The last couple of weeks have been extremely difficult. Waiting on my doctor for an adjustment with my antidepressant. I am sure my boyfriend is at the end of his rope...seeing me in bed for days on end,looking and feeling pretty useless.
He asked me the other day if we should even bother staying together....I didn't even have the energy to respond. I have nothing to give and haven't for a very long time. It's like walking on eggshells around here. I have debated leaving him on more than 1 occasion but the simple fact is...I can't support myself on the pathetic amount of disability I receive. The stress is day in day out. I don't know what to do. I have nowhere to go. Not even with family. i'm so stressed out and depressed and that's just making my pain worse. I am at a total loss. i keep trying to reassure him that things will get better but I don't even believe that so why would he?
I'm sorry you are feeling so desperate. I hope your boyfriend will be more understanding. I often think things like if I had cancer, no one would expect me to just "get over it" or "push through it". This disease is real and it's debilitating. I pray God will help you make the right decisions for your health, both physically and emotionally.
I'm sorry to hear you're having such a difficult time. Sometimes taking it one day at a time really means taking it one moment at a time for me. Perhaps asking your boyfriend if you can both take a breather/time out. Then talk about what you need and what he needs. And, you matter - you are valuable not for what you can do but because you simply are. I am praying for you - added grace to just be.
I'm assuming that my doctor will increase my wellbutrin up to 450mgs. That's what i was on before but I we decreased it last fall to 300. I seemed to be able to get away with it until recently.
The relationship issues are not new. We basically co-exist at this point. He apologized for the things he said but neither one of us have anything to give to the relationship. Him being stressed out with looking for work,trying to keep the house and I know he feels like he can't provide me with the care I need since he lost insurance with his job.
I know this is no time to be making any life changing decisions but it's hard to ignore the elephant in the room. I feel I owe him. He saved my life 3 years ago. But staying together isn't really doing either of us any good.
Things are getting busy with all of my daughters activities and my ex husband is just ignoring the fact that i might not be able to keep up with getting her everywhere she needs to be. And on top of it all she's been acting out and telling me that she doesn't understand why I'm always so tired. I tried to explain a simply as possible but I'm at a loss as to how to deal with her...help her cope. i seem to be the only one she acts out with so I can't help feeling like it's my fault.
The last thing I want to do is go to the hospital but lately I've been thinking that maybe I should go so everyone would just get off my back. If nothing else to prove a point. This is serious and I don't feel like it's being taken that way.
So much wisdom has already been shared, all I can offer is my support and genuine caring for you. Pick your battles, and the one that seems ripe to fight is getting the medical help you need. Your name is so apt. You have inspired me with your wisdom, experience and strength through all you have shared. Please take good care of you. Hugs x 10000000.
Okay, well there is public housing you could check into. I know that the rent is goes by your income. It could be affordable, but you would have to apply and probably get on a waiting list. It is worth checking into.
You have my shoulder, I know it is hard but you have to keep up with yourself in order to be there for your daughter. There is no life or death situation going on. It sounds to me that everyone is still breathing too. Some things just have to get stretched out to the max before it can be folded back into shape. Hang in there fightergirl.
I took some action last night. I .was pushed to my limit and finally snapped. I had my daughter yesterday and brought her to choir practice. I'm extremely sensitive and it's not uncommon for me to shed some tears when all their little voices come together in unison...i love going to practice as it gives me a chance to enjoy them without the crowds that come with her concerts. the song that was chosen was particularly sad tho so I sat in the back and sobbed quietly as they sang it over and over. By the time we got home i was struggling to pull myself together. After supper,I went to my room and had a complete meltdown...I decided that it was time to tell Mike EXACTLY THE STATE I AM IN AND UNTIL I GET MY MEDS ADJUSTED I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANY MORE "SUGGESTIONS". Go for a walk,your weight is up and your losing muscle mass. I'M NOT BLIND FOR GOD SAKE! BUT THANKS FOR POINTING THAT OUT...I HAD NO IDEA THAT MY BODY IS FALLING APART! Then it was my daughters turn. I simply said" I want you to listen very carefully. I know you can't see what is wrong with me but it hurts too much to play like we use to and it is very frustrating but this is just the way it is. It;s nobody's fault and I'm sorry that I can't do the things we use to at the moment. The constant complaining about it though is making me feel bad and guilty so I'm asking you,as a favor to Mommy to please listen to me when I have to say no. Then we had some healing time together. Working on artwork together after a nice cuddling session.
