Please help!

Support
1

Dear everyone:

I want to thank you for sharing your caring thoughts and caring ideas but right now I feel like I am sitting on a tight rope just waiting to end it all.

I have tried everything, Like I had mentioned before I was always the out going one doing anything and everything, There was not much I did not like to do. I loved helping out and doing things that would help others but since coming down with fribro, about 15yrs ago and everything that comes with it, pain, depression and other medical problems and the hardest problem is not looking like I'm in extreme pain and other items.

Well for the past 5 days all I have been doing is crying and trying to do things that I use to enjoy doing, Arts and craft projects, photo, anything that has to do with being outdoors just about anything one could think of I did it.

Since coming down with fribro. I have been losing things one by one, friends, jobs, being out there doing something to better my community

(I started a neighborhood watch program and our neighborhood is clean and safe and people are walking and saying hi) but all that is gone.

I feel so empty, I don't go out because of how I look. Anything that I loved and cared about is gone. (My best pal my 19yrs cat had to be put to sleep because she was in kidney failure,)

So that made me feel I could give someone who really needs the gift of life - donation of an organ - and since I just can't go on like this - (It's hard to share this with all of you but you helped me see things in a different light.

I have called places like suicide hot lines, Drs. but all I want to do is close my eyes and never wake up.

Maybe just talking to you this morning might shine a light to help me feel that giving up is not he answer.

Again I thank you all for listening and sharing your feelings and ideas to help.

Well now that I have talked your ear off I will day have a good day and thank you for being here. You are doing good.

Sincerely,

Cat1

2

You just described me…all the feelings, who you used to be and who you are now. Me too…and now I am in the same place. I am allergic to all meds used to treat FM so am going completely untreated. This sense of hopelessness seems to be a part of FM. I have never been this way, seems I am undergoing a personality change with FM and I do not like the person I am becoming. I don’t have any answers, but its comforting to know I am not the only one…I was diagnosed almost a year ago and this has flattened me.

3

So sorry for your loss. 19 years is a wonderfully long life for a cat. Kudos to you for caring for her so well. If only we could care as well for ourselves as we do for others. *sigh*

I understand the wanting to give up - I'm going through a bit of it myself lately. But it's not the answer. First of all, would they even accept your organs? I've heard that people with CFS can't even donate blood - not sure about fibro. Second, I'm sure you have more to give. Even if you can't do everything you used to do, there are other things you can do. You can support other people with fibro online through this group. You could eventually, when the time is right, adopt an older cat in need of a loving home. You could cut yourself some slack and take better care of yourself. I find it helps to stop and ask myself what I would I tell someone else with fibro to do. I overdid it on Saturday and ended up sleeping most of Sunday. Feeling a little guilty about it, but if it were anyone but me, what would I say? I'd tell them they needed the rest, to learn from the experience so they know their limits, and help them plan so it doesn't happen again.

Be kind to yourself. You have to take care of yourself first before you can help others.

Gentle hugs,

Liz

4

cat1 - I don’t want you talking about not wanting to wake up. You have done so much in your life and you have so much yet to give. All your knowledge in the things you have done, the great stories - where’s that book we talked about you writing? I’d be your first buyer because it would be full of fun, knowledge and YOU!

I think this time if year can be just as depressing as the holidays of winter. The heat and humidity keeps us inside and we can’t be as active as we used to be, enjoying the great outdoors. Can you check with you local human services office to see if they have therapists that you can talk to on a regular basis? I’ve been seeing one since October and without her, I know I couldn’t have stopped working because of the guilt, and I’d probably be hospitalized right now. There’s nothing worse than being in pain and frustrated with ones life.

How do you feel about giving a home to a kitten again? I’m sure your local human society has many that would love to have you for a momma!

If you need to talk again - feel free to message me. Super big hugs to you, cat~ Sandi :slight_smile:

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Awww I couldn’t imagine losing my cat. He is my lifeline too. Now I am lucky too have a loving man. So that’s two.

Without these I would feel the same too.

And I have been in your situation many times. Before and definitely since the fibro. In dark times like these it’s our furry ones or a child or someone who might just really care about us that stop us from ending it. There’s been many times though when I’ve had nothing and no one and I’ll bet you anything you have too sweetie.

We always get through those dark times though don’t we. One way or another we realise that we still have so much. Really we do. And when we least expect it something happens and we know we’ve got all the tools to make it through this life and find new dreams and hopes.

Just remember the good days you’ve had and the other times that have been really hard. You always had good days after that didnt you? It is really hard to deal with it all but you know you will make it through. Deep down you do.

