Funnies

I think we need something to make us laugh so please add yours.

I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign,
the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart
and asked sweetly, 'So which six items would you like to buy?'
Wouldn’t it be great if that happened more often?


Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told
there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. 'Young man, we’re both 90 years old, ’ the husband said.
‘We may not have 45 minutes.’ They were seated immediately.

The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would ‘hate’ to have to make a living
under the laws they’ve passed.

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar
and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in
the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave
her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you’re in your casket, and friends and
congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?'
Artie said: ‘I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.’

Eugene commented: ‘I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who
made a huge difference in people’s lives.’

Al said: 'I’d like them to say, ‘Look, he’s moving!’

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord.
‘God, what does a million years mean to you?’ The Lord replies, ‘A minute.’ Smith asks,
'And what does a million dollars mean to you?'
The Lord replies, ‘A penny.’
'Smith asks, ‘Can I have a penny?’
'The Lord replies, ‘In a minute.’

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. ‘Give me one last request, dear,’ he said.
‘Of course, John,’ his wife said softly.
‘Six months after I die,’ he said, ‘I want you to marry Bob.’
‘But I thought you hated Bob,’ she said.
With his last breath John said, ‘I do!’


A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.'
The Rabbi asked, 'What’s wrong?'
The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'
The man then pleads, 'I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me,what should I do?'
The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.'
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?'
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, ‘Take the poison’.

Oh, I can’t remember them either. I cut and pasted from an email. The maggot on bard is actually pretty funny. I guess I am twisted too.

Lmao!!! Too funny Sistah! I will brb when can remember sh** lol x

No offense to the men here but:

The problem is that God gives man a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

LMAO!!! No comment officer lol x

You might be a red neck if

  • You mow your lawn and find a car
  • The dog catcher calls for a unit when he visits your house
  • Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a
    bath!"
  • Your wedding was held in the delivery room.
  • Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
  • You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
  • You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
  • You've ever shot a deer from inside your house.
  • You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
  • You have to go outside to get something out of the fridge.
  • You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
  • Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
  • Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
  • You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
  • You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
  • Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.

Good ones! My neighbors down the way fit the first one.

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife..
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
(P.S. - I didn't see it coming, either)

Your neighbours "down yonder" lol. Aww I'm missing out on all the fun here. lol

LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Good one!!

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pi**ed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for . When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

A Really Bad Day
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
Girls night out
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

Ok, I’m rolling on the floor with that one. Awesome.

You reap what you sow! LOL

Regis: "Barbara, you’ve done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left – phone a friend.

The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right … but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 – are you ready?"

Barbara: “Sure, I’ll have a go!”

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it’s own nest?

Is it…

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush

Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."

"I think I know who it…but I’m not 100%…

No, I haven’t got a clue. I’d like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.

Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

Barbara: “I’ll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham.”

(ringing)

Maggie (also a blonde): “Hello…”

Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.

The next voice you hear will be Barbara’s and she’ll read you the question.

There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer – fire away Barbara."

Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it’s own nest? Is it:

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush"

Maggie: “Oh Gees, Barbara that’s simple…It’s a Cuckoo.”

Barbara: “You think?”

Maggie: “I’m sure.”

Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)

Regis: “Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?”

Barbara: “I want to play, I’ll go with C-Cuckoo”

Regis: “Is that your final answer?”

Barbara: “It is.”

Regis: “Are you confident?”

Barbara: “Yes fairly, Maggie’s a sound bet.”

Regis: "Barbara…you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo …you’re right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

(clapping)

That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God’s name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

Maggie: “Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock.”

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.

In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said “I’m a doctor, I save lives, so I must live,” and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, “I’m a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live.”

He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, “My son, I’ve lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace.”

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, “Not to worry, Father. The ‘smartest man in the world’ just took off with my back pack.”

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, “I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample.”

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: “WHAT?”

“What did he say? What’s he want?”

His wife yells back, “He needs your underwear.”

Lmao!! Sounds like a "blond" joke

Hahahahaha!! So funny!!