I called my ex and told him as well that Brooklynn is having a hard time coping and that she needs his attention right now. And if he doesn't clear some of his scheduel for her and to pick up some of the slack, then yes...I WILL END UP IN THE HOSPITAL AND THEN HE'LL HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING. AND I'M PRETTY DARN CLOSE AT THE MOMENT.
So hopefully i made my position clear enough. I can cope with the depression until I see my doctor on the 12th. As long as everyone stop putting pressure on me.
Tracey honey...I know how concerned you are and I love you for it. I need you to know that as hard as this is right now,I WILL get through it. I have been through worse believe it or not and i can assure you that if I feel like I'm in danger,I will do whatever I have to to keep myself safe. Even if that means going to the hospital.
Right now...I feel empowered for standing up for what I need. I feel relieved and that makes it easier to cope.
I am sorry for your situation. It sounds desparate, but if you could live with some hope that things will turn around eventually, it might make it better. I don't know where you are, but the Bruno Goerning Circle of Friends has brought me peace and healing, and I spend a lot of time in the meditation when things get bad for me. My heart goes out to you. I have no family either except my boyfriend, and when we fight, well, I can empathize with your situation. Try to do something good for your soul, something that brings you a bit of happiness. Mantra cleans the mind if you can't figure out what it might be. I lived there for decades. Now I take joy in what other people might consider stupid things, but I don't care about external comments, I just look for the moments of peace and happiness, agressivly at this point.
Wow fightergirl that is so awesome how you stood up and explained to each person what you are experiencing and asked for the help you need right now. You so inspire me, and I am equally proud. It takes so much strength to do what you did. I hope you continue to feel some relief from the pressures others were putting on you. How old is your daughter? Mine just turned 14 and I very much understand the pressures and guilt associated with being a single mom with fibro. Big hugs. Take care of yourself.
It just got to the point where I had enough. The part I struggle with the most is my daughter. She is only 11. She is very mature for her age but she's still very young and in that transition from child to pre teen and that is difficult at the best of times. She has also had to deal with my depression for all of her life and I think her mind goes to worst case scenario when she sees me slipping. She seems to resort to whatever devices she has to hopefully stop it from happening. Having grown up with emotional issues scares the heck out of me. I can see when she's having anxiety and I have fears about the genetic factors. So I do my best to handle things with as delicacy as possible. As far as the rest of them go...being pushed to the limit made it easier to spell it out for them. They're adults...they can handle it.
I don't often see people describing their lives in as much detail as I do and sometimes I think it's inappropriate or not really the place but I can see from your tender and loving responses that some of you can relate. And it's encouraging to hear things like I'M PROUD OF YOU and letting me know that for some of you, it helps because you can relate.And when it comes to the specifics...that seems to be where I question my actions and getting positive feedback feels really good.
Up until the past couple of years,i let myself be defined by others...my husband...friends. And I've worked really hard over the last 2 years to stand up for what I believe in. What feels right in my heart...being true to my soul. Having to face and overcome obstacles like depression, anxiety,alcoholism...it's given me great insight and compassion for others. Being a hypersensitive use to make me feel weak. But now I feel that it's a wonderful gift. I TRULY BELIEVE THAT WE ALL HAVE AN AWARENESS BECAUSE OF WHAT WE HAVE TO DEAL WITH EVERY DAY. A lot of people float through life with ease and i don't begrudge them that...BUT I WOULDN'T TRADE WHO I AM TODAY...AND IF IT WEREN'T FOR THOSE VERY OBSTACLES, I WOULDN'T BE WHO I AM NOW.
YOU ALL HAVE HELPED ME TREMENDOUSLY AND I LOVE YOU FOR IT. THANK YOU:-))))
Terrific, Carolyn! I'm glad you can see the growing self-knowledge, awareness, and compassion that is the gift that comes with having a chronic illness. About your daughter, I had a terrible time with mine at around the same age. Now, she is turning 16, and everything is terrific. Kids change -- you can't stop 'em. :)
It's good to hear that it DOES get better. The depression gets the better of my mind at time but talking and thinking about where i am (in spite of fibro) now,compared to before...i'm still ahead of the game:-)))
Have to sleep now...therapy really is exhausting. At least now I can rest with a clearer mind thanks to you all