You need to talk and that’s what you’ve been doing. We’re all soldiers on here and we help find strength from each other. So perfect place to start. Time to dust off soon and get back on that horse. In the meantime try to recharge that body and mind and fill up with happy food!! Yay!!

6

Cat1 - this is strange. I am writing a book too. Lived outside before FM. Focused on helping people, active, engaged in life…and then FM hit…and I am now a recluse, hopeless, suicidal…a friend told me that suicide would affect my kids so deeply, it would change their life trajectory…hits kids so deeply that the rest of their life is viewed through the lens of that loss. So the suicide option off the table for me. Won’t do that to my kiddos. And- losing a pet, nothing like it…nothing. It can make it all so sad.

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Cat1,

You've forgotten one thing that you can do: community help here. Just by your sharing your feeling about this, you're helping people. I know we don't like to talk about it but yes, I think some of us (many of us?) have felt exactly like you from time to time. Last week, my son went back home after a long visit. I had to stop working. I got bit by my sister's dog and it's taking a while to heal, thanks to fibro. I may soon lose my right to drive (have to take a competency test.) Driving means the world to me. Like you, I felt just so overwhelmed and defeated. It's all due to fibro, too. BUT you CAN still help people - desperate people - by coming here and sharing and helping others cope with this awful illness. Many people are afraid to speak out here. What if it's your words right here and right now that keep someone else from killing themself? You are a valued person here. You've helped me just by getting this out. I haven't really wanted to deal with it. So it helps me that you had the courage to bring it up.

So here's my helpful thoughts: how about getting a new cat? Either young or older. I know it's not the same bond as you had with your last cat but you'd still develop a bond. And so many cats need a home, so you'd be helping one out since they are often put down. If you can handle a cat, I think it'd be great therapy for you to have one. Wouldn't it be nice to be needed by a sweet faced cat again?

Second, I think you need to get out and see people. Can you join a senior center, even if you aren't one? They have many different activities. You could go just to talk. Getting out of the house is critical, I think. Even if you sit on your deck (if you have one) and talk to the neighbors who pass by, it'll help you to feel more connected to the community again. Even going to a local hangout to eat is good, as you often hear so much of the local gossip and community goings on. You could even join in on the conversations. It's this crazy isolation that really does a number on us!

Third, are there volunteer services that you can still do? Like knitting a lap blanket for a person in a nursing home? We used to get them from volunteers when I worked at a nursing home. Or going to a nursing home and talking to an old, lonely person? Doing their nails? If these activities are too much for you to handle (and believe me, I understand if they are!) just coming here and expressing yourself is being a volunteer, as you volunteer crucial info to people in desperate need. And bless you for it!

Last, just please just keep coming here. Read what others say. Ask questions. Ask a moderator to talk to you if you need some extra TLC. This really is a community. We're all here to help each other. Please remember that, my dear.

And if you truly do feel suicidal, please, please contact help: 1-800-273-TALK As much as we want to help, if you feel suicidal, there are experts trained to help you. They would know much better than we do what you need to hear. We care about you though, Cat1. Don't let this GD illness kick your ass.

Hugs,

Petunia

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Liz, that one line is the best advice I've ever heard for fibro: " I find it helps to stop and ask myself what I would I tell someone else with fibro to do." Because, of course, we all tend to be caretakers and help others more than ourselves. So it IS good to ask yourself what you'd tell someone else with fibro to do, and how you'd help someone else, like a close friend, with fibro.

Everyone else also has given fantastic advice. Really good comments!

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NDW, have you considered anti-depressants, if you can take them? They really help me to get beyond the worst of the depression and apathy. If you're allergic, how about St. John's Wort? It's natural and supposedly helps depression. I've also read that tumeric with black pepper helps with inflammation. Also, I find that Salon Pas (over the counter patches) helps me to deal with pain. Biofreeze is another over the counter, rub on item that helps a bit with the pain. You might even want to start a new thread about how others treat fibro pain and depression naturally. It might be worth your while to do so.

Hugs,

Petunia

10

A book? Oh wow! Good stuff! Maybe you could even start with a few pages and let us read them, if you'd like. I've written one, so am always excited to hear of others who write.

Sandi's suggestion of checking for a therapist is a great one. They can really help you navigate through some of the rockiest roads in life. I know I went to several years ago and they helped me immensely. Sometimes they can think of things that we block out when we're depressed. And their out of the box thinking can break us free of the depression.

11

Soooo true about the kids. I have a friend whose mother threatened to kill herself in front of the kids many times and eventually one of the kids did try to kill himself as a result of hearing the threats. Thankfully, he survived. But suicide most definitely does hurt/change a child's life trajectory. I think it changes any loved one's trajectory as they take on the pain of the person who killed himself/herself.

And NDW, please please feel free to come here as much as you want. You and Cat1 can also feel free to talk to me privately if you wish. NO ONE deserves to feel this crappy due to stupid-faced fibro. I mean it.

Gentle hugs,

Petunia

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Dear NDW:

Thank you for your reply and talk about a personality change BOY I don't know who I am any more. I have had this for about 15yrs and have been in and out of hospitals to just get the pain under control. The worst pain is not being able to be touch.

I to am allergic to most meds including anti-depressants which made the suicides hard not to go thru with them.

I to was surprised on how many replies I received with people going thru the same thing. At least I don't feel so helpless - When doctors don't think out of the box they think your just making this all up or your a drug seeker.

So thank you again for taking time out to talk.

With all my thanks..

Cat1

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Dear Cat1,

I am so sorry for the loss of your cat. 19years is a long time to have a pet. It is so hard to loose them. I am also very sorry for the way that you are feeling. But please trust me when I say, I get it. We all get it. But I don't think it is the answer you are looking for. Someone suggested you adopt a kitten, I think that is a good idea. What do you think about that? Why don't you go to the Humane Society in your area and just look. If you live in the Phoenix area, I would drive you to look. Let me know if you live in or near Phoenix. I would love to meet you and we could talk. I am not a therapist or anything like that but I am a good listener. This group has saved me. My pain levels have been extremely high because of the weather. I can hardly get up.

Please let me know if I can do anything for you.

Jackie S.

14

Dear cat1,

As moderators, we are not allowed to discuss this topic, as we are NOT Therapists, Counselors, or Physicians. So, I guess we'll talk about life. My life, since I don't know that much about you, yet, but hope to.

As a Mother, Grandmother, Great Grandmother, I always try my hardest to be available, though I can no longer perform the feats of my younger years. I push myself to do all I can for them when they come, and sometimes my grandson stays for 9 or 10 days at a time, which is usually good for a big CRASH for days, possibly weeks afterward, but I love having him, I love the idea that he still thinks I'm cool enough to come to see!

It took me 7 years and so many Doctor visits to get my full diagnosis, and there are still things they are suspicious about, like MS and SLE. It took years before anything substantial showed up on the x-rays, but it finally did. I was very fortunate to already have a good GP and chiropractor before, but it took me 7 years to get to my Rheumatologist. It was a car accident that kicked this into high gear, and I ran from ortho surgeons, to neuro surgeons, trying to 'get fixed'. However these wise men told me that as I was at that time, surgery would only ever make me worse... So I went the way of meds, and I know I am fortunate that I have found meds that I can tolerate, but there's a lot of trial and error, some made me very ill, but I got to better ones, and they do help. I'm better, not ALL better, not best, not great, but not bad usually.

I try to keep my little house clean and inviting, but that's a big challenge!

My volunteer work is here, as it is so difficult for me to ride in the car with the damage to my SI joints, DDD, DFD, stenosis and scoliosis. The Ethyl Chloride spray will somewhat numb me for a couple of hours, and if I'm not driving, I can take morphine, which without Phenergan makes me sick and with out benadryl makes me itch, really itch!

Haven't been able to work in years, I wanted to do something positive and helpful to others, so when they asked me to moderate, I was honored. I'm no expert, I don't know everything, I don't have all the answers, I'm not always well enough to do it. But I can make a difference, not all the time, not with everyone, but sometimes. Of all the things wrong with me, of all the groups I belong to here on BF, this is the group I chose, because I liked the members, the mods, and I wanted to help the young teenagers, and young mothers. I want to help everyone, but especially them, they just stole my heart.

Anyone who has experienced chronic, intractable pain has had a good long look on the dark side. It's not fun, it's not easy, you know this, we all know this. I guess I'm just an optimist deep down, yea, I know the sardonic humor. It's wicked sometimes, but it gives me the ability to keep laughing at myself. Why not?

How I live my life is how my grand kids will remember me. I don't have pets anymore. they are my pets! I am so very sorry that you lost your beloved cat! That is like loosing your very best friend, well it is really. I'm all in on the kitty adoption for you. There is always someone who has a litter. If you choose not to do the adoption thing, we found that sometimes vet offices have info on kittens to good homes.

