, my 25 year old son lives in a different county with his fiancé so it's just me and my lovely husband.

I don't know whether you're into crafts but I love my knitting and am so grateful that fibro has not stopped me doing this, I knit things for friends, for my church, which sell well for the restoration fund and also I use up small balls of wool by knitting little soft hats for the prem babies at Great Ormond Street Hospital London, I get great satisfaction from all this, feel I'm helping others and have received several pictures and thank you letters from the nurses at the hospital. It's a good hobby for fibro sufferers as you can do it and watch good film or just pick up/put down when you feel like it.

I am also very involved with my local church and occasionally do the flowers or bake cakes to sell in the coffee shop there.

Not sure if that has helped at all but my time is now nicely filled without stress and I can rest when I need to.

I considered voluntary work in a charity shop but felt that if I made this commitment and then didn't feel too good I would worry and feel guilty at letting people down so I just do things at home now in my own time, when I feel I want to.

One thing I have joined is a local knitting group, there's 6 of us, with a range of abilities, I have been knitting for 35 years so I've taught 2 of them to knit which was lovely. We meet every other Friday in a coffee shop and knit and chat! If it's one of our birthdays we'll go out for lunch instead.

Wishing you a good day.

Love Lucy xx

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Thank you, I miss him! I missed him right away, he was 'my bud'!

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I understand exactly what you are describing. I received ssd last year and I now feel that I have no purpose. I also think of things to do, but I give up on projects so easily now. Just the thoughts of pulling out the sewing and crafts wear me out. If you do find that magic "Happy Button" please spread the word. I am 58 yrs old and feel 90! Best of luck to you.

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Thanks everyone, for your love and support. Trying to turn this from what it looks like, self pity, to something else is worthless. I do have a good life and so much to be thankful for. Every once in awhile that old "woe is me" thing creeps in.

Purple, SK, B2, Lucy, Tammy, Grandbetsy and Sugar...I appreciate you. All of you and everyone here.

I am wondering if my emotional down turn has anything to do with the new Fibroplex I have started using. Today was a little better. So we will see, time will tell.

Love and Hugs,

Kitty

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11

Just wanted you to know that I saw new psych and my doctor yesterday. Dr put me back on Effexor just until my next visit, in 5 weeks. Emotionally, I feel better already. Hopelessness is diminished so much. Just with one dose. It put me to sleep. I went to bed at 3pm and got up at 8am. Didn't sleep the whole time, but rested after lots and lots of walking yesterday.

Now I need to start my body work again because the severe neck and head pain is back as well. But, at least I don't feel like giving up. I'm scheduling acupuncture and myofascial release massage asap.

Love you guys.

Kitty

Oh, and Dusty made it through his surgery. It was something like 11 hours. Sounds like they really cleaned up the area. I'll know more later. Chemo for sure. Thanks for your prayers and hope.

12

Well Hell! I wrote a really meaningful partial reply to you and it's lost somewhere in cyberspace! I can't repeat it all...but I also lost my identities when I became unable to work and be the mom I should be. I have been dealing with that loss for about 8 years. I was happiest when I was an adjunct at a two-year college and then at a university. That was my public identity and FMS took it away.

I tried to be the best mom but I seem to have failed at that, too. (My youngest is the most like me and she comforts me, and calls...but she is also the one who is most apt to have FMS.) I tried to do it all. The kids help me during the holidays as they don't want to see the turkey on the floor.

It all has humbled me...every pain, every incident of fibro fog, every time I look into my medicine cabinet. I take anti-depressants, but I also had psychological therapy that was paid for by the university. It worked to pull me out of the pit of depression...and then two months later our grandson died...and I fell back into that pit.

But, I still am missing my self-esteem, my identity, and my pride. I feel very frustrated at time, especially when I am unable to do simple tasks around the house. I say "I cannot"...way to often. I am often so fatigued that I take a nap after breakfast. And sometimes I just cry in exasperation. Like dealing with a death, we have to work through our grief and losses. I have had to downsize, move into subsidized senior housing. (my husband is in a nursing home with dementia but he always helped until his dementia took over.) People with disabilities live here too. And listening and sharing with them has actually helped me. I do have a spiritual life and that, too, is a key to finding purpose. I have lived here over a year and I see these people who are living purpose-filled lives. I am learning. As my grandma said so many times, look at those who are facing turmoils and obstacles...this whole year has been humbling!

There are days when I curse this syndrome....and curse that I cannot seem to accomplish anything, but I have more days of being thankful for what I DO have. One of these days I will ask the gentleman in his 50s about how he lives so positively and so spiritually with bilateral amputations of both legs. What does he have that I don't?

1. Please stay focused on the Maya Angelou quote when we think of our identity as a mom. "When I knew better, I did better."

2. Stay in the present. To live in the past is self-defeating

3. Find the new purpose in your life

4. Reach out to old and new friends

5. If you are so inclined, WRITE. Journal, poetry, prose. Get a special journal, or writing paper and pen and write what you feel, how you feel, why

6. God didn't promise days without pain / Sun without rain / But / He did promise strength for the day / and the light for the way.

7. Laugh..find humor in our lives...what used to make me angry and cry...I enjoy the humor. (Another FMS woman and myself laughed so much yesterday...what good therapy it was for me!

I may be wrong in what I said, but it is what I believe and I have had my diagnosis since 1995. SSD in 2005.

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Oh no, you are not wrong. Those are the things I/we need to hear. Hearing it from someone else helps me to feel more normal. Like I'm doing ok.

Thank you so much Joanne. I appreciate your kind words.

Love and Hugs,

Kitty