We just went through this with my sister-in-law, she got a beautiful little guy, he keeps her busy, he;s just like a kid, always onto everything! It's done her nothing but good, and she brings him with her when she comes. We are pet friendly that way! She had to put her long time pet to sleep, and it did not take her long to need another. They are good for each other, and this kitten has given her a reason to live again. She is not well either, she has a fused neck and serious neurological problems, due to a fall.

I hope that you will feel better. It took me a while to respond, I was not sure what I wanted to say. We never know if we are saying the right thing, but we hope. We always hope!

1-800-273-TALK, they can help!

Wishing you well,

SK

15

And for those who don't want to adopt a kitty long-term, there's always the fostering aspect. I did it with a dog a few years ago and finally ended up adopting her for the short time she had left. Fostering a pet is a great way to still enjoy a pet but maybe not build that really deep bond that might be too painful.

16

Hi Cat1!

First of all I'm so sorry that you feel this way. I feel your pain, but of course I'll never know what you've been through. I know the loss of friends, family, and the things you loved to do. I know the feeling of never wanting to wake up...every day feeling like the movie Groundhogs Day...that feeling when you first open your eyes and it's just so, so difficult to want to keep going. I know that feeling. <3

I'm replying to when you said you're allergic to most meds...there are some herbal anti-depressants that may be effective and hoping you're not allergic to. One of my friends, who was severely depresssed and attempted harm previously couldn't afford the meds prescribed. I recommended an herbal formula called - and please don't hurt me for the name....Happy Camper.

That friend noticed significant changes almost immediately - for the depression part of it. I use it only when I get into a crying spell...they can last for a week...and I'll take a dose or two for a few days and my mood will improve.

So you may want to look that up...or something natural that can enhance mood. The pains won't go away, and I know they're difficult - oh so difficult. But it's a "funny" thing - when our mood/depression is in check - we can "deal" with it much, much better. I have many days where I can't MOVE but my mentally I'm in a "happy" state...and for some odd reason I cherish those days...

If you want to add me please do <3 <3 <3

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I just really, really need someone that knows how I feel, to talk to. Here is my situation. I left my husband of 17 yrs, and filed for divorce about 3 weeks ago. It seems the friends we had, turned out to be his friends. I have heard from no one. I have a 35 yr old daughter and a 30 yr old son, who recently had his first child. All of my family is dead, and I am alone. My daughter for some reason has become estranged to me. I think I know the reason. She has a 7 yr old son, that I used to keep quite a lot. Now I am not able to do it anymore. It would take me 3 days to recover from keeping him. I have just gotten to the point that I cannot do it anymore. It seems she chooses not to understand. Never does she ask me how I am feeling. Or how are you today? It is so sad that my marriage has come to this. He doesn't understand that I have done this for his sake. How's that? Well, he loves to go places and have fun (so did I). I have gotten to the point that I can't do anything but lie on the couch and watch ID. After I left, he did finally admit that he had gotten tired of seeing me like that. My world sucks so bad. Sometimes I think of suicide. It would be so much easier. The only thing stopping me is that my religion is against that. I am so tired of hurting.(Please excuse any misspelling, it is hard to see through all the tears) The really sad thing of all this, is that my husband is the only one that gives 1 damn about me right now. Our marriage had gotten non intimate for the last 2 yrs. Now, I am alone, except for my little yorkie, and he is nearly 11 yrs old. I don't know what I will do when he goes. Right now he is all I live for. Isn't that sad?? I hate so bad that I have hurt my husband so bad, but he doesn't understand how bad and how long I have been slowly dying inside. As I said, it is so sad to see who your true friends are! Will someone please talk to me, I am so sad and tired of being tired!

18

Bless you sweetie. I just saw Petunias post and I was thinking the same thing. Sometimes the depression is so deep that a good prescription would be a good idea. This is what I have done at times. I hate taking pills but when it comes to severe depression and pain I am telling the doctor what I want! They just knock the hell out of it temporarily enough to get me back on my feet. You can only suffer so much for so long. I don’t know what medicatuon you are on but you should see a doctor and really tell them how it is. In my experience doctors are only stubborn when it comes to opiates but if you tell them when you get that low for so long they are very helpful. There are many services out there to help you too.

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My doc will give me anything I want. But there is no pill for a broken heart! Thanks!

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Thanks, Tammy! It's a tough decision isn't it?? My thoughts is the reason mostly women get Fibro, is because we are born to be caregivers, always putting ourselves last. Please, let's keep in contact & try to get through this bad